The move to ESPN, which currently broadcasts Sunday night games, keeps the Monday Night Football brand within the umbrella of The Disney Company. Disney owns both ESPN and ABC.

It also brings life as I know it to an end. Monday Night Football is gone. An American institution wiped out! WHAP!  Was this decision made by the Taliban? I hope everyone involved with this deal develops and unGodly rectal itch that doctors have no cure for!! 

Not to mention the fact that this was the first time in his life that his parents hadn't dropped him off to be picked up later.

Grumpy need never wake up anything less than refreshed, thanks to a futuristic alarm clock that monitors sleep patterns and waits for the sleeper to be in the best possible phase before rousing him.

This new gadget, called the SleepSmart, monitors sleep patterns that they say are repeated about every 90 minutes. The cycles go from light sleep, deep sleep and rapid-eye-movement (REM) sleep. REM  being the the cycle of sleep in which we dream most fully. <REM is also known for the worst noise on the planet to ever be labeled as music!! WHAP! That is another rant!>

This company has created a headband equipped with electrodes and a microprocessor, that records the patterns of brainwaves produced during each phase of sleep, and transmits the data to your alarm clock. 

In one room, 12 toilets are flushing as if under ghostly control; an electronic machine is pulling the virtual levers--and manipulating water temperature and pressure as well. In smaller rooms nearby, one man is alternately flushing cylinders of miso paste, wadded-up paper, and as many as 24 golf balls at a time, while another is inspecting different glazes on ceramic tiles.

Men and machines are testing and retesting the Champion, a low-to-medium priced but technically advanced toilet. American Standard, the world's largest maker of bathroom and kitchen products, has promised consumers that the Champion will never clog. 

Michael Moore was said to be eating triple cheese, bacon, butter burgers, while laughing at the thought of guaranteeing his money back rebate.

Its sales were up 11 percent in the fourth quarter, to $2.35 billion.   ....numbers exceeded analyst's expectations.

Thus proving that most people on this planet are full of sh*t!

Honda said Thursday it has been offering its Honda Civic GX sedan to fleet operators for seven years, and estimates there are 7,000 of the natural gas-powered vehicles on the road. But this will be the first time consumers can buy the vehicle in a dealership and lease a refueling machine to go along with it.

A refueling machine? Chris Berman claims that he will be able to use the byproduct of his mass consumption Nutter Butters to fuel the car and his bloated ego. I hate ESPN! Go get a straw Berman because you suck!! Michael Moore will be able to make millions on the side by using his butt to Moonlight as a natural gas pump.

With unusual speed and little surprise, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany became Pope Benedict XVI on Tuesday, a 78-year-old transitional leader who promises to enforce strictly conservative policies for the world's Roman Catholics.

'Food Pyramid' Replaced by 12 Different Ones

The government on Tuesday discarded its one-size-fits-all food pyramid in favor of 12 different triangle-shaped guides, each geared to people's differing lifestyles and nutritional needs.

Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns called it "a system of information to help consumers understand how to put nutrition recommendations into action."

If she were serious about here contrition, and sorrow, she would donate all the profits from this book to the USO or a Vietnam Veterans fund. But she won't, because she is a howling skank. WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!! BITCH!  

Friday, 15, 2005

HAPPY TAX DAY, SHOVELERS! GRIP AND BEAR IT!!
                                             WHAP!

Tornado Uncovers Pot Operation in Florida

Cost of house: $150,000

Cost of tornado insurance on house: $1,000

Cost of tornado ripping the roof off the house and exposing your indoor marijuana farm: PRICELESS!

A tornado that ripped through Geoffrey Crook's home didn't just tear away his roof. Authorities say it exposed his elaborate marijuana-growing operation.

Expedia adds warning to directions for often-risky road

An Internet travel company that drew fire for steering motorists down a sometimes-hazardous dirt road in southern Utah has changed its Web site to warn drivers about the possible perils.

I wonder if one of those warnings will be - "Warning, Billy Joel often drives down this road." ?

The Kane County Sheriff's Office complained last month that some travelers going from Phoenix to Salt Lake City were following Expedia.com's directions and getting stuck on Cottonwood Road in the Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument. Soggy weather can turn the remote, rugged road into a quagmire of butter-thick mud, so deputies posted signs proclaiming the road closed. But some motorists ignored the signs and heeded Expedia's directions instead.

Ignored the signs? Who gave these idiots drivers licenses? It is their own damn fault!  I don't think that companies should have to go out of their way to insure the safety of idiots. They would go broke if they tried to!

Now the company has added this warning about Cottonwood Road to its Web site: "Road may be closed or hazardous due to seasonal conditions."

Hopefully, MapQuest follow instep and start issuing warnings on their maps, such as: "These directions stand a chance of being totally and completely wrong."

A Centreville woman claimed in a suit filed Wednesday in Madison County Circuit Court that a bird attacked and seriously injured her while she was shopping at a hardware store in Alton.

This woman, Rhonda Nichols, is suing Lowe's Home Center because a bird flew into the back of her head. She is suing for $50,000, claming that the store created a dangerous condition by allowing wild birds to fly into the store.

Nichols claims the bird caused injuries to her head, brain, neck, muscles, bones, nerves, discs, ligaments, as well leading to the loss of neurological functions and cognitive skills.

Obviously it didn't affect her cognitive skills so bad that she couldn't find a scum bag trial lawyer and file a frivolous lawsuit.
 

The suit said the incident occurred "on or about April 15, 2003." Bobbi Rose, an assistant manager at Lowe's, said the store had no record of any human-bird collisions on that date.

The proof here that the lawyer who took this case is a scum sucking snake is that this happened while the woman was in the Lowe's gardening department, which just happens to be OUTSIDE!!!!! What would she sue for if hundreds of raindrops slammed into her dome?!?! Freak! WHAP! Lets hope the judge gives her the bird and sentences her to 30 whaps with a shovel for wasting the courts time!

