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Wednesday, 27, 2005
STATEMENT BY SENATOR EDWARD
M. KENNEDY ON ANNIVERSARY OF ABU GHRAIB SCANDAL
Fat drunk Ted is
running his booze hole again!
The sad anniversary of the Abu Ghraib torture scandal
is now upon us.
Torture? This fat
bastard has forgotten 9-11!!!
Have a shot on me, you
pig!
It's an appropriate
time to reflect on how well we've responded as a nation.
The images of cruelty, and perversion are still difficult to look at a year
later.
PERVERSION and CRUELTY?? Look in your own
house! Kennedy's watch this sort of stuff on slideshows at family
get-togethers! What is wrong with this guy?
Turd..... I mean Ted. I know you don't
remember it, but you have photo albums full of pictures of you naked with
panties on your obnoxiously large and bloated head! How can you call
something that you routinely pay good money to take part in torture? You
operate Abu Ghraib-ass Kennedy Compounds all over our nation. You putz!
These images are seared into our collective memory.
But the image of two towers in New York
collapsing in a big ball of flames, and taking thousands of American lives
with them, seems to have escaped whiskey boys memory. Go have a stroke! The
only thing seared in you memory is the number of the local whore house and
the Jack Daniels logo!!

The reports of widespread abuse by U.S.
personnel were initially met with disbelief, then incomprehension.
Then, they were met by widespread sentiments
of shut the f*ck up already! WHAP!!!
They stand in sharp contrast to the values
America has always stood for-our belief in the dignity and worth of all
people.
Dignity??!!?
Where is the dignity and worth? Where was it while a young girl drowned in
your car while while you wandered around drunker than a nine-eyed
monkey!! I guess there was dignity in you wearing a neck brace and making
excuses for letting her die!! You fat pig!!
-our
unequivocal stance against torture and abuse -- our commitment to the rule
of law. The images horrified us and severely damaged our reputation in the
Middle East and around the world.
Fat Ted is one to talk about reputation, huh?
Ya know, guys - - I've been drunk, but I have never been - "what do
the people in the Middle East who want us all dead think about our
reputation, drunk!" What is that?? Or slam my car into a creek and let my
girlfriend drown while I go get another Jack and Coke drunk!
SHUT UP!! You fat
sot!! You have the Kennedy name. Why don't you take it, and the family
money, and just live out your days on a private island!

Bizarre: Man Tries To Blow Up
Surgeon As Penis Op Goes Wrong
An American man was
so unhappy with the outcome of his penis enlargement surgery he sent a mail
bomb to his plastic surgeon.

Apparently he asked
for the Peter Jennings enlargement and only got the John Holmes.
Blake R. Steidler
was so upset with the result of the operation he sent the doctor a jeweler
box primed to explode when it was opened.
However, the
enraged man changed his mind at the last minute and telephoned police who
found the bomb and detonated it in a controlled explosion, before arresting
the 24-year-old.
He was charged with
premature-detonation and then registered to vote Democrat.

Wayward Buffalo's Owner to
Slaughter Them
Damn! I saw that
headline and thought that Tom Arnold and Ted Turner had just been given a
007 license on ex-wives! !
The 10 or so beasts
disrupted traffic and alarmed homeowners Tuesday before officers managed to
corral them on a tennis court. More than a dozen police cars and a police
helicopter were used to herd the animals.
A tennis court? I
will guess that they thought it was the greenroom at The VIEW. Starr
Jones had a Twinkie and then went an had a fist full of lard.

Tuesday,26,2005
Bee Gee hit "Stayin' Alive" upsets
Anzac Cove pilgrims
Thousands of
Australians who went to Turkey's Anzac Cove to commemorate and remember the
men who died there during one of World War I's battles were outraged when
Australian organizers of the ceremony played the Bee Gees' hit song "Stayin'
Alive."

The disco hit,
along with "You Should Be Dancin", was played on a large screen to entertain
some 20,000 people -- mainly Australians and New Zealanders -- during a
break in the official program, The Australian newspaper reported.
More than 11,000 Australians and New Zealanders
were killed in the failed nine-month Gallipoli campaign along with more than
31,000 British, French and Indian soldiers. Turkey lost some 86,000 men.
I guess that is what they get for hiring Jane Fonda
Entertainment Inc.!!!

