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Friday, 30, 2004
WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU GUYS
DOING UP THERE'
Here is a nice little rant from the DNC convention
director, and it was heard world wide on CNN. WHAP! I just think it is
perfect!
'Go balloons, go balloons! Go balloons! I don't see anything happening. Go
balloons! Go balloons! Go balloons! Standby confetti. Keep coming, balloons.
More balloons. Bring it- balloons, balloons, balloons! We want balloons,
tons of them. Bring them down. Let them all come. No confetti. No confetti
yet. 
'No confetti. All right, go balloons, go balloons. We need more balloons.
All balloons! All balloons! Keep going! Come on, guys, lets move it. Jesus!
We need more balloons. I want all balloons to go, goddammit. Go confetti. Go
confetti. More confetti. I want more balloons. What's happening to the
balloons? We need more balloons.
'We need all of them coming down. Go balloons- balloons? What's happening
balloons? There's not enough coming down! All balloons, what the hell!
There's nothing falling! What the fuck are you guys doing up there? We want
more balloons coming down, more balloons. More balloons. More balloons'...
Michael Moore was heard
shouting, "More triple cheese burgers!"
Alaska Volcano Stirs From 12-Year Slumber
In a related story a Democrat who was inspired by Kerry's speech applied for
a job for the first time in 12 years.
Mount Spurr is showing some life these days, 12 years after the volcano last
erupted. The Alaska Volcano Observatory this week raised its official level of
concern to yellow, signifying an eruption is possible in the next few weeks.
France surrendered when they heard that. Michael Moore got out a big spoon
and said he hopes that it spews gravy.
Runaway cows crush commuters car
This is a funny little
story from the UK. A woman had her car trampled by a herd of runaway cows.
"I was just driving
along when all of a sudden these cows came hurtling out of a garden and flew
over the car then crashed on to the road on the other side."
John Kerry phoned the
woman to offer her his sympathies and let her know that he can relate to her
experience because he served in Vietnam. Tom Arnold also phoned to let her know
that he knew what is was like to deal with a rampaging cow!
Have
a great weekend!
Thursday, 29, 2004
Brawl
breaks out over a case of beer
A
fight broke out when one group of guys tried to take a case of beer from
another group of guys at a park in Oceanside, Calf.
One officer held
the truck driver at gunpoint while another officer tackled fleeing men one
after another, taking them into custody.
The beer thieves
hit three of their victims in the head with beer bottles. One actually had
to be taken to the hospital. Three of the four robbers were detained for
questioning and booked on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon and
robbery.
One question. What
are all these Kennedy's doing in California while the Democratic convention
is in full swing in Boston?
Wrong car bears the brunt of
woman's rage
In a rage against
her husband, a woman took a hammer to the car parked outside his flat - only
to learn that it belonged to a neighbor, German police said on Tuesday.
It was only after the 43-year-old woman had smashed windows, lights and a
side mirror that she learned of her mistake.
She now faces charges of disturbing the peace and malicious destruction of
private property.
That is the full
story, guys. So no need for a link. Not very good reporting, huh? I'm
guessing she thought the car belonged to a mistress. Shouldn't it be 'their'
flat, not 'his' flat? I mean, if she is the wife? Those Germans are just
goofy. Ted Kennedy said he would have just dumped the car in a river.
Michael Moore said he would have traded it for a bag of butter soaked, ham
stuffed marshmallows.
Spielberg shapes Dems' Kerry
biopic
Steven Spielberg
may not be in Boston, but he has had a hand behind the scenes on the John
Kerry biopic material to be screened at the Democratic confab.
Confab?
 What
is that? Confab? Is it a convention or a conference? Or confab? John Kerry
biopic? I think a better suited word would be myopic! WHAP!
This is a non story, but what the hell, I might as well put it up. Just
look at the picture. Can't you just hear him saying, "Move to the left a
little...ok... a little more to the left... a little more to the
left..... a little more to the left. Ok now lie... lie! LIE!"
Killer whale turns on trainer
Michael Moore is
apparently off his meds! No word as to the extent of Ted Kennedy's injuries.
Hahahhaaa.
A killer
whale has attacked its trainer during a show at a Texas theme park, as
several thousand stunned spectators looked on. During an afternoon
performance in the whale pool at San Antonio Sea World, a young male whale
named Ky started pushing his trainer, Steve under water. Mr Aibel was not
hurt in the incident, which lasted several minutes.
