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Thursday, 31, 2006
MIRACLE IS SUNK
A PRIEST
has died after trying to demonstrate how Jesus walked on water.
Evangelist
preacher Franck Kabele, 35, told his congregation he could
repeat the biblical miracle.
But he
drowned after walking out to sea from a beach in the capital
Libreville in Gabon, west Africa.
One
eyewitness said: "He told churchgoers he'd had a revelation that
if he had enough faith, he could walk on water like Jesus.
"He took
his congregation to the beach saying he would walk across the
Komo estuary, which takes 20 minutes by boat.
"He walked
into the water, which soon passed over his head and he never
came back."
Ummm....
wouldn't you turn back once the water covered your ankles and
then your knees - not mention your hips!!!??? Note to future
zealots.... if the water is chest high, that should be a big fat
sign that you aren't going to be able to walk on it!!
Could we
drop Pat Robertson in the middle of the ocean? Watch him do the"
I'm sinking, I'm drowning" two-step?"
Lake Havasu
City police looking for real-life Hamburglar
SHOVELLINE - LAKE HAVASU CITY, Ariz. Lake
Havasu City police are looking for a real-life Hamburglar.
A man
broke into a McDonald's early Sunday morning through a roof
vent.
Surveillance video shows the man turning on the grill, cooking
and eating a couple of burgers before fleeing.
Wimpy
was unavailable for comment, but let it be known that he will
gladly take questions Tuesday.
When he
fled, the burger bandit triggered a door alarm that a morning
shift manager heard when she pulled into work nearly two hours
later.
She
found a piece of drywall on the kitchen floor, and another
employee noticed the grill was greasy.
The
grill was greasy???!!!??? Damn, Sherlock! Duh!
I hear
that Mayor Mc Cheese takes kick backs, so we might have to start
looking at him.
Wednesday, 30, 2006
500-Pound Woman's Caretakers Charged With Neglect
A 500-pound
Chattanooga woman's caretakers are behind bars. Channel Three first told you
about fifty-two-year old Peggie Johnson last month when Channel Three help
highlight her need to install a larger door in her home. Now, Peggie's story
takes a sad turn. Johnson's husband and her daughter are in jail.
Police say Peggie's
husband and daughter were neglecting her by not feeding her or keeping her
clean. When those allegations came to light, police discovered an even more
disgusting twist.
Not feeding
her???!!!! She is 500 freaking pounds! I'd say one less nutter-butter
soufflé a day would be a good thing. How can you weigh 500 pounds and claim
that you aren't being fed??!!???
If my wife hit 200
pounds I would lock her in the basement and feed her crackers and water
until she was as emaciated as your typical super model! Sorry, anyway ---
read on at your own risk..... it gets much worse.
"No, I don't want
to be neglected, I don't want to be sitting in my own urine, my own waste,"
Johnson said. At more than five-hundred pounds, Peggie Johnson relies on
family and friends to care for her. "Charles and Mary both was doing it, but
then they got arrested last night and I got nobody now, I'm just stuck
here," she said.
Peggie says taking
care of her can be a lot of work and her husband Charles, and daughter Mary
may have just had enough. "I wish Charles wasn't in there, I wish Charles
could come back and do like he's supposed to and help me get out of this bed
like he promised and be here for me and help me," she said.
Charles Johnson and
Mary Alice Nichols are charged with willful abuse, neglect and exploitation
of an adult. "I depended on him a whole lot and no I don't want him in jail
and I depended on him and I hate to know what happen, but the officer said
he just wasn't going to keep letting it go on and on and on," Johnson said.
On top of the
neglect, the two are charged with incest for apparently having sex, Peggie
says that's the most painful part. "It's just sad and it hurts so bad for
what's happened and what's been going on, and I really don't know the words
to say," she said.
Now, the news of
the arrests, put a damper on Peggie's hopes for a new life. "I was so happy
when my new door went in and Charles even helped work on the door and
everything, and so I could have a new life and I could go out and do things
and we can go places and that, and now this," she said.
Wow, what a command
this whale has of the English language.
This story is just
proof that no matter how bad you screw up, chances are someone out there has
"done out done ya'!".
Lets all go clean
the vomit off of our keyboards and meet back here tomorrow. WHAP!!