Two Hunters Die of Apparent
Heart Attacks
Two elderly men who
had gone turkey hunting together died from apparent heart attacks just
minutes apart, authorities said.
Elmer Sapp, 78, and
Alfred Hurd, 70, were hunting south of East Wenatchee on Monday when Hurd
got out of a pickup truck and chased a bird down an embankment.

Sapp followed and
found his hunting partner lying on the ground, according to Chelan County
Sheriff Mike Harum. Sapp then went back to the pickup, flagged down a
motorist, told the motorist what happened and then collapsed.
The autopsy results
aren't in yet, but Elmer Fudd called them both wimps. I guess if you have to
go -- choking ......errrr... I mean, chasing the chicken would be a nice way
to do it.

Free lunches exist, but expect
complaints
Shovelline Rome - A Roman
restaurant owner called the police on Monday after a smartly dressed
customer got up and calmly declared that he didn’t have any money to pay the
bill.

Smartly dressed...
hmmm... that rules out Michael Moore. I guess this is the first evidence
that liberal Democrats are colonizing Rome.
After checking the
records, the police found out that 96 complaints had been filed against this
guy for pulling that same stunt all across Italy. France, upon hearing this
news, immediately surrendered.

Was
Kidnapped Teen's 911 Call Thought To Be A Prank?
The Elgin Police Department is
investigating a call made by a kidnapped teen who was later found brutally
murdered. David Steeves dialed 911 from inside the trunk of a car seconds
after his abduction.....
On Friday, April 8, a call came into Elgin's 911 communication center. The
voice on the line was 19-year-old David Steeves.
“Hello, Elgin 911” 
“I'm on South Street,” Steeves said. “You need to bring a police officer.”
Somehow the phone disconnected, but police say the operator got Steeves back
on the line. A frantic conversation followed.
“What's your name?”
“We're going fast. My name is David Steeves. Please find me... ,” he said.
“I'm in a trunk right now. I don't know where I'm at.”
“All right. Stay on the phone then.”
“Oh my God. You guys, please help me. Please help me. Oh my God, please help
me.”
The line went dead again. The 911 operator is heard
saying that she thinks the call is a prank. They found the kid a day later.
Dead. I guess the joke was on him.

Monday, 25, 2005
Star Wars Arcade Record Attempt
25 year old Brandon Erickson of Portland, Oregon will
attempt what few have achieved - a non-stop marathon play of the original
Star Wars Arcade video game.
Let me step out on a
limb and guess that few have achieved this because there are so few people
that are totally devoid of having a little thing that most of us call a
FREAKING LIFE!!! WHAP!!!!
From noon May 16th to the midnight screening of
Episode III on May 18th, he hopes to break a 22 year old record standing
since Return of the Jedi in 1983:
Brandon, who is “the world's premiere classic Star Wars competitor”
according to videogame record keepers Twin Galaxies, says beating the 300
million point score is his most ambitious attempt yet. "The challenge is
maintaining focus over such a long period of time. Letting go for even 30
seconds means ‘game over.’ There is very little room for letting my
concentration flag."

With newer Star Wars games available, why play the first one? “It's a way to
celebrate the original films, and the games of that era,” he says. “Aside
from that, it's a heck of a lot of fun. It's hard to top playing Luke
Skywalker as he blows up the Death Star.”
Also, I'm guessing
that the original game is all that he can afford on his French-fry machinist
salary!!!!! YOU GEEK!!!!
Why do I feel the need
to slather myself in Clearasil right now?
Brandon's dedication and endurance will mirror that of Star Wars fans
standing in lines at movie theaters worldwide. "I feel a sense of solidarity
and camaraderie," he says. “May the Force be with them. Hopefully someone
will save me a seat!”
We have it on good
word here at the Shovel that his next "stunt" will be to have sexual
relations that last more than 1.7 seconds.
But his gameplay isn't just for the love of Star Wars and classic arcades:
it will also benefit education. Brandon asks that supporters pledge a dollar
amount for every hour he plays to The Portland Schools Foundation by
contacting Amy Anderson at (503)234-5404, extension 28.
"If I complete this challenge, I hope George Lucas grants me the rank of
Jedi Master," says Brandon. "That will look great on my resume."
That is all nice and
noble, but I think we will all be scanning his resume for one word --
STERILE!!! What a nut job!! What would we do without freaks, guys? I guess
life would be pretty boring, huh? I hope George Lucas grants him his true
rank, which would be Mastur of
Bation!!!!!

50 Cent's Manager Sha Money XL
Responds To Robbery Allegations
Weeks ago Sha Money
XL, an executive at G-Unit Records, was reportedly accosted at gunpoint in
his native Queens, New York, while attempting to get a haircut.
Sha managed to
escape the situation unscathed, but told AllHipHop.com that he wanted to
clarify the matter. <Obviously this guy has grasped advanced resources of
the English language that most of us can only aspire to....>
"N***as ain’t shoot
my whip up, they did set me up,” he said. “I'm still in the hood and got a
scope on all these jealous bitch a** n***s in my ‘hood that ain’t happy for
me. [They] wanna eat try [to set me up] again - I will feed them.”
The reports state
that, Sha <I have no idea how you pronounce that name. Probably due to
the fact that I am painfully white.> Anyway, he was locked inside a barbershop and
and told that he could no longer come
to Queens.
After being set
free, he went on to display his unparalleled proficiency in the use of
verbs, adjectives, gerunds and pronouns by stating....
"Steve Stoute, Clue
and Irv [Gotti] blew and never turned around. Here I am doing the opposite
and that's the love I get? It’s all good. I'm still breathing - God bless
that, [I’m] still rich, back to Jacob for a bigger bezel and bigger piece,”
he continued. “I'm still in the hood and n***as know that but famous words
from [50 Cent] – ‘fuck the hood.’ They mad when a
n***a get rich like I did and I ain’t turning back, I got my kids money
saved,” he finished.
Interesting.
That is how they
edited his comments in the article. I didn't change a word of it. They
***'ed out the N word but left the F word in. I find that a little strange,
but then again I ain't never been axed to edit an interview from the hood.
And I damn sure wouldn't do it for just 50 cents!!!

Oil-drilling
protesters bring dessert
Citing fears that the
U.S. government may allow oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife
Refuge, about 100 protesters sought to melt their opponents' arguments with
a Capitol Hill rally Friday featuring a gigantic baked Alaska.
Ben & Jerry's, the
ice cream company known for its activism, was one of the sponsors. The
Alaska Wilderness League also helped organize the demonstration.
"This is not going
to last very long, just like the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, if you
drill up there," said Arnold Carbone, one of the creators of the mammoth
frozen treat and a "flavor guru" at Ben & Jerry's.

Could this guy be
anymore brazen in his display of his blatant stupidity? Liberals. They
always choose emotion over logic. We can all hug and feel good about an
idea, but those feelings will quickly dissipate when the thoughts meet
something called reality!! SHUT UP!!!
Proponents of the
exploration say it will counter U.S. dependence on imported oil. Estimates
on how much oil it would produce and for how long vary greatly between
supporters and opponents of the plan. Typical liberal thought...they will
decided the quality...until then, remove the feeding tube.
A dozen people
walked the baked Alaska, weighing about 900 pounds, from a freezer truck and
placed it on display. They carried the massive dessert on two large sheets
of plywood and a set of 2-by-4 lumber.
Is it still a
requirement that journalist study basic grammar? Me don't know!!
I do know of two
any two of the dozen people combined weight would equal 900
pounds, plus 20.
"It's a combination
of cake, 'fossil fuel,' one of our new flavors and marshmallow," said
Carbone, whose shirt was covered with melted bits of cake.
Melted bits of
cake???!!!?? What a jackass! This guy should be sitting in a small carbon
monoxide filled room with the Star Wars guy from our previous story!!!
The U.S.
House of Representatives approved an energy bill this week that includes a
provision to allow drilling in the Alaska refuge. The House vote
brought a serious mood to the group at Friday's rally.
Serious mood?? No
liberal slant/bias there, huh? I wonder how these protestors got to this
rally?
Pointing to the
Capitol dome, John Passacantando, executive director of Greenpeace USA,
said, "Our congressmen, who take an oath to serve the people up in that
House, are serving the oil companies. They're not serving us. And we're
going to serve them baked Alaska."
The crowd cheered.
They should all
have been beaten to death with shovels!!! This isn't about oil, and the day
your cars dies it will no longer be about oil. Shut up! It is about about
capitalism and their hatred of it. Wanna talk about biting the hand that
feeds you> Liberals will never learn!! If cars ran off of rain, they would
be against dark clouds!
These are
anti-America lefties. How are you going to f**king serve me baked Alaska
without using one of our natural f**king resources!!!?? You stupid moron
idiots!!!!!!!!!! Where are you going to find the source of heat??
Are you going to do
it with a campfire? That fire would require that you burn the trees that you
so covet. Or do you.......never mind. IDIOTS!!!!!!
"Don't bake Alaska"
with oil drilling, said Yola Carlough, director of social mission at Ben &
Jerry's.
Lick your shovel
and grin. These people are morons! Should we actually listen to anyone named
Yola????
"Yola, she was a
show girl, but that was thirty years ago when there used to be a show....and
he/she did the tango??? Were this persons parents Barry Manilow fans with a
hair lip? Yola? Sorry.
Sharon Kim,
enjoying some of the ice cream cake, said, "We're trying to protect the
wilderness in Alaska" by opposing "all of the drilling that's potentially
going to happen and all of the disruption to the wilderness that's going to
happen."
WHAP!!!
All of these
potential breeders of morons DROVE to this event. Hello? Am I the only sane
one here?? Think about it. They are damning the production of the VERY
product that allows them to conduct their daily protest! JACKASS!!!
Anyway, what would
Alaska be if we <the U.S.A.> hadn't bought it??
It would be a
reservoir for ice for our margaritas, which happens to be a Mexican drink
that was made famous by an American white dude who now wears a billion
dollar pair of flip-flops! Get out your abacus and explain that one to me!!

