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Friday, 10, 2007
Thirst kills 1,300 sheep on
Croatia island
Authorities said Thursday they will remove as soon as
possible the carcasses of 1,300 sheep that died of thirst on Croatia’s
central Adriatic Murter Island.
Branka Gulin, veterinary inspector of Sibenik County
on the central Adriatic coast, said preparations were under way to transfer
the carcasses from the Kornati Archipelago, outside the port city of Zadar,
to an inland site where they will be destroyed, the Croatian news agency
HINA said.
Gulin said transport of the carcasses should begin by
Sunday.
Many will be shipped to Alabama and sold on the
Necrophiliac black market.
It is saaaaad what happened to these Croatian wool
balls, but it is nothing compared to the millions of Polish fish that die of
thirst every year.
Texas Parents Sue Governor,
School District Over Moment of Silence
A Texas family is suing Gov.
Rick Perry
and a school district over a state-mandated moment of
silence in schools, according to The Dallas Morning News.
David
Wallace Croft
and his wife, Shannon, of Carrollton,
Texas,
have three children at Rosemeade Elementary and argue that
the moment of silence is unconstitutional and amounts to
state-sanctioned school prayer.
This David Croft and his wife need to be beat to death with
a shovel! Can we have a moment of silence for media whores?
These two idiots need to be fitted with mercurochrome, and
acid, coated ball gags!
This is a moment of silence. Just a moment of silence, where
kids can do whatever they want to do. Pray, doodle, daydream
about Harry Potter, or in the case of the Croft kids - sit
and psychically receive their
Satanic marching orders from Beelzebub himself.
I
wonder what the Croft's would say if the school held a
moment of silence after one of their kids died in an
automobile accident? Surely there would be prayers in that
moment. Would they sue over that? Who knows? Maybe the
heathens would.
This country is loosing it. You can't show the 10
Commandments, you can't have a manger scene, a menorah or
show anything else that might represent a religious faith.
That will not be tolerated.
But, if it is something that has to do with the radical
Islamic Muslim religion, we will bend over backwards -
twice! "We must learn to be tolerant!" WHAP!
WHAP! WHAP!!!!!!!!!!!
We
need a moment of loud angry outrage!
Thursday, 09,
2007
Lawsuit of the Day: Greer v.
1-800-Flowers
If you're a
married man planning on sending flowers to your mistress, we have a tip for
you: do NOT use
1-800-FLOWERS
(as if you needed to be told).
Breach of contract action in which the defendants agreed
to keep the plaintiff's order of flowers for his
girlfriend private, with no record of the transaction
mailed to him at his home or office.
Months later, the defendants sent a thank you card to
the plaintiff's home, and his wife called the defendants
for proof of the purchase. The defendants faxed the
plaintiff's wife proof of his order of flowers for his
girlfriend, which resulted in a divorce being filed.
Doesn't this idiot know that if he is going to cheat he
stands a good chance of being caught by "contracting"
FTD's?
I
hope the judge slaps him in the face with a shovel!
WHAP!
'This Baby's
name is not 4real', couple told
A couple has got
over the disappointment of having their choice of 4Real as the name for
their baby son turned down by calling him Superman instead.
Pat and Sheena
Wheaton were told by the government registry in New Zealand they could not
register the name because it included a digit.
Huh? How do they
deal with Pat the 3rd or 4th?
Seems to me like
the pretentious government is using its power to insert a digit into the
hind section of every citizen who.... never mind.
Mr Wheato n
said he came up with the unlikely moniker after seeing the baby for the
first time in an ultrasound scan and realizing their baby was "for real".
However, the family
has refused to let the law or good taste get in the way of their choice,
insisting they will continue to refer to their two-month-old son as 4Real.
We wouldn't have
problems with kids names if we would just test people before allowing them
to breed.
In the meantime
they plan to officially name him Superman.
That is just great.
You guys have just insured that your kid will get the crap kicked out of him
everyday on the playground.
Think about it...
what kid isn't going to want to run around claiming, "I just beat up
Superman!"
Whap!!
Wednesday, 08,
2007
'Sun-gazers' praise rays
When the sun pops above the tree line in Berkshire
Manor, few folks seem to notice.
The blinds are still closed in many of the two-story
houses. And the Alpharetta neighborhood holds onto the
last quiet that precedes the morning commute.
But one man is watching. Closely.
Barefoot and bug-eyed, Paulus Bommarito stands on a sand
path he built in his backyard just for these occasions.
I
wonder if the path was built by a silicone sister with a
manager mister?
Bommarito, who manages
his own graphic design firm, presses his palms together in front of his
chest, as if in prayer. "It's not a worship," he says, a Hawaiian shirt and
blue shorts hanging loosely from his slim frame. "It's a reverence for what
the sun does. It gives us our life. It gives us light – everything."
WHACK JOB!
Bommarito, 58, is part
of a small but growing group of sun-gazers in metro Atlanta. They are
disciples of Hira Ratan Manek, a retired spice trader from India who says
staring at the sun improves mental and physical health. Called HRM by his
followers, Manek says he has rediscovered a practice used by many ancient
cultures, from Greeks to Native Americans.
"Mama always
told me not to look into the eye's of the sun
But mama, that's where the fun is....."
I hope that stupid
song sticks in your heads all day long!! heeheeheeheeehe
Strippers seeking names
Strip club dancers
covered Capitol Square today, gathering voter signatures to repeal a new
state ban on touching patrons. The law takes effect Sept. 4.
Dressed in pink
tops, dark slacks and high heels, the dancers even snagged support from two
state senators who voted for the new restrictions, including no nude or
semi-nude dancing after midnight, last spring: Sen. Eric Kearney, D-North
Avondale, and Sen. Steve Stivers, R-Upper Arlington.
Everyone has a
right to go to the ballot, both senators said after signing petitions at
Broad and Third streets.
“I’ll have to go
and see my constituents,’’ Kearney joked when he learned two dancers were
from the Deja Vu Showgirls strip club in Mount Carmel.
Pamela Ackerman,
24, of Cincinnati and Jennifer Shafer, 22, of Boone County, Ky., were
working Third and State streets, easily averaging a signature per minute.
Both dancers, who
are paying their way through community college, said the new restrictions
were hurt them financially.
"...said the new
restrictions were hurt them financially."
Let us hope
that their 'community' educations are better than this pud-whackers 'ivory'
education.
Dancers for
Democracy has collected more than 200,000 signatures, according to their
spokeswoman, Sandy Theis, and is now averaging 5,000 daily. They need to
collect 241,366 valid signatures from registered Ohio voters by Sept. 3 to
place the issue before voters on Nov. 6.
I think pretty much
all social issues should be put to a public vote. I think it
were
help keep those power hungry politicians in check..
Tuesday, 07,
2007
Latest poll shows growing
support for Iraq war policy
USA TODAY's Susan
Page reports that President Bush is making some headway in arguing that the
increase in U.S. troops in Iraq is showing military progress.
In the latest USA
TODAY/Gallup Poll, taken Friday through Sunday, the proportion of those who
said the additional troops are "making the situation better" rose to 31%
from 22% a month ago.
Those who said it
was "not making much difference" dropped to 41% from 51%.
In related news,
the mainstream media are looking for ways to continue to tie every death and
tragedy on the planet to the war on terrorism.
On the other hand,
Democrats are trying to figure out ways that they can take credit for the
success. WHAP!!!!!
No One Knows Why Family's Home
Torn Down
SHOVELLINE - NEW ORLEANS --
Jason Banks got his trash hauled away, obtained a building permit, gutted
his Ninth Ward home and was ready to renovate.
But then, the brick
house vanished, reduced to a slab in an unwanted demolition.
"I was heartbroken.
I was in tears. I was furious," he said.
The Federal
Emergency Management Agency said orders to tear down the house came from
City Hall -- but no one in City Hall is answering questions about Banks'
home.
Of course they
aren't. This is your government at work. Screwing things up without worrying
about any accountability. Truman is rolling in his grave as he sees
his "the buck stops here" policy being shredded like a cheap block of
cheddar cheese.
Jason Banks said he
kept his grass cut, paid his taxes and had the home appraised at $147,000.
He was just waiting on money from Louisiana Road Home rebuilding program to
make repairs to his house.
"It's very
depressing to lose everything," Lisa Banks said. "This was my house. This is
where all my children were conceived, raised and whatever."
"....conceived,
raised and whatever." ???
...and whatever..... There is a
candidate for mother of the year. Sad.
Prosecutor accused of having sex
with a defendant's mom
Lewis County
Prosecutor Michael Golden has been accused in court papers of using a sexual
relationship to get information about a case.
Centralia-Chehalis radio station KITI reports that Golden had a sexual
relationship with the mother of a teenager accused of arson and allegedly
pressured the woman to disclose the defense strategy.
"Does it make
you hot when I touch you here? Hot like the house that your son torched?
Talk to me like a 'nasty dog.'"
Golden acknowledged to the station that he had a relationship with the woman
but ended it when the boy was arrested. Golden says he directed deputy
prosecutors not to give the boy special treatment. He denies any misconduct.
He claims that he
was just showing her the state's
penile codes!
Monday, 06, 2007
Sheep baa'd in sex case
A MAN who was accused of having sex with a sheep
has walked free because the animal was unable to
testify.
The man, from Haaksbergen, near Utrecht in the
Netherlands, was reported to police after a farmer
caught him having sex with a sheep.
But the case was thrown out of court as the sheep
couldn't take to the stand to testify that it didn't
want to have sex and had suffered emotional stress.
Under Dutch law, bestiality is not a crime unless it
can be proved the animal didn't want to have sex.
Huh? What kind of an inane law is that? And if they
have a law like that, why wasn't Dr. Dolittle
brought in to translate the sheep's side of the
story?
The man claimed that the sheep wanted it baaaaaaaad
and that the sheep couldn't be trusted in court,
because they are notorious for trying to pull the
wool over your eyes.
Sing with me guys......
Loving ewe
Is easy because you're beautiful....
Making love with ewe
Is all I want to do....
Loving ewe
Is more than just a dream come true....
And everything that I do
Is out of loving ewe....
la la la la la... la la la la...la
Drunk driver's breath test
frightens police
A
48-year-old Adelaide man has returned a blood alcohol level
seven times over the legal limit, prompting police concerns for
his health.
A
police spokesman said the man's car was stopped at suburban
Rosewater on Friday night where he blew 0.368.
Ted
Kennedy read this, burped, and mumbled, ".368? That is way to
much blood in my alcohol stream!! Then he disrobed and began
rubbing his genitals on a picture of Betty Ford.
"The
reading was in fact so high police took the man to the Queen
Elizabeth Hospital to have his condition checked by doctors,"
the spokesman said.
After
being cleared, the man was charged with drink driving, driving
an unregistered and uninsured vehicle and driving while
disqualified.
What is
'drink driving'?
I knew
a girl who blew a 6.5 once.
She
ended up getting off later.
ummmmm.....sorry!:)
heeheeee
Sydney police investigate
severed thumb mystery
Police are investigating how a man's thumb was severed
with a sword at Ashfield, in Sydney's inner-west,
overnight.
The 28-year-old was taken to Sydney Hospital for
emergency re-attachment surgery.
Police say they have set up a crime scene outside a pub
where the man was found, and also at a nearby apartment
complex where it is believed the incident occurred.
Police have been told that the man had been practicing
martial arts when his thumb was sliced off.
His doctor said, as a rule of thumb - he should lay off
booze and hitchhiking for a while.
Darwin punched the wall, screaming, "I missed again!"
Friday, 03, 2007
Self-service economy arrives
gradually
At airports,
supermarkets and big-box retailers, "customer service" in recent years has
meant self-serve — aided by touch-screen kiosks.
As digital kiosks
become more user-friendly and capable of handling more complicated tasks,
health care providers, fast-food chains and other businesses say trading
face-to-face encounters for face-to-monitor transactions improves service
and saves money.
Yet the complexity
of human decision-making and service expectations in different industries
means any possible self-serve revolution is more likely to be a gradual
transition.
It won't be gradual
if the Democrats keep demanding, and getting, minimum wage increases. Those
increases will only hasten the development of self service. Of course, when
that happens the Dem's will then turn around start complaining about
unemployment. Whap!! Democrats SUCK!
I love
self-checkout. Go in, get your stuff - scan it, bag it and be on your way
without having to deal with anyone. That is as long as I don't get stuck
behind some imbecile ass satchel, who has no idea what they are doing, and
are standing there poking at the kiosks like they ares playing
"Whack-a-Mole"!! Whap!!!
Anyway, the thought
of "self service" had to of been a mans idea. <if you know what I mean>
Spank, Spank, Spank, Spank, Spank.
First, Pants Man Loses Case.
Next, His Job
By the middle of
next week, Roy Pearson, the D.C. administrative law judge who sued his
neighborhood dry cleaners for $54 million and lost, will receive a letter
that starts the process of putting him out of a job.
