 |
 |
|
|
|
Friday, 27, 2006 Client needed op after prostitute bit penis
A prostitute who bit her client's penis so hard he required an operation has denied grievous bodily harm with intent.
Charlie Sheen called this an outrage. Prosecutor Matthew McNiff told the jury Louise Jowett carried out the attack because Brett O'Leary, from Clare, near Haverhill, told her he had no more money to give her after already paying her for sex.
Outlining the case Mr McNiff said 22-year-old Jowett, who denies the charge, had bitten and continued to bite Mr O'Leary for up to 45 seconds during the assault.
45 seconds??? Not that I would ever pay for that, but come on!!! 45 seconds!!?? After 2 seconds my shovel would have been sending her on her way to a coma!!!
The force and determination of Jowett's attack was said to have led to Mr O'Leary requiring an operation.
All of the hard to swallow details can be found in the rest of this article.
Starving woman curses God, dies
in her sleep
A starving Kenyan woman placed a powerful tribal curse on God, accusing him of sending famine, and died in her sleep, local newspapers said Thursday.
I'm not really a gambler, but last I checked, GOD trumped a tribal curse..
The woman from eastern Kenya's
drought-ravaged Kangundo district decided to invoke a dreaded oath from the
Kamba community, famed for its potent witchcraft, media reports said.
"Whoever brought this famine, let him perish," the woman chanted, striking a cooking pot with a stick.
Striking a cooking pot with a stick?? That is something that Hitlery Clinton has never done.! BITCH!! WHAP!!!!
"She accomplished the feat at 10 a.m. and waited for the results, but God's wrath struck at night. She died peacefully in her sleep," the Kenya Times newspaper said.
Poor rains for three years running have left more than 3.5 million Kenyans on the edge of starvation, prompting President Mwai Kibaki to declare the drought a national disaster.
I don't think that I need to point out to you fellow Shovelers that 3.5 million starving Kenyans has absolutely nothing to do with a shortage of rainfall. Kill President Mwai Kibaki. That might lead to the water being better dispensed.
Baltimore TV Sportscaster Arrested
A Baltimore television sportscaster is free on bond after he was charged with stealing painkillers from his neighbor's home. Keith Mills was arrested Wednesday afternoon at his home in Linthicum after he was captured in a police sting. Court documents said the neighbor installed a surveillance camera, which taped Mills allegedly stealing the pills. The report goes on to say pills were found in Mills' pocket after officers saw him near the neighbor's house around the time some pills disappeared.
Margot Kidder claimed that she was behind a woodpile the entire time.
Thursday, 26, 2006 Sex helps calm nerves before public speaking
Forget pretending you are talking to one person or concentrating on a single point in the audience — having sex is good way to calm nerves before giving a speech or presentation.
What you talkin' about, Willis?
But Stuart Brody, a psychologist at the University of Paisley in Scotland, said it has to be full sexual intercourse to get the best results.
He studied nearly 50 men and women who recorded their sexual activities for two weeks and analyzed its impact on their blood pressure levels when under acute stress, such as when giving a speech.
Brody discovered that the volunteers who had sexual intercourse were the least stressed and had blood pressure levels that returned to normal more quickly than people who engaged in other types of sex.
Sex is a good way to calm your nerves before you do ANYTHING!! DUH!!! I bet this putz used government money to conduct this keen finding of the obvious.
Police take compulsive shopper to hospital
A young lawyer in
the grip of a compulsive shopping addiction spent $4,000 in less
than two hours at a motorway service station in Italy.
Staff said she approached the cash desk and paid for a pile of books, magazines and DVDs before feverishly pulling other goods off the shelves. During her late-night shopping spree she also bought CDs, cigarettes and sweets.
Staff at the shop in Agnani on the A1 Rome-Naples road became alarmed when she got into a panic after reaching her spending limit. They called police, who accompanied her to hospital.
Chicks!! What is up with them??? WHAP!!!
Horses and bikes may not be vehicles for long
Intoxicated South Dakotans should be able to ride horses or bikes home from bars without fear of being arrested for drunken driving, legislators decided Wednesday.
The House Transportation Committee voted 10-1 for a bill to exempt horses and bikes from the statutory definition of vehicles, sending HB1190 to the House floor.