Man's body discovered in library
The body of a man has been found by
staff who arrived for work at a public library in Perth.
Tayside
Police were called to the A.K.Bell Library just before 7:00 on Saturday
following the discovery.

A spokesman said: "We can
confirm the body of a 37-year-old man was found in the library on York Place
in Perth when staff opened the building. "There are no apparent suspicious
circumstances circumstances but police enquiries are continuing.
I think he was reading Dr.
Seuss's, "One fish, two fish, red fish, blue dead dude." Or maybe Hillary's
book, "Screeching and lying about history". Either way, death wasn't such a
bad way out!

Monday, 25, 2005
Inventor Creates Soundless Sound
System
Elwood "Woody"
Norris pointed a metal frequency emitter at one of perhaps 30 people who had
come to see his invention. The emitter — an aluminum square — was hooked up
by a wire to a CD player. Norris switched on the CD player.
There were no
speakers and the only person that could hear the sound was the one that he
was pointing his emitter at. He was playing the sounds of a waterfall, but you
couldn't hear it unless he pointed the thing directly at you. Man, if Fran
Dresher were to ever get her hands on this technology she could use her
voice to make every man on this planet take his own life with a dull butcher
knife!!

Norris' HyperSonic Sound system has won him an award coveted by inventors
— the $500,000 annual Lemelson-MIT Prize. It works by sending a focused beam
of sound above the range of human hearing. When it lands on you, it seems
like sound is coming from inside your head. Norris said the uses for the
technology could come in handy — in cars, in the airport or at home.
Home?? Does this mean that wives will finally be able to get their
husbands to listen to them? And, visa verse? It will eliminate the "I didn't
hear you" excuse, because the spouse can point the emitter straight at
their partner, thus insuring that they heard it!
If the other
continues to deny that they heard it, the first can then transmit Yoko
Ono's greatest hits until the other breaks down and admits to their lie.
Actually, think about how law enforcement could use this! Put in a CD and it
would eliminate all the debate over the use of tasers. Put down the taser
and use this thing. The criminals would
hit their knees and surrender before the second chorus of No Bed For
Beatle John. Which, by the way, is a tune that I think should be played on a 24/7
loop in every death row cell block in this country. Contact your congressman and see if we can
get that law brought up for a vote.

'Monday Night Football' Moving to
ESPN
"Monday Night Football," a television institution that over 35 years has
helped transform the NFL into a prime-time ratings draw, is leaving ABC and
moving to ESPN beginning with the 2006 season. The new broadcast deal also brings the NFL to NBC for the first time in
six years. The network gets the Sunday night package — which the league now
considers its marquee television showcase — and will employ a flexible
scheduling model.
The move to ESPN, which currently broadcasts Sunday night games, keeps
the Monday Night Football brand within the umbrella of The Disney Company.
Disney owns both ESPN and ABC.
It also brings life as I know it to an end. Monday
Night Football is gone. An American institution wiped out! WHAP! Was
this decision made by the Taliban? I
hope everyone involved with this deal develops and unGodly rectal itch that
doctors have no cure for!!

