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23 thru 27, Feb, 2004 The Infomercial Turns 20 According to infomercial historian Steve Dworman, the Thus launching the careers of some of the most phenomenally untalented and annoying personalities ever to enter our living rooms.
Men fined for removing bull's testicles Four men have been fined $300 each in the Rockhampton Magistrates Court for removing testicles from a bull statue in the beef capital.
Police charged the men, all aged in their 20s, with
willful damage after they found the testicles in their car. Police prosecutors say the men said they had taken the property for a bit of fun and had returned to the airport to replace them. Rockhampton City Council's Tom Wyatt, says the city's bull statues are repeatedly subject to vandalism and ratepayers foot the bill. "The vandals think it's quite a joke but when you talk about taking those testes off the structure, they not only destroy the testes, they destroy the substructure as well of the statues and sometimes that's a costly exercise to repair," he said. I guess you could say that these guys "had" balls!
'Doonesbury' offers $10,000 for proof Bush served"That's right --
Readers are referred to the Web site doonesbury.com, where a Witness Registration Form asks for online testimony. The site says the prize money is being underwritten by Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau. Timmsshovel.com is offering $10,000,000 to anyone who can prove that Doonesbury has EVER been funny!!
Ga. Bill Calls for More Women's
Toilets
ATLANTA - Put this
one in the "there-oughta-be-a-law" category. A bill introduced in the
Georgia House Wednesday would require twice as many toilets in women's
restrooms as in men's rooms. "Anytime you have a toilet or — what are them things called? — urinals, you know, for the men, you should have twice as many for the ladies," said Democratic Rep. Tommy Smith of Nicholls. Read that quote again! How did that idiot manage to get elected? Oh, he is a democrat. I think I might have to agree with him on this though. I mean women are TWICE as full of it as men.
This has not been a good day in our nations history - in1922 The Supreme Court unanimously upheld the19th amendment <woman's right to vote> and in1934 Ralph Nader, consumer advocate was born in Winsted, CT. Two events that we have been suffering with ever since.
Prank Call Leads To Strip Searches BOSTON -- Investigators say someone posing as the police called several local fast food restaurants telling managers they must strip search their employees -- and they did. "The person on
the other end identified themselves as a detective Wendy's released a statement Wednesday that said "the chain (has) fallen victim to vicious scam," and, "we are certainly embarrassed and saddened over all that has happened... Our deepest apologies go out to our employees who were drawn into this scam. They thought they were responding to the direct orders from the police." Lets face it, people who must wear name tags are easily duped! Dave must be spinning in his grave over this scandal. I just have to wonder how many times during these strip searches, someone asked WHERE'S THE BEEF?!!!
Greenspan Urges Social Security Cuts WASHINGTON (AP) - Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan urged Congress on Wednesday to deal with the country's escalating budget deficit by cutting benefits for future Social Security retirees. Without action, he warned, long-term interest rates would rise, seriously harming the economy. He said the prospect of the retirement of 77 million baby boomers will
radically change the mix of people working and paying into the Social
Security retirement fund and those drawing benefits from the fund. Nice liberal spin on this one, huh? They worded this like he wanted all kinds of benefit cuts just to scare the elderly into thinking that he was suggesting that President Bush cut their Social Security. They also make it seem that he is suggesting tax increases. Neither is true. Mr. Greenspan was calling for reform! We have known for decades that this system will collapse without reform. It is nothing more than the worlds largest Ponzi scheme! There is no way that the federal government can confiscate enough of our money <errr... I mean tax us> to continue to pay for it. When Social Security started the numbers were roughly this - for every 1 retired person drawing Social Security there were 300 working people being taxed to pay for it. Very small burden. Now that number is 1 drawing for 3 working. That is a burden that we cannot sustain! Call it cuts if you want, but we must have the reform.