City sources
tell me that a
marathon meeting
of the commission that reviews the performance of administrative law judges
(ALJs) ended last
night
with unanimous agreement to meet again next Monday to revise and finalize
the wording of a letter that will state the panel's doubts about granting
Pearson the 10-year
reappointment that
he has been seeking
throughout the
last months of his battle against Custom Cleaners and its owners, the Chung
family.
I hope this putz
ends up having to take a job as a floor cleaner in a peep show booth.
Within the
commission, the discussion about Pearson's future has focused on when and
whether it is right to measure a judge's performance by his behavior outside
the courtroom. The panel looked specifically at whether Pearson's
extraordinary zeal in pursuing the case against the Chungs was so frivolous
and embarrassing to the judicial system that it should be taken as evidence
of his lack of judicial temperament.
The commission
should also demand that Mister Smarty Pants pay back every cent that
the Chings had to spend to defend themselves. We need a 'looser pays' system
in our courts. If you file a mindless, frivolous lawsuits and lose - then
you should have to pay all of the defends attorney fees.
The people who file
frivolous suits should be beat with a shovel. The trial lawyers who take the
cases should be beat to DEATH with a shovel.
Up yours, John
Edwards. You, I primp like a girl, hump.
Today's - 'no sh*t' story, brought to
you by the
Insurance
Institute for Highway Safety.
Fender Benders Found To Cost
More In Luxury Cars
Buying an expensive
car can bring an owner style, prestige and repair bills in the thousands of
dollars to fix damage caused by minor fender-benders.
Wow!! I can't
believe that! Let me get this straight......If I wreck my Hummer, it will
cost me more to fix it then it would for a liberal who was driving a Pinto?
Imagine that?
In related
news...... it cost more to fix the damage when a tornado hits a country club
than it does when a tornado hits a trailer park.
See you guys back
here Monday!
Thursday, 02,
2007
Monkey Unlocks Pen, Eludes Zoo
Staff
The Tupelo Buffalo Park and Zoo asked residents
Tuesday to help in the recovery of a white-faced capuchin monkey that
apparently managed to unlock his pen and escape.
Oliver freed himself
at about 8 a.m. and led park staff on a chase through the park's trail
system before eventually eluding them.
Park employee Ann
Stewart said Oliver will respond to his own name and may take bait of
bananas, marshmallow or grapes.
Rosie O'Fat will take
the same bait, if it is slathered in Crisco, gravy and sugar butter.
She urged people to
call the park if they spot the mammal.
The monkey needs to be
spanked. Spank the monkey! Spank the monkey! Spank, spank, spank!! Spank the
monkey!
UT
study says lust is top sex motivator for men and women
I love it when we have money spent on these
studies into the blatantly obvious. In related news,
After exhaustively compiling a list of the 237
reasons why people have sex, researchers at the University of Texas at
Austin found that young men and women get intimate for mostly the same
motivations.
Paris Hilton saw this and said, "I could raise
that number by 500 reasons - if only I could count that high."
It's more about lust in the body than a love
connection in the heart.
College-age men and women agree on their top
reasons for having sex: They were attracted to the person, they wanted to
experience physical pleasure, and "it feels good," according to a
peer-reviewed study in the August edition of
Archives of Sexual Behavior.
Twenty of the top 25 reasons given for having sex were the same for men and
women.
Expressing love and showing affection were in the
top 10 for both men and women, but they did take a back seat to the clear
No. 1: "I was attracted to the person."
My main motivation was that sex was the only
known antidote to my "special" disease. At least that is what I told the
chicks. Most of them believed it.
Kid Nation
40 children, 40
days, no adults—eager to prove they can build a better world for tomorrow in
the new reality series KID NATION. Settling in Bonanza City, New Mexico,
once a thriving mining town but now deserted, these kids, ages 8 to 15 and
from all walks of life, will build their own new world, pioneer-style.
They will confront
grown-up issues while coping with the classic childhood emotions of
homesickness, peer pressure and the urge to break every rule. Episodes end
with a town meeting in which the kids award one child a gold star worth
$20,000, all leading to the grand finale, with an unimaginable test, the
biggest awards and a special surprise for every child.
Yet another
mindless "Reality TV" show. Thank you, CBS. Thank you for having such a lack
of talent and creativity. Every time you produce a new reality show, you are
just proving to the world that your ilk have run out of ideas. WHAP!
Ever heard of the
Lord of the Flies? It was a well written and imaginative tale - unlike 99%
of the mindless muck coming out of "Hollywood".
8 year olds? How
many labors laws is CBS breaking?
I hate reality TV!!!
Wednesday, 01,
2007
Man falls out of car while
trying to spit
A Pensacola man was
critically injured after he fell out of a vehicle while trying to spit.
Miguel Rogelio, 37,
was riding in a 2006 Lincoln on U.S. Highway 29 when he “quickly opened the
right front door” to spit, according to the Florida Highway Patrol.
Have you ever heard
of rolling down the window, you dumbass??!!??
When he did this he
fell out of the moving vehicle and onto the roadway, hitting his head.
The driver of the
car, Desiree C. Jamar, also of Pensacola, told the investigating trooper
that they had just left the Tom Thumb store near the West Roberts Road
intersection and that the car was traveling at about 45 miles per hour when
Rogelio fell out.
Right now, Darwin
is pacing in circles - mumbling to himself, "HOW DID I MISS THIS ONE????"
Man
allegedly admits to sexually molesting cows
A man caught in a
dairy barn just before midnight in late May was not only violating the
boundaries of the farmer’s property, but he admitted to police that he was
there sexually molesting the cows.
The judge asked,
"How
dairy take advantage of those poor cows?"
Fifty-six year old
Gregory Viens, of Fayston, pleaded no contest last week in Vermont District
Court to the misdemeanor charge of unlawful trespass and paid the court $601
in fines for his crime.
He pleaded guilty,
but insisted that he had been setup, because the cows were all singing -
"I'm in the mooooooooooood for love"
On May 29 Viens was
caught in the barn of the Scribner Farm on River Road in Moretown when a
farm employee, who had noticed Viens vehicle parked near the farm, went
around to the back of the barn and caught Viens in there.
Employees at the farm had suspected Viens of trespassing on the farm and
knew he had a history of sexually abusing cows, according to court
documents.
Viens was convicted of the same charge in 2000.
Why wasn't this
bovine pumping freak not locked up? That is
udderly
ridiculous!
Hmmmm...Well, now
that I think abut it - they didn't lock up Tom Arnold. Oh, sorry - different
issue there.
According to court
documents, Stephen Scribner, manager of the Scribner farm, told police he
suspected Viens had been trespassing and that Vien’s presence there made
farm employees uncomfortable.
Tuesday, 31, 2004
Clintons bash Bush in speeches
Ok, guys. This is just shovel licking delicious! Bill Clinton was speaking
to worshipers at an upper Manhattan church, criticizing President Bush's
administration on everything from the environment, to drug benefits, to tax
cuts for the wealthy, blah, blah, blah. Then he went off the deep end.
"Sometimes I think
our friends on the other side have become the people of the nine
commandments," he said, accusing Republicans of ignoring the truth.
Huh? Hello??!!??
What a joke! Lying, not being truthful? This from a guy who stated
emphatically that he "did not have sex with that woman." Hmmm... Let
us think about this, guys.
Not bear false
witness, not covet, not commit adultery, not steal. I think old Bill needs
to look in the mirror! Might he and his ilk be the people of the 2 or 3
commandments? WHAP! Please shut up and just go away!
Man Decapitated In Bizarre Wreck
We can file
this one in the 'what was he thinking' file.
A Cobb
County, Ga. man and his friend had been out partying and drinking heavily,
so heavily that the passenger got sick. Well, they are going down the road
and the passenger is hanging his head out of the truck window and he is
spewing like
Karen
Carpenter after any given meal, then suddenly his buddy looses control of
the truck.
Along comes the support wire of a utility pole and, well, I think you get
the picture. Dome be gone.
What does the
driver do? Pull over and call for help? No, he drives on to his house with
the headless corpse hanging out of the window. Then, once there, he goes on
inside and goes to sleep!
Now, I have been
drunk before. Very drunk! But I have never been "my buddies headless corpse
is in the seat next to me, I think I'll just go home and crash" drunk!
Who knows, maybe he
looked over and thought, "Wow! He just puked his brains out!"
The next morning a
neighbor happened to notice the headless body hanging out of the truck
window and called the police. They found the driver asleep in the house,
covered in blood and still drunk. He was treated for dehydration before
being booked at the county jail where he was charged with vehicular
homicide. My guess is the guy is desperately searching the family tree for
any Kennedy lineage.
Newport cop driven home after DUI stop
Here is a related story. A Newport cop is under
investigation by his department after being stopped him for suspected
drunken driving, and then being allowed to be driven home without any
charges being filed.
Newport officer Mark Crank was stopped at 1:23 a.m.
Aug. 10 on the Interstate 471 ramp to I-275 west. A Fort Thomas police video
shows Crank repeatedly refusing to take a field sobriety test and being
uncooperative.
"You were all over the road, sir, OK?" Fort Thomas
police officer Adam Brown said to Crank in a video recorded by his cruiser's
dashboard camera. "I mean you almost wrecked this car three times while I
was following you. In fact, at one point you were just an inch from going
off the road back there."
The grainy video shows Crank's repeated refusal to
comply with a sobriety check, saying, "Why are you standing there doing this
to me?" 
Buried at the end of the story is the fact that
Crank was one of three Newport police officers named in a federal civil
rights lawsuit in 1996. The suit claimed that the three officers, who were
off duty at the time, pointed guns at two Northern Kentucky University
students during an argument. The suit was settled out of court with the city
paying undisclosed damages. WHAP! I think we have shoveled up a bad cop here
guys!
Web Turns 35, but Still Work in
Progress
Thirty-five years
after computer scientists at UCLA linked two bulky computers using a 15-foot
gray cable, testing a new way for exchanging data over networks, what would
ultimately become the Internet remains a work in progress
Hold on a second!
UCLA scientist? Didn't Al Gore tell us that it was he who invented the
internet?
Today, University researchers are still
experimenting with the net trying to increase its capacity and speed.
Political pressures might hinder them. Imagine that?
In the 70s they created the TCP/IP protocol, in they 80s the domain name
system came along and the 90s brought us the World Wide Web. Now the
engineers are developing separate systems that will parallel the
Internet so that data-intensive applications like video conferencing, brain
imaging and global climate research won't have to compete with all e-mail,
e-commerce and of course, PORN!
The rest of the info in this article is pretty much a big yawner. No word
on how a shovel will effect the WWW. I guess that remains to be seen. All I
know is that Michael Moore is still an excessively portly putz!
Man who cut out girlfriend's eye may end up as a juror
A man, who spent time
in a courtroom for gouging out his girlfriend's eye with a steak knife,
could be back in court Monday, but this time as a juror.
Am I living in bizarro world here?
In 1996 this guy,
Nathan Campbell, attacked his girlfriend with a steak knife and cut out one
of her eyeballs. In his trail he was found not guilty by reason of insanity.
WHAP! Do you guys know how the insanity plea came about? Originally it was a
posthumous plea. I will take that up later.
Anyway, even though
this guys is still being treated for mental illness, he might make the jury
just because he has a valid driver's license. Hello?!!!?? This is
sick! I will keep a shovel on it!
Kerry is dead in the
water. Just watch. Keep your shovel on you, though! There is still some
swinging to be done!
Monday, 30, 2004
That
headline is just as misleading as it can be.
 Witnesses say that this
woman didn't fall, she jumped - right into the hotel courtyard. So she was
either trying to kill herself or the plunge was her attempt at impersonating
Vanilla Ice's musical career.
Anyway, she
was dead on the scene.
Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, she and her
husband were there to
attend a
conference on suicide prevention! Hmmm.... Sources are telling the Shovel
that Rod Serling is going to come back from the grave for this story. We
will keep an eye on it!
Pregnant
Inmate Forced To Undergo Abortion To Be Eligible for Death Penalty in China
Read that headline
until your head explodes from trying to find the logic in it! WHAP! I wonder
where the NOW gals will stand on this? Me thinks they won't say a word.
Chinese
prison officials have forced a pregnant inmate found guilty of transporting
heroin to undergo an abortion so that she could be eligible for the death
penalty, according to a report published on Wednesday, AFP/Yahoo! News
reports.
 This lady,
Ma Weihua, was arrested for transporting 56
ounces of heroin. Under China's criminal code,
anyone convicted of trafficking that amount of heroin can be executed. But!
Chinese law also states that pregnant women and people under the age of 18 cannot be executed.
What a conundrum, huh?
Not for the government over there. They want to abort
the child in order to be able to legally execute the mother. ???? I
know how you guys feel -- INSANE!!!!!
The consent form stated that the substation director requested that Ma be
forced to undergo the procedure because she was "uncooperative." The form
also noted that Ma was given general anesthesia -- which put her to sleep --
instead of the local anesthetic usually used for early-term abortions,
according to Ma's attorney Weng Weihua.