We will keep a
watch on this. Me thinks Michael had too much sugar! Ok. I'm just being
stupid! Hmmmm.... come to think of it....Could you actually call Michael
Moore's agent an animal trainer? Maybe a pig farmer?
Wednesday, 28, 2004
Olympic Security Web, Defense Missiles in Place
Athens' Olympic
security umbrella, including dozens of armed Patriot defense missiles and
hundreds of surveillance cameras, started operating Tuesday, as organizers
prepare to safeguard next month's Games.
They have almost 300 closed-circuit cameras to watch the main avenues.
They also had three police helicopters and a Zeppelin airship, equipped with
more surveillance cameras that hovered over the capital. No word on whether
they were playing 'Stairway to Heaven.'
They have Patriot missiles all around the Olympic Village. Thank you
President Reagan! The Patriot comes through again! Don't look for the
terrorist to hit here though. It is not their typical M.O. Is there a shovel
competition in the Olympics?
Bean town bash, media mosh pit
Though broadcast networks may be scaling back coverage of the Democratic
National Convention, media presence is so vast it may all but smother the
proceedings. For the first time, members of the press are expected to
outnumber delegates by a ratio of 3-to-1.
For the first time? My Shovel! I have to call B.S. on that. The press has
been rabidly outnumbering delegates for years!! Ever watch a press
conference? Hello??!!!??? WHAP!!! We all know that and some reporter just
admitted it in a way. He will probably be fired. The media doesn't go out
to report news, they go out to try and make it. It has been that way for
YEARS!!
..... the opening today at Boston's Fleet Center, will be covered by a
hybrid band of Internet blogs,
<HEY!!! Blogs...That
is us, guys!!! hehheheheee >
broadcast and cable TV
news nets, foreign media outlets, local news departments and even a new ABC
News digital subchannel.....
This story is
pretty boring, but the Shovel will keep an eye on it. This convention is
going to be a --- well for one thing, an attempt to rewrite history. But it
will also be a freak show and I think that Michael Moore will out eat
everyone by 3 to 1 in hot dogs.
Argument Over Game of Chess Ends Ugly
Dateline, Louisiana! You just have to love those crazy Cajuns! Two guys got
into an argument over a game of chess and it ended with a fight where one
guy rammed the other's head through a plate-glass window! I guess he didn't
have his shovel on him. John Kerry filed for a purple heart and Michael
Moore asked if he could get some honey mustard dressing to dip his fingers
in.
Robert Henderson, 42, emerged from the broken window with several serious
lacerations, deputies said. He was released after treatment at Northshore
Regional Medical Center, Hartman said.
I think Justin Wilson - the greatest Cajun to ever grace this planet - would
have put it this way - 'Reckon he done went and got the hell beat out of
himself, I guarantee!'
Tuesday, 27, 2004
USA TODAY SPIKES ANN COULTER
COLUMN AT CONVENTION
USA Today editors have spiked a daily convention
column they commissioned from conservative controversialist Ann Coulter, the
DRUDGE REPORT has learned.
Coulter filed her first report from Boston Sunday night, only to be told
hours later that editors found it "unusable" and "not funny."
"Apparently no one at USA TODAY had ever read Ann Coulter before!" Coulter,
who has sold nearly a million copies of her various works and his written a
syndicated column for five years, said from Boston.
The story also says that USA TODAY has already hired Michael i want to eat
Moore to write for the Republican convention. Hmmm..... imagine that? What
do you want to bet that nothing he writes will get spiked? Ann is too good
looking to be around those Democrats anyway. The Shovel has also learned
that Lance Armstrong won't be attending the Democrat convention. Not because
he is exhausted from the bike race, but just because he is only half nuts!!
This convention is
going to be a freak show, so grab your cotton candy and popcorn and sit back
and enjoy! Click the link to read Ann's column.
Teresa's
Ted K tirade
Teresa Heinz Kerry, years before becoming a Democrat, railed against the
party's ``putrid'' politics, said she didn't trust Sen. Edward M. Kennedy
and angrily called the liberal lion a ``perfect bastard.''
I am sure this
story will be ignored like a redheaded step child!
Kerry
throws curve, tosses out first pitch
In a move planned
secretly a week ago, John Kerry arrived in Boston on Sunday night to throw
out the first pitch at a Red Sox-Yankees game
as Democrats prepared to open the convention that will nominate him for
president.
Blah, blah......
the ball didn't even reach the plate. It hit the dirt a few feet in front of
the catcher. Kerry immediately filed for a purple heart.