Ted Kennedy was seen looking for a house in S.D. hours later.
Tuesday, 24, 2006 New super-gun to be tested in Feb
Next month a new high-explosive munitions will be fired in Singapore and then tested again by the U.S. Army, heralding what may be a sea change in weaponry: a gun that can fire 240,000 rounds per minute.
How cool is that?
The standard military machine only fires 60 rounds per minute. I wonder what that would equal in WHAPS per shovel?? I'm assuming maybe 1/3rd.
Metal Storm Inc., a munitions company headquartered in Virginia but with its roots in Australia, has been developing a gun that can shoot at blistering speeds, albeit in short bursts as each barrel is reloaded.
A Metal Storm gun of any size -- from a 9 mm hand-gun up to a machine gun size or a grenade launcher -- has no moving parts other than the bullets or munitions inside the barrel. Rather than chambering a single slug for each shot - very quickly in the case of machine guns -- the bullets come pre-stacked inside the barrel and can be shot all at once, or one at a time, as the shooter decides through the electronic controls.
Ted Kennedy saw this story and is now ducking after every sip.
‘Friends’ Returns to TV
Seminal sitcom Friends is returning to television after each of its six stars agreed multi-million dollar deals to star in four one-hour specials.
I just signed a deal to sell my freaking TV.
That must be a barrel of CANNED laughs!!!
I have said it before, I will say it again...
Hollywood is OUT OF IDEAS!!!!!
'Underworld' tops Globe winners at box office
Golden Globe-winning films saw significant boosts at the weekend box office,
but the action-packed vampire flick "Underworld: Evolution" was the top
earner, debuting with
Last week's Golden Globe Awards provided a big box office bump for its winning films, most notably "Brokeback Mountain," which ranked fifth in weekend ticket sales.
Lesson here, Shovelers.... people will pay more to see a hot chick stick things in blood suckers than they would to see a couple of gay guys in leather chaps and cowboy hats stick things in ..... well, I don't think I need to elucidate on that! WHAP!
Monday, 23, 2006 Local brewery performs rain ritual
SHOVELINE - FORT WORTH, TX — Mother Nature hasn’t had a drink in more than 30 days.
Ted Kennedy called this "BLASPHEMOUS", then blamed President Bush for not signing the KYOTO Treaty.
Seconds later he asked his secretary to escort his good friend Jack Daniels into his office for a private meeting. WHAP!!!
So on Saturday, the Rahr family, who have some experience in thirst-quenching, decided to take matters into their own hands.
They invited the public to Rahr & Sons Brewing, their microbrewery south of downtown Fort Worth, for a rain drumming party in hopes of shaking up the sky. A rain ritual, of sorts.
Shortly after 2 p.m., about 200 people stood outside with a beer in one hand and an instrument (coffee cans, bean pots and tambourines) in the other. For a solid 10 minutes, the crowd banged on things, shook rains sticks, whooped and whistled. Erin Rahr, who runs the Fort Worth brew company with her husband, Fritz, beat a Christmas cookie tin and surveyed the crowd.
Beating on a cookie tin??? If you want some rain, get out there and take a shovel and swing it against anything within eyesight!!! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!
When a fan goes too far
A California man is behind bars for allegedly stalking a finalist from last season's "American Idol" show.
I think 'willing to
go to jail' is the operative term in this story.
Actually, I think that anyone who claims to be a fan of that show should be locked up!!
Speakeasy cuisine
Four diners gave up their reservations at the venerable Chez Panisse on a recent Monday night to sit on the floor in a dimly lit house in Rockridge and bump knees with strangers. A cook from Chez Panisse was there, as was the executive chef of San Francisco's Mecca.
They were at Ghetto Gourmet -- one of the hottest restaurants in the Bay Area that you have never heard of. And that's by design.
Ghetto Gourmet isn't listed in the phone book. Nor will you find it by cruising Rockridge's restaurant row on College Avenue in Oakland. Ghetto Gourmet has no sign. It has no wine list. It doesn't even have chairs.
I could insert Michael Moore jokes here, but I won't.
Read this article....it is pretty neat... ohhh and, by the way, Michael Moore is still a big fat ass.!!!