Johnson and Nichols
will both be in a Hamilton County court on Friday facing their two charges.
If you're wondering what classifies incest, Tennessee state law says
step-parents and even adopted.
Tuesday, 29, 2006
A fundraiser in the buff
The Caliente nudist
resort hosts the American Cancer Society's first-ever nude Relay For Life.
Event T-shirts were optional for participants.
SHOVELLINE -
LAND O'LAKES -
Some folks marched about in
nothing but a T-shirt.
A topless woman
charged $5 for a smooch at the kissing booth. Another topless woman coated
her breasts with red and silver fabric paint, then blotted them onto a
T-shirt for sale.
"Our goal here is
to start forming teams now, so come April, we can have a full-blown event,"
said Caliente social director Brenna Barry.
A FULL-BLOWN event?
Not a very good choice of words for this, I'd say.
Anyway, the problem
with nudist is that they are usually the last people that you would actually
LIKE TO SEE NAKED!!!!
One the other hand,
the quickest way to get a guy to hand over all of his money is to flash a
bare set of yam-bags in his face!
God bless them for
the idea, but where are the people going to keep their wallets and purses??
YIKES!!!!! Bad visual, don't answer that.
LEX 18 officials shocked by Emmy
Awards’ plane-crash spoof intro
LEX 18
News ended an evening recap of yesterday’s coverage of the
Comair Flight 5191 crash for the live broadcast of the
prime-time Emmy Awards. The annual TV awards show opened
with shots of host Conan O’Brien bouncing inside a plane
before it crashed on an island in a spoof of ABC’s hit show
Lost.
WLEX’s
president and general manager, Tim Gilbert, who was home
watching the telecast with his family, was “stunned” by the
intro; if station managers had known about the intro before
the broadcast, Lexington viewers wouldn’t have seen it, he
said.
“It
was a live telecast — we were completely helpless,” Gilbert
said of the Emmys. “By the time we began to react, it was
over. At the station, we were as horrified as they were at
home.”
Oh,
PLEASE!!! Shut up!! Hypersensitive freaks are really
starting to annoy the hell out of me! If these people were
actually horrified, they should all go buy a big pitcher of
Jim Jones Kool-Aid and start doing shots! This Gilbert guy,
<who spells his name with only one M, because he is only
half a man> is a pandering piece of mealy crap!
He
is lying. He watched it and thought nothing of it until some
liberal, whining, bedwetting reporter <who he hired!> called
him and asked for a response. Personally, I would have said,
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!"
Stick this story in your "load of crap" file. The press are
functional retards. They will claim to have problems with a
skit that had nothing to do with this crash, but it won't
bother them at all if SNL does a skit about the crash.
MORONS!!!
Inmate Hides Handcuff Key Inside
His Body
The Douglas County
Sheriff's Department said they've caught a convicted rapist in the middle of
a plan to escape from jail.
They said Damon
Fitzgerald, 29, managed to obtain a handcuff key about 30 days ago.
He apparently got
in a fight with an officer and managed to get the officer's key ring and
then barricaded himself inside his cell. Officers said Fitzgerald broke
apart the key ring and scattered the keys around the cell. By the time they
came in and searched, one key was missing.
Lieutenants said
for an entire month Fitzgerald kept the key wrapped up in a plastic bag
hidden inside his rectum.
Richard Gere was
not impressed and said, "Pass the duct tape.".
Monday, 28, 2006
Man receives four
years for necrophilia
Bill Clinton says, "Thank God that Hillary never wanted sex."
Parker Ward had no answers for why he had sex with the corpse of a woman he
found dead inside a camper home.
In a
hearing Wednesday in Forsyth County Superior Court, Ward paused before
acknowledging to Judge Jeffrey Bagley that he had committed necrophilia.
Bagley
sentenced Ward, 54, to four years in prison to be followed by four years of
probation, a sentence recommended by District Attorney Penny Penn.
Necrophilia, one of the rarest felony crimes in Georgia, carries a maximum
sentence of 10 years.
Rarest felony crime? Why did he feel the need to point that out? I'm sorry,
Shovelers, read on if you want - but I will say right now that there is no
plausible reason that anyone involved in this incident should still be
breathing our precious air! WHAP!!