Monday, 26, 2004
Shrimp shells help save soldiers'
lives
Michael Moore has
vowed to increase his intake from 10 pounds a day to - can I swallow the
ocean so that none of you guys will ever be able to help the military again!
Jackass! Sean Penn asked for some cocktail sauce. hehhehe Sorry...
anyway -
Army doctors are
planning to make a new "band aide", from chitosan. Chitosan is a substance
that is found in shrimp shells and it just happens to control hemorrhaging.
Which just happens to be the primary cause of deaths out in the field. We
need to look into this for our boys! Give them anything that they need!
As the company
steps up production for the military, it's exploring other chitosan products
for the Army as well as for private medicine, including an implantable
bandage. But HemCon's current focus is on meeting military obligations for
the 4-inch-square external bandages, Morgan said.
As it should be!
Copyright Bill to Kill
Tech?
The Senate Judiciary Committee will consider a bill
Thursday that would hold technology companies liable for any product they
make that encourages people to steal copyright materials.
Again with congress
wanting to blame everyone but the person who is actually responsible! And
guess who introduced this bill. That jackass Orrin Hatch. We just had a
story about him wanting to control email. This freak is a power hungry nut
job! And he is a Republican! What are you people in Utah thinking? Get him
out of there!!
This line of the
story really blows my mind.
The legislation
would hold a company liable that "intentionally induces" a person to
infringe copyright.
Ok. That is
flat-out absurd! "Intentionally induces"? So - following that logic are we
going to hold a rape victim responsible because the tank top that she was
wearing was intentionally inducing to the rapist? It is her fault, she
should have known better? WHAP!! These morons on the hill need to be
shoveled down. If we don't stop them personal responsibility is going to
become our nations 'hot potato' that we just toss back and forth.
This picture haunts me!!!
Shovelers, we need a caption for this picture.
Free T-shirt for the best one.
Go
to the message board!
Blue Jays' Delgado Protests War
in Iraq
Carlos Delgado
needs to have an intimate encounter with our shovels! Don't get me wrong
here, I am totally for free speech -- even for the retarded mongoloids among
us. But this guy is a Puerto Rican who is making millions because of our
great nation so he needs to get with the program or go back to whence he
came.
He refuses to stand
when "God Bless America" is played. It isn't that big of a deal in most
stadiums across our country because most of them only play it on certain
days, so he hasn't had many chances to express his snot sucking idiocy that
often, and even when he did it went largely unnoticed.
Yankee Stadium is
different though. Since Sept. 11, God Bless America has been played during
every game that has been played in that stadium. And that is a good thing.
So, Yankee fans, through New York sports columns, got word of what this guy
was doing and what he thought. They saw quotes like,
"It's a very
terrible thing that happened on Sept. 11. It's (also) a terrible thing that
happened in Afghanistan and Iraq," Delgado said at the time.
WHAP!!!!! He is
trying to compare our nation being attacked with us defending ourselves?
Idiot! I understand how this guy thinks and I go into it in detail in my
book, "Why morons feel the need to tell us what they think"
Anyway, I had to
pull this line out of the article because this is the glaring left wing bent
of the story. These lefties just can't help themselves!
Delgado was greeted
with scattered boos each time he batted — no telling whether that was
related to his off-the-field opinions, or his status as an opposing star.
What? No telling
whether the boos were related to his off field opinions?? Only one member of
the opposing team gets consistently booed and this stupid reporter actually
tries to cast doubt as to why? WHAP!! See what we are dealing with guys?
They get their slant in there even if it is so slight.
Edwards Suggests World
Leaders Want Bush To Lose
"Just a few weeks ago...I was in Brussels at
NATO meeting with a whole group of NATO ambassadors and hearing their
perspective on this. I just believe that these countries around the world,
whose cooperation and alliances we need, believe that in order for them to
have a fresh start with America, we're going to need a new president to do
that. Now, they're not going to want to say this very vocally......"
Well, John, if they
aren't going to say it vocally then how are they going to say it? Hmmmm...
maybe with illegal campaign money to your coffers? What does he mean by
fresh start? What the hell does that mean?
This is exactly why
these two idiots are going to loose. We were attacked, we defended ourselves
and this jackass thinks we need to start over with all these other
countries! Completely WRONG! We are making their little worlds safer. They
need to stand up and try to make a fresh start with us. Like maybe saying,
"Thank you! What can we do to help out?"
