Russian troops have retrieved 10 tonnes of beer trapped under the Siberian ice after a week-long operation. Six divers, 10 men with electric saws and a tank pulled the beer kegs - but not the truck - to safety.

Well, at least these guys have their priorities in order! No wonder they can't afford to send troops to help us in Iraq!

I told you we would see this guy go nuts!!

"Not only are we going to New Hampshire," he said, his voice rising. "We're going to South Carolina and Arizona and North Dakota and New Mexico, and we're going to California and Texas and New York. And we're going to South Dakota and Oregon and Washington and Michigan. And then we're going to Washington, D.C. to take back the White House."

Then he let out a strange, extended, yelp that seemed to come from deep within him: "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

Look at him! Is that not Barney Rubble on a two week crystal-methamphetamine binge?

But, remember... Iowa really doesn't mean anything. Watch the press run with this. It will be fun!

Too foxy

Fox, the US network whose sexploitation shows have included Temptation Island, Fastlane, Skin and Melrose Place, has drawn the line at a wildlife documentary featuring koalas and kangaroos in flagrante delicto.

Wild Sex, a documentary submitted by the National Geographic Society, has been deemed unsuitable, reports The Washington Post.

"As you know, this show is scheduled for family fare and, as such, we want to make sure that we do not sensationalise or show explicit sexual activity among our four-legged primates," Cheryl McDowell, Fox's director of broadcast standards and practices, informed Michael Rosenfeld, National Geographic's senior executive producer, in a letter.

"As you can imagine, 'mounting' or graphically sexual movements would be problematic."

Oh man. This one is too easy. I'll just let you insert your own joke here!! :)

Keep yammering you freak!

"Never before have we been more powerful militarily. But even the most powerful nation in history must bring other nations to our side to meet common dangers."  Wrong. The most powerful doesn't need help. Your plastic surgeon could use a hand though.

"The president's policies do not reflect that. He has pursued a go-it-alone foreign policy that leaves us isolated abroad..... " Once again, the definition of go-it-alone means without France and Germany. WE DIDN'T GO ALONE!!!! 60 other nations are there with us!

"The president led us into the Iraq war on the basis of unproven assertions without evidence; he embraced a radical doctrine of pre-emptive war unprecedented in our history; and he failed to build a true international coalition."

Forget it. I can't go on. This is so asinine. Just keep it up democrats. Let your retarded speak for you. EVERYONE is listening and,outside of your little circle, no one is buying it. That B.S. isn't flying with Americans anymore! My God!! Want to talk about going at it alone! That is what you freaks are doing! YOU ARE AN IDIOT, lady! She also talked about the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction. ummm.... the weapons of mass destruction that they are saying he doesn't have. Which is it? Man oh man. Bye bye. 

When he finally stopped the sword, the blade was a mere half-inch from Cruise's neck, Sanada told reporters Thursday through a translator while promoting the film in Taipei.

BROADVIEW HEIGHTS _ Police arrested two men at about 2 a.m. Jan. 5 for assaulting each other during an argument over why their beer had run out.

One of the men, who is blind, said he and his friend had been drinking at the home, which belongs to his parents, because the other man reportedly was having problems with a girlfriend.

One of the men appeared to have a broken nose, but both refused medical treatment.

Alcohol ... the cause of, and solution to, all of life's little problems! How drunk do you have to be to lose a fight with a blind man?????? You might be seeing double, but he is seeing nothing. What is the over under on getting your ass kicked by a guy who can't even see you? 

Women In Suit Claim Coroner Reused Body Bags

In a lawsuit filed against Adams County, three former county coroner employees said they were forced to use and reuse body bags. The same three women have filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against the county but they also claim the Adams County Coroner's Office used, washed, and reused body bags regularly.

"When you reused them you would bring them into another home and possibly contaminate that home and bring it, put another body in it, bring it back out and use them again and again," said plaintiff Michelle Lombardi.

Ahhh shut your pie hole, lady!! The customers never complained. Add the sexual harassment suit and it sounds to me like the only bag being reused was you!

Streakers Stranded At Denny's When Car, Clothes Stolen

SPOKANE, Wash. -- Three young men wore only hats, shoes and frowns Wednesday morning after an attempt to breakfast in the buff at a Spokane Denny's restaurant. A thief ruined the streakers' prank by driving off in their getaway car -- with the clothes inside.

Police arrived at the parking lot to discover the men huddled behind cars in the 20-degree weather.

Man, I wish my brother and his friends would find full time jobs!

Before nodding off, the would-be dreamer is supposed to look at a photo of what he or she wants to dream about and then record the story-line on the $140 machine.

Using the voice recording as well as lights, music and aromas, the machine stimulates sleepers during periods of rapid eye movement (REM) sleep and helps them direct their own dreams, the company says.

After eight hours, it wakes them up gradually with music and lights that simulate sunlight, avoiding any shock that could destroy fragile memories.

hmm... I would definitely buy this thing, if only just to see my dreams of Peter and my shovel come true. I think I could do without the "aroma" part though.  I mean, the man is a walking  A-hole. Who would want to have that aroma floating around during their dreams?