Asked
by Bagley what happened on that night of Dec. 27, Ward began by saying he
was "pretty much drunk" that night, having had about six rum drinks.
He
said the 43-year-old woman's boyfriend asked him to check on her at her
camper in the 2300 block of Canton Highway
Getting no answer, Ward called the boyfriend, who told him to break down the
door. Inside, Ward found the woman lying in bed unresponsive. Several empty
prescription pill bottles were nearby.
"I
checked her pulse, then tried to give her mouth to mouth," Ward told the
judge.
"I
knew it was kind of wrong," Ward said before admitting under further
questioning that he had sex with the corpse, then called 911.
"Kind
of wrong" !?????" WHAP!!! Freak!! Why not say, "I just imagined that it was
my sister, ya know.... all passed out and stuff."
The death of the woman, whose name is not being
disclosed because of the nature of the crime, was ruled an accidental drug
overdose.
Her name isn't
being disclosed??
They just gave her
address!!!! Damn! The media...... never mind! They suck!
Authorities estimate she had been dead for about four
hours. Her body was cold and rigor mortis had set in, authorities said.
Penn
said sheriff's officials suspected her body had been tampered with.
Confronted about it, Ward later confessed to investigators, she said.
After the hearing, Penn said she was skeptical of
Ward's claim of being drunk and that it did nothing to excuse his acts. "No
one can be that drunk," she said.
I agree, guys can
get drunk enough to mount anything WITH a pulse. Tom Arnold is proof of
that! I repeat, WITH A PULSE!!!
BUT!!!! There isn't
enough alcohol on the planet to make us see the 'come hither' look in the
cloudy, unmoving, gaze of a blue-faced carcass. Sorry.
Bob Marley, dreads and all,
graces coins in Jamaica
Bob
Marley's records long ago went platinum.
Now
the Bank of Jamaica is releasing commemorative coins in gold
and silver with the late reggae superstar's dreadlocked
likeness.
The
1,000 coins, produced by the British Royal Mint, are being
sold for $100 each, bank spokeswoman Jacqueline Morgan said
Wednesday.
For
that amount, Bob would have shot the Sheriff and the Deputy!
``We've received quite a bit of interest already,'' Morgan
said.
Though the coins were intended to mark the 60th anniversary
of Marley's birth, which was celebrated in 2005, the bank is
just now offering them for sale, said Morgan, who didn't
offer a further explanation.
It
is the second time the Bank of Jamaica has issued coins
bearing Marley's likeness. ``The coins to commemorate his
50th birthday have totally sold out,'' Morgan said.
Sold out? Totally? No way! Dude, put a skin on one!
Born in Jamaica's rural St. Ann Parish, Marley rose from the
gritty shantytowns of Kingston to global stardom in the
1970s with hits such as ``No Woman No Cry'' and ``I Shot the
Sheriff.'' His lyrics promoting ``one love'' and social
revolution made him an icon in developing countries
worldwide.
And, ruined trips to Jamaica for the rest of us. I can't go
down there because I hate his music. Timm in Jamaica +
Marley music 24/7 ='s Shovel beatings to everyone
within swinging distance!!!!!! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!
Elton John vows to make hip hop
record
I can't wait to NOT
add this to my CD collection!
After 40 years of
performing rock music, pop ballads and movie soundtracks, Elton John is
looking to cross over to yet another musical genre -- hip hop.
"I want to bring my
songs and melodies to hip hop beats -- a bit like 'No Diggity' by
Blackstreet,'" John said in excerpts of an interview posted on Rolling
Stone's Web site on Friday.
Did you guys know
that he was the first white dude to appear on Soul Train? Useless knowledge,
but it might win you a free beer on trivia night.
John told the music
magazine he would like to work with producer Dr. Dre and a variety of
artists, although he had yet to contact them.
"I want to work
with Pharrell (Williams), Timbaland, Snoop (Dogg), Kanye (West), Eminem and
just see what happens. It may be a disaster, it could be fantastic, but you
don't know until you try," he said.
What will his
rap name be? The best submission will get a free
SHOVEL t-shirt.
I'm going to go
ahead and rule out E-Jo, Poop-chute Masta J, Sir Suck Alot, and El Rocket
Man.
The good side of
this might be that kids finally realize that hip hop is complete crap! They
might actually start learning how to play a musical instrument.
I hate hip
hop rap. It is violent - I hate the world - hedonistic rhymes shouted by
completely untalented people who think it is cool to put gold caps on their
teeth and wiggle around like they are having an epileptic fit!
Dam comment gets terror scrutiny
from FBI
LIBERALS GONE
WILD!!!
SHOVELLINE - ST. LOUIS -
Jim Bensman
thought his suggestion during a public hearing was harmless enough: Instead
of building a channel so migratory fish could go around a dam on the
Mississippi River, just get rid of the dam.
Instead, the
environmental activist found himself in hot water, drawing FBI scrutiny to
see whether he had any terrorist intentions.
An environmentalist
caught in hot water? Damn that global warming!!! Damn George Bush, it is all
his fault!
It all started on
July 25 in Alton, Ill., when the Army Corps of Engineers invited public
discussion about options for improving fish movement at the nearby Melvin
Price Locks and Dam, considered a major impediment to roughly three dozen
species that migrate upstream.
What the f**k ever!
The only fish migration that we need to worry about is their migration from
a garlic butter sauté to a nice bed of rice pilaf on my dinner plate.
Yummy!!! WHAP!!!
During the 90-minute hearing that included on the
agenda whether to build a fish channel, Bensman
says, he reiterated he’s no fan of dams, contending
they’re environmentally destructive and amount to
billions of dollars in corporate welfare for boating
interests.
Very poorly written sentence. Go back to skool, ya
stupid lib!
Sorry, anyway.....
"corporate welfare for boating
interests" .........
This guy should be beat to death with a shovel for
that statement alone! This is your typical lib.....
he wants companies to come to his city and open
businesses that will provide jobs for the people in
the community, yet- if they are given any incentives
to do that, he calls it "corporate welfare."
Idiot!
Libs not only want to 'have their cake and eat it
too', they also want someone to wipe their chins
when they are done chowing down!! DAMN!!! WHAP!!
He urged that the
dam be torn out. He said he never mentioned blowing the dam up, though the
corps’ presentation of possible options included a picture of a dam being
dynamited.
The next day,
however, a local newspaper reported that Bensman “said he would like to see
the dam blown up and resents paying taxes to fix dam problems when it is
barge companies that profit from the dam.”
Workers at the
corps’ St. Louis office “took a dim view (of the article) and questioned if
it was a potential threat,” and a security manager forwarded the clipping to
the FBI, said corps spokesman Alan Dooley.
Libs attacking Libs
-- I love it!!! They can't get out of their own way.
All environmentalist are a threat to our way of life. They need shovels
slammed against their domes!!
“To think I’m a terrorist is utterly ridiculous,”
Bensman, 46, said from his home in Alton, just north
of St. Louis. “How could any reasonable person think
a terrorist is going to come to a public meeting
held by the Army Corps, let them know who they are
and announce their terror plot? It just doesn’t make
sense to me.”
ummmm..... hey, jackass!!!!! Clue for you... 1- the
press and government employees aren't reasonable
people. 2 -Terrorist announce their feelings and
intentions EVERY FREAKING DAY!!!!!!
They tell us who they are and what they intend to
do. But we do nothing about it because the same
idiots who wanted to have you questioned are the
same freaks that would call it profiling if you
happened to be really tan and had a ZZ-Top beard
hanging off of your chin.
Your biggest mistake was being a cracker! To
question a camel jockey is "profiling" to question
your average honkey lipped American is good
detective work. Where is the logic in that? Whap!
Let me say this one last time..... 100% of the
animals that planned, and carried out, the 9/11
attacks were desert dwelling, al Qaeda, camel
humping, Allah worshiping FREAKS!
Iran Test-Fires Sub-To-Surface Missile
Iran test fired a new
submarine-to-surface missile during war games in the Persian Gulf on Sunday,
a show of military might amid a standoff with the West over its nuclear
activities. A brief video clip showed the long-range missile, called Thaqeb,
or Saturn,
--
or DUD, or BIG ASS BOTTLE ROCKET ---
exiting the water and
hitting a target on the water's surface within less than a mile. The test
came as part of large-scale military exercises that began Aug. 19.