How crazy is this? It makes me want to sing that old
Monty Python song, --sing it with me--- "I like Chinese, I like
Chinese. They only come up to your knees...." Seriously though - why
aren't we dropping bombs over there?
Tale of malt & mystery
This is cool in a
weird way. This guy is selling beer that he made from the barley of crop
circles.
"There's something very interesting as yet unexplained going on in those
fields," Cates said.
Some people believe crop circles are tangible proof that superior
extraterrestrial intelligence is at work in our world, others believe there
is a paranormal aspect to
their appearance, and some say they are nothing
but grand hoaxes.
Everyone else is a NASCAR fan!
Friday, 27, 2004
Move over Don Ho
Jake Shimabukuro,
the first Hawaiian - and only ukulele player - to sign with Epic Records is
about to explode onto the music scene. Look out Tiny Tim! Oh wait, never
mind, he is now tiptoeing under the tulips.
Anyway, this guy
can fill arenas, pulling in thousands of rabid admirers. The critics love
him and are even comparing him to guitar greats like Jimi Hendrix and Eddie
Van Halen. Hmm... 4 strings on one and 6 strings on the other. Sure, I can
see the comparison. Kind of like comparing a bugler to a trumpeter, I guess.
Whack jobs!
Just a
thought, but is there a job more counter productive and meaningless than
that of a critic? Not only of music, but of anything. Maybe it is just me,
but most critics seem to be vainglorious little maggots who live to tear
down every person who possess more talent than they do. That would include,
in their case, 99.9% of the free worlds population. WHAP! Critics strike me
as the kind of people who buy their underwear at garage sales. Sorry, got
off on a rant there. Back to the story...
To win over more hearts and minds, Shimabukuro will be
touring the States over the next several months, playing at venues ranging
from the Bumbershoot arts festival in Seattle to the Knitting Factory in
Hollywood. His newest CD, "Walking Down Rainhill," also was released in the
United States on Tuesday. But he says he isn't in any particular hurry to
become a household name.
That is a
good thing because 'household name' is something that he will never be. I'd
say, at best he might end up being a trivia question.
Speaking of less than
six strings, here is a perfect segue...
Air play ambitions in rock riff
riot
Finland
will be holding the ninth annual Air Guitar World Championships this
weekend.
 The
finalists must perform a song of their choice as well as a song that will be
chosen right before they hit the stage. There is no dress code for this
unparalleled display of lack of musical talent.
Judges are looking
for originality, the ability to be taken over by the music, stage charisma,
technique, artistic impression and - it goes without saying - "airness"
In related news,
Michael Moore is still the undisputed champion floating Air Biscuits.
Waldoboro school bans nuts,
seeds
Come
September, all 400 children in SAD 40's Miller School will go nut-free,
seed-free, pit-free and bean-free as part of a food ban designed to save a
fellow pupil's life.
Parents are being
told this week not to send their children to school when classes begin Sept.
1 with anything containing peanuts, sunflower seeds, poppy seeds, sesame
seeds or legumes such as dried peas and beans. Also banned: fresh peaches,
apricots, avocados, plums, cherries or other pitted fruits.
Although more than
one pupil at the school is allergic to such foods, one child's sensitivity
is life-threatening, Superintendent Pamela Carnahan said Tuesday. The child,
whose identity has not been released, is so sensitive that he could have a
reaction merely by smelling the breath of someone who has eaten the banned
foods.
"It's of such a
serious nature, we're making our school nut-free," she said. "We are doing
whatever we can."
Your government
schools at work, guys. How asinine! Whap! What are these people thinking? It
is vapid reactionary thinking and they all need to be beat with a shovel for
even considering such an idea! I wonder if they would allow Lance Armstrong
to stop by and talk to the kids? I mean, him being only half nuts.
Might we see an
outbreak in the black market for PB&J sandwiches here?
William Kennedy Smith Accused Of
Sexual Assault
A massive amount of alcohol, a rape accusation, and a
lawsuit. Toss in the corpse of a gullible young lady and the guy would have
hit for the cycle in the Kennedy league.
A former personal
assistant to Chicago doctor William Kennedy Smith filed a lawsuit Wednesday
accusing the nephew of the late John F. Kennedy of sexually assaulting her
inside his North Side home in 1999.The suit, filed in Cook County Circuit
Court Wednesday afternoon, names Smith as the defendant and seeks in excess
of $50,000.  The
plaintiff claimed that on the morning of Jan. 16, 1999, Smith forced her
into his home, forced her on to his bed, and removed her clothing and
sexually assaulted her despite her pleas to stop. Smith supposedly thwarted
a subsequent attempt by the plaintiff to flee the home until she was able to
escape later that morning when he fell asleep.
The story
goes on to say that the two went to a bar, drank too much... blah, blah,
blah!
We all know
how this trial is going to go. The Kennedy's will spend millions on
high-powered lawyers that will try and crush the girls story. It will be
a joke - and unlike Christopher Reeves the guy is going to walk.
Have a great weekend.
See you Monday. Be ready because next week is going to be a protestor freak
show!
Thursday, 26, 2004
Panhandle cops want to cut down
tree to stop drugs, prostitution
I can't make stuff
like this up, guys. A Fort Walton Beach sheriffs deputy has just come up
with a phenomenally stupid solution to a prostitute and drug dealer problem
that they are having. It seems that these dregs of the community tend to
congregate around this huge oak tree at the front of a neighborhood there.
So, what is his
solution to this -- cut down the tree!
Lets see.... arrest
the dealers? No, that wouldn't work. Arrest the hookers? No, that wouldn't
work. Cut down the tree? Brilliant! A plan straight from the Barney Fife
playbook.
The
tree was covered by a revitalization grant and considered to be a
beautification asset to the neighborhood, but the grant has lapsed so this
guy sees no problem with them cutting it down. I wonder what this guys solution to stopping
crank heads from making crystal meth in their bathtubs would be? Close down
Home Depot? WHAP! Read what this guy had to say and I think you will
understand how this dolt came up with his inane solution. Obviously he
wasn't channeling Einstein at the time. This nothing but a little pearl of
wisdom.
"We're not
attacking the tree," Deputy Don Hess said. "The tree hasn't hurt anybody."
I hear ya, lobotomy boy. Ya know, I wouldn't mind
seeing the tree huggers rally on this idiot. I'd even loan them a shovel!
Magnets May Not Really Work for Pain
Lets put this story
in the 'Blatantly Obvious' file.
Research from a new
study reports that magnets actually do little to relive pain. They
found that the magnets did not appear to have any affect on the nerve fibers
that transmit information about touch to the spinal cord. Those nerves are
more sensitive to stimulation than the nerves that transmit pain signals.
So, they have deduced that if the highly sensitive nerves aren't affected,
it would be a miracle if the magnets could ease pain in the less sensitive
nerves.
These results can be found in the American Journal
of Pain Management. With the help of my shovel, I hope to have all liberals
subscribing to that journal soon!
In an interview, Garrison noted that many people
believe that magnetic fields -- which clearly affect bird migration, for
example -- could also have effects on the human body.
Huh? What moron theorized that something which
affects bird migration might also ease pain in humans? How did they draw that
parallel? May I offer a theory that is a bit more tangible? Shotguns affect
the migration of birds, and a well aimed shotgun can also cause humans pain.
How do you like those results? WHAP!!
This story rambles on and on. I have a one word
answer that could have ended the study before it even started. PLACEBO!
Bush Campaign Lawyer Quits Over
Ties to Ad Group
Get ready to hear the
name Benjamin Ginsberg. He is, or should I say was, a top lawyer for
President Bush's re-election campaign. He just resigned.
"I have decided to
resign as national counsel to your campaign to ensure that the giving of
legal advice to decorated military veterans, which was entirely within the
boundaries of the law, doesn't distract from the real issues upon which you
and the country should be focusing," Ginsberg wrote in a letter to Bush. A
copy was released by the Bush campaign.
What did he do? He
advised the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth when they came to him and asked a
few questions on complying with that twisted, convoluted,
wretched, abominable abuse the the 1st Amendment that is known as the
McCain-Feingold Campaign Finance Reform Bill. Him giving advice was
perfectly legal, especially considering that he is one of the few who
actually understand that stupid piece of legislation.
So watch for his name.
Watch for the stories about the supposed "links" to the Bush campaign. Let
me give you another name though, because I know that the press won't. Joe
Sandler. Joe works for the DNC and Moveon.org. He isn't doing anything
illegal either. But the press won't go after that story like they are
Ginsburg. To them it is ok if the Democrats do it, but it is a sin if the
Republicans do. Again, no bias there, huh?
Student Charged With Clogging
Toilet
A trip into Canada
with three friends. $250. Being charged for taking a really big dump and
clogging up the toilet. $50. Reading about it is the Associated Press News
wire. PRICELESS.
Associated press ---
This 19-year-old kid was returning to Montana after a little vacation in
Canada when port authorities performed a random search and found him to be
in illegal possession of alcohol.
So they detained him. Well, the kid needs to go to the bathroom so they give
him the ok. Apparently he had some sort of Michael Moore like movement
because it clogged the toilet. So what does the smelly French officer do?
Accuses him of doing it intentionally and arrests him.
"I've never been
arrested before or anything like that, and I get arrested for taking a
dump," said Huffman, a student at Montana State University.
The kid says he has
hired an attorney and intends to fight the charge. France, upon hearing
this, immediately surrendered and urged Canada to do the same.
Wednesday, 25, 2004
Dave
Matthews Band Blamed For Human Waste
The Illinois Attorney General's office says that the
Dave Mathews band is responsible for dumping around 100-gallons of raw human
waste from a tour bus that was sitting on the Kinzie Street Bridge. The
release ended up giving the passengers of a sightseeing boat in the the
river below a nice fecal festooning.
Wouldn't you have
loved to have been on that cruise.
I can just hear the tour guide, "And if you will look up you will see
Michael Moore's vision for America."
Anyway, the suit charges both the band and the bus
driver with violating state water pollution laws, as well as common law
public nuisance laws. Blah, blah... swing, swing, swing...
Question here....considering Dave Mathews music, why haven't they been able
to charge him with doing the same thing to the FM airwaves?? WHAP!! If I
never hear a Dave Mathews tune again it would be too soon!
German pub owner left crying
into his beer by tribunal ruling
Liberalism is alive and well in Germany!
A German waiter who
was fired after being caught - and admitting to- drinking and sharing up
to100 bottles of beer everyday sued and actually won a case for unfair
dismissal.
This guys managers warned him repeatedly, but he didn't listen. He
admitted to it, and a former employee even confirmed that he was drinking
and giving his friends free beers. Yet, he still won the case! The pub was
ordered to pay him £2,000 and three months' salary after they fired him for
for his actions. WHAP! Personal responsibility be damned, I guess. Do we now
have sot security?
When asked about the decision, Ted Kennedy proclaimed, "I'll drink to that!"
Border Patrol to Use Pepper Ball Guns
for Crowd Control
Here is a new entry for our 'what are they thinking' file. The U.S. Border
Patrol just purchased air guns that will fire pellets filled with a chile
pepper-derived powder.
 The
powder irritates the eyes and nose for about 10 minutes, giving the patrol a
chance to subdue the illegals without using lethal force. That all sounds
good. BUT! Where are they going to use these pepper balls?
On the Mexican border. How
useless is that? Mexicans are going to be buying the pepper balls on the
black market and eating them for snacks! Come on! This would be like
defending the Canadian border with beer balls, eh! They would basically
bathe in the stuff, eh. Step it up guys.
Escaped hippos give Siberian
fishermen a scare
Two Russian
anglers quietly sharing a vodka as they waited for fish to bite in a
Siberian river fled for their lives when two hippos broke the surface and
shattered the peace of a summer day.
Isn't it overstating the obvious to report that two
Russians were sharing a vodka? Also, what ever happened to the pink
elephant? Or is that just an American thing?
Anyway, the two
hippos turned out to be escapees from a local zoo. They were captured and
taken back to the zoo and no one, man nor beast, was injured. All
involved, grabbed a pint of potato juice and went on to drink another day.
Man on Quest for Knife-Proof Body
Bleeds to Death
Some freak in Tanzanian who went to a witch
doctor to be given the power to resist bullets and knife attacks, died after
receiving his ritual cuts. The story says that the ritual included cutting
their skin and rubbing in potions and powders. The witchdoctor ran after
hearing that the guy died and he has not been seen since.
Odd. I didn't know that Ray Lewis moonlighted as a Tanzanian witchdoctor
in the off season.
Tuesday, 24, 2004
Contraceptive is linked to high
STD risk
Use of the
contraceptive Depo Provera appears to triple women's risk of infection with
chlamydia and gonorrhea, a study reports Monday. ....other studies
have suggested that Depo Provera, as well as oral contraceptives, raise
users' risk of contracting chlamydia and gonorrhea, two common sexually
transmitted diseases.