Topless passenger declared flight 'next 9-11'

Passengers on a Virgin Blue flight last week from Hobart to Melbourne endured a 50-minute tirade by a woman who stripped topless and ranted the flight was the next September 11, according to a witness. A passenger on board the flight, known only as Ellie, told Melbourne radio station 3AW the woman "absolutely went psycho" as flight DJ 145 taxied onto the runway last Thursday night.

"She wanted to get off the plane and she just said: 'We have to stop, we have to stop, we're all going to die, this is the next 9/11 ... you can't let this plane take off'," Ellie said. Ellie said the passengers applauded when they touched down in Melbourne, and three or four security guards boarded the plane and whisked the woman away.

Stripped topless, huh? Hey, if she was hot, I'd say "fly the friendly skies"!! Know what I mean?

Plus, I wouldn't be worried about terrorism at all. I'd be thinking -- man, if we just had a midget with some citrus flavored vodka, we would have ourselves a freaking party!!!    

GORE TO WARN OF 'GLOBAL WARMING'

Al Gore gave a speech on 'global warming' in New York Thursday night at the historic Beacon Theatre. Just so you guys know.... He gave the speech on 'global warming' on the freaking coldest night that New York has seen in over a decade!!! Not to mention the wind chill in Boston was 100 degrees below zero! Hello?

Ya know, I bet... ahh never mind. I'll save that thought for another time.

I'm sure he explained how the extreme cold was due to the WARMING! I hear ya, Al! What is next? A speech on droughts from the roof of a house that is about to be swallowed up by a flood?

A 20-year-old man was released from the Fulton County Jail early Saturday, and county officials say he didn't even leave the jail property before committing a crime.

Police believe that Nathaniel Lee Stanley, 20, carjacked a woman's sport utility vehicle in the jail parking lot and sped away, according to Fulton Sheriff's Lt. Clarence Huber. The 1996 Ford Explorer was found several hours later on Carr Street N.W., a short distance from the jail. Atlanta police were looking for Stanley on Saturday evening.

Look at this freak! Just one question. If you managed to get him and his banjo into a cage, why in God's name would you ever let him out??  My God, man! Can we pass a law to keep people like the ones who produced him from bringing corn whiskey and lingerie to family reunions??!?!

According to the police report, Dumouchel called Charter to stop his cable service in August of 1999 and was taken off the billing but not the cable service.

Ok. I want to stop this right here! This guy is suing because he got FREE CABLE!!! Can you believe that? That is just.... never mind.. read on..

Timothy Dumouchel of West Bend wants $5,000 or three computers, and a lifetime supply of free Internet service from Charter Communications to settle what he says will be a small claims suit.... blames Charter for his TV addiction, his wife’s 50-pound weight gain and his children’s being “lazy channel surfers,” according to a Fond du Lac police report.

Huh? Give me $5,000 or 3 computers with a lifetime supply of internet service???  What?? Can I be the attorney for Charter here? Here is what you do. Go buy these ingrates three $500 computers and give them a lifetime hook up to the net. They will never use it and besides, they will all die from a sugar overload in a couple of years after they sue Hostess and get some kind of out of court settlement for one dump truck full of Twinkies. 

.... plans to sue because his cable connection remained intact four years after he tried to get it canceled. “I believe that the reason I smoke and drink every day and my wife is overweight is because we watched TV every day for the last four years,” Dumouchel stated.

"Some of us drink because we are not poets!"

In a written statement, he said he put the family TV in the basement in 1999 after he had called to get cable disconnected, but soon thereafter, his wife had moved it back and hooked up the cable connection, and it still worked. He stated he “made a deal” with her that “she could watch TV as long as the cable worked.”

Sad! Can I say, if we are going to spend $87 billion on something ... shouldn't it be on chlorine for our nations gene pool??

Man Arrested For Urinating On Truck's Windshield

Police in Tacoma say they spotted a young man standing on the hood of the truck, peeing on the windshield. The Tacoma News Tribune reports the driver told officers his friend was helping to "unfog" his windshield. The 23-year-old man was jailed for public urination and for having two outstanding misdemeanor warrants.

Come on, who amongst us? Huh? hahahaha  A shovel works pretty good too!

Aging Elephant Gets Fitted For Life-Saving Dentures

BANGKOK, Thailand -- An aging elephant in Thailand has gotten a new lease on life after a vet fitted the animal with custom-made dentures, a newspaper reported Wednesday.

WOOPS!! By the headline I thought this was going to be a story about Rosanne Barr visiting her dentist!

How about that freaky little Thailand, huh? Gotta love a country that offers better dental plans to the pachyderms than they do their people! 

Couple sues Wal-Mart over broken grocery bag

A Mt. Pleasant Township couple wants Wal-Mart to pay for foot and toe injuries they claim were caused by canned goods and condiments that tumbled from an overfilled plastic grocery bag.