"The army successfully
test fired a top speed long-range sub-to-surface missile off the Persian
Gulf," the navy commander, Gen. Sajjad Kouchaki, said on state-run
television.
Top speed long-range??
What ever! This whack job is comparing B.B.'s to bullets! Why haven't we
leveled this place?? Oh...sorry - I forgot about the political correctness
factor. WHAP!!
Iran routinely has
held war games over the past two decades to improve its combat readiness and
to test equipment including missiles, tanks and armored personnel carriers.
But Sunday's firing of
the missile came as Iran remains defiant just five days before a deadline
imposed by the U.N. Security Council for Tehran to suspend the enrichment of
uranium, which can produce both reactor fuel and material usable in nuclear
warheads.
Iran said last week it
is open to negotiations but it refused any immediate suspension, calling the
deadline illegal.
A terrorist nation
ignoring U.N. deadlines..... imagine that -- it only happens..... ummm.....
like... EVERY FREAKING DAY!
The U.N. is one big
EXPENSIVE joke. The U.N. needs to be dealt a big fat F.U. !!! Offer them a
deadline of dissolving or being dissolved. And by dissolving, I am talking
about dumping 200 gallons of hydrochloric acid on them!
Anyway, Iran is next -
and it won't be handled with the half-assed, politically correct, bulls**t,
gloves that the rest of this war has been.
Well, that is unless a
Democrat is elected President.
If that happens we
will be attacked unmercifully and the president will declare a weekly day of
"National Weeping". WHAP!!WHAP!! WHAP!!! Bomb these son's of bitches until
they have no where to run. Up yours Allah!!
Friday, 25, 2006
Air Marshal Dress Code Changed
Grab your shovels,
take a deep breath and prepare to laugh for a second. Then prepare for
feelings of disbelief, anger, and helplessness as it sinks in that these
jackasses are in charge of our nations security.
Air marshals were
told Thursday they will be allowed to dress the way they want and choose
their own hotels in order to protect their anonymity while on missions.
Federal Air Marshal
Service chief Dana Brown, who has been in the job for five months, said he
was changing the rules, starting Sept. 1, after listening to air marshals'
concerns.
In a memo to the
air marshals, Brown said the dress code was changed to ``allow you to blend
in and not direct attention to yourself, as well as be sufficiently
functional to enable you to conduct your law enforcement responsibilities."
Air marshals had
complained that Brown's predecessor, Thomas Quinn, insisted on a too-formal
dress code that allowed people to pick them out. The marshals said, for
example, that being forced to wear a jacket and collared shirt made them
stand out on flights to Hawaii.
Well, DUH!! Thank
GOD, the Secret Service and the CIA were were up and running long before
today's politicians came along. Could you imagine what those agencies would
look like if today's "reelection at any price" politicians were in charge of
agreeing to, and confirming, the way those agencies would conduct
themselves?
My bet is that the
word "undercover" would be considered fascist, racist, sexist, evil and it
would be known as the "U" word! Agents would be walking around with an AGENT
nametag pinned to their lapel.
And, if they wanted
to question a suspect they would have to submit triplicate forms of
triplicate forms detailing what they intended to ask. That would then have
to be voted on in committee. Then a blue ribbon commission would be
appointed to investigate the reason behind the questions.
While that was
going on, the suspect would carry out his plot. This would lead to the
appointment of a second blue ribbon committee whose job would be to figure
out why the first committee didn't act to prevent the secret plot the day
that the agent reported it to them! WHAP! WHAP!!!
In turn this would
lead to a third blue ribbon committee whose job would be to drag out
deliberations about this failed policy until the next, even more egregious,
finger pointing act of idiocy came along.
Air marshals also
won an agreement from Brown to let them choose their own hotels ``within
economic and related guidelines'' to help keep their identities secret.
A recent report to
Congress found that the Sheraton Fort Lauderdale Airport Hotel in Florida
had designated the Federal Air Marshal Service ``company of the month''
because of the number of rooms it had reserved at the hotel.
The manager of that
Sheraton should be beat with a shovel and forced to lick the seats of every
toilet in that building! What a moron!
Anyway, one of the
Democrats mantras in the upcoming election will be, 'do you feel safer?'
Answer. No! And it
has nothing to do with this administration. It has to do with both parties.