Huh? WHAP!!
 A contraceptive triples a
woman's risk of infection? The people who turned in this report need to be
beat to death with a shovel. Taking a pill does not increase your chance of
getting a disease! Going Amber Lynn on every guy that you meet does. What a
maddening spin they put on this study, huh? The pill has nothing to do with
it, being a slut is the issue here. Man! What ever happened to personal
responsibility? Swallowing a pill doesn't increase your chance of catching
an STD, having sex with every other person that you meet does. What is wrong
with these people? Jeez! This sort of thought process is making me NUTS! I
need a break! Maybe lay back, crank up a 'sounds of nature' CD and put a
couple of cucumbers on the eyes and just sit there and relax! How do these
nuts jobs come up with this stuff?
Wilderness, Water,
and (Rubber) Women Add up to a Weird Russian Adventure
Those Russians
really know how to party! This brings a whole new meaning to the term
'ride.' In the second Bubble Baba Challenge (baba stands for woman in
Russian) over 126 Russians used inflatable sex dolls as rafts to shoot down
the rapids of the Vuoksa river, which is in northern Russia.
The idea was
conceived on a camping trip while a bunch of drunk Russians -- drunk
Russians? That is kind of redundant isn't it? -- were sitting around
considering possible uses for a rubber woman on a camping trip. I don't even
want to know how that subject came up. Anyway, one of the vodka sodden
loonies stated that he thought a sex doll would make a handy flotation
device.
“I went to the first race thinking it was going to be
a celebration of idiocy,” says Victor Kuryashkin.
I felt the
same way when I went to the Democrat Convention!
Actually, if you
think about it, this thing sounds like a Kennedy reunion - drunkenness, blow
up sex dolls and water.
JANET JACKSON: BUSH WHITE
HOUSE USED MY BOOB TO DISTRACT FROM IRAQ
This Nipplegate story
is still developing, but apparently, in the next issue of GENRE magazine,
Janet is going to claim that the Bush administration used her "clothing
malfunction" to distract people from the war in Iraq. I love it when idiots
offer their opinions! We will keep abreast of the details as they are
exposed.
29 MILLION DAYS LOST TO DRINK
A new law that will
allow people to purchase alcohol 24/7 is causing a bit of a stir in the U.K.
This story is full of keen insights into the obvious. Here are some of their
numbers.
First off, I don't know what kind of calendar these guys work off of, but
they say that each year 29 million days are lost to hangovers. Anyway, 35%
of women said that a hangover is acceptable as a reason to miss work, while
only 26% of man accepted it. 51% workers say that all-day drinking would be
bad for businesses. I think that Ted Turner would argue that point with you!
My favorite quote from
the story...
Alcohol Concern said:
"Staff who go out drinking excessively are more likely to under-perform or
call in sick next day."
Duh! Thank God that we
have the press report on the obvious.
Monday, 23, 2004
Actor John Stamos files for divorce
"Full House" actor
John Stamos has filed for divorce from "X-Men" actress Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. The couple announced
in April they were separating after five years of marriage. At the time,
publicist Lewis Kay said the split was amicable. Court papers were filed
Thursday in Los Angeles County Superior CourtStamos, 41, and Romijn, 31, met
in 1994 at a Victoria's Secret fashion show where she was a model; they
began dating two months later and married in September 1998. They have no
children.
The key sentence here being that they have no children! We can all
collectively wipe our brows knowing that there will be one less emotionally
dysfunctional Democrat on this planet!
Pigeon predators face foul taste
The Royal Pigeon Racing Association
claims to be spurred into action after a bunch of pigeons had been eaten by
falcons.
<Falcons! football!!!!! sorry!!:):):)> The Sunday Telegraph said that it plans
to spray the birds or feed them special diets to make them
unpleasant to eat.
Michael Moore's
handlers said, "We tried it. It is impossible! He has no taste. He is a swallowing machine!"
Crowe
pecks mate's ear
We bring you this from the Mike Tyson wanna be files.
It seems that Russell
Crowe bit the ear of his bodyguard Mark "Spud" Carroll
during a drunken brawl! Apparently the bodyguard told him it was time
to go home to his wife Danielle Spencer, and son Charles. It seems the actor,
legend wanna be, jackass, Crowe, just decided to bite him on his listening
hole.
"Russell's a great guy but he
didn't take too kindly to being told it was time to go home. He flipped.
There was a scuffle then Russell bit Spud. It was incredible."
Mrs. Potato head could not be reached for comment, but I stuck dress
slippers and a nice hat on her.
Chicago Tribune
Editor and Former Swift Boat Commander Breaks Silence; Says Kerry Critics
Wrong
Blah, blah, blah. See how the media works? They treat
the swift boat guys like lunatics and basically ignore them, but they will jump on a story from one guy
and call it the gospel. It has been 35 years and he hasn't said a word - yet
now he wants to speak. Not now when all of this started, but NOW when Kerry
is running out of ways to spin his rhetoric. I wonder what sort of position Kerry offered
him? WHAP!!
Malaysian woman moves in with
scorpions
This 24-year-old Malaysian
plans to sit in a glass box with 6,000 scorpions at a shopping mall in Kuantan.
She is trying to break the Guinness World
Book of Records set by Kanchana Ketkaw from,
Thailand, who stayed with more than 3,000 scorpions for 31 days in 2002.
Side note - the band agreed to play a ceremonial version of NO ONE LIKE YOU!
Richard Gere
reportedly questioned Guinness about 3,000 gerbils and a big fat roll of duct tape.
Friday, 20, 2004
'Fat Darrell' Crowned As Best
Sandwich
Maxim magazine just
crowned a sandwich called the "Fat Darrell" as the best sandwich in the
United States. You can get one of these cholesterol clubs on the Rutgers
University campus at a little restaurant called the Hungry Grill & Pizza.
For $4.75 you can unilaterally launch an attack on your arteries!
The sandwich came
about in 1997 when then sophomore, Darrell
Butler, was hammered like a Kennedy and got the munchies. He stepped up to a
food truck parked in a nearby parking lot and asked for a sub.
When asked what he wanted on his sandwich he answered, chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks,
marina sauce and french fries. The guy working the truck at the time, Abdul Eid,
a native of Beirut, Lebanon, went on to open the Hungry Grill and he credits
the 'Fat Darrell' for his success. I wonder how many success stories can be
linked back to some guy being struck with a moment of brilliance while he
was all liquored up?
When the pachyderm
in a ball cap, Michael Moore, was asked what he thought about the sandwich
he replied, "I hate America!"
Drunk Horse-And-Buggy Driver Causes
Crash
Police in eastern Latvia were trying to determine Wednesday what charges
to bring against a drunken horse-and-buggy driver who caused a drunken
motorist to crash into a ditch, flipping his car.
I was expecting to find at least one Kennedy in this story, but not so. The accident
occurred just before midnight when the horse-and-buggy
made an illegal turn onto a main road when he should have yielded to the
oncoming car. The lush driving the car swerved to miss the horse drawn sot
and flipped his car into a ditch. He wasn't seriously hurt.
Breathalyzers were administered and showed that they were both legally drunk.
WHAP! This guy just broke the 'on the wagon' law.
Anyway, the driver of the car was fined $830 and had his license revoked,
but they can't decide what to do about the horse-and-buggy driver because only
motor vehicles and bicycles are covered under the country's drunk driving
laws.
Paris Hilton bares it
all in public!:
Well known and much
celebrated slut,
Paris Hilton seems to have a very unique way of shopping.
According to the Daily Star, she gave several customers at a Los Angeles boutique
a nice little peep show.
She was looking at
shirts and it seems that she didn't want to wait in line for a dressing room
so she just whipped off the shirt she had on and put on the one she wanted
to try out. Oh, did I mention that she wasn't wearing a bra?
"It was hilarious. No-one could believe it.
Men were gasping! She merely threw her card at staff and said she'd settle
up later," an onlooker was quoted as saying.
I hear, from a
reliable source, that she also said, "What is the big deal? It's not like
everyone hasn't seen them already."
US senator Kennedy complains of
falling on anti-terror no-fly list
Oh, man! Did old
whiskey boy ever deserve this!
Since March
he has been "inconvenienced" after his name ended up on a no-fly watch list.
Each time he was stopped airline
supervisors had to be called before he was allowed to board the plane. US
Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge personally intervened, but it still
kept happening.
"It happened even after he called to apologize,"
Kennedy said at the hearing "because my name was on the list at the airports
and with the airlines.
Kennedy, seen here in an AP file photo,
stopped chewing his cud long enough to add that if a well-known US senator
can have such difficulties in clearing up these kinds of misunderstandings,
the average traveler must have a much harder time.
You know, guys, it just occurred to me, as far as
clearing up traveling misunderstands go, this guy had an easier time
clearing up that whole Mary Jo Kopechne travel misunderstanding than he did
this one. Jackass!
The Transportation Security Administration is
saying it happened because, scotch sluggers name was similar to an alias of
someone who was on the list. I say no. It happened because he got what
wanted, which was unionized security at the airports. You wanted the union
in for their votes, you got them Teddy boy. But you also got their
unparalleled incompetence. Welcome to your wish!
Thursday, 19, 2004
Md. Judge Acquits College Football
Player
This is just flat
out disgusting. A judge let this college football player off after his lawyer argued that a
conviction could end the guys football career. I guess personal
reasonability and the law don't apply to you if you are an athlete. Do you
think that he would have let someone majoring in science just walk if it
might end their career?
This 20 year old
malcontent, Gregory D. Powell, was charged
with assaulting police and disorderly conduct.
Powell's attorney told Judge R.
Patrick Hayman during the non-jury trial that a conviction or probation
could end Powell's career as a wide receiver at the University of Maryland.
Ummm.... WHAP!!!!
Note to Powell's attorney --- wide receiver at a college university is not a
CAREER!! You unctuous lummox! Granted, it appears that this guy isn't very
bright, so it might take him 15 or 20 years to graduate and that might seem
like a career in some peoples eyes, but PLEASE!
"Son, you are about to get an early
Christmas present, because I know what effect a probation would have,"
Hayman told the defendant Monday. "And it is a gift, because you are guilty
as sin. I'm going to find you not guilty."
This judge needs to
be beat with a shovel. He actually said this after evidence was submitted
that Powell cursed at officers, fought with them, ran from them and then had
to be subdued with pepper spray.
Way to go, Judge
Jackass! You just told this punk that the rules don't apply to him. Let me
tell you guys, keep Gregory Powell's name in mind. You are going to see it
again. Who knows what the charge will be, but you will see it. Might he end
up on the Oakland Raiders? WHAP!
Zhirinovsky-s
vodka got broken in the USA
Well-known Russian politician
Vladimir Zhirinovsky was taking two boxes of vodka from New York to
Boston. The vodka was a gift to the Russian Diaspora - businessmen and
administration of the city. When the plane landed in Boston, it turned out
that one of the boxes was wet.
Well, Delta Airlines attendants opened the box, and
found that every bottle was broken.
 So, this Zhirinovsky clown
decides that there is no way that the box fell over and claims that the bottles were
broken deliberately. He even thinks that the broken bottles should be
classified as counteraction against
the import of Russian products in the USA. WHAP! To top that off he, the leader of the Liberal
and Democratic Party of Russia, estimated the damage of the spilled Vodka to
be three
thousand dollars!! THREE GRAND?? Potato juice is potato juice, especially
when it is coming from your country, swill boy. Three grand? You would never
be able to sell a box of vodka for that much here in the USA! Well, maybe
maybe you could if you ran into someone whose last name began with the
letter KENNEDY.
U.S. to Give Cuba $50,000
Hurricane Aid
Cubans hit hard by hurricane
Charley will receive $50,000 in U.S. assistance, the State Department said.
Why? The people
aren't going to see any of that money. Is Cuba even worth $50,000?
 Why
not just send a few people down there with shovels and remove Fidel and yank
that country out of the dark ages? They are under heavy embargos. We don't
trade with them because we want to weaken the Cuban government and Fidel
Castro. So why not put some demands on our donation? Maddening!
Actually, I think
we are offering fifty grand as a slap in the face. It is kind of like saying
that a tornado hit Alabama and did a million dollars worth of improvement!
Wednesday, 18,2004
Costco Begins Test Marketing
Caskets
I don't think that
I would call this the shiniest thought in the idea basket, but Costco
Wholesale Corp. is going to start selling caskets. Isn't that going to add a
new dynamic to shopping? Those lard asses who go there to buy Doritos,
Snickers and fried cheese sticks by the case load will now be able to pick
out a casket for their inevitable early demise.
The test marketing
has started in Chicago, where the coffins are displayed right next to the
mattresses. I guess that is an appropriate place for them. Although, they
could have put them in the gardening section, right next to the shovels.