One other thing! In
essence, this putz just said that the will of NATO should be considered more
important than the will of the American people when it comes to who will be
President
of OUR Untied States! Fresh
start? That is sick and sad.
Look at that
picture! He is just begging to have a shovel sent full swing against his
dome! That whole gesture just screams, "This is total B.S.!" or him
begging France to accept his surrender! Tom Cruse is going to play this guy
in a movie one day!
McDonald's Profit Up 25 Percent
McDonald's Corp. on
Thursday said earnings rose 25 percent on its strongest second-quarter sales
growth since 1987......
In a related story
Michael Moore gained another 25 pounds.
Anyway, they are
claiming that the increase in earnings is
because of their new salad menus. And I think that is true because, after
all, to days moms like fast food but they also want to be slim. So they can
let the kids eat the crap and they can have a salad. Hmmm.... WHAP!
The company is also crediting the earnings to the fact that most of the
restaurants are now open later. Which means that Michael Moore can stop by
for breakfast, lunch, dinner, a mid evening snack and that little late night
meal we call, "my huge gut needs sustenance."
Second-quarter net
income increased to $591 million, or 47 cents a share, from $471 million, or
37 cents a share, in the year-ago period. Before the release of preliminary
results, analysts on average had been expecting profit of 44 cents a share,
according to Reuters Estimates.
Its the economy
stupid!
'NOTAG' tags bring flood of
tickets
This guy wanted to get a vanity tag for his motorcycle and he wanted "NOTAG"
because he thought it would be funny.
 Well,
it seems his local government workers were too stupid to get the joke. < a
stupid government employee?> No way!
The idiots at the
DMV sent this guy over 200 letters demanding payment of outstanding parking
tickets. Why? They just saw unpaid tickets stating -- , 'Notice of
violation. License number:
no tag,'
Your government at
work, guys!
Sutherland's Strip Wows Small-Town
Crowd
Kiefer Sutherland stunned a group of small-town New Zealand women with an
impromptu strip routine at a club in the North Island community of Raetihi.
The story says that he took off his socks and his shirt, which he waved
around over his head. It is reported that he did this during a Tom Jones
song. Well, hey, come on guys, who among us, huh? Tom Jones' tunes always
put me in the mood to strip! Or stick a large sock or cucumber into the
crotch area of my pants.
Apparently he was a little buzzed and stumbled into the Cosmopolitan Club,
where a group of women were watching an all male revue - the Men of Steel.
He was quickly ushered off of the stage, slathered in apple butter and fed
to Michael Moore.
I have been looking at the poll numbers between President Bush and Kerry.
Pay no attention to them. Wait until the end of August. The numbers will
change and President Bush will pull ahead to stay.
Have a great weekend guys!
Thursday, 22, 2004
Liquid bandage sticks
woman's foot to floor
I guess someone put
Superglue in 3M's liquid bandage because it stuck this lady to the floor.
She used it to treat a crack on her heel and the next thing she knew, she
was stuck and couldn't get her foot up. She didn't notice it until her
grandson came in the room and asked for some breakfast. Her heel wouldn't
budge.
It took
paramedics over an hour and a bottle of baby oil to free her.
Oddly enough that
is the same procedure that is used to get Michael Moore out of his jeans.
The 3M people offered to pay for her medical expenses. We all know that they
offered to pay just so they could keep John Edwards from suing the spider
snot out of 3M!
Wisconsin man injured while
flipping off trains
This is pretty
funny, guys. This old man was injured when a train's gas tank clipped his
wheelchair because he was sitting too close to the tracks. He rolls out
there to flip the trains off because he hates the trains loud horns.
"He told police he
puts himself where train crews can see him - engineers and conductors
consider him a regular - and makes obscene gestures because he is frustrated
by their loud horns."
He was treated for
abrasions and released. Inside Shovel sources report that John Kerry called
him to let him know that he can stand far away and just say, "F*** YOU!"
Michael Moore called to say,"F*** those capitalist pigs!" and to ask if
there was any Ravioli on the train.
Drinking those cool Krispy Kremes
These guys are
introducing a new line of frozen drinks that will include a frozen version
of the original kreme doughnut. Hmmmm... drinking doughnuts. I wonder if
Homer Simpson will be their spokesman.
Anyway, Atkins
really hurt these guys!! Their stock fell more that 45 percent because
everyone went on low-carb diets. It was crushing. The drinks will sell, and
the stock will go back up, but it will be a fad.