Have great weekend, guys. See you back here Monday!

Thursday, 14, 2005

Women Allege Witchcraft Used As Treatment

Two women have filed lawsuits claiming a psychologist at an Illinois hospital used witchcraft during treatments and threatened patients.

The lawsuits allege Delnor-Community Hospital did not stop the unorthodox treatments. One seeks more than $50,000 and the other more than $1 million.

The two ladies are suing the hospital and not the doctor because they are afraid of retribution from the freak... errr.. I mean shrink.

One plaintiff is saying that the woman tried to turn her into a witch. The other woman is claiming that this noodle nurse tried to teach her spells and told her to divorce her husband. That is insane! Even more insane is the fact that, even after all that, the woman didn't have the cerebral fortitude to stop seeing the quack. No. What did she do? She moved in with the woman, who then forced her take care of the house and take nude pictures of her while she posed. WHAP!

Hopefully we will have a moment of serendipity and Darwin will be offered a chance to work his magic on these two freaks.

I mean, who would keep going to a doctor who asked you to do things like that? I stopped going to my last doctor after becoming suspicious of his request that I hold 3 crows feathers and stand in the middle of a ring of gunpowder while he watched Kung Fu reruns that he had on BETA tape.  

Twinkies Celebrates 75th Anniversary

Twinkies, an American icon and one of the country's all-time favorite snack cakes, is celebrating its 75th anniversary this month and, as part of the festivities, is debuting a new, limited-edition box designed by an 11-year-old Michigan boy. His design was the winner of a contest held by Twinkie.

James A. Dewar created the tasty little cream filled treat in 1930, calling it the "best darn tootin" idea he ever had. He was working as a Hostess bakery manager
in Chicago and was looking for something to do with a bunch of shortcake pans that sat idle except for the short time that strawberries were in season.

So, one day he grabbed one of the shortcakes, and injected the golden little guy with a smooth cream filling. Yikes! That last sentence sounds like something we might hear in the Michael Jackson testimony. Anyway, he used banana at first, but had to switch to vanilla because of a banana shortage during World War II.

More than just a top selling snack cake, the Twinkie has emerged as a social phenomenon with a treasure trove of amazing tales that underscore its astonishing impact on our culture. Among those is...
 

Twinkie Hall of Fame: 89-year-old Lewis Browning of Shelbyville, Indiana, has been eating at least one Twinkie every day since 1941, consuming more than 20,000 Twinkies.  James Dewar, who died at 88, is said to have consumed more than 40,000 Twinkies in his lifetime. Chicago consumes more Twinkies per capita than any other city in the United States.

Michael Moore scoffed and claimed that he will eradicate that record as soon as his butler to brings him a glass of milk. He also added that he really admired Chicago's sugar gulping abilities and plans a vacation there to quadruple their per capita numbers. Ever notice how that mayonnaise sucking lard bag attacks every industry but the food industry?

Report: Senator's Trip Broke Rules, Possibly Law

A state senator from Fort Lauderdale is in trouble with her colleagues and possibly the law for asking lobbyists to pay for a trip she took to South Africa, according to a report given to the Senate president. The investigative report indicates state Sen. Mandy Dawson may have broken state ethics statute.

Ethics? Give me a break. It would be easier to find a virgin in a whore house than it would to find an ethical person in local politics.

This dirt bag solicited support from nine lobbyists in hopes of getting a trip to South Africa paid for, even after an aide told her not to do it because it would go against the ethics statute. Ethics be damned, me wants a free trip to Africa. She wanted the trip and had no problem axing people to give her the money.

In a letter to lobbyists, Dawson said, "I need to raise funds to help defray the cost. As a longtime supporter of mine, I am asking if you would consider helping to sponsor my trip. I would like to request $2,500, if at all possible. Due to ethics regulations, the check should be made out to the Florida Caucus of Black State Legislators."

She says that she doesn't think this will have any effect on her political career. And it most likely won't because her constituency was stupid enough to reelect her after she was arrested and convicted for prescription fraud after being caught trying to fill a prescription for painkillers that she had altered. WHAP!

One last thing about this story, Shovelers. No where is the story does it mention her party affiliation. Let me give you one unvarying fact here, guys. If the representatives party isn't mentioned - especially when it is a negative story - you can always bet the farm that the person is a Democrat. I looked it up - because it is my job as Shoveler Superior to check that sort of stuff out - and sure enough, she is a Democrat. That is your liberal media bias blatantly exposed. You will never see a D after the name if the story is negative. Ever! If she had been a Republican it would have been in the first sentence, if not the headline. WHAP!!!!!

Paris designs jewelry for dogs

Paris Hilton has devised a range of jewelry for dogs.

I guess this is to go along with her line of perfume. What is it called, whiff of a skanky whore, or something like that? Anyway, this jewelry has a duel use in that Nicole Ritchie can use it if she forgets to bring hers to the set of the TV show.

The hotel heiress designed the adornments when she found that people thought that her dog Tinkerbell looks as good as she does.

We don't need jewelry for that. Just shave the things ass and teach it to walk backwards. Seriously though, enough from this tramp. If she comes out with another product I am going to take a hostage!

Wednesday, 13, 2005

The Hungarian Interior Ministry looks set to allow prostitutes to tout for business in shopping malls, local media reported Tuesday.

The ministry is thinking of allowing dedicated shopping centers where prostitutes could strike deals for sex as long as they move to a place of their own to carry out the transaction, the daily Nepszabadsag said.

Hungary allows local governments to set so-called "zones of patience" for the country's up to 20,000 prostitutes, but no municipality has done so yet.

Zones of patience? What in the hell is that? I love government talk.  They are on to something. We should look into that sort of thing here in America because it would definitely make guys less resistant to the thought of going to the mall. "Shop away, honey. I'll be down at Whores are Us."  

Episode III Actress in Playboy
 

A Star Wars: Episode III actress is going to pose for a super stellar pictorial.. Bai Ling, who plays Senator Bana Breemu in 'Revenge of the Sith', is going to bare it all in this Junes issue of Playboy.

In related news - upon the release of this issue, Star Wars spankers will officially become actual "spankers" in every sense of the word.

Lawyer Punished For Jail-Sex Romp

The state Supreme Court on Thursday announced a two-year suspension for a lawyer caught having jailhouse sex with a triple-murder defendant she was representing.

I guess she had decided that one way or the other, she was going to get her client off.  What is it with these nut job - ok, bad choice of words there - any way, these whack job, freako women who get the hots for murderers who are serving time? Insane! And she was married! Whore.

Guards outside of a King County Jail conference room saw this chick with her dress pulled up and this murderer, Sebastian Burns, standing behind her with his pants down. I guess that gives new meaning to the term Tender Offer.

Olson was removed from the case, and Burns was given new counsel. He was convicted last year, along with a friend, of beating the friend's sister and parents to death at their Bellevue home in 1994.

Pipe Down, Judge Tells Rooney

Leading a parade of celebrity witnesses who claimed they were stiffed by a speakers bureau, Andy Rooney began his testimony Monday by questioning the wording of the oath to tell the truth.

The CBS newsman later got a lecture from the judge for trying to interrogate a lawyer while on the witness stand.

"No, no, no, Mr. Rooney," said federal Judge Colleen McMahon, her head in her hands. "The first rule is the witness never gets to ask any questions ... even if he's a journalist."

What an idiot. Isn't it about time that he took those eyebrows and laid down? I mean give it a rest you old coot!

Rooney was the first witness in the fraud trial of Alan Walker, 67, who ran the Program Corp. of America, a firm that matched speakers with events. Rooney testified Walker owes him about $10,000 from a 2003 speech at Indiana State University.

 
Rooney, 86, entered the courtroom muttering, and he balked when asked to swear to tell "nothing but the truth, so help you God."

"I don't know about God," he said, taking the witness chair.

I bet you don't you rambling heretic! But, might I offer a little advice to old muskrat eyebrows. You are eighty- freaking - six! You better get to know something about God, because your days here are very numbered!

Giant Thermometer Puts Calif. Town on Map

Paris has the Eiffel Tower, New York the Statue of Liberty.

Backer, California has "The World's Tallest Thermometer."

This thing is 134 feet tall, which is only 17 feet shorter than the Statue of Liberty, and has 4,900 light bulbs in it. It is in front of a gas station on Interstate 15 between Los Angeles and Las Vegas.

This 80 year old man was sick of the town being called a pit stop so he paid over $700,000 to have the giant thermometer built.

He plans to recoup the money by renting the thermometer to Michael Moore's proctologist for temperature readings at his yearly checkups.

Brandy theft suspect arrested with straw

City police say a man stole a case of liquor from an East Side store, dropped and shattered the bottles as he fled, but later returned with a straw to suck up the booze that had pooled on the ground.

Ted Kennedy said he admired the mans sticktoitness, but also thinks that the man should be put to death for such a flagrant and grotesque waste of brandy.

Thomas L. Hunter, 55, who does not have a permanent address, stole a case of brandy while a worker for Eber Brothers Wine and Liquor Distributors was making a delivery Friday afternoon to Eastside Liquor, 1819 Genesee St.

He took off down the road with the brandy, but tripped and fell, smashing the case and the bottles on the ground. The elixir had retail value of $270 and a Kennedy value of just a nickel under priceless. 

Monday, 11, 2005

Sex, cryptic crosswords and a good run could help ward off dementia and other degenerative conditions by stimulating new brain cells, an Australian researcher said on Thursday.

I think I will take SEX, SEX, and SEX. And I don't mind running or crossing my words to get it.

Perry Bartlett, a professor at the University of Queensland's Brain Institute, said mental and physical exercise helped create and nurture new nerve cells in the brain, keeping it functional and warding off diseases such as Alzheimer's and Parkinson's.

Someone get me Amber Lynn on the phone. I've got some nerve cells that I need to regulate the production of. I'll be over here in the corner - grinning! What is a four-letter word for mental health? SEXX.

Smelly Money Lands Indiana Man in Jail

Butterflies equipped with tracker devices
 

Butterflies know where they are going. They might look indecisive as they flutter by, but British scientists now know better.

Hacked Highway Sign Sets Speed Limit At 100 MPH

VIENNA TOWNSHIP, Mich. -- The message was too good to be true.

An electronic highway sign on Interstate 75 in Michigan told drivers: "Speed limit 100 mph go go go."

For months, the signboard in Genesee County had been alerting commuters to construction that starts this month.

Someone hacked the sign, which is controlled by a computer through a subcontractor. State highway officials say they're investigating who changed it and how.

The speed limit in the area is 70. The hacker changed it to 100. Speed Racer and his brother Racer X are being sought for questioning.

Robert Downy JR. saw the words speed go, go go and ended up in Betty Ford.

Friday, 15, 2005

Gangster beaten to death with baseball bat at hospital

Man, those Japs are crazy! A gangster was beaten to death, in a hospital, with an aluminum baseball bat, by someone that this story is calling an acquaintance. 

Kyoji Onishi, 46, has been arrested for murdering Hisao Omori, 56, a member of a crime syndicate. Onishi admitted to the allegations during questioning, investigators said. Police are grilling Onishi over his motives, suspecting that he was in a dispute with his victim over money.