They are carrying six models from the Universal Casket Co., and they will
offer them in colors like lilac and Neapolitan blue. Hold on! What kind of
freak would want to be buried in a lilac colored coffin? WHAP! The coffins
are selling for $799.99, are made of 18-gauge steel, considered medium
weight for caskets, and can be delivered within 48 hours. Costco is saying
that this will cut their customers overall funeral cost by 30%.
This next quote is
priceless.
Bonnie Busch, vice
president in Costco's Midwest division, hopes shoppers will make one more
stop. "I hope they don't have any deaths in the family, but if they do I
hope we can help people out," she said.
What? That is just
twisted. Someone needs to give that lady a special test!
I think they needs to send a salesman out to the Kennedy compound. Those two
just seem to go together.
Fish Dumped at Landmark in
Pollution Protest
Activist,
especially liberal activist, never cease to entertain me with their
phenomenal lack of anything that could be considered logic. This is
hilarious and just shows how prodigiously stupid these people are and how
they hurt their cause more often than they help it.
This story comes to
us from Berlin's biggest tourist attraction, the Brandenburg Gate. Some
nutcases from Green Peace were unhappy about what they called over-fishing
and pollution in the North Sea. So what do they do? The set up a huge table
at the foot of the gate and cover it with 11,000 dead fish -- over which
they hung a banner bearing the slogan "Don't waste life!."
"We caught the fish in the North Sea on board the Greenpeace ship
Esperanza using a standard 10 meter commercial fishing net," said Jettka.
"The net has a huge pipe attached that sucks up fish indiscriminately like a
giant vacuum cleaner."
WHAP! These people
just really make me want to grab my shovel and start smiting people in
Biblical proportions. On the other hand it makes me laugh. 'Don't waste
life' Let us try and shovel our way through their thinking.
The fisherman catch
the fish and sell them so that people can buy, cook and eat them for
nourishment. That isn't a waste. These morons went out and sucked up 11,000
sea creatures and let them die and rot. They WASTED them. Ummmm, don't waste
life? That logic is 180% out of sync! But it gets better! Almost 95% percent
of their catch were endangered species of octopus and sea urchin which the
commercial crews would have normally thrown back! So, They killed the very
thing that they profess they want to protect. And they killed it for no
reason!! WHAP! WHAP!
"Some 700,000
tons of dead fish are thrown back into the sea each year -- this waste
problem will affect future generations if no one takes action," said
Greenpeace marine biologist Thomas Henningsen.
Just a thought here
Thomas.....Most fish tend to die in the water, you jackass. Dead fish are
chum for sharks. Fast food if you will. First you guys scream when dead fish
wash up on shore and now you scream about dead fish in the water. That is
just convoluted! Fish die in the water if we don't remove them from the
water first!
Can I tell you guys
something? The only thing these environmentalist care about is trying to do
away with anything that 'smells' of Capitalism.
Little Rock Considers Sweep of Homeless as Clinton Library Plans
for Grand Opening
I thought only evil
Republicans swept up the homeless. Or maybe its just that it is only a bad
thing when Republicans try to move them out. Well, city officials want to
eliminate 27
homeless camps in
Little Rock as they prepare for the high-profile opening of the Clinton
Presidential Library. 
The Little Rock
Compassion Center's director, Rosemary Holloway, says she supports
aggressive efforts to clear out encampments because they tend to contain
vagabonds and "professional panhandlers" - people she alleges tend to be
violent and drug-addicted.
They have a
Compassion Center??!!!?? What in God's name is that? Don't you just love all
the creative programs that government comes up with to try and legitimize
the reason why they confiscate so much of your hard earned money? Anyway,
word is that this library will actually have a dictionary that gives a
definitive explanation to what the meaning of the word "is" is. One problem
though - the pages of every book in the library will be stuck together.
WHAP!
Goat
Shrugs Off Shot From Stun Gun
Goats eat tin cans,
why would you think a stun gun would bother them?
 This
goat took off after it was unloaded
at the
children's farmyard on the opening day of the Mower County Fair. It spent
four days roaming neighborhoods on the west side of Austin, TX. Good thing
it wasn't Alabama or the goat might have ended up having 'relations' with
some of the townsmen. Anyway, after a rash of "goat sighting" calls from residents,
one officer cornered the goat and used his Taser on the thing. It knocked
the goat down, but it got right back up and took off. It was caught a few
days later when they found it napping on someone's front porch.
It is Texas, so Enron
and Halliburton might be blamed for the entire incident.
Tuesday, 17, 2004
Bennett Abrams, creator of
artificial trees, dies at 72
I wonder if he
'faked' his death? This guy created plants and trees that were so lifelike
that you couldn't tell they were fake just by looking at them.
 If
you have been in a mall or a hotel, you have seen his work. Those plants
weren't real.
Artificial plants
have been common since the 1970's, but this guy took it to a new level in
the 1980's. He used steel, foam, mulch and paint to create the faux plants
I guess the
family will be asking that you don't send flowers.
.
115 Accused of Gambling on
Insect Fights
Crickets are
renowned for their propensity to fight. We had Iron Mike Cricket, Sugar Ray
Cricket, Tommy the 'hit man' Cricket, the list goes on.
 Can you smell what The
Cricket is cooking?
Well, Hong Kong
police arrested 115 men for illegally gambling on insect fights. They also
confiscated about 300 crickets and $1,025 in cash.
Me thinks
these guys need a hobby! Cricket fighting? WHAP! No word yet if P.E.T.A.
plans to get involved. Just a thought --- the authorities wouldn't have said
a word if the guys had been coating the crickets in chocolate and selling
them as snacks.
Limbless Woman Sues Air France
Over 'Torso' Snub
A wheelchair-bound
woman with no limbs sued Air France for discrimination on Friday, alleging
she was kept off a flight by a gate agent who told her a "torso cannot
possibly fly on its own."
Oh man! Can I just
say to Air France -- go ahead and write the check right now!! A torso cannot
possibly fly on its own? Could you be anymore politically incorrect? Get out
your checkbook! Surrendering is in your blood!
I find it odd that
Air France is going to demand that passengers have arms and legs while at
the same time they completely ignore the fact that their French passengers
don't have a freaking spine. 
The bottom line
here is that this lady didn't want to buy a ticket for a companion. Is
it, or is it not, a butt in the seat? They require the torso to have a
companion incase the plane goes down and an evacuation is required. I
wouldn't put her near the emergency exit, because I would hate to look at
that door and see her gnawing on the on the handle while the plane was in
flames. But, other than that, stick her anywhere -- I will be fine with
picking the torso up and tossing it onto the evacuation slide. Man, I am
bad!
Will she win this
case? I say, YES! But, you might want to ask
THE MAGIC SHOVEL.
Anarchists' Convention Debates Voting
Well, well,
well.... a group of anarchists are planning to vote in this election. This
just shows how transparent and vapid their beliefs are. They purport to
reject government and its authority, yet they are are going to vote this
November. Why? To cast an anti-Bush vote.
This decision came
out of a three-day North American Anarchist Convergence ,
but it seems that all are not in agreement.
"Ultimately, those who are voting are either bad anarchists or not
anarchists at all," said Lawrence, a "Californian in his mid-40s" who
declined to give his last name. "No one can represent my interests. We
reject political professionals."
On the other hand....
"To me, at least,
it's important to vote," she said. "There was a time when I was not going to
vote, but I really dislike Bush."
The bottom line is
that no one wants to vote FOR Kerry. They just want to vote against
President Bush. It isn't going to work!
You know, guys --
anarchist are idiots! I would love to turn them loose in an anarchist world
for ten minutes! They would be wetting themselves like an incontinent
octogenarian who'd just drank 2 gallons of beer. Let them see a government
free, lawless society and actually have to fend for themselves. They
wouldn't last an hour! WHAP!! Give the anarchist what they profess to want
and they will be extinct by lunchtime!
Monday, 16, 2004
North
Carolina man convicted of stealing bread recipes
James Bond is alive and well, and living in North
Carolina!
Apparently, Secret Agents are going
after bread recipes now that they no longer have Soviet intelligence to
infiltrate. I guess we can rule out Atkins, but the Shovel has launched an
investigation to find out whether or not this guy was working for Michael
Moore - we will keep you updated.
Anyway, a man was found guilty of burglary and
theft of trade secrets for stealing recipes from a family-owned bakery in Greensboro, N.C..
It is reported that he entered the Morabito Bakery, claiming that he was an
invited guest, and then stole books containing more than 50 recipes for bread and rolls.
He also videotaped the bakery's operations. Hmmm..... Sing it with me, "I've
got too much time on my hands... too much time on my hands.. it's ticking
away with my SANITY!" What was this guy thinking? Maybe he was a
leftover from the budget cutting Clinton intelligence gathering plan. Who
knows? WHAP!
Also, this bakery provided all the
bread
for the Carnival cruise lines. I guess we have to
consider Kathy Lee as a suspect now. How many scandals can be traced to that
woman? Hey guys, with me doing all this unfounded speculation, I actually feel like a
member of the media!
Dirty rug may have saved Pompano Beach
Highlands man from fire
We will put this one in the Shovel's serendipity file.
This guy,
Joseph Murdico, was outside cleaning a rug that his dog had "soiled", when
he heard a neighbor screaming.
"I could hear the guy screaming," said Murdico, an auto detailer who lives
several houses away from the house that burned. "I busted out several
windows because there was a lot of smoke."
He ended up finding the guy trapped inside a bedroom
and pulled him out through the bedroom window. The Sheriff's Office wouldn't
tell how bad the victims injuries were - which I find kind of odd - but he
was treated and released.
I am guessing the guy spent most of his life riding
the short bus. How is it that you can't get out of your own house, but a
neighbor can come up and just pull you out? I think the guy must have been a nancy boy! The house was damaged but not destroyed. Hopefully we can say the
same for that guys pride. Joseph was not injured
Marine Denied Bus Ride
Go ahead and get your shovel out and polish it up. This one is going to send
you into full swing mode.
A Marine, PFC Jay Griffin, wasn’t allowed to board a Greyhound Bus, despite
the fact that he had purchased his ticket several weeks in advance and was
standing at the curb fifteen minutes before the bus even arrived. He was
dressed in full uniform and he and his parents are pretty sure that is why
he wasn't allowed to board. The baggage loaders wouldn't even touch his bags
and told him that he might not have a seat on the bus.
Right after that the bus driver called for all ticket holders.
"So Jay went on around and he went to board the bus and when he did, the
driver put his arm across the doorway and said I don't have a seat for you,"
explains Carol.
I wish one of us had been there to beat this jackass into oblivion! WHAP!
The story goes on to state that Greyhound says, “We do not have reserved seats, seating is on a first
come, first serve basis. An advance purchase ticket guarantees a discounted
fare, but it does not guarantee a seat.”
Blah, blah, blah! Spin, spin! WHAP!! Greyhound also sells standby
tickets, which are clearly marked in red. The driver, knowing that the
standbys were to be held until the
regular ticket holders were seated, took them anyway and then denied this
Marine a seat on the bus. Aren't Kerry supporters just great?
This kids mother went back to the clerk and his explanation was, "some of the drivers think they're God."
The story didn't give the drivers name. Lucky for him. Anyway, the
Marines mother
had to drive him, all night, to Jacksonville so that he wouldn't be late for combat
training. That would be combat training to fight so that this jackass will have the freedom to be
the unmitigated jackass that he is!! I hope the guy wakes up gay, with an ungodly male
itch!! Man, that pisses me off!! Sorry to be so crass, but damn! WHAP!
A Greyhound spokesperson says they are not familiar with the “stand-by”
tickets used by the Greenville station, but an investigation is underway and
Greyhound has zero tolerance for discrimination of any kind.
What a load of B.S.!! WHAP! WHAP!
WHAP! I'm not done with this one.
Least
competent criminal
Here is a story
from the debilitatingly stupid news stack. A nineteen year old from
Raleigh, N.C., plead guilty to robbing a convenience store. He had a
flawless plan with a getaway car and everything. One problem though, his
accomplices were an 18 year old girl and a 19 year old boy.
The robbery was a
success, but when he got back to the the getaway car the two accomplices
were in the backseat, with the doors locked, discussing the BIG BANG theory!
The police arrived before they could get clothed and unlock the doors.
I guess those two
missed 'that middle thing' about not having a quickie while the robbery was
taking place. Hmmm .... Whap!
Fraternal Twin Delivers 2 Sets of Identical Twins on Her Birthday
The odds of this happening are something
that Pete Rose wouldn't even bet on. This lady, a twin herself, gave birth
to quadruplets - two
boys and two girls - TWINS! - on her 34th birthday!
They were
premature, weighing
between 2 and 3 pounds. The doctors hope they can be sent home by the end of
September. Michael Jackson hopes that they will all be sent to The
Wonderland Ranch. WHAP!
Elvis died today.
Friday, 13, 2004
N.J. Gov. McGreevey Says He's
Homosexual, Will Resign
This guy is
going to go down as the biggest freak ever to hold any governors office in
this country. What a whack job! At least he let
us know that he was going to be truthful, for once. He said....
"My truth is that I
am a gay American," he said.
This guy cheated on
his wife -- his second wife, mind you - with a former government employee,
who just happened to be a man.
What ever floats your skirt I guess. Anyway, the real reason that McGreevey
is admitting to this is because the guy he was playing hide the pickle with
demanded "an exorbitant sum of money to make it go away."
Rasmussen,
McGreevey's spokesman says that he won't resign until Nov.15, claiming that
he is waiting until then so as to provide an orderly transition with the
person who will be taking his place. In accordance with the states
Constitution, Senate President Richard J. Codey -- a democrat --will become
acting governor. Orderly transition, my SHOVEL!
He is not
going to resign until Nov. 15 because he doesn't want to let the citizens of
New Jersey vote to elect a new governor! Why? Because he knows that
Republican Bret Schundler would
win if an election were held. He just barely beat Bret in the last election.
So, instead of doing the statesman like thing and actually stepping down, he
is going to hang around and screw the New Jersey citizens by denying them
their right to elect a governor. Hmmm..... He really does like shoving it up
peoples ....... Well, you get my point. We have
several Shovelers in New Jersey, you guys need to start a movement to get
that guy out now. Force an election, get Schundler in office and that state
will go for President Bush. That would be huge!
German clown weeps for dead camel
This German clowns pet
camel escaped from the circus and wandered right into the path of a train.
He is very upset over the loss of the camel, which had been in the circus
with him for10 years. The story says that everyone loved the camel. I
understand what they are feeling. I too love animals. Especially covered in
gravy!
"We don't see
camels on railway tracks very often in Germany," said Mirko Heinke, a police
spokesman, who explained the train driver would not be held liable for
Roccy's death.
Maybe it is just
me, but I don't see clowns and camels together very often. I don't think I
have ever seen a clown and thought to myself...'hey, where's your camel, you
bubble nosed Bozo?"
I will bet you that
there are no shortages of bearded ladies in the German circus. Actually, I
bet an un-bearded lady would be the draw at the freak show!
Why
poledancing is no longer a dirty word
The new fad in the UK
is pole dancing for exercise. The people promoting it claim that a good
session on the pole can burn more calories than a good session in the gym.
What guy hasn't used that line? "Honey, it would be better for you if you
got off that treadmill, stripped and started 'exercising' on that pole."
Anyway, they also say it will provide more muscle tone. Hmmm... I guess we
know what the exercise routine of Ben Affleck's next squeeze will be.
Some moves are
trickier than others. Imagine having to support your entire weight with one
arm, or supporting your upper body weight with your stomach muscles to get
an idea of the level of effort involved. You can expect increased muscle
definition and toning all
over especially in the arms, thighs, and buttocks.
They say you can
expect to burn about 250 calories per session. Bare legs are essential if
the exerciser wants to grip on to the pole, and the ideal outfit is a pair
of hot-pants and a comfortable and attractive top. They even suggest that
you wear high heels. Huh? Ok, I can dig that.
Surely this new form
of exercise is a mans idea. Why aren't we American men as inventive as those
in the U.K? We come up with ab-rollers and aerobics. They convince their
women that pole dancing is the key to the perfect body. We are slipping! Do
you have any idea what pole dancing would do to memberships in fitness clubs
across this country? The national debt would disappear faster than a sack
full of Big Macs in Michael Moore's lap. Of course the health clubs would
end up replacing their bottled water coolers with beer coolers, but, hey, we
do have all these new healthy, 'low carb' beers! Right?
The company behind this, Polestars, are selling the
poles for in-home use. Price? It depends on how high your ceiling is because
they sell the poles by the foot. Also, the poles come in two parts,
which can be packed away in their very own storing/transporting bag. This is
also going to bring a whole new angle to 'home gym.'
Rain postpones flood siren test
Why is it that government is
so phenomenally stupid? This story comes to us from the BBC. It seems that a
county's Civil Protection Unit has decided not to test flood sirens because
they don't want to alarm people unnecessarily. They have been getting
a lot of rain over there and they still have flood watches going on.
I just love this next quote
from one of the spokesman.
 How
convoluted is his thinking? He says,
"We don't want to test the
alarms while there is still a real risk of flooding."
WHAP! Duh!!! This guy just
might be mentally unsalvageable! How do you follow that logic? So, in other
words, he doesn't want to make sure the equipment is working at the very
time that he needs it to be working. It makes me itch just trying to figure
out what this guy is thinking! Maybe he is an expatriated Democrat.
Italian arrested for throwing hamsters
A retired Italian man
could face up to a year and a half in prison if found guilty of killing his
six pet hamsters and one guinea-pig by throwing them off his terrace into
passing traffic. 
He is claiming the he
accidentally knocked the animals off his terrace while sweeping. The guinea
pig busted one motorists front windshield and the hamsters were found
littered all across the street. Because of a new cruelty to animals law, the
guy could go to jail for 18 months for killing the critters.
Richard Gere made a ribbon out of duct tape and tied
it around a tree in his yard. He took solace in the fact that they weren't
gerbils, but called it sad just the same.
Thursday, 12, 2004
Jury says girl responsible
for injuries from fall
This is a breath of
fresh air. This defense attorney pulled a mental coup by managing to
convince a jury that they should actually hold someone responsible for their
own actions. Shovel salute to this guy and the jury.
A 15-year-old girl
was suing the Stonewall Jackson Middle School because she fell 50 feet
through the ceiling of the schools auditorium. She entered a door that was
off limits and began walking around on the beams and accidentally stepped on
one of the ceiling tiles and it didn't hold her.
The girl was suing
for more than $900,000
for medical bills, chronic pain and a deep depression that has kept her from
returning to school.
Deep depression? What a nice word for, 'I feel too damn stupid to face my
classmates!'
They had sued claming that the off limits door should have been locked. The
jury called B.S. on the claim.
Thomas Kleeh, one
of the Kanawha County school system's lawyers, said the verdict showed "the
jury understood that each and every person has a responsibility to act in
accordance with the rules."
John Kerry stated,
"I voted to give her the money, before I voted against it."
Gene Blocker Turns Monkeys Into
Workaholics - Study
Using a gene
treatment that prevented brain cells from receiving dopamine, researchers
were able to turn Democrat monkeys into Republican monkeys. They went from
being procrastinating monkeys to being workaholic monkeys. The study
also showed that they became better at the work.
"The gene makes a
receptor for a key brain messenger chemical, dopamine," Richmond said in a
statement. Dopamine is a message carrying chemical associated with rewards,
movement and a variety of other important functions.
I think we should
make all welfare recipients undergo this treatment. But, let me warn you. If
the Mexicans ever start this treatment we will all be out of a job!
Mr-DIng-A-Ling
Under Arrest
A
52-year-old ice cream man is in the clink for molesting a nine-year-old girl
while working his route. He invited the little girl to go for a ride in his
truck and then drove to a remote section of an apartment complex parking
lot. He then parked and went Woody Allen on her.
The girl told her
parents what happened just as soon as she got back home and they immediately
called the police. No one can believe it. The company says that they run
thorough back ground checks and this guy had never been arrested for
anything. The parents couldn't believe it because the guy was so friendly to
them and the kids. He had built up a trust with the kids and the parents.
“Mr. Grau became friendly with parents and the children on the route and
overtime it appeared the parents developed enough trust to allow him to take
those rides with the kids, just because the kids enjoyed so much being on an
ice cream truck.”
Hello? Who
didn't see this coming? Whap! It's all in the name! Mr -Ding_A_Ling.
Sharpshooters Hobble
Swashbuckling Thief
A German burglar
was chased into a restaurant and cornered. In a frantic effort to escape
he pulled a sword off the restaurants wall and began flailing it at the
cops.
They pulled an
Indiana Jones and just shot him!!! Only in the hip and foot though. He is
going to be fine. He did manage to cut the police dog a few times, but
nothing serious. The dog is going to be fine. Germany stated that it
will not tolerate these sort of crimes. France stated that it surrenders.
Wednesday, 11, 2004
Neb. Man Loses Weight to Save
His Life
This guy in
Nebraska weighed 1,072 freaking pounds! How in the world do you get that
big? Did he eat Michael Moore?
1,072 pounds! When did he notice that he was putting on a little weight?
That is just ridiculous. He is in the hospital now. Of course he wouldn't
fit into an ordinary ambulance, so they used one of Michael Moore's limos.
HA! Actually, the hospital found a special one in Denver that had a special
gurney and ramps. A ramp!
He has lost 321
pounds and plans to loose another 450. To top it off the guy isn't even 6
feet tall! Amazing. The fattest dude ever weighed 1,397 pounds. Dr. Timm's
advice -- watch what you eat and get plenty of exercise swinging your
shovel!
Cat in Cockpit Forces Emergency
Landing
Have I
ever mentioned to you guys that I hate cats? This story just gives me one
more reason to. It seems that a Belgian airliner had to turn around and make
an an emergency landing because a cat got out of its "flight transport bag"
and made its way into the cockpit.
The passengers were forced to sit there for TWO hours before the plane took
off again. Two hours for a cat! Why didn't he just sling the thing out the
cockpit window? What's the big deal? Cats always land on their feet.
Also, flight
transport bag? When did they come up with those things and how did they get
them past P.E.T.A.? Cat in a bag. Hmmm... sounds like a lunch special down
at the local Chinese restaurant. Can they use those flight transport bags on
kids?
"Once free, the
animal proceeded to wander around the cabin," slipping into the cockpit when
meals were being delivered to the two-man flight crew, it said.
After it got in the cockpit the little bugger freaked out and attacked
the co-pilot, so they turned the plan around just for "precautionary"
reasons. Right. I guess this brings a whole new meaning to the word
pussy-whipped!
Cryptic Comedy "I'm Gonna Kill
the President!" to Play Somewhere in NYC, Aug. 17-Sept. 4
This is bizarre!
The shows are scheduled to begin at 10 PM some where in Manhattan. They will
run Aug. 17-Sept. 4. The Republican National Convention will be held from
the 30th through 2nd, but the show will go on. The press release for the
play gives a number to call if
you are interested in seeing the play. A recording gives the caller
instructions on what to do if they want to attend.
"To see the show,
go to Manhattan and proceed to the middle of 10th Street, between Avenue A
and Avenue B. Our agents will contact you there. You must arrive at least 30
minutes before show time. Latecomers will not be shown to the theatre. And
make sure you're not followed. If you're some kind of law enforcement agent
or official, hang up now, there's nothing illegal happening here."
It also states that
Republican delegates get in for free. Strange. To get my opinion on this -
right click twice, left click, rub your forehead and then send me all of
your money.
Tuesday, 10, 2004
Kerry: Still Would Have Approved Force
for Iraq
Another
flip-flop. He is now saying that he would have voted to use force even if he
knew that Saddam didn't have weapons of mass destruction. WHAP! This after
Democrats have been screaming about the fact that we haven't found the
weapons yet. <we have, but that doesn't matter to them or the press> I
am telling you guys, this dude is going to melt down at some point. Probably
during the debates. He has taken every side of every issue that has been put
in front of him, so at some point he is just going to spin out of control.
It is going to be fun to watch.
"Yes, I would have
voted for the authority. I believe it is the right authority for a president
to have but I would have used that authority effectively."
"My goal, my diplomacy, my statesmanship is to get our troops reduced in
number and I believe if you do the statesmanship properly, I believe if you
do the kind of alliance building that is available to us, that it's
appropriate to have a goal of reducing the troops over that period of time,"
he said.
Blah, blah,blah! Did he actually say anything there? Doesn't it sound
like this guy is standing in front of a mirror talking to himself? The idiot
has even gone so far as to say that he plans to have the troops out by 2005.
Good move there, waffle boy. Announce when our troops are going to leave and
the terrorist will just pull back and wait until we are gone. Then, once we
are gone they will immediately run back in and destroy all the good that we
have done. His plan will not equal victory. It will equal disaster. WHAP!
Subway clerk arrested
for punching woman
I don't have to
tell you guys where this story comes from, do I? New York. The Bronx.
Apparently this ladies MetroCard wasn't working so she approached the clerk
and told him about her little dilemma. Well, it escalated into a screaming
match and then this big brave man punched her right in the eye.
Gonslee Gordon, 48,
was charged with assault after punching Maimouna Saoidoh, 23, in the left
eye around 5 p.m. Saturday in the 170th Street station, police said.
The story says
that Gordon was inside the booth when Saoidoh approached him. They argued
and he came out of the booth and popped her one. She went to the hospital
and was treated an released. There is an investigation under way. What do
you guys think the over/under is on how many times the F word was used
during this altercation?
Autopsy
fails to reveal cause of death for Rick James
The autopsy was performed, but they weren't able to
determine the cause of death from it. The coroner did report that he got a
great contact high though.
Officials with the Los Angeles Country coroner's
office said they're awaiting results of a toxicology test, which could take
several weeks.
 I bet
that toxicology test will turn out to be the kind of test that you don't
take home to mother. Rick had a history of cocaine addiction, was a
diabetic, suffered a stroke in 1998 and had a pacemaker. Lets get real here.
I don't think they should be spending so much time trying to figure out what
caused his death, but rather how in Gods name he managed to live so long!
Upon hearing the news of Rick's death MC Hammer was quoted as saying, "Well,
that guarantees that I will never have another hit song."
Cleveland Fraternity Brothers
Develop Keg Wrap
You have to love
American ingenuity. Three frat brothers have designed a portable cooling
wrap that will keep kegs cold.
 It is much like a heating
blanket only it cools. Their intention was to do away with the bulky, leaky
trash can method of keeping the kegs cool. It will also eliminate the need
for, and cost of, ice. It can be used anywhere and can be powered by an
electric socket or a car cigarette lighter. They received $20,000 in an
entrepreneur grant to develop what they are calling the Keg Wrap. $20,000!
You know these guys are laughing to themselves and thinking, "Free beer from
now until graduation! Cool!"
La Toya Jackson changes name to
Toy
It seems that La
Toya, the fifth of nine freak children released on us by Mama and Pappa
Jackson, has a new song out. The tune “Just Wanna Dance” is at No. 14 on the
charts, but she is afraid that no one knows that it is her singing. Right -
you megalomaniacal freak!
“I’ve called many of
the Billboard DJs to let them know about Toy’s background,” she said with a
giggle. “One phone call at a time, I am letting them know all about Toy.
While some of them knew that Toy was me, others were surprised. The overall
response has been rewarding and encouraging.”
Toy's background? Am I
living in Bizarro world? What is going on here? Obviously she "changed" her
name because her career was dead in the water and she needed something that
might draw some free publicity. Still, this just picks at my brain like a
jackal! Anyway, in a related story, the Shovel has gotten inside
information that her brother Jacko, is planning to add two F's to his name.
Police: Xbox Theft Spurred Fla. Slayings
Just a follow up
here, guys - I am not going to comment because it makes me sick! Those
people murdered were murdered over an Xbox. They were beat to death with
aluminum baseball bats. The 22 year old girl who was assumed to have taken
the Xbox was beaten so bad that dental records couldn't even identify her.
They were also
stabbed, but the autopsy reports showed they they all died from the
beatings. Sick! Some were killed in their sleep and there were no signs of a
struggle.
The worst part
about this is that the bastard who led this attack should have been in jail.
He was let out on a technicality. The walking heap of excrement had spent 8
of the last 11years in prison. Why in the hell was he out?? God this makes
me sick. When are we going to start punishing criminals in this country?
Nowadays we coddle the criminals and look and the victims and say, "Sorry,
tuff luck. Hate it for you." WHAP!
Michael Moore gained 5 pounds while you read this!
Monday, 09, 2004
Man Charged In
Pipe Bomb Incident
A 42-year-old man was
charged for allegedly leaving three pipe bombs inside his house. His house?
Yes, his house. He and his wife are going through a divorce so he isn't
staying there. They aren't sure if he was trying to kill her or just make
sure that she didn't "get" the house.
The bombs, which were found in different air vents, were10-inches long and
contained one-fourth of an ounce of gunpowder and some nails.
He is being held on
$90,000 bond.
John Kerry announced,
"I would hold him, right before I released him." President Bush stated, "I'd
slap him in the chair and fry him.", which made Michael Moore lick his lips
and mumble, "Fried......mmmm.....yummy...."
Clerk Fixing Gas Pump Likely
Caused Frisco Explosion
Why is it that I
picture this clerk being the guy standing 3rd from the left on the
Evolutionary Chart? Investigators believe this moron was trying to fix a
slow gas pump and triggered a gas leak that led to a massive explosion. They
aren't sure what caused the fuel to ignite, but it injured seven people and
destroyed an RV and two other vehicles parked at this convenience store
called the Loaf 'N Jug. What a name for a store. Loaf being the operative
word because that is usually what the clerks do.
I wonder brought on this guys burst of inspiration? He must have had his
turban wound too tight. Anyway, may I suggest that you stick to what you
know -Slurpies and miscounting my charge! Although I must say he has just
proven that he is qualified to run the Democratic Party.
The state doesn't
license people to do pump repairs but it is up to the oil companies to do
the work or train someone else to do it, said Dick Piper, director of the
state's division of oil and public safety.
The director what?
A division of oil and public safety? Whap! What in Gods name does that
division do? Walk around and sniff Jiffy Lube employees? Sounds to me like
we need to scrap that division and create a division of idiot control and
public safety.
Six friends slain in Deltona
The bodies of six
friends were found scattered through a blood-spattered house Friday in what
Volusia County's sheriff called "the worst thing that we've ever seen."
Johnson said the crime scene displayed "an extreme level of violence" and
there was evidence of a struggle.
"It's a very, very brutal crime scene," Johnson said. "It's hard to describe
what went on in that house." Even a "little brown dog" in the home was
killed, he said.
No arrests had been made late Friday, and sheriff's officials released
little information. Johnson would not identify the victims, say how they had
been killed or speculate on a motive. But investigators were known to be
looking into a series of disturbances and acts of vandalism that preceded
the killings.
Whoever did this
should be canonized, and I don't mean that in the literal, dictionary terms.
I'm talking about a big steel ball, some gun powder and a fuse!
Report: al-Qaida Made Pre-9/11 Diamond
Buy
This story backs up
our prosecutors claims that al-Qaida laundered millions of dollars in terror
funds through African diamonds before they attacked us on 9/11. They
purchased all the diamonds that they could so they would have an easily
convertible and untraceable source for funds after their funds were frozen.
WHAP!
"It is clear that
al-Qaida has been in West Africa since September 1998 and maintained a
continuous presence in the area through 2002," the U.N.-backed war-crimes
investigators in West Africa, led by American David Crane, said in the
confidential report obtained by the AP.
Separately, one U.S. intelligence official told the AP that evidence of
an al-Qaida-Africa diamond link now was "close to overwhelming." The
official estimated al-Qaida proceeds in the diamond dealings at $15 million.
The list of
al-Qaida fugitives seen in Liberia ahead of Sept. 11, 2001, include names
that have since become infamous to all of us.
They include Ahmed Khalfan Ghailani, wanted in the 1998 bombings of two
African U.S. embassies, Fazul Abdullah Mohammed, who has a $25 million
bounty on his head, Mohammed Atef, an alleged Osama bin Laden military chief
who was killed in Afghanistan in 2001 and the list goes on.
This is a pretty long article, but it just goes to show that step by step
we are linking things together. And I guess diamonds are a terrorist best
friend.
hmmm.... never mind.
Alice Cooper's Snake Eats Too
Much
Alice's 8-foot-long
albino python swallowed a 12-by-14 inch heating pad that had been left in
its cage. That is kind of bizarre.
 The
python was sedated, sliced open and the pad was removed and everything is
fine. Would one of you guys beat me with your shovel, because I have no idea
why I put this story up. It must have been two- for- one day at the
methadone clinic or something.
Red letter day for Red-heads at
London zoo
If you are a
red-head and you live in London you can go to the zoo for free. Doesn't that
just make you feel like one big gooey ball of special? Personally, I think
most red-heads belong in the zoo!
Anyway, this is
just a little promotion by the London Zoo to celebrate the birth of a rare new-born ginger-colored monkey.
Mmmm.... ginger monkey .... Michael Moore's favorite snack.
It is an endangered south east
Asian Francois Langur monkey, called Laa Laa and is has little baby orange
hair. Isn't that just precious? Gag! Why would anyone line up to see
that? We have to look at, and deal with, simians everyday of our lives! Our
neighbors, our bosses, our fellow commuters, our bankers, our elected
officials!
London Zoo said 9,500 red-heads
had already downloaded free vouchers from its Web Site
www.GingerSundayGinger. Sunday the zoo will also allow red-heads, often the butt of
jokes in Britain, to win some friends since the vouchers allow them to bring
a friend.
How do you get a
red-headed Britain to go to the dentist?
No joke here, just
a question!
Friday, 06, 2004
Boy Dies in N.H. After Bear Scare
This is a horrible story, so I have no idea why I am putting it up on a
Friday. This 13-year-old boy was actually scared to death after
he and his counselor were approached in the woods by a black bear. The bear
didn't charge or anything, but the kid started having chest pains and then
just stopped breathing. It happened at Camp Hale, which is a camp for low-income children from the
Boston area. The little guy was an only child who
lived with his single mother. Sad.
Singles queue for man pillows
Japan has a new
product for single women. It is the Boyfriend Arm Pillow. Boy, those whacky
Japs, huh?
One of the models even comes with a vibrating alarm function that will
gently shake them awake. I can see that function being put to another use.
The pillow will run the girls about $111. There must be some lonely
women over there in Japan. I don't see how because there are like10
gazillion people in that place!
They are only being
sold in Japan right now but the company plans to export them to America
soon. What will the feminist think about that and how many pillows will
Richard Simmons buy? They also plan to make a Girlfriend Arm Pillow. It will
come with the special feature of an incessant whining sound that will wake
the guy up to ask him if the pillow case makes it look fat.
I wonder how many cup sizes that thing will come in?
Cruise Passengers Told to
Abandon Ship
How would you like
to be on a cruise ship and here "abandon ship" come across the P.A. at 3:45
AM?
Well it happened on
a Carnival cruise line and the people freaked out. They thought that
terrorists had taken over the ship so hundreds of them ran, in their
pajamas, to the deck and waited for further announcements.
It turned out
someone had snuck into a room that, as Carnival officials later put it, was
"normally locked and unoccupied," switched on a microphone and made the
scary statement.
They never found
out who did it, but I'm guessing that Cathy Lee Gifford had one too many rum
runners and just felt like being her giddy, goofy self.
Cops Free Windshield Wiper Chicken
This guy was driving around the other night when a
chicken flew across the road, hit his windshield and got caught in his
windshield wipers. Doesn't that sound like a lip licking moment for Michael
Moore? Anyway, the guy drives to the police station because he didn't want
to hurt the chicken by trying to free it himself. I guess he was afraid he
might choke it.
Why the police station? Tell me please! I think they should have arrested
him for being an idiot and wasting the officers time! What do the police
know about freeing a chicken?
It is a freaking chicken! One of the officers suggested that they guy turn
on his wipers and see if that would free the chicken. Of course that just
resulted in the chicken being spanked back and forth in what amounted to
nothing but a wing-flapping, screeching frenzy.
"After a brief failed attempt to catch the chicken,
none of the officers wanted to be seen involved in a prolonged
'chicken-chasing venture' in front of the police department, so the chicken
was left to hang around the front of the office to do whatever chickens do,"
police said in a news release.
Sorry, guys. I can't
add to that to make it any funnier!
Have a great weekend and we will be back Monday to start swinging again.
Thursday, 05, 2004
Me Big John, wave corn! Doesn't it look like he is
asking, "what do you plebeians do with these things?"
President Bush, obviously knows what to do. Eat it.
Doesn't he have a look on his face like, as soon as I'm done with this ear
of corn, if you haven't calmed down, I'm going to come over there and kick
your little evil doer ass?!
Chocolate — a new way to prevent a bar brawl
This comes to us from Great Britain. Late-night
booze hounds are now receiving bags of chocolate treats by local owners as
they stumble out of their clubs. Why? Some study has said that chocolate
seems to have a calming effect and makes people happy. I find that swinging
a shovel makes you extremely happy and it doesn't make you fat like
chocolate tends to.
They also have other initiatives that they plan to
try over there too. One is that the government will set “minimum drink
pricing”, which in essence means that bars won't be able to run drink
specials during happy hour. Government control of business. That sucks!
WHAP! Ya know, I bet there are ten times more drunks in their parliament
than there are in their bars over there.
This is all part of the 'National Alcohol Harm
Reduction Strategy'.
Don't you just love the big names that governments
give their absolutely mindless programs? Hand out shovels and lets form a
movement to demand that all new government programs go by the acronym
B.S.
Bands Gather to Stump Against Bush
In an unprecedented series of concerts in nine swing states, more than 20
musical acts - including Bruce Springsteen, Pearl Jam and the Dixie Chicks -
will perform fund-raising concerts one month before the Nov. 2 election in
an effort to unseat President Bush.
"We're trying to put forward a group of progressive ideals and change the
administration in the White House," Springsteen told The Associated Press in
the most overtly political statements of his 30-year career. "That's the
success or failure, very clear cut and very simple."
Simple suits you, Bruce. Remember when the
government passed a law requiring record companies to put warning and
ratings labels on these guys albums? They freaked and screamed about
censorship and ultra conservative and blah, blah, blah! The funny thing
about that was that the idiot musicians never took the time to look into it.
If they had, they would have found out that the bill was spearheaded by
Tipper Gore. DEMOCRAT! Play your three cords and grunt like you haven't had
a bowl movement in 5 days.... errr I mean, "sing", Bruce. The key word in
your quote here is the word failure.