Howard Stern Show Taken Off Clear Channel Stations Clear Channel
Radio has suspended the broadcast of Viacom's Howard Stern show,
consistent with its Responsible Broadcasting Initiative announced earlier
today. After assessing the content of yesterday's Howard Stern show, Clear
Channel worked with local market managers to take swift and decisive
action. How long has Howard been doing his show? If you have followed him at all you know that he has mellowed over the years. So, what is this all about? Well, for one, we are becoming a totally hypersensitive nation that seems to think the Constitution grants us the right not to be offended. We need to get over it and realize that the world is not going to revolve around our individual utopias! Second, this has something to do with their new zero tolerance policy B.S.! Which has something to do with with all the new laws our wonderful Congress is passing after the Janet Jackson "debacle" - like we don't see boobs on the TV every day. Ever watch the network news? Hell, ever watch CSPAN when those oafs in Congress are rambling on the floor of the House? The circle around freedom of speech is getting smaller, the thought police are out in full force with an inexhaustible amount of muzzles, and the idiots at Clear Channel are biting the hand that feeds them. WHAP!
I must admit - I wrestled with the thought of putting up this story because I know all of you have been flooded with it and are probably sick of hearing about it! You are probably saying to yourselves - please Timm, not this one again!! But, at the risk of boring all of you to death ..... Manufacturers Plan to Add Jobs; Greenspan Finds Americans in 'Good Shape' CHICAGO –
Reflecting cautious optimism about 2004, a survey of U.S. "The recovery in manufacturing only really began in the fourth quarter of last year, so most companies are just beginning to feel it now, and some sectors more than others," he said. Sorry to bore you with that. I mean, I'm sure you have heard people like Peter Jennings report that good news over and over and over again. Oh... sorry, -- silly me! That is good news and we all know that good news just isn't news to the liberal media. Especially with a Republican is in the White House. Here is how the libs will continue to play this. They will report on the economic recovery as a "jobless" recovery. Even though they know what they are reporting is a lie. Remember - jobs are always the last thing to come back in a recovering economy! Always. I hope the recovery in manufacturing is a recovery in the
manufacturing of SHOVELS!!! Russian
President Fires Entire Government The dismissal of Prime Minister Mikhail Kasyanov and his Cabinet also apparently bolstered the authority of Putin's inner circle of former KGB agents and set the stage for a makeover of the country's top leadership. I guess the Prime Minister is hating it, but at least this "firing" doesn't mean what it used to. I mean, before President Reagan brought the curtain down, part of the "firing" would have been the report of the bullet that was entering the backs of their skulls.
The following headline is from the New York Times. C.I.A. Was Given Data on Hijacker Long Before 9/11
Now, why did they choose to word the headline this way?
Simple. They know most people never read the entire story, they only
absorb the headlines. So, they worded the headline that way knowing that
the people who saw it would automatically assume that
In March 1999, German intelligence officials gave the Central Intelligence Agency the first name and telephone number of Marwan al-Shehhi, and asked the Americans to track him. 1999. hmmm Who was
president in 1999?? Say it with me -- Bill Clinton!! Yet his name is
never mentioned in the article. Not ONCE!!!! How is that? No bias,
huh? Get me my shovel!!! Six security screeners curious about their brains face disciplinary actions for misconduct A security screener
at Denver International Airport has been reprimanded
The "Scarecrow" is
alive and well and working at the airport. "If I only had a brain." To think
we trust our safety to mindless idiot like this. People like this can make
our lives miserable when we are traveling. I would suggest they forget the
x-ray machine and go find some microscopes if they want to actually see
their brains! Mass Of Coins, Necklaces Found In Man's Stomach
BOSTON -- Babies will put anything in their
mouths, but how about a 62-year-old man? Doctors say the man suffered from
pica, a compulsion to eat things not
Eating strange
items? I wonder if his
last name is Dahmer?
Welcome to the G-Spot I love sex. I
love talking about it, thinking about it, arguing about it, doing it and
sometimes even watching it. But because I don't have a penis, I'm supposed This is just the opening paragraph. If it doesn't intrigue you enough to click the link and read the rest then you just might be a freaky prude!!!
Two-thirds of Americans support TV executions Two-thirds of
Americans polled last month said they support the idea of televising
executions — and 21 percent said they’d pay to watch Osama bin Laden put
to death. national telephone poll of more than 1,000 people aged 18 or
older, asked This poll is so skewed! They interviewed 1000 Americans out of the 291,000,000 that exist!! I hate polls. I would say about 95% of Americans would pay to see Osama executed. The reason they only got 21% percent is because most of the people they call for these polls live in trailers and the aren't going to give money to pay-per-view anything but wraslin'!!
BREAKING!!!! Feb, 21 -- 5:00pm Bin
Laden 'surrounded' A BRITISH Sunday newspaper is claiming Osama bin Laden has been found and is surrounded by US special forces in an area of land bordering north-west Pakistan and Afghanistan. The paper claims he
is in a mountainous area to the north of the Pakistani city of Quetta. The
region is said to be peopled with bin Laden supporters and the terrorist
leader is estimated to also have 50 of his fanatical bodyguards with him.
The claim is attributed to "a well-placed intelligence source" in Washington, who is quoted as saying: "He (bin Laden) is boxed in." The paper says the hostile terrain makes an all-out conventional military assault impossible. The plan to capture him would depend on a "grab-him-and-go" style operation. The special forces are "absolutely confident" there is no escape for bin Laden, and are awaiting the order to go in and get him. hmmm...
Man charged with attacking neighbor A Fredericksburg man has been charged with yanking off a neighbor's prosthetic leg and beating him with it during an argument. Authorities say the fight started when the victim, Michael Clapp, 38, discovered a bottle of medicine missing from his Townsend Boulevard apartment Wednesday night. Clapp suspected his neighbor,
27-year-old Rodney Prophitt, and went next door to confront him around 7:15
p.m., city police spokesman Jim Shelhorse said. When he did, police say, Prophitt
knocked Clapp to the ground, then pulled off his artificial leg and struck
him with it "At some point, Mr. Clapp was able to grab his leg back, get back to his apartment and call 911," Shelhorse said. Police charged Prophitt with felonious assault and petty larceny. I guess - in a way - this guy took part in the kicking of his own ass.
New book chronicles rare and odd ailments of human body, mind Being extremely startled by an
unexpected noise or sight is the main characteristic of the disorder with
the peculiar name of Jumping Frenchmen of Maine.
Repeat words? Would that be words like, "I surrender, I surrender!" I often thought that being French would be much like having a terrible disease. I guess now I know it is true.
Schwarzenegger Seeks
Halt to Gay Marriages
SAN FRANCISCO — Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger directed the state attorney general Friday to take immediate action to stop San Francisco's parade of same-sex marriages, hours after a second San Francisco Superior Court judge refused to order a halt to the unions. In a strongly worded letter to Bill Lockyer, the
governor said that because "We are seeing in San Francisco that the courts have dropped the ball," he said. "It's time for the city of San Francisco to start respecting state law." I don't care which way you "swing" on this issue. But, breaking the law is breaking the law. So, if you openly admit that you aren't going to respect the law - or the tradition -then why in the world would you care if it gets changed? That makes no sense. Hello? WHAP! On the other hand with divorce being the way it is today can marriage really be called an "institution" anymore? Nowadays people marry and divorce with the alacrity of junior high relationships. We should replace "do you take" with "do you wanna go with" and the whole ceremony could take place over the phone late at night while both people are lying in their beds with all the lights off. Then it could be consummated the next day by the couple handing each other a piece of jewelry that both of them had thought about taking to the pawn shop anyway!! Forget the rest of the "stuff", it is just fodder for divorce attorneys.Anywho, I will tell you one thing, and you can lick this and take it to the bank -- the real reason why lawyers on the left want gay marriage to be legal is because it will mean a whole new list of clientele for them to represent in divorce court. Easy money!
Teacher, student naked in car -S.F. police arrest 30-year-old woman in park with boy, 14 A 30-year-old San Francisco schoolteacher faces lewd conduct charges after being caught naked in a car after school with a 14-year-old Luther Burbank Middle School student, authorities said Friday. At 5:30 p.m. Thursday, patrol officers driving in
an area of McLaren Park known for drugs and prostitution spotted a car with
steamed windows, suggesting either drug or sexual activity, according to
Capt. Frank O'Malley of the Police Department's
Upon checking the car, which was parked at John F. Shelley Drive and Cambridge Street, officers found Nieka Arreola and the unidentified student, who worked as an aide in a classroom at Luther Burbank, undressed in the car. Arreola reportedly told police she was giving the boy a ride home. She was booked on three counts with lewd and lascivious acts on a minor. This is ironic, is it not? I mean, the female teachers last name? Areola?
Nader Says He's Running for President Again WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Ralph Nader said on Sunday he will try again this year as an independent. "Washington is corporate-occupied territory, and the two parties are
ferociously competing to see who is going to go to the White House and take
orders from their corporate paymasters," Nader said on NBC's "Meet the
Press." If ever there were a party ruled by "corporate paymasters" it is the GREEN PARTY, you freak!!! Your party would not exist without the funding of the inane special interest that your party is completely made up of! The party is nothing more than a bunch of whack job, communist, nihilist, socialist, goofs who are more "half nuts" than Lance Armstrong! They are people who don't have the intellectual ability to grasp the platforms of either the Democrat or Republican party. <and lets just be honest here - if they approached members of the Libertarian party they would be shot on site.> I'm not going to call them idiots. Well, I take that back, yes I am! They are idiots! I have things sitting in the spice rack in my kitchen that have a higher I.Q. Grip the shovel! Seriously though, the Democrats are hating this!! It is going to take tons of votes away from them and will cost them tons in advertising that they could be using against President Bush. Look at this freak! Could you ever imagine him being the figurehead of our country? I have to laugh! And, I want to say the same thing to Ralph that I would say to the guy who just finished his 15th beer and decided to go streaking. "RUN!!!!!!! BABY, RUN!!!!!"
20, Feb, 2004 Cash Family: 'Ring Of Fire' Won't Be Preparation H Theme
The Nashville Tennessean reported Rosanne Cash and
her siblings were livid when she heard her father's signature hit might be used
for a Preparation H commercial.
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first glorified
commercial was for the Herbalife multi-level marketing company and aired
sometime in the fall of 1984.
we're offering $10,000 cash to
anyone who can prove George W. Bush fulfilled his Guard duty in Alabama,"
Wednesday's strip said. "So if you served with Mr. Bush -- even if only in
the officers' club -- we want to hear from you right now!" 
from Whitman and said one of the employees was a wanted suspect and asked
them to do a strip search," said Whitman Deputy Police Chief Raymond
Nelson. "Evidently, they were strip searched."
manufacturers found that many more are planning to add jobs than to cut
them this year amid what's forecast to be the biggest increase in
manufacturing production since 1999.
minister Tuesday in a surprise stroke that rids the Russian leadership of
a top holdover from the Boris Yeltsin era.
the story was about President
Bush and that he knew the attacks were coming and did nothing about it.
GRIP! The truth of the statement doesn't come until the 3rd paragraph. As
follows .... 
and several others at airports
across the country put on administrative leave for sending their bodies
through checkpoint x-ray machines to see what their brains look like.
normally consumed as food. He also
had a history of psychiatric illness, and family members had warned
doctors that he ate strange items.
to keep these thoughts to myself. Guys overly concerned with sex are
"players" while girls are called sluts. I should know. 
respondents who
they would most likely pay to watch executed if executions were shown on
pay-per-view television.
several times.
It's not just bolting when
someone sneaks up behind you, explains Butcher. Patients with the disorder
flail their arms, cry out and repeat words. 
San
Francisco's actions "are directly contrary to state law and present an
imminent risk to civil order, I hereby direct you to take immediate steps to
obtain a definitive judicial resolution of this controversy." 
Juvenile Division. 
Last month, a Florida television production
company approached Kilgore about using "Ring of Fire" for a hemorrhoid ointment
commercial. At the time, Kilgore said he thought the idea was funny. But Rosanne
Cash said there's no way the family will ever let the song "be demeaned like
that."
The book says the favorite last meal is
cheeseburgers and french fries. Steak, ice cream and fried chicken are popular
too, Price said. Prison officials try to meet meal requests but usually choose
from whatever is available in the prison pantry.
dipped, according to a USA TODAY/CNN/Gallup
Poll taken Monday and Tuesday.
when the man walked in with
the two-foot carpet shark biting his leg, and refusing to let go. Once he
reached the shore, people tried to help him but couldn't remove the shark.
Lifeguards flushed its gills with fresh water, forcing it to loosen its grip.
The man had 70 needle-like punctures.
has close-up shots of a nude woman. One father tells the Oriental Daily News the
images were very gross and shocking. The department sent out 50,000 copies of
the video, including many that went to schools and public libraries.
Distribution is being suspended while officials investigate the dental porn
report. But the Health Department says there have been no more complaints about
the too explicit oral hygiene video.
that President
Bush was going to be at the 500. The press is going to have a field day
with it. Need I explain how? 
NetAccountability, a nonprofit software company that aims to help
Christians confront the "secret sin" of pornography. Almost 18 percent of
people who called themselves born-again Christians admitted visiting
Internet porn sites, according to a 2000 survey of 1,031 adults by the
evangelical group Focus on the Family. In a 2002 Pastors.com survey, more
than 50 percent of responding pastors reported viewing pornography in the
previous year.
and bloody deaths of
terrified chickens, pigs and cows -- to Veggieville, a friendly name
honoring a heart-healthy and compassionate alternative to animal corpses,"
the letter said.
That's one followed by 34
zeros
noticed the odd taste and no students were hurt. The half-pint
cartons contained a disinfectant used in milk plants. One ingredient is
hydrogen peroxide, which can cause nausea if ingested.
of the Indiana University coaching legend, which is up for sale on eBay.
tell their parents
that "Howard Dean came to my classroom and advised us to drink water from
toilets."
furniture as "harmless fun". She said: "I gave him the choice: The monkey
or me. He chose the monkey. It's incredibly painful to know that some
baboon is more important to him than I am." 
It may have been
the hour -- 4:30 in the morning The clerk called police after completing
the sale. Officers caught the man, just minutes later. It turned out he'd
been arrested in Louisiana the night before, but kicked out a window in a
police car and fled
Nevada
break a case. It was the yellow snow. Officers in Elko say a burglar
relieved himself from the roof of a restaurant that had been ripped off.
Investigators say the yellow snow yielded enough DNA to link Roger Gray to
the scene. Police say he's admitted to a jewelry store burglary.
Investigators are now looking at his possible involvement in burglaries at
a pizza place and a J.C. Penney store.
It booed
U.S. goals. It chanted "Osama! Osama! Osama!" as U.S. players left the
field with a 2-0 victory. And that was in a game against Canada on Thursday
before just 1,500 people.
to have his penis amputated
when he burned it urinating on an electrical wire. But micro-surgeons were
able to grow the new one over a ten-month period, the Sun reports. They
hope Malik will be able to urinate through his new penis and perhaps have
a full sex life one day. 
out of
control.
performance,"
MTV said in a statement. "MTV regrets this incident occurred and we
apologize to anyone who was offended by it."
will resume taping his Emmy award-winning quiz show Tuesday after escaping
serious injury when he fell asleep at the wheel of his pickup truck on a
rural road.
His food is so good, it's
attracting too many people -- and they're having to wait in long lines.
He's become well-known for his traditional Swedish pancakes, pea soup and
pork chops. And instead of the 100 people who used to have lunch there,
it's now 300.The company's staff manager says there just isn't enough room
for everyone who wants to sample Norberg's cooking.
Wednesday
on a key route, and young pranksters thrilled by a rare snowfall were the
prime suspects. 
purchased
his doggie treats with plastic after being issued a credit card by mail.
The dog, named Clifford, lives with his owner in Livermore, Calif., in the
San Francisco Bay Area. Clifford's owner, Steve Borba, said he was tired
of getting spam e-mails, so he signed up for an e-mail account using the
name Clifford J. Dog. Eventually, a pre-approved credit card application
arrived addressed to Clifford J. Dog, and Borba sent it in as a joke. The
credit card company issued Clifford a card.
the public needs an
assessment that won't be clouded by partisan division.