After the coming season, ABC, which reshaped
sports broadcasting by turning the NFL into a prime-time ratings draw, will
be the only major network not to carry it. "Monday Night Football" has been
a pillar of ABC since it began in 1970, when Howard Cosell anchored the show
that now stands as the second-longest running prime time network series,
trailing CBS's 60 Minutes by two years.
This makes me
sick! I swear, if they bring Chris - I'm so fat, I could swallow Rosanne
Barr whole - Burman into the booth, I am going to start taking hostages!
Maybe 10 a day! EVERYDAY!
Never have I seen someone get so far with so very,
very little talent in my life! Well, there is Michael Moore, who also
happens to be a big fat ass, with no talent. Why is that? Are executives
hanging out at all-you-can-eat bars in hopes of finding the next Howard
Cosell or Martin Scorsese???
What is it? "He sure can swallow food, he must be
able to broadcast!" They must look at his girth when giving him
consideration for promotion. WHAP!
I pray that this will be the straw that breaks
ESPN's back. I hate ESPN! I will bet you that the ratings will suck even
worse than they did on ABC. I know they will. I hope ESPN eats it like
Chris Burman on a dump truck full of ham-sandwiches. This just pisses me off! An American institution is
gone, mistakes have been made, people will pay. Namely US!!! WHAP!!!!"

Absent Minded Champ
Trivial matter: 'Jeopardy' champ forgot where he parked his car
It's one thing to win two million dollars on "Jeopardy," but the real
challenge is remembering where the car is parked. So says record-setting
"Jeopardy" champ Ken Jennings, who spoke yesterday to students at Siena
College in a suburb of Albany, New York.
Jennings confessed that he was so absent-minded after passing the one
million-dollar winnings mark on the game show, he forgot where he parked his
car. He says the layout of the garage confused him.

Not to mention the fact that this was the first time in his life that his
parents hadn't dropped him off to be picked up later.
The software engineer from Utah went on to more than double his winnings,
ending with more two and a half million dollars. Jennings has taken a hiatus
from his job to tour the country speaking at college campuses, writing a
book and working on several board games.
His first board game --- "I'm not a nerd!" will come complete with a
turtleneck sweater, brown corduroy pants and an Easy-Bake Oven recipe book.

Smart clock knows when you're ready
to get up
Sometimes, goes the old joke, I
wake up grumpy...at other times, I let him sleep.
Grumpy need never wake up anything less than refreshed, thanks to a
futuristic alarm clock that monitors sleep patterns and waits for the
sleeper to be in the best possible phase before rousing him.
This new gadget, called the SleepSmart, monitors sleep patterns
that they say are
repeated about every 90 minutes. The cycles go from light sleep, deep
sleep and rapid-eye-movement (REM) sleep. REM being the the cycle of
sleep in which we dream most fully. <REM is also known for the worst noise
on the planet to ever be labeled as music!! WHAP! That is another rant!>

This company has created a headband equipped with
electrodes and a microprocessor, that records the patterns of brainwaves
produced during each phase of sleep, and transmits the data to your alarm
clock.
The point in that cycle in which you wake can affect how you feel when
you wake up -- and being roused during the light sleep phase means you are
likelier to wake up perky.
The user programs the clock with the latest time at which he wants to
be wakened. The alarm then goes off during the last light-sleep phase before
the deadline.
Democrats will surely crush this innovation. The last thing they need is
something that might eliminate an excuse for being irresponsible: Even if
most of them don't have actual jobs that they need to show up on time for.
Ted Kennedy might set the thing to remind him when he should put down the
scotch and grab the steering wheel. I don't know. WHAP!

Can American Standard design an
uncloggable toilet?
In one room, 12 toilets are flushing as if under ghostly control; an
electronic machine is pulling the virtual levers--and manipulating water
temperature and pressure as well. In smaller rooms nearby, one man is
alternately flushing cylinders of miso paste, wadded-up paper, and as many
as 24 golf balls at a time, while another is inspecting different glazes on
ceramic tiles.

Men and machines are testing and retesting the Champion, a low-to-medium
priced but technically advanced toilet. American Standard, the world's
largest maker of bathroom and kitchen products, has promised consumers that
the Champion will never clog.
Michael Moore was said to be eating triple cheese,
bacon, butter burgers, while laughing at the thought of guaranteeing his money
back rebate.
Its sales were up 11 percent in the fourth quarter, to $2.35 billion.
....numbers exceeded analyst's expectations.
Thus proving that most people on this planet are
full of sh*t!

Honda Offers Retail Natural Gas Vehicle
In what it describes as an industry first, Honda Motor Co. is offering a
natural gas vehicle with its own home refueling machine at dealerships in
California.
Honda said Thursday it has been offering its Honda Civic GX sedan to
fleet operators for seven years, and estimates there are 7,000 of the
natural gas-powered vehicles on the road. But this will be the first time
consumers can buy the vehicle in a dealership and lease a refueling machine
to go along with it. 
A refueling machine? Chris Berman claims that he will
be able to use the byproduct of his mass consumption Nutter Butters to fuel
the car and his bloated ego. I hate ESPN! Go get a straw Berman because you
suck!! Michael Moore
will be able to make millions on the side by using his butt to Moonlight as
a natural gas pump.

Friday, 22, 05
A new Pope has been
chosen. I guess I could have taken the time to find a picture that looked
more like he had been elected and less like he had just arisen from the
dead. Freaky! But, alas, can we please get passed this? I am sick of hearing
about it.

With unusual speed
and little surprise, Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger of Germany became Pope
Benedict XVI on Tuesday, a 78-year-old transitional leader who promises to
enforce strictly conservative policies for the world's Roman Catholics.

'Food Pyramid' Replaced by 12 Different Ones
The government on Tuesday discarded its
one-size-fits-all food pyramid in favor of 12 different triangle-shaped
guides, each geared to people's differing lifestyles and nutritional needs.
Agriculture Secretary
Mike
Johanns
called it "a
system of information to help consumers understand how to put nutrition
recommendations into action."

He said that knowledge about nutrition and food
consumption patterns has grown significantly in the past dozen years and is
reflected in the new food guidance symbols.
We have it on good word here at the Shovel that
Kirsty Allie was issued her own pyramid chart, which featured every color in
the prisms of colors, including a few that could only be seen by the
unbelievably fat-in-the-ass!
Crayon thought about including those colors but
came to the conclusion that they would most likely be the first crayons to
be eaten.
"If we don't change these trends, our children may
be the first generation that cannot look forward to a longer life span than
their parents," said Eric Bost, the Agriculture Department's under secretary
for food, nutrition and consumer services.
Hmmm...A generation not looking forward to a longer
life span. That sounds like good news to the Democrats who are opposing
welfare reform. Tax, tax, tax - they are going to die anyway.
The Welfare problem solved through Crayon
consumption. That sounds like you typical Democrat plan!

It's not easy living on Dork Street
"I had a resume kicked back because
someone thought I was kidding," said Saucedo, who has lived on the street in
this suburb about a dozen miles southeast of downtown Los Angeles for eight
years.

Ester Avetisian, who moved there 18
years ago, said she might have thought twice if there had been a sign in
those days marking the road tucked into what is still a semi-rural section
of town where people keep goats and chickens in their back yards.
"I didn't know the name until my
husband and I were signing (mortgage) papers," Avetisian recalled. "I was
pretty shocked when I found out."
I might have
thought twice at the sight of the goats and chickens.
Still, most residents have learned
to grin and bear the jokes.
"It's pretty funny," said Clyde
Parra, who has lived on Dork Street for eight years. "When I go to cash a
check at the store, people ask me if I'm a dork."
He lies and says no
he isn't, but I hear that rich nerds all across the fruited plains are suing
to get the street name.
Officials say there is no record at
City Hall explaining how the street got its distinctive moniker, but
residents believe it was named after someone called Dork.
The street name first appeared
on a Los Angeles County tract map in 1936. So, we can rule out the street
being named after Paulie Shore. I hear that Easy Street was named after
Madonna - even before she was born. But I don't have the time to put into
the research on that right now. I will look into it and let you go. Same for
Lard Parkway and Michael Moore.

Lance Armstrong Will Quit After
2005 Tour De France
Six-times Tour de France winner Lance
Armstrong said on Monday he would retire after this year's race in July but
added he was determined to secure the title one last time.
The 33-year-old American,
addressing a news conference, said: "I have thought a lot about it, I have
gone back and forth."
So, he has finally
decided to take his ball and just go home.

Armstrong, who rides for the
Discovery Channel team and who came back from being diagnosed with cancer in
1996 to win a record six Tour de France titles between 1999 and 2004, added:
"My time has come, there are many many other things I need to do in life but
I will definitely have the itch every now and again."
I'll assume that
will only be half the itch of your average man.
Upon hearing this
news, France surrendered; claiming that they couldn't even compete with
people who had no intentions of competing with them.

North Korea
Vows to Increase Nuclear Deterrent
North Korea’s deputy leader said
today that his communist nation will increase its nuclear deterrent to
defend itself against alleged US threats of invasion.
“We will continue increasing our
self-defensive nuclear deterrent against the enemies’ policy to isolate and
stifle the republic,” Kim Yong Nam, head of the North’s legislature, told a
national meeting commemorating tomorrow’s anniversary of the birth of its
founding president, Kim Il Sung.
“If the US imperialists recklessly set the
fire of war on the Korean Peninsula despite our repeated warnings ... we
will mercilessly and completely destroy the invaders so they won’t live
again,” Kim was quoted as saying by the North’s official Korean Central News
Agency.
Do you hear that
Jane? Hello!!??
Maybe she missed
that little fact while she was out pimping her new book - "My Life as Life
as a Skanky, Slut, Traitor, Whore, Tramp, Scumbag" or something like that. I
forget the exact title. "Ramblings of a Commi slut Skank Bag" I don't know.
If she were serious about here contrition, and
sorrow, she would donate all the profits from this book to the USO or a
Vietnam Veterans fund. But she won't, because she is a howling skank. WHAP!
WHAP! WHAP!! BITCH!

Friday, 15, 2005
HAPPY TAX DAY,
SHOVELERS! GRIP AND BEAR IT!!
WHAP!
Tornado Uncovers Pot Operation
in Florida
Cost of house:
$150,000
Cost of tornado
insurance on house: $1,000
Cost of tornado
ripping the roof off the house and exposing your indoor marijuana farm:
PRICELESS!
A tornado that
ripped through Geoffrey Crook's home didn't just tear away his roof.
Authorities say it exposed his elaborate marijuana-growing operation.
Crook, 41, was charged Tuesday with possession and
manufacturing of cannabis after police officers served him with an arrest
warrant at his job. He was released on $1,000 bond Tuesday night.

This guy had it all - lamps, hydroponic equipment
and he even kept log books. What a freak. He must have been smoking most of
what he was growing. I would love to see one of those log books entries.....
"Captains log - Doobie date, some time around noon:
rolled a hooter from plant number three in the corner. Ate 10 Twinkies
covered in A-1 sauce while watching what I thought was a documentary on
obesity on the Learning Channel. It turned out to be reruns of Rosanne
Barr's TV show on Comedy Central."
They found fifty-four marijuana plants neatly
arranged in the master bedroom had a street value of about $8,000,
authorities said.
I have it on good word that Willie Nelson is
begging to do a relief/benefit concert for this victim. Errr.... I
mean the victims.

Expedia
adds warning to directions for often-risky road
An
Internet travel company that drew fire for steering motorists down a
sometimes-hazardous dirt road in southern Utah has changed its Web site to
warn drivers about the possible perils.
I wonder
if one of those warnings will be - "Warning, Billy Joel often drives down
this road." ?
The Kane
County Sheriff's Office complained last month that some travelers going from
Phoenix to Salt Lake City were following Expedia.com's directions and
getting stuck on Cottonwood Road in the Grand Staircase-Escalante National
Monument. Soggy weather can turn the remote, rugged
road into a quagmire of
butter-thick mud, so deputies posted signs proclaiming the
road closed. But some motorists ignored the signs
and heeded Expedia's directions instead.
Ignored
the signs? Who gave these idiots drivers licenses? It is their own damn
fault! I don't think that companies should have to go out of their way
to insure the safety of idiots. They would go broke if they tried to!
Now the
company has added this warning about Cottonwood Road to its Web site: "Road
may be closed or hazardous due to seasonal conditions."
Hopefully, MapQuest
follow instep and start issuing warnings on their maps, such as: "These
directions stand a chance of being totally and completely wrong."
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