The bag, which contained a 32-ounce jar of Miracle Whip, a 46-ounce bottle of ketchup, three 15-ounce cans of fruit, an 18-ounce bottle of ranch dressing and a 12-ounce bottle of mustard, broke open when the Sagers returned home and started to put away their groceries.

Obviously these two are health nuts!

Sagers contend Wal-Mart was at fault for her injuries. The store, they claim, failed to properly instruct and train its employees to correctly bag products, ... and placed Brenda Sager in a "position of peril."

POSITION OF PERIL!?? <laughing too hard to comment!>

She is seeking damages in excess of $30,000. Her husband also is seeking that amount in damages, claiming that as a result of his wife's injuries he has been deprived of her attention and comfort and suffered a loss of consortium.

If he actually suffered from a "loss of consortium" then we can only come to one conclusion. We are dealing with two freaks who have a foot fetish. Toe suckers!  Will we get toe suckers rights out of this suit?

This is after that enormous load asked, of President Bush, 'what did he know and when did he know it'. GRIP!!!!! My question for Michael swallow-Moore.... how could Wendy's have plotted so perfectly the expansion of your ass with the simple concept of "SUPER SIZING"?

WHAP! Have a great weekend!!

SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - A federal appeals court on Monday upheld a Utah artist's right to make nude photos of Barbie dolls being menaced by kitchen appliances.

Noting the image of Barbie dolls is "ripe for social comment," a three judge panel of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals rejected toymaker Mattel Inc.'s appeal of a lower court ruling in favor of lampooning the popular doll.

The artist had argued that the photo series, which also included a photo of Barbie dolls wrapped in tortillas and covered in salsa in a casserole dish in a lit oven, was meant to critique the "objectification of women" and "beauty myth" associated with the popular doll.

Again with that whacky 9th circus court!

But, that isn't the story here! The real story is that this guy is being called an "artist"!! Michelangelo must be spinning in his grave like a flywheel on crystal methamphetamine laced rocket fuel at what is being hung in the art galleries today! Maybe I am nuts, but wasn't there a day when you actually had to have talent to be an artist? Did you, or did you not, need to posses the ability to actually paint, draw, or at the very least be functionally literate with a Polaroid camera to actually be referred to as an artesian?

This is just more of the contamination of  the liberal mindset in todays world. In the liberals minds, you can call yourself what you want. It makes no difference if your ability in no way coincides with the actual definition of what you are professing to be. Just slap that moniker on your chest and they will use emotion to give credence to the title.

People who couldn't paint something as simple as a red square on a red canvass are allowed to basically spill paint all over whatever is sitting in front of them and  the "art critics" will inform us of the prodigious amount of feeling cultivated by that "work".

Then they will turn around and look down their noses at us when we don't see the corpulent amount of movement and emotion and talent in the so-called "work". 

Truth be told. More often than not, to most of us the work appears to be something that was involuntarily expelled from our stomachs, onto the kitchen floor, after we drank 50 gallons of those funny colored sweet wine coolers.  

Wrapping a Barbie in a tortilla? Please!!!!!!!  If the idiot had snapped every single shot with the lens cap on it still would have made a gallery somewhere in the academia of the modern arts and those idiots would be standing around in droves sipping their double latte anal-cranial espressos, pensively touching their chins in moronic marvel.

The amazing thing is, they think we are idiots for not recognizing the "feeling and movement" of the pieces of crap...errr... I mean, pieces of art that they admire.

But, think about it.... there are people sitting around in straight jackets staring at 4 white walls who see the same emotion and feeling in the work of the virtuoso who conceived the gallery they get to look at every day. And, I bet they would like to expound on the "feeling" that artist was trying to convey.     Get the shovel!

Earth Seems To Be Spinning Back On Schedule

BOULDER, Colo. -- The Earth is spinning right on schedule for a fifth straight year -- and that has scientists scratching their heads. Experts generally agree the rate at which the Earth spins on its axis has slowed ever so slightly for millennia. To make the world's official time agree with where the Earth actually is, scientists in 1972 started adding a "leap second." .....scientists aren't sure why the Earth is suddenly on schedule. Possible explanations include the tides, weather and changes in the Earth's core, he said.

Want to know the Gods honest truth about this? They can't prove this and NO ONE would care if they could! Leap year, leap second... why don't you leap off of a very tall building. The sun goes up and the sun goes down. We pay our bills at the end of the month and watch the "ball" drop at the end of the year.

 None of our watches, clocks or VCRs keep the correct time for more than a few months at a stretch, so why in the world should we think these guys would be able to keep the time for THE FREAKING EARTH!!! If you guys can make an alarm clock that I don't have to reset every other month, I might listen to you! My God!

A little secret to you shovelers.... if you want to insure that you can make a living doing nothing, find a way to become an "expert" on something that no one can prove or disprove. <i.e. global warming or THE EARTH SPINNING!>  You can just sit around and stair at charts that mean nothing to you or anyone else and then have the idiots in the press wait for you to utter some sagacious snippet.

Sorry, I need a little quality time with my shovel.  See ya Friday!