Let me get this straight. Someone walking into a HOSPITAL carrying an aluminum baseball bat isn't an unusual thing in Japan? That sight wasn't enough to cause one of the hospitals staff to think that they might need to pick up the phone and dial ching-dong-ding, or what ever 9-1-1 is over there?

At around 12:10 p.m. on Wednesday, Onishi entered a dialysis room at Mitani-Fujita Hospital in the Mitanicho district of Takamatsu, and bashed Omori more than 10 times with a metal baseball bat before fleeing.

The guy died two hours later, right about the time the police were arresting Onishi on suspicion of murder after finding him and a bloodstained metal bat at his home.

This guy needs to call Johnny Cochran.

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot - he is in a much warmer place right now! I wonder if they have a Japanese Johnny? If bat not swung, you must wang chung!   

Getting rid of Alabama's official whiskey proves difficult

Getting rid of Alabama's official state whiskey has proven difficult for the Legislature, even though the founder of Conecuh Ridge Whiskey admitted violating liquor laws.

Why do the words, "pry it from damn dead fingers!" Come to mind?

A resolution repealing Conecuh Ridge's designation as the "official state spirit" has been awaiting action by the Senate Rules Committee for two months. While Conecuh Ridge's status is limbo in the Legislature, a picture of the whiskey and information about its official designation remain on a Web site the state archives department maintains for children.

A website for a children??!!?? I guess they like to learns them younguns' about the important things as early in life as they can in Alabama. "

"Drink up, Johnny! This here is the official whiskey of our state! I'll put a little flask in your lunchbox in the mornin' - if'n I don't drink it all tonight."

I will assume that they also show the kids that the Alabama state tree has less limbs than a telephone pole?  

Jim Preuitt, chairman of the Senate Rules Committee, said other business has kept the resolution from coming up for a vote. But he predicted that legislators who voted to bestow the state designation on Conecuh Ridge last year will repeal it before the current legislative session ends May 16.

Trouble for Conecuh Ridge began in December, when state liquor agents charged the brand's founder, Kenny May of Troy, with misdemeanor violations in two counties — selling liquor without a license, possessing excessive quantities of liquor in a dry county, and selling to an 18-year-old girl in a state where the legal drinking age is 21.

Selling without a license? What is that? He can make it, but he can't sell it? What two-toothed idiots wrote the Alabama states laws? Anyway, in related news, the chairman insured the citizens of Alabama that goat humping will remain the Alabama state pastime. 

Rapper 50 Cent has become the first artist to have four singles in the US top 10 at once since The Beatles.

4? That equals 2 bucks. That be enough for old fifdy to gets himself a 40.

Man admits dog torture

Today's 'bastard who must be beat to death with a shovel' story comes to us from Australia.

A Queensland man has pleaded guilty to torturing a dog by putting a rubber band around its penis and a high-pressure hose in its rectum.

The fox terrier-cross, which was less than one year old at the time of its abuse, was also placed in a sack and dropped to the ground from ceiling height, RSPCA spokesman Michael Beatty said.

The dog had to have its tail and right hind leg amputated following the prolonged torture over a three-month period in 2003.

Darren Ronald Veach, 37, of Rockhampton, will face a maximum two years in prison or a $75,000 fine when he is sentenced in the Rockhampton Magistrates Court tomorrow.

TWO YEARS!!?? Only two years? This S.O.B. should have a fire hose shoved up his ass and then turned wide open until he is filled up enough for his eyeballs to pop out of his head. Then he should be forced to eat his eyeballs while someone pokes hot forks into his empty eye sockets! Then The Shovel should be brought out so that true justice could be administered! WHAP!   

Fans are Daft Vaders

Sources: Exotic Dancer Injured Inside Fire Station

A 19-year-old exotic dancer was injured while sliding on a fire pole at a West Side fire station, sources told KSAT 12 News.

Sources said that three off-duty San Antonio Fire Department firefighters visited a gentlemen's club in October 2004 when two dancers followed the trio to Fire Station No. 10 at Culebra and Zarzamora roads because the women wanted to slide down the fire pole.

Strippers just love poles don't they?

It is Texas, and we know how they like everything bigger in Texas. I guess that includes poles too.

Odd, usually when I ask a girl if she'd like to see my pole I get slapped.

I wonder if they had offered to show the girls their hoses. Anyway, there is an investigation underway.

Thursday, 07, 2005

Ming Kuang Chen was written off after vanishing Friday night while making a delivery for Happy Dragon restaurant at a high-rise apartment building. As police conducted a massive search and days passed, speculation grew that the 35-year-old Chen was the victim of armed bandits or some other urban horror in the Bronx borough.

But more than three days later, the deliveryman emerged with a mean thirst and a tale of survival: He had been stuck by himself in an elevator the whole time, without food or water.

Hold on a second, I'm confused. What is the big deal here? Didn't we just learn from Terri's murder that going without food and water leads to a feeling of euphoria?

He was in there for 80 hours. I bet if they hadn't found him for another 180 hours, he would have been in such a state of ecstasy that they wouldn't have been able to get him to come out. They might have even found him spanking his Michael!

Chen — an undocumented immigrant from the Fujian Province in southeastern China who speaks mostly Mandarin — apparently tried to tell rescuers how long he had been trapped by circling his watch dial with his finger numerous times, said Charlie Markey, a Fire Department spokesman.

I often try to relate my sanity to people by putting my finger to my temple and making small circles.

An investigation on Tuesday determined that the security camera and alarm system in the elevator were working. But security officers told police they didn’t hear or see Chen until security workers responded to his calls early Tuesday.

Huh? What is the difference between a security officer and a security worker? I imagine an extra .02 cents an hour, a plastic Sheriffs badge, unlimited/unquestioned naptime and a free box of Crackerjacks.

Chen said his pleas using the intercom were answered, but that the language barrier was too great.