Atkins is a fad. It
is a reoccurring fad and always will be, but it is a fad none the less. Just
like all diets.
The drinks are
available in 3 cup sizes -- 12-ounce, 16-ounce and 20-ounce -- and the
suggested retail prices vary from $2.79 for the small size drink to $3.99
for the large size.
They didn't mention
what the Kennedy sized drink would cost! Maybe a life?
Wednesday, 21, 2004
'This tune is in the key of F -
as in U'
"....You're not going to have to look for us
on vacation. You're going to find us working for America."
That is a quote from
Kerry at a campaign rally in Ohio. Hmmm....Find you working, huh? This guy
has missed more than 80% of the votes in the Senate this year. Is that what
old ketchup boy calls working? I think this guy should give up the
presidential race and enter the Kentucky Derby! Horse faced freak! .
Elburn man accused of having sex
with dog
Couldn't you accuse
Madonna's husband of the same thing? Sorry. Anyway, what are they putting in
the drinking water up there in Illinois? An Elburn man was charged this week
with having sex with a dog. This is sick
According to
a news release, he was charged with one count of placing a bottle in the
anus of a female pitbull/boxer mix for sexual arousal, and a second count of
placing his penis in the dog's anus for sexual arousal.
On second thought,
guys. I am sorry that I put this story up.
Tuesday, 20, 2004
Police Arrest Cheese-Covered
Naked Man
How many freaks do
we have in this world, guys? This idiot was arrested for stealing cheese snacks
from a concession stand at a community pool. He was drunk and the police
said they caught him running naked to his jeep - where they also found a half
empty bottle of vodka. 
The cops said that
they found cheese in his hair, on his face and on his shoulders.
Michael Moore, who
was salivating like an Ethiopian who'd just seen their first Big Mac,
pleaded-- "Let me lick him! Please just let me lick him!"
Vodka and cheese. I
wonder if he is Russian?
Vegas Casino Boots Singer Linda
Ronstadt
The left are
loosing their grip, guys. And this is going to be a freak show riot to
watch!
"Singer Linda
Ronstadt not only got booed, she got the boot after lauding filmmaker
Michael Moore and his new movie "Fahrenheit 9/11" during a performance at
the Aladdin hotel-casino. Before singing "Desperado" for an encore Saturday
night, the 58-year-old rocker called Moore a "great American patriot" and
"someone who is spreading the truth." She also encouraged everybody to see
the documentary about President Bush. Ronstadt's comments drew loud boos and
some of the 4,500 people in attendance stormed out of the theater.
Hey Linda....
"great American Patriot"? He is a socialist and he hates this country, he
makes no attempts to obfuscate that fact. I have a shovel - polished and
sitting in the corner - just for him! You liberals are just -- hell, how
else can I put it --- DAMNED IDIOTS! Patriot? Just shut up! He is a
lard bag who would be watching the timer on a fry machine if it weren't for
the libs in the press. He is not a patriot! He hates everything that this
country stands for, even though he doesn't mind capitalizing on it. What a
jackass!!!!
Just watch, guys.
The left is coming apart at the seems. Why? Because they are embracing views
of the likes of Michael 'I think I need to eat' Moore! This is going
to be fun to watch! Trust me! We will keep an eye on it.
Lies about stunted penis-sizes
to stop Swedish kids from smoking
This is absurd and
these idiots just don't get it.
The Swedish
organization A Non Smoking Generation covered Stockholm in posters claiming
that smoking stunts penis growth and that cigarette filters are filled with
mouse excrements, along with other lies aimed at getting kids to stop
smoking.
"We wanted to raise
awareness about how the tobacco industry always promotes its products --
through lies," head of the organization Anne-Therese Enarsson told AFP.
How do they lie? I
don't think I have seen a cigarette ad claiming that it would meet all of
you daily nutritional needs. Most of the ads are sexy types of ads. That is
nothing but true. All guys know, when you are at the bar, if you want easy
you look for the chick that is smoking.
"Our lies are so
exaggerated that we hope they will make people stop and think, and then come
to our website to find the truth," she added.
Ok. That flies in
the face of logic. Let me lie to you so I can convince you to let me tell
you the truth? Asinine!! People have too much time on their hands. I
know you guys were expecting me to make a joke about the penis size aspect
of this. Sorry. I just found that to be moronic. Although I guess Michael
Moore's mom didn't smoke because she produced a HUGE D**K!
Debunking Fahrenheit 9/11
For months,
many have anticipated the debