Dear Dr. Timm,

I had a dream last night that I met a beautiful woman. To make a long story short, the dream led to us getting hot and heavy. I then woke up before the dream ended. This is why I am writing you. I woke up "rubbing against my dog - if you know what I mean. She is a black lab and always sleeps with me, usually curled up around my feet. This night she just happened to be curled up near my waist. It freaked me out and I sort of jumped. She jumped too, and went out the doggie door and crawled into her dog house. She avoids me now and only comes around when it is time for me to feed her. She won't play ball with me any more or chase her Frisbee. I know this is strange, but do you have any idea what I can do?   George,  N.C.

My Lord! I don't get paid enough to deal with things like this!! You are one sick puppy. This turns my stomach! I just crushed up half a bottle of Tums and cut it out into fat lines and I am snorting it while doing shots of Pepto-Bismol just to keep from heaving up everything that I have eaten since the late 70's. Twelve steps aren't going to help you here.  Hell, I don't think a one hundred and twelve step program would help you. A nice tall glass of Jim Jones Kool-Aid might just do the trick, though.

It seems to me that you might be suffering from BUC's disease. < banging ugly chicks> A dog is a dog, right? Seems you just took it to the next level. I think your dog is avoiding you because you took "playing ball" just a bit too far for her, you twisted freak. I'm not schooled in pet therapy - nor do I believe in it. Hell, I don't believe in any therapy other than a good shovel to the skull! So that is my advice to you. Find a nice spade and go ballistics on yourself with it. After that call P.E.T.A , I am sure they could offer you some advice. In the meantime -- STAY THE HELL OFF OF MY PAGE!! You freak!!! 

I'm gripping and there will be no charge for this session as I am hoping that you won't live long enough to pay the debt!

Dr. Timm

Dear Dr. Timm
                 I have a crush on the guy who delivers the meat and stuff to the deli I work at.  I  don't want to just ask him out but I flirted and dropped hints and he ain't done nothing.  I'm pretty sure he ain't got no girlfriend so that cain't be the problem.  I ain't ugly and have a very great personitaly.  How can I get something done without looking cheep? 

Jan  
Duncan, Miss.

Dear Jan,

Where to start here? I would say he might be gay but I think that that is illegal in Mississippi.  I'm just going to venture a guess and say, IT'S YOU!!! You and your very great personITALY! Combine that with your demonic abuse of the English language and I'd say that I have answered the question as to why he has shunned all of your hints, trailer park!

Actually, I'm thinking that about half way through the date, after several of your "ain't got no's" and "cain't be's", he would have pulled out a shovel and beat you to death right there at the dinner table! So, you should look at the fact that the two of you haven't hooked up as a good thing.

My advice to you is to go back to the elementary school you dropped out of and re enroll yourself! You'll be moving on to high school before you know it. Until then, start dating your cousin again, I'm sure he has been lonely since you two broke up.

Not very optimistically yours, 
Dr. Timm