Robbery suspect caught by cartoon
A man who allegedly
robbed a renowned Victorian cartoonist has been caught, thanks to a detailed
caricature drawn by his victim.
Calvin and Hobbes are reportedly pissed that they weren't consulted.
Friday, 20,2006 CIA confirms speaker on tape is bin Laden
The CIA confirmed Thursday that the voice on an audiotape aired Thursday claiming al-Qaida is making preparations to attack the United States again but offering a truce “with fair conditions” is that of the terrorist group’s leader, Osama bin Laden.
Watch for the Democrats to run with the "truce" thing. Truce my ass!!! Hunt that son of a bitch down and beat him to death with a SHOVEL!! WHAP!!!
Big
News For Holly Hunter
According to a report in People Magazine, which quotes Hunter's publicist, the 47-year-old actress has given birth to twins.
Will work for tickets: Fans barter
Dr. Steven Broman of Fort Collins has no cure for Broncos fever, but he'll give a free vasectomy for tickets to Sunday's AFC championship game against Pittsburgh.
Lets hope that all parties involved will never be able to reproduce! WHAP!
Thursday, 19, 2006 Man Arrested On Drug Charges After Falling Asleep At Drive-Thru
A man was arrested for drug charges in Clermont after falling asleep at a drive-thru. Police say Richard Sibila III was asleep at the wheel at the Wendy's on State Road 50.After waking him up, police gave him a field sobriety test and he told them he wanted "five double cheeseburgers and a frosty"
There is a "where's the beef" joke here somewhere.
When police searched his car, they found cocaine and marijuana. He's charged with drug possession.
Window Shopping With a Free Beer
Free beer while
shopping -- it’s a new idea launched in Atlanta.
I guess Ted Kennedy isn't shopping there.
“A lot of times,
guys are shopping next door with their wives. They come over to look, and
they’re the ones who need a beer,” said Annie Znosko of the Bill Hallman
Boutiuqe.
Wednesday, 18, 2006 America's most loved spokes-creatures
A 515-pound M&M's balloon careened into a New York City lamppost at last year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, sending two sisters to the hospital. Of course, the sisters have recovered, and the mishap will hardly dent the reputation of the M&M’s characters, who relentlessly flog Mars’ popular chocolate candy.
Isn't that nice? Journalists' prism on life sure is twisted!
In fact, the M&M’s characters rank first in likeability among American brand icons, according to a survey of 1,800 consumers done by Marketing Evaluations in Manhasset, N.Y.
Initially introduced in 1954, Mars’ candy-coated treats have rolled out five different-colored spokes-candies — red, yellow, blue, green, orange, respectively — each with a distinct personality, over the past 50 years. The most recent? Crispy, an orange-colored mascot whose ads first appeared during the 1999 Super Bowl, the most watched television event of the year.
Collectively garnering a list-high "q score" of 42, it’s clear the M&M’s are melting our hearts — and not in our hands.
My God!!! I think I'm going to puke!! Melting our hearts --- and not in...... Holy Crap!!! Is this journalist 10 years old??? WHAP!!!!!!!
“A character’s q score is its overall measure of likeability by those familiar with the character,” explains Marketing Evaluations President Steven Levitt. Out of a possible 100 points, the least liked spokes-creature, Stouffer’s Max-A-Roni, attained a mere 13.
Of course,
there is some room for newer icons. Take Aflac’s adored duck. Prior to the
duck’s 2000 debut, the Columbus, Ga.-based insurance company needed to
improve it’s name recognition. Playing off the company’s name, which is
believed to sound
An instant success, the spokes-duck has appeared in 23 different commercials since.
Lets talk about our newest icon. One Big Ass Shovel!!!! WHAP!!!!
HAIRCUT IS 'ASSAULT'
Forcibly cutting off a girl's hair could be actual bodily harm, the High Court ruled yesterday. Judges decided magistrates had wrongly ruled that Michael Smith had no case to answer.
They heard that Smith, 21, had sheared off ex Michelle Turner's ponytail after she woke him.
She is lucky she didn't wake up O.J. -- he would have lopped off her entire dome!
Denying claims that no physical harm could be done by removing hair, Mr Justice Cresswell said: "To a woman, hair is a vital part of her body."
Did we really need a judge to tell us that? Duh! WHAP!!!