WHAP! Isn't a cry for help pretty much universal in any language? I guess we are going to have to start teaching immigrants to speak "union."

U.S. Dollar Rises Against Euro, Edges Higher Against Yen
 

The U.S. dollar rose slightly against the euro after a speech by Alan Greenspan. Let me bore you with some numbers.

The euro bought $1.2842 in late afternoon trading, after trading at $1.2889 in late morning trading. The euro traded at $1.2868 late Tuesday in New York.

The pound also reversed course during the day, falling to $1.8785 from $1.8808 in New York, losing the strength it mustered after British Prime Minister Tony Blair called for May 5 national elections on Tuesday.

The dollar rose against the Japanese yen, buying 108.65 on Wednesday, from the 108.14 yen it brought in New York, regaining ground lost after Japan's central bank announced that its decision.

Much to the Democrats chagrin, our economy just keeps growing.

Huh? What is this? Our dollar just keeps getting stronger and stronger and stronger and stronger! How is that? Will those jackasses in Congress call for an investigation and hearings into possible steroid abuse by our legal tender?  

Harvard professor accused of stealing manure

A Harvard economics professor has been accused of neglecting the standard market practice of paying for goods and services by trying to steal a truckload of manure from a horse farmer.

An economics professor!!?? What a freak! I will assume the gist of the curriculum of his economics class is - free is always economically good. WHAP!

The stable manager, Phillip Casey, pulled his truck up and blocked Martin Weitzman in after he saw the guy filling his own truck with the manure - which the stable sells for $35 a truckload. He confronted the professor, who first became irate, but then became more calm and conciliatory after Casey called the police.

"He offered me $20 for it and then $40 for it," Casey said.

WHAP! $40 for a $35 dollar load of crap!!?! That isn't a very economically sound business deal. Can you guys believe that this guy actually teaches economics!! 

Casey said the land was marked private property and Weitzman, 63, had been warned before. "He's been doing it for years," Casey told the Gloucester Daily Times.

He must have been using the stuff for inspiration for his classroom lectures. Which, from what we have seen here, must be nothing but bulls**t!

Parents Lose Fight To Change 'Slaughter High' Name

Today's Shovel gripping story of insanity comes to us from Flagler County, Florida. It seems that they are going to temp fate, and allow a new local high school keep the name Matanzas.   

The School Board voted 4-1 Tuesday night to keep a new school named Matanzas High School.

Parents freaked last month when they that learned Matanzas means "slaughter," or "massacre" in Spanish.

These nuts are just asking for some Ritalin swallowing, antidepressant snorting, nerd, little loaner freak to pack an Uzi in his gym bag and then walk up and down the schools halls like the Rifleman on roids!   

School board members Colleen Conklin and Jim Guines said they received several phone calls from parents asking that the name be changed. Conklin was the only board member to vote against the name

Other school board members said they thought the name worked well for the school and that it was a part of the area's history. The French Huguenots were massacred in 1565 at the Matanzas Inlet. The French soldiers went through today's Flagler County to the Matanzas River where they were going to surrender, but instead were slaughtered.

The French going to surrender? Tell me NO!! Not the French! Surrender - never!

Isn't it odd how you can keep this school name, but you have to change the name of schools named after George Washington? WHAP!

Michael Vick Hit With Sex Suit

Claiming that Michael Vick gave her herpes, a Georgia woman is suing the star NFL quarterback for negligence and battery. According to the below lawsuit, Sonya Elliot, a 26-year-old health care worker, was infected with the sexually transmitted disease in April 2003 after an unprotected encounter with Vick at the athlete's Duluth, Georgia home.

Did I read that right? She was a freaking health care worker and she was having unprotected sex? Hello? This just proves that common sense can not be taught. You either got it or you ain't! That is like seeing a nurse standing out back of a cancer center smoking a cigarette!

Elliott alleges that after testing positive for Herpes Simplex 2, she confronted the Atlanta Falcons star, 24, about her condition.

"I've got something to tell you. I've got it," Vick admitted to her, according to Elliott's State Court complaint, which alleges that Vick then told her that "he had not known how to tell her about his condition, and that it was not something that he liked to talk about." 

He isn't just oozing talent.

Elliott's complaint also contends that Vick "apologized profusely" for not telling her he was infected with the STD.

Elliot's lawsuit alleges that Vick has used the name "Ron Mexico" and, in a related court filing, her lawyers are seeking Vick's admission that he used the "Mexico" alias--and perhaps other fake names--"for the purpose of herpes testing and/or treatment."

Ron Mexico? What is that? How about Dick Burns or Roddy Normus or Dick Trickle? Oh, wait -- Dick Trickle is a NASCAR driver and we all know there are no blacks in NASCAR, so no one would have believed that name.

In her lawsuit, which does not specify monetary damages, Elliott states that she met Vick at a Virginia Beach nightclub in May 2001 and, shortly thereafter, began a close personal relationship..... 

Shortly there after being when the bar tab had been paid!

Wednesday, 06, 2005

Peter Jennings, who revealed he has lung cancer Tuesday, plans to continue on "World News Tonight" as much as he can after beginning chemotherapy next week. Jennings, ABC's chief anchorman since 1983, was replaced by Elizabeth Vargas on Tuesday but taped a message telling viewers about his diagnosis.

I have my fingers crossed over his cancer. For a full recovery. A recovery! Come on, I'm not that sick of a freak.

Besides if he dies it will remove the chance that I will one day be able to put shovel to dome! I do think he should be sent back to Canada for his medical treatment though. hehehehehe

Court: There's No Constitutional Right To A Lap Dance

There's no constitutional right to get up-close and personal during a lap dance. That's the gist of a ruling from a federal appeals court.

On a side note it is still perfectly legal to murder you wife by starvation.

The panel has refused the appeal of a Southern California strip club owner who wanted a local "2-foot rule" overturned. The city of La Habra requires that lap dancers stay at least 2 feet away from customers during their performances. A federal appeals court has refused to reconsider a January ruling that upheld the 2-foot rule.

Wouldn't being 2 feet away eliminate the "lap" part of the dance? Why in the hell are these courts even wasting time on such tripe? I guess the they have solved terrorism, the deficit and cancer, so why not stick their noses into something that they have no business sticking it in? Sorry, maybe the sticking your nose into it reference wasn't exactly appropriate here. The owner of the strip club plans to appeal.

This story is more warped than the nose of John Denver's airplane.

The wife of a deputy prison warden who vanished 10 years ago with an escaped killer told authorities after she was found that he had held her captive the whole time, a federal agent said Tuesday.

They found her after a tip from someone who saw the story on “America’s Most Wanted”. It led the cops to a mobile home in Campti, Texas. They arrested the escaped convict, Randolph Dial, and a short time later they found the missing wife, Bobbi Parker, working at a chicken farm not far from Campti. The two had been living in a trailer the entire time. Bobbi says that she stayed with Dial out of fear for her family.

Bobbi Parker’s mother received a phone call from her later that night traced to Hurst, Texas. “I can’t talk now,” she said, crying. “I’m OK. Tell the kids I’ll see them soon.”

A day later, she made a second call, this time from Fort Worth to a friend. It was the last message her family got from her. “I’ve got 30 seconds to talk,” she said. “I want you to call my home. Tell the kids I love them and I’ll be home soon.”

“There have been cases of this kind and typically this will result when someone believes family members might be in danger,” Hernandez said.

For 10 years? Timm has a problem buying that! Me thinks she liked the bad guy. I think we will file this away in the lying lunatic section of the Shovel archives.

Tuesday, 05, 2005

Blame flies over stolen skunk

Lakemoor Community Association members say it stinks that someone stole their 30-foot inflatable skunk from its spot along Lincoln Road.

These morons paid $8,000 for the thing. 8 grand for a balloon?? You deserve to have it stolen, you freaks! They bought it and stuck it out in front of a location where the village is proposing to build sewage treatment plant. Morons! Would you like to enjoy the convenience of simply flushing your toilet, or would you like to deal with your waste yourself? These types of freaks tend to be FULL of crap, so that would be a very arduous task! These baboons don't want to have to do anything for themselves, but they will always question the manner in which other people do it for them. Typical damn liberal!!!

Don Allen, the group’s president, thinks the theft was politically motivated since the sewer plant has surfaced as a campaign issue in the testy village president’s race.

“I can’t say…but the finger points to two parties...one of which is probably responsible,” Allen said.

The responsible party is most likely the enormous party of one - Michael Moore. Who most likely mistook the balloon for a big free tasty chocolate and sausage treat! He will probably return the parts that he didn't snack on and they will probably be slathered in honey mustard.

The skunk was inflated last Friday near land suspected to be the future location of a sewage treatment plant. It held the political message “No Sewer Plant Vote Virginia Povidas April 5.”

He said the skunk was insured, and a police report was filed with the McHenry County Sheriff’s Office.

The skunk was insured? How can an inflatable skunk get insurance when so many hardworking Americans can't? That is an outrage! hehehehe

Ted Kennedy put down his double-scotch-jack-and coke long enough to mumble, "that damn skunk must be a damn Republican from Halliburton. Where the hell are my pants?!!?"

Peggy O’Connor, owner of Big Sky Balloons and Searchlights Inc., where the balloon was rented, said she will offer a reward for information leading to its safe return. A monetary amount has not been decided.

I, out of the goodness of my shovel swinging heart will add a nickel to the reward fund.

No sex please, we're from Manchester

Organizers of a major erotic festival are closing for business in Manchester due to a lack of interest, which they blame on recalcitrant northern men.

Bacon ban after veggie complaint

A SANDWICH shop has been banned from selling bacon butties - after a vegetarian complained about the "vile" smell.

First off, I don't know if I would actually pay for and eat anything named "butties".
Maybe that is just me, I don't know.

Anyway, the owners of Sizzlers Sandwich Bar in Stamford Square, have been warned that they will be committing a criminal offence if they carry on making the traditional breakfast favorite.

The couple have described the order banning them from selling hot food as "completely ridiculous" and say it will have a major impact on their livelihood.

But council officials insist the enforcement notice is justified because the shop has not followed the correct planning procedure.

Mr. Goodwin has been living next door to the shop for 10 years and says he was never troubled until the Males took over a year ago and started selling bacon butties.

Well, now we see the root of the problem!!! The MALES have taken over!! Always blame everything on the MALES!

The idiot, a 40-year-old former pub singer, who performed under the stage name Tony Wayne, said: "I've spent £3,000 on my garden to make it nice for my daughter but we can't use it now because it stinks. You can't have the windows or doors open so you're basically locked in your house. It's vile. I shouldn't be in this situation. I've lived in my home for 10 years then they came along and caused all this."
 

What a jackass. Vegetarian extremist are such pudwads! This guy has lived at the residence for 10 years, but he only gave up eating meat about EIGHT months ago!! And that was after his wife, who was a vegetarian, died of cancer at the age of 35. She didn't eat meat, so it is not like he gave up meat because it killed her. This guy is acting like he gave up smoking and is complaining about cigarette smoke because his wife died of freaking lung cancer!!!! Shut up and move on, you oaf! mmmmm bacon.

But he claimed the smell of sizzling bacon from next door was now so intolerable that he has been forced to live in a Caravan outside a friend's house with his three-year-old daughter Olivia.

Forced to live in a Caravan? Let me just offer a little advice to this putz.... watch your back, guy - Darwin has you in his scopes

Stolen Car In Handicapped Space Has 265 Pounds Of Pot

An alert Greenwood Village police officer is credited with a large marijuana bust after noticing a suspicious vehicle parking in a handicapped spot at a local motel.

Note to idiots! Don't park a stolen car, full of pot, in a handicap parking space!!

While talking to them, he noticed that the steering column had been damaged. When he took the two females into custody for auto theft, he said one of them mentioned there were drugs in the vehicle. The officer called in the license plate and it came back as stolen out of New Mexico, police said. A K-9 unit from Arapahoe County uncovered 265 pounds of marijuana in the car.

We have reports that Snoop-Doggy-Dog has been calling around asking, "Where are my bitches?"

Oral Sex Safe and Not Really Sex, Say U.S. Teens

One in five U.S. teenagers say they have engaged in oral sex, an activity that some adolescents view as not sex at all and certainly less risky than intercourse, a report released Monday said.

Thank you Bill Clinton. I hope you enjoy your legacy. Seriously, I want to personally thank you because you just made it much harder for my girlfriend to catch me cheating on her.

Monday, 04, 2005

Chicken entrepreneur Frank Perdue dies

Frank Perdue, who built one of the world's biggest chicken companies by appearing in TV commercials that seemed to play off his remarkable resemblance to the product he sold, has died at 84.

Making a living choking the chicken, and being able to do it into your 80's isn't a bad life. I bet Ron Jeremy is jealous.

He was one of the first CEOs to pitch his own product. He started on television in 1971, turning his down-home charm on as he delivered his famous line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken." Beat it.

The business grew into an empire that now employs over 20,000 people and works with 7,500 independent farm families. Wow!

Perdue Farms Inc. went from annual sales of $56 million in 1970 to $2.8 billion in 2003. WOW!

He did156 different ads. I think I saw them all. At least I feel like I did - and I don't mean that in a good way. Geez all mighty! HAHAHA

In building his poultry business, Perdue was the consummate entrepreneur and workaholic, who would put in 18 hours a day and get by on three or four hours' sleep. He had a cot in his office and often spent the night there, even though his home was 50 yards away.

Try getting any member of the King family to do that!

Two men who possessed 6 of the firearms arrested; pistol still missing

Authorities have recovered 31 high-powered firearms stolen two weeks ago from an unlocked sport utility vehicle and have arrested two men who had possession of six of the weapons.

Authorities arrested brothers Jesse Regalado, and Anthony Regalado, on Wednesday on charges of possession of prohibitive weapons, a state felony punishable by two to 10 years in prison and a $10,000 fine, said Montgomery County Precinct 3 Constable Tim Holifield.

I will bet you they don't do a month!

The miscreants were arrested after the police found a bag of six weapons that they had stashed in a secluded wooded area.

Someone who saw a suspicious person hide the bag called police. The suspects were gone when a Montgomery County Sheriff's deputy arrived, Holifield said.

He said information and tips from the ongoing investigation led police to the brothers and the rest of the stolen weapons, which were found buried in other wooded areas.

These weapons were stolen from an unlocked Hummer which happened to be owned by a federally licensed gun dealer. HELLO!!?? Unlocked?

The owner's name was not released.

Not released?

I think it should be posted on billboards, stating, "I am an unmitigated, booger eating, should be tossing fries for a living, only humped my cousin 7 times, have a meth lab in my bathtub, never been a member of the NRA freaking IDIOT!" What in the hell was this guy thinking?

The weapons included 16 silencers and five machine guns.

I guess the guy didn't deal in Shovels. My Shovel is self equipped with a silencer. WHAP!

Record number of Powerball winners, thanks to fortune cookie

Cruise Line Sued for 'Unsanitary' Cruise

Senator's arrest prompts investigation into lobbyists' event

The state Ethics Board is investigating tavern industry lobbyists for charging Wisconsin lawmakers $5 for unlimited beer the night a senator was arrested for drunken driving.

Upon hearing the news, Ted Kennedy burped and then gently placed his forehead on the armrest of his senatorial throne and started snoring.

State Sen. Russ Decker was pulled over in a Madison suburb about three hours after he and other lawmakers were charged the $5 for food and beer at the Tavern League of Wisconsin's event, from 5 p.m. to 8 p.m.

I will bet you a dollar to a doughnut that none of them even paid the five bucks!

Roth Judd, director of the state Ethics Board, <State Ethics Board? There is a contradiction in terms!> said he launched the investigation to see whether the event complied with state laws on lobbying. Lawmakers may attend such events but must pay the full cost of any food or drink received. It's unclear whether a $5 charge for unlimited beer would comply, he said.

Judd said he's checking with the league "to learn what its costs were, how it computed the costs and see whether this was a fair and appropriate charge." Right.

Please shut the f**k up! WHAP! No one will be charged, even if they are guilty. This Roth Judd guy will drink more than $5 worth of alcohol while he is quote-unquote, investigating this case. Go get a hobby! Sandy Berger just got a slap on the wrist for taking classified documents out of the National Archives. Do you actually think they are going to do anything to these guys? Take the investigation money and use it to fill in some potholes in your city's streets, you jackasses!! WHAP!

Law orders antifreeze to be made bad-tasting

Scooby got his due yesterday, as the governor signed into law a requirement that antifreeze have a bitter taste to deter dogs from lapping it up.

Scooby, a golden retriever from Bernalillo, an Albuquerque suburb, had to be destroyed in 2003 after drinking the poisonous liquid.

Destroyed? How about killed? Put to sleep? Allowed to die? I hate how the liberals use words to change the actual meaning of things! Destroyed? What is that? Was he a four legged battleship? Destroyed? WHAP!

On a side note, have you noticed that "no outlet" has replaced "dead end"? Political correctness run amuck! WHAP!!

This dogs death prompted an Albuquerque city ordinance named "Scooby's Law". It will mandate that the manufactures produce a bitter-tasting antifreeze.

That sounds all good and happy feely, but think about it - these are dogs that lick their own butts. Can they actually make it taste any more bitter than that?

Our government at work!

The incessant drumbeat of negativity about what is going on in Iraq is flat out shovel gripping maddening! I really, really suggest that you guys check this out to see what is really going on. It is a newsletter from the Marines. Hoorah!

Google has introduced a service that shows you where all the cabs are in a city. I imagine New York City will be colored one big middle of the forehead red dot!

Friday, 01, 2005

Terri Schiavo dies in Florida hospice

Ummm.... NO!!! That is the nice little liberal spin on what happened. The headline should have been........

After two weeks, Terri Schiavo has finally been successfully murdered by her countries government

The 41-year-old woman passed away <umm... was murdered!> shortly after 9 a.m., 14 days after her feeding and hydration tube was removed by court order based on the contention by her husband Michael Schiavo that she would not want to continue living in a "persistent vegetative state." Terri Schiavo's parents have long fought the decision to remove the tube, disputing their son-in-law's claim.

This is not a slope that we want to go down guys! If you had done to your dog or cat what our government just did to this woman you would do jail time.

I wonder, where were the women's rights groups on this? We didn't hear a peep! Oh, never mind, I forgot that this case was about a parent actually wanting to keep a child alive. I'm not going to rant here, but let me give you a few facts that the press isn't going to give you.

Michael Schiavo is Satan.

The doctor, Dr. Ronald Cranford, who Satan handpicked to examine Terri is a pro-euthanasia freak. In1992 he was the featured speaker for the pro-euthanasia Hemlock Society. They have since changed their little death clubs name to the The Choice in Dying Society. This jackass actually nicknamed himself, "Dr. Humane Death."  I think he recommends death as a cure for the common cold. I could be wrong, I'm not sure. But, I wouldn't risk it.

Now, get this....  George Felos, the attorney hired by Michael, I should be beat to death with a shovel and then used as a human urinal, Schiavo also belongs to that society. They call it a society, it is a freaking cult!

This guy is a true death loving freak. He has some sort of God complex. He wrote a book back in 2002, called - "Litigation: A Spiritual Practice."

This is just one paragraph from that misanthropic tome....

"As Mrs. Browning lay motionless before my gaze I suddenly heard a loud, deep moan and scream and wondered if the nursing home personnel heard it and would respond to the unfortunate resident. In the next moment as this cry of pain and torment continued I realized it was Mrs. Browning. I felt the midsection of my body open; I noticed a strange quality of light in the room. I sensed her soul in agony. As she screamed, I heard her say in confusion, 'Why am I still here? Why am I here?' My soul touched hers and in some way I communicated that she was still locked in her body. I promised I would do everything in my power to gain the release of her soul. With that, the screaming immediately stopped. I felt like I was back in my head again. The room resumed its normal appearance and Mrs. Browning as she had throughout this experience lay silent."

Huh?? Sick. This guy is sick. I bet he has a picture of Jim Jones and a big bottle of Kool-Aid hanging in his office. WHAP!

But, the courts decided to judge in favor of these two freaks, so our government just murdered an innocent woman.  Sad. Sickening, but hopefully eye opening.  I just ---errrrugghhgh!!

Ok.... lets move on to something a little less serious -- don't want to start your guys Friday off in a funk!

Cocaine, not octane, was vehicle's problem
 

Obviously Chris Farley has been ruled out.

Rap impresario Marion "Suge" Knight has been ordered to pay $107 million to a woman who said she helped found his ground-breaking music label, but was pushed out after Knight realized how valuable Death Row Records was.

A Los Angeles judge ordered Knight to pay Lydia Harris $47 million in economic and noneconomic damages and $60 million in punitive damages, according to a March 9 order.

Superior Court Judge Ronald Sohigian issued the default judgment after ruling Knight and his attorneys failed to comply with his order to share evidence with Harris and her attorneys in preparation for trial.

I don't know about this chick, but if I had just won this suit I would invest half of that money in Kevlar body suits and bulletproof houses!

Harris was initially listed on corporate documents as a vice president but was later dropped from the corporate charter without her knowledge, her attorney said.

The company began to drop off in 1996, when Knight was imprisoned for five years for violating probation on an assault charge. He was released in 2001 but went back to jail two years later for punching a parking attendant at a Hollywood nightclub.

Obviously, this jackass is a pillar of society. Not!

His company did make a lot of money for a bunch of completely talent deficient scumbags who should be mopping floors in subway station bathrooms across this country - but that is another swing!

I want to sue both of them for passing off disturbing, irritating and obnoxious sounds as actual music.

JANE FONDA REGRETS THE "BETRAYAL" HER PHOTO ON A NORTH VIETNAMESE ANTI-AIRCRAFT GUN SYMBOLIZED

This is from the Drudge Report.

Jane Fonda has no regrets about her trip to North Vietnam in 1972 - with one big exception: her visit to a North Vietnamese anti-aircraft gun site used to shoot down U.S. pilots. She says her appearance there, which earned her the epithet "Hanoi Jane," was a "betrayal" of the U.S. military, its soldiers and "the country that gave me privilege." She regards the event as one of the biggest mistakes of her life. Fonda speaks to Lesley Stahl in her first interview about her upcoming autobiography, Jane Fonda: My Life So Far, for a 60 MINUTES report to be broadcast Sunday, April 3 (7:00-8:00 PM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network. She should have been locked the hell up for treason! Bitch! 

She ran around screaming that we needed to pull out. Too bad her mother wasn't screaming the same thing at Henry Fonda during that split second when Jane was conceived!