Let me tell you shovelers what the results of this
little concert bash are going to be. It will be a bunch of kids saying, "Cool! Cheap
concert tickets!" They will go to the shows, but they will not go to the
booths. It will make no difference.
We All Scream for Ice Cream
This Oklahoma ice cream man opened fire on a
customer because the conversation turned into a heated argument. He fired
two shots at her feet. She was struck in collarbone-area by either a
bullet fragment or some debris from the shots.
The 29 year old guy, Markus Miller, was charged
with misdemeanors and a felony for pointing a firearm.
 He could get up to10 yrs
in jail on the felony charge.
"It is not a normal or legal thing, anywhere in the
country to carry a handgun without a permit while selling ice cream," said
Sgt. Eric Holtzclaw, a spokesman with the Enid Police Department.
I think the Enid police department just might need
a new spokesman! That is about a vapid statement. Not normal to "carry a
handgun without a permit while selling ice cream." Huh?? Thank you for
that keen insight Sgt. Eric. Can you please tell us other things that aren't
normal? Like needing a permit to carry a handgun. I don't think the word
permit was in the Second Amendment. WHAP!!!
Donald Duck To Get Star On Walk Of Fame
This year is Donald Duck's 70th birthday. The
duckster was first featured in a short cartoon on June 9, 1934. On Monday,
August 9, he will get his own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
I ran the numbers and I think Donald is the only Walk
of Fame member to wear their pants less than Madonna. Michael Moore said he
can't wait for the event. He will be there with a deep fryer and some honey
mustard sauce.
Wednesday, 04, 2004
Hastings bids for largest
Kool-Aid stand
This story is very odd, guys. There is a traveling artist from Lucas,
Kansas, who researches the world's largest things.
Hmmmm..... worlds largest things? Is Michael Moore on her list? Sorry!
Anyway, she is set to determine whether the Hastings' Kool-Aid stand is the
largest on the globe. Just so you know, Hasting's is the home of Kool-Aid.
Anyway, I have one word for her, Jim Jones! Jonestown, Guyana. I think
he had the biggest Kool-Aid stand ever! And that didn't turn out so well.
Among the largest items Nelson has certified are the largest strawberry - of
fiberglass - in Strawberry Point, Iowa; the largest pecan - of concrete - in
Brunswick, Mo.; and the world's largest porch swing in Hebron.
I wonder if she would like to see the worlds largest shovel? We could show
her!
The Darkening Earth
Much to their surprise, scientists have found that less sunlight has been
reaching the earth's surface in recent decades. The sun isn't going dark;
rather clouds, air pollution and aerosols are getting in the way.
Ok, hold on guys. CLOUDS??? Clouds?
Clouds caused there to be less sunlight?
Hello? I guess the sunset might play a big role there too! Why didn't they mention
that? This is shovel gripping insanity! IDIOTS! The rest of this article is just too inane to comment on. These
environmental freaks are so convoluted. They want to tell us we have global
warming because we have this huge ozone hole, then they turn right back
around and tell us that less sunlight is getting to the earth. What a
freaking load!!! WHAP!! In a related story there is less food at the buffet
due to Michael Moore's food hole!
Couple Rushing To Hospital To
Have Baby Get Traffic Ticket
A couple that went to a Virginia
hospital to deliver a baby went home with a traffic ticket. Kathleen Siragusa
and her husband, Tom, were in the car on their way to the hospital when her
water broke. That's when they hit a traffic jam.
The husband pulled
off onto the shoulder and kept going. A cop pulled him over.
"The first thought on my mind was what came out of my mouth. 'Turn on the
lights, drive on the shoulder and go!'" Kathleen said
That didn't happen!
The cop followed this couple to the hospital and gave them a ticket, even
though she gave birth seven minutes
after getting there! WHAP!!!! Not blaming the officer here, guys. Just the
inane laws that he was forced to follow.
Obviously, the
couple will be going to court over this. We will let you know what happens.
Residents Poke Fun at Topeka
With Slogans
TOPEKA, Kan. - The
city of Topeka is looking for a new slogan, but some residents just couldn't
resist poking fun at their city's image.
These guys are
having a contest to come up with a motto for the 150th anniversary of the
city. The winner will be announced in December, maybe. It seems that the
slogans they are receiving aren't very complimentary. Some suggestions......
"Topeka, you won't get a lot of unwanted relatives visiting you," and
"Topeka — not as bad as you think." and, "City of morons"
Can we offer them a
suggestion? One that I think is more salient. "Topeka - Michael Moore hasn't
swallowed us yet!" Or "Topeka - Peter Jennings sucks!"
Tuesday, 03, 2004
Teen says eating
corn not factor in crash
A Des Moines teenager charged Saturday
with failure to maintain control of her car and violation of an instruction
permit in a freeway crash said snacking on an ear of corn while driving did
not contribute to the mishap.
"I was paying attention," said Khanh
Minh Thi Quach, 17. "This is very new in my life; I've never had an accident
before."
I say I must agree that it wasn't the corn that
caused the accident. I think the drivers name says it all. Khanh Minh Thi
Quach.
Police Officer Robert Cornwell thought the corn
snacking was important enough to mention in his report. He wrote, "Witness
said (Quach) was distracted because she was eating corn on the cob while
driving."
DWECC. Driving while eating corn on the cob. Or
driving with such a screwed up, unpronounceable name!! I had to get out a
chart of the elements and an abacus to try and pronounce that thing! I might
have driven into a telephone pole if that were my name! I say we take her
license until she changes her name to something that we can all pronounce
without sounding like we are having a freaking epileptic fit!
I told you this eating at Wendy's thing was
nothing but a load of photo op crap!!
When John Kerry, John Edwards and their wives
descended on a Newburgh, N.Y., Wendy's restaurant on Friday for a "light"
lunch with the common people, it was all just a photo op........
Management at the restaurant, which is operated by CIA graduate chef Michael
Dederick, was told the meals would be for the Kerry and Edwards families and
actor Ben Affleck who was with them on the tour.
After tossing out their cheeseburgers and chili,
Kerry and Edwards feasted on shrimp vindallo, grilled diver sea scallops,
prosciutto, wrapped stuffed chicken and steak salad.
The meals came to about $200, MidHudson News said.
I knew it the second I read it!
NIC CAGE
MARRIED AGAIN
After a
whirlwind romance Oscar-winner
Nicholas Cage, 40,
married
Alice Kim,
19, in Northern California on July 30 his spokesperson confirmed to Star.
"It was a very private ceremony," the rep said in short statement.
Freaking Hollywood!
Ok, guys. Lets get a bet going on how many days this will last! Take it to
the message board. :)
Monday, 02, 2004
DEM'S MARINE
MISFIRE
John
Kerry's heavily hyped cross-country bus tour stumbled out of the blocks
yesterday, as a group of Marines publicly dissed the Vietnam War hero in the
middle of a crowded restaurant.
Kerry
was treating running mate Sen. John Edwards and his wife, Elizabeth, to a
Wendy's lunch in Newburgh, N.Y., for their 27th wedding anniversary — an
Edwards family tradition....
Ok, hold on a second
guys. Wendy's is an Edwards family tradition? Sorry, I am not buying it.
Don't get me wrong. I understand sentiment, but do you really think this guy
took his wife to Wendy's on their wedding night or their first wedding
anniversary? Or anytime? Something about this just makes my shovel twitch.
Can you say photo op? I know that you can!
I say it is more
likely that this trial lawyer will be suing Wendy's next year over a claim
that some lard ass only became a lard ass because Wendy's commercials drove
him to swallow six Classic Double Cheese burgers every day! Hmmm... now that
I think about it, Elizabeth looks like she might be having daily
anniversaries at Wendy's! From the last picture I saw of her, I don't think
John Edwards walks around asking, "Where's the beef?" Sorry,
guys - got of on a little tangent there. Michael Moore is fat.
Anyway, Kerry,
approached four Marines and asked them questions. They were
cold to him, answering most
of his questions with
a "yes, sir" or "no, sir." Which is what you would
expect from a marine. But the story reports that the guys took
offense when he thanked them for their service to our country.
"He imposed on us
and I disagree with him coming over here shaking our hands," one Marine
said, adding, "I'm 100 percent against [him]." A sergeant with 10 years of
service under his belt said, "I speak for all of us. We think that we are
doing the right thing in Iraq," before saying he is to be deployed there in
a few weeks and is "eager" to go and serve.
Amen! And the rest
of us think that we are doing the right thing over there in Iraq too. God bless
you for your service, sir. All of you! I think I speak for all shovelers
when I say - lets hope you are not over there serving
under either of these two clowns!
Bush Planning August Attack
Against Kerry
An 'attack', huh?
'Criticize' would be the word of choice if this were a report on Kerry's
plans for President Bush. But, we all see through that underhanded little
spinner don't we? You just have to love the media! WHAP!
... they said they
would also try to blunt what Democrats and Republicans said was a successful
four-day Democratic convention.......
Ok, now they are
just making stuff up! Well, this is a story from The New York Times, so we
shouldn't find it unusual that they would make stuff up. The convention was
not a success, is was a flop. It was a yawner. The ratings were a flop and
Kerry didn't get near the bump he should have. I told you guys he wouldn't.
Lies Catch Up to Missing Woman's
Husband
By all accounts,
Mark Hacking was fun to be around - a loving husband who wanted to be
respected and, like his father, become a doctor. But years of deceptions are
catching up to the former nightshift hospital orderly and he has become the
focus of the investigation into the disappearance of his wife.
The search for his wife Lori is going into its third week and her friends
and co-workers are now starting to recall little things she said that make
them believe this guy is lying. The prosecutors seem to be running around in
circles though.
"We need a body," Assistant District Attorney Bob Stott said Friday.
No! Really? What a profound conclusion, Sherlock. Glad you are on the
case. No wonder they haven't solved this thing. Here are a couple of other
things that this whiz team has came up with.
In the hours that he was supposedly studying for medical exams, Mark
Hacking often was hanging out at a neighborhood store - refilling sodas,
eating hot-dogs and smoking Camel menthols.
<smoking Camels? Sounds like he was trying to kill himself!>
He told store clerks
he was a therapist, and asked them never to reveal his cigarette habit to
his wife because they are Mormons and aren't supposed to smoke. He got his
wife to pack up and move to North Carolina so he could attend medical school
- where, it turns out, he wasn't enrolled. He kept textbooks spread open
around his apartment, but in fact, he had dropped out of college.
If he is guilty, I hope they beat him to death with a shovel. A long slow
beating! But, The Shovel just got news that he recently registered to vote
Democrat - so all charges will be dropped and Halliburton will be blamed.
Naked Dancing Man In Delaware
A naked man
was arrested for dancing around with a woman's bra and panties on his head,
just off the side of I-95.
Ahhh.... Reminds me
of the first time I got lucky!
HAAHAAHAA! Joke.
Anyway, the guy
took off when the cops pulled up, but he was caught and charged with
misdemeanor indecent exposure, lewdness and resisting arrest. He was
released on 12-hundred dollars bail. The bail was paid by Ted Kennedy, who
offered the guy a scotch and welcomed him to the family.
Man cuts own penis
That is the
headline, guys. I didn't make it up. This story comes to us from -- and I am
not making this up either - Bangkok! And, his name is Dong! It seems that this guy flew into a
drunken rage after his wife refused to have sex with him. He initially tried
to play hide the Thai-stick on Thursday night and got rejected, so he sat
there and drank whiskey all night and then tried again Friday morning.
What was he
thinking? Drinking whiskey all night never puts a woman in an intimate mood.
Well, I take that back. It did when I was dating Courtney Love, but that was
just because she wanted something to watch while she was shooting up!....heehehehe:)
When this attempt
at intimacy also was rebuffed, Po Dong flew into a rage and severed his
penis with a pair of scissors. He then cut the severed member into several
pieces and stabbed himself in the stomach while screaming abuse at his wife.
Obviously the
severed Michael Moore can't be reattached due to the fact that he cut it
into several pieces. I guess he doesn't really need it anyway since his wife
won't have sex with him.
Isn't it great that
we can have a story from Bangkok about a guy named Dong, who cut off
his own penis. Man, sometimes freaks just make this news stuff too easy for
me!!!
Missouri police seek identity of
torso
It's been a month since a state crew found a
woman's headless, limbless torso in brush near a freeway rest area, and
authorities are beginning to get frustrated by the lack of answers.
Although investigators have devoted
hundreds of hours to the case, the woman's identity has eluded them --
something that anguishes Warren County Sheriff Mike Baker. Baker is
frustrated that no one has told authorities they're missing a mother,
daughter, sister or wife. If investigators can determine the victim's
identity, he says, they'll have a starting point for finding her killer.
Obviously these guys are frustrated that they just
can't seem to get ah-HEAD in the case.
<Ok, I'm going to hell for that one.>
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