Smith, of Dudley, West Midlands, faces a retrial.
Guard forces disabled duo to crawl
Two disabled men were forced to crawl to their car after a security guard refused to let them take borrowed wheelchairs past a shopping centre entrance.
Westfield, which manages Fountain Gate shopping centre in Melbourne, apologized to the two men, who have muscular dystrophy.
The pair, both in their 40s, had used wheelchairs loaned to them by the shopping centre in Narre Warren.
They said a security guard had insisted they leave the chairs at the entrance and cover the five meters to their cars unaided.
There is a special Shovel waiting for this moron!
Monday, 16, 2006 'Drunk' defendant takes beers to court
He was facing charges of drinking at a railway station and fare evasion, but Dean Gordon Ramsey's pleas for leniency fell on deaf ears when it emerged he was drunk in court and came equipped with beers.
When it emerged?? Emerged?? Somebody please get this reporter a dictionary or thesaurus or the game CLUE.
Dean Gordon Ramsey, 19, from Walloon west of Brisbane, walked in to the Ipswich Magistrate's Court about 10am on Thursday with a plastic bag full of beer bottles. Representing himself, Ramsey pleaded guilty to three charges of evading a fare and one count of drinking at a railway station.
He told the court he was an alcoholic and he planned to "detox" for a week then go to "rehab".
So, he went for the old "Ted Kennedy" defense, only he didn't have to explain the dead girl in the creek.
After speaking to Ramsey in the public gallery, prosecutor Acting Sergeant Chris Barnes asked that the case be deferred because Ramsey smelt of alcohol and was probably not sober. Ramsey said he been drinking the night before but not that morning. Ramsey and the acquaintance returned about 10 minutes later with what appeared to be, and smelt like, a hamburger wrapped in paper.
Michael Moore was called in for forensic investigation and, by smell alone, concluded that it was a burger -- with a sesame toasted bun, 1oz of ketchup, no mustard, a tablespoon of mayonnaise, a nose hair, and two and one half pickles. He then ate the evidence before he could present the findings of his investigation.
Ramsey was eventually fined $600 with one month to pay and 10 days' imprisonment was deferred. A conviction was recorded.
Sex orgy condemned by nursing council
The nursing student sex orgy that reportedly took place in a KwaZulu-Natal children's ward was condemned by the SA Nursing Council today. A daily newspaper reported that two female and three male trainee nurses were expelled after a mother comforting her sick child raised the alarm.
I guess
we know where Madonna is going to spit out her next baby!
HAHAHAHAAA
No comment needed there! WHAP! l
Crash test dummies won't need to be lonely anymore
The first uniquely female dummy for use in car safety tests is being developed in Sweden, researchers said Wednesday.
I hear they took a mold of Billy Joel and just added a set of knockers.
All current crash test dummies are based on how men's bodies react in collisions and other accidents. Chalmers University of Technology in Gothenburg and the National Road and Transport Research Institute are researching how a female body moves as a first step in building the dummy.
"For neck injuries from rear-end collisions, whiplash, the risk for women is twice as high as for men," the road institute said in a statement.
I wonder if the will name it Mary Jo? Ted Kennedy was not available for comment.
Friday, 13, 2006 Idaho ponders having prisoners sleep in shifts
With space scarce as the U.S. prison population grows, a top Idaho lawmaker is proposing that inmates share beds by sleeping in shifts, a practice sometimes used by the U.S. military.
"Why does every inmate need his or her own bed?" asked State Sen. Robert Geddes. "The military does it all the time."
I completely agree! There should be one bed for every three prisoners. They can have it in 8 hour shifts. You get your 8 hours of sleep and the rest of the day is up to you. Sit in the yard, read a book or be someone's bitch.
The issue arises as Idaho and other states stiffen penalties for drug-related crimes, putting a premium on prison space. Idaho has nearly 7,000 inmates, and that number is growing by nearly 7 percent a year.
There in lies the problem. If they are in there for a nonviolent drug crime, then they shouldn't even be there. Well, unless they are caught dealing at a high school or something. Nowadays, you are more likely to make parole if you are caught with a corpse in the trunk of your car than you are if you have a kilo of Mexican ditch weed in the trunk. That is backasswards! This war on drugs is a complete joke!!
Geddes, the Republican president of
the State Senate, said taxpayers should not be responsible for the cost of
transferring prisoners out of state, as Idaho does to ease overcrowding.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE DIFFERENCES IN SIZE IN THE WORLD?
Thus proving that the French are the biggest pricks in the world.
Others... Italy 5.9 inches, Mexico 5.8 inches, and Spain 5.5 inches.
We, the US, came in at 5 inches. I say it isn't the size of the shovel, it is how hard you swing it!!!
The
smallest averages were from in India 3.9 inches and South Korea 3.7 inches.
The study didn't have rulers small enough to measure the Chinese.  Woman Has To Get 6 Stitches After Hit With Sex Toy
SHOVEL LINE - AKRON, Ohio -- A sex toy landed a local man in court Tuesday.
A Summit County jury convicted Excell Bradley, of Barberton, of domestic violence for throwing what the prosecutor called a large sex toy into the eye of a woman with whom he lived.
Police said Bradley's across-the-room toss of the sex toy caused enough damage to require six stitches to the woman's eye.
Which happened to be three stitches longer than this guys johnson rod.
Thursday, 12, 2006 Weird Water Worries Neighbors
Neighbors in a north Raleigh community are a little worried about what's floating in a creek near their homes.
A sticky, white substance has
surfaced in a stream that flows out of Falls Lake into the Sheffield Manor
subdivision, off Falls of Neuse Road north of Interstate 540.
Sources here at Shovel Central have heard that Pee Wee Herman has been asked to submit a DNA sample.
Actually, most officials think that the substance is coming from the North Raleigh Water Treatment Plant, which empties into the creek.
UK Speed Camera Tickets Non-Speeding
Protestor A UK court on
Monday severely penalized a motorist for the crime of showing disrespect to
a mobile
Disrespect? Did the camera call the ACLU and demand a little R.E.S.P.E.C.T.?
Did this thing catch him speeding? No! He was doing 22 in a 40 but the police got pissed because he gave the camera a "V-sign." A V-sign reminiscent of Churchill's two finger Victory salute.
Officers were dispatched to his home two days later to present charges which the Cupar Sheriff Court in Fife, Scotland upheld on Monday. The court suspended Toehill's right to drive for a year and imposed a $160 fine.
France
surrendered immediately.
Why it's not a great idea to get out of bed in a hurry
What kind of pansy limp-wristed liberal crap is that? An ungainly tussle with your underwear? That happens to Rosanne Barr anytime she goes to put on her ham-holders. Did that fact make the study?
But according to researchers, grogginess after waking should be treated more seriously for how it impairs thinking and memory skills — and the implications for doctors, firefighters and other staff roused straight into action upon waking.
A study by scientists at the University of Colorado suggests that the performance of people immediately after waking is as bad as, or worse, than if they were drunk. Dr Wright added that cognitive deficiencies after 24 hours of sleep deprivation had previously been shown to equate to the effects of alcohol intoxication.
After reading this
story Ted
Kennedy slapped his knee in glee, and asked his assistant to inform his
constituency that he regularly went 2 days without sleep. He then announced
that he would be retreating to his office for the rest of the day to consult
with his mentor, Jim Beam.
DAMON AND AFFLECK TO REMAKE CLASSIC WESTERN
Best pals MATT DAMON and BEN AFFLECK are teaming up on the big screen again to remake BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE SUNDANCE KID.
I hear they are already trying to ink deals for staring roles in the remake of Broke Back Mountain.
The actors will take on the roles made famous by PAUL NEWMAN and ROBERT REDFORD in the 1969 classic.
Damon will reportedly play the Sundance Kid, while Affleck will recreate Newman's role as Butch Cassidy, according to America's OK! magazine.
Bad news for Hollywood -- they are obviously out of new ideas. Good news for Hollywood -- if either of these "actors" <and I use that term VERY loosely> decides to quit during the filming - they can quickly and very easily be replaced by an equally talented half eaten bag of semi-hot pork rinds.
Wednesday, 11, 2006 UPDATE! The mouse story from yesterday was a hoax. The story about Ted Kennedy being a big fat huge headed drunk with a red face was true.
Hide-and-seek dad spun out
Wedged in his sister's 8kg capacity washing machine with his knees pressed tight to his chest, Robin Toom, 30, was stuck and hot.
"I just hopped in there, playing hide and go seek with the kids," the baker's assistant said yesterday from Townsville. "I got in there and couldn't even get the lid down and the kids came in and said 'ha ha we found you'."
With his wife, sister, brother-in-law and the kids crammed in the bathroom around the machine, embarrassment turned to perspiration.
Local fire officer Dave Dillon was on duty at 4.55pm on Sunday when the call came that "a man was stuck in a washing machine".
"We thought we'd get there and he'd have his hand stuck," Mr Dillon said. "He was in an absolute lather of sweat when we got there. He was really well attached to it."
After looking the situation over officer Dillon reached in and pulled out the morons foot, freeing him from his idiot induced incarceration. Lets hope he also pulled out this idiots reproductive capabilities!!
Anyway, I could have gotten him out with one well placed swing of my shovel!!
Kitchens awash with coke
TELLY chef Jamie Oliver has lifted the lid on Britain’s restaurant kitchens — saying they are awash with cocaine.
He claims young cooks are encouraged to snort the class-A drug to help them work long hours in the kitchen.
Breaking news!! Robert Downey Jr. was just spotted in a local kitchen announcing his plans for giving up acting to become a cook.
Porn Stars Strut Their Stuff at Awards
Cameras whirred and fans pressed 10 deep against a velvet rope in Las Vegas to catch a glimpse of their favorite stars sashaying into one of the first entertainment awards shows of the year.
I guess they were there to get a GOOD LONG HARD look! WHAP!!
As at any Hollywood awards ceremony, photographers asked the performers to twirl and pose, <or bend and moan> and reporters stationed along the red carpet begged for quips about the next project or the state of the industry. But unlike the Golden Globes and Emmys, the goody bag contained "Barely Legal" playing cards and Hustler condoms, and the stars such as Arnold Schwartzenpecker and Britney Rears were not quite household names.
Best Film Actress winner Savanna Samson was cheered when she recognized the support of her peers as crucial because "most of my family is pretty ashamed of what I do."
Most of the family is ashamed?? Who isn't? Does she have one nutcase cousin who sits around watching her stuff while going Pee Wee Herman on himself?
Does she think she can bring one of her films to the family Easter dinner and show it and actually expect someone to say, "that was great great acting. I really enjoyed when you took those 5 guys and....." Ok. Enough. I'll stop with that visual.
The porn industry took in an estimated $12.6 billion last year, while mainstream Hollywood only brought in $8.9 billion. Thus proving that if people are going to pay to see a film that sucks - they really want it to suck!
Sex call
broadcast on train
PRANKSTERS broke into
a vacant cabin and broadcast a 1900 sex call to a crowded peak-hour
Melbourne train last week.
Casey Jones rolled over in his grave.
"It was a raunchy female voice and went on for quite some time," said Belinda Jackson, who was homeward-bound when she heard the erotic announcement. "It was fairly graphic. There was an elderly lady sitting across from me and she was giggling behind her book."
She said the announcement concerned a man's endowments and performance and "it was very complimentary."
It went for 30 seconds, then ended abruptly.
That sounds like your average sexual encounter!!
Tuesday, 10, 2006 Sen. Ted Kennedy to publish children's book
Meet the latest children's author, Sen. Ted Kennedy, and his Portuguese Water Dog, Splash, his co-protagonist in My Senator and Me: A Dogs-Eye View of Washington, D.C.
A Dogs-Eye View? Well if anyone had a dogs-eye view it would be that filthy dog son of a bunch of stuff, Ted. Wouldn't My Senator and the hair of the dog that bit me be more appropriate.?? WHAP!!
"I am very excited about the opportunity to create a book for young readers and their families that will deepen their understanding of how our American government works," Kennedy said in a statement Monday issued by Scholastic.
According to Scholastic, Kennedy's book "not only takes readers through a full day in the Senator's life, but also explains how a bill becomes a law."
A full day in his life? Get up, have a scotch with a vodka chaser. Then eggs over easy with a bourbon and toast. Take a limo and double gin to the capitol. Ramble aimlessly for a few minutes, pass out, wake up and go bang a hooker for lunch. Th |
$27.6 million in ticket sales
speed camera van. 