How are we supposed to feel safer, or better, about anything when 90% of the
elected officials have to ruminate for years over the blatantly obvious
before they are finally able to comprehend it enough to take any kind of
action.
Exotic dancers banned from
performing at funerals in China
Bill Clinton emphatically said, "THAT IS IT!!
China's human rights violations have now gone
too far! Mobilize the troops! We cannot ignore
this!!! ummmm... Oh, never mind I ain't
president any more."
A striptease show is not what most mourners
would expect at a funeral. But the more people
that come to a funeral in China, the better the
deceased is likely to fare in the afterlife,
which is why some families have taken to hiring
exotic dancers to keep attendance figures high.
Here in the south we do that by providing
copious amounts of potato salad and a zillion
different kinds of homemade cakes.
...... striptease
had also become a popular way of luring more people to funerals. Wealthy
families will often employ two dance troupes.
Sounds like they
have adopted an age-old Kennedy tradition.
See you guys Monday! SHOVEL ON!!!!!!
Thursday, 24, 2006
Former Marine takes down man
after clerk is hit
A man who had just
been released from jail was sent right back Monday after police say he
picked the wrong store to attempt a robbery.
Just released
from prison and goes straight out and commits a robbery?? Apparently this
guy wasn't subjected to enough "unwanted, painful, rear entry" ceremonies.
The 30-year-old man
was in line at a 7-Eleven, 2175 E. 9400 South, just before 8 p.m. When he
got to the counter he asked the female clerk for a carton of cigarettes,
said Sandy Police Sgt. Victor Quezada. But after he received them he walked
out without paying, Quezada said. The clerk told another female clerk
who followed him outside the doors and told him to stop.
Instead, the man turned around and punched the clerk in the face, Quezada
said.
James Sjostrom was
standing in line right behind the man who took the cigarettes and saw the
entire thing unfold.
"He just turned and
clocked her," Sjostrom said. "He pounded her face. It was pretty vicious."
That's when
Sjostrom went after the man who assaulted the store clerk.
As he went outside,
Sjostrom said he saw the man standing over the clerk, who was kneeling over
on the ground, as if he were going to punch her again. When the man saw
Sjostrom coming at him, he took a swing at him, too.
But the attacker
quickly found out he was no match for the bulky Sjostrom.
Sjostrom is a
former Marine who taught hand-to-hand combat and currently teaches a course
on Russian kettlebells, or the martial art of strength training, at the
Sports Mall in Murray.
"I grabbed him,
threw him on the ground, put his hands behind his back, sat on him and
waited for the cops to come," Sjostrom said.
Me thinks
this guy is just being modest. He probably SLAMMED the guy to the ground so
hard that his head left a dent in the cement!
Note to stupid
criminals. If you notice this guy standing behind you in line
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
..... you
might want to wait and commit your crime at a later date.
In just a matter of
a few seconds Sjostrom had the man pinned. When the man realized he had no
chance, Sjostrom said he became "pretty quiet."
Probably because he
was focusing all of his energy on trying to regain control of his sphincter!
Anybody would have done the same thing," he said. "Another guy in the store
said he was in the Army and asked if I needed any help."
With a grin,
Sjostrom replied to the man, "The Marines got here first."
HAHAHAAA!!!
HOORAH!!!
John
Murtha
saw this story and said,
"The marine made an unprovoked, preemptive strike by stepping out of that
store. That clerk never asked for a Good Samaritan to invade her 7-Eleven.
What did he accomplish, other than trashing the credibility of good doers? I
ask, do clerks feel safer now? This is an unwinnable prospect.
He should have
waited until she asked for help before rushing, unilaterally into this. And
he should have waited until there were more Marines on the ground.
The continued
presence of Good Samaritans in America is uniting the criminals against us.
We can't win this on the ground. We can't end this with a show of strength.
We must change course and instead focus our efforts on winning hearts and
minds."
John Kerry, who
served in Vietnam, said,
"I. would have taken
the moral high ground and reached out and sought multilateral diplomacy to
bring an end to this aggression. This unilateral response has cost all
Samaritan-Americans to lose the respect of criminals not only in this
country, but all across the world.
These unrestrained
acts of consideration are the results of Bush policy. This sort of thing
wouldn't be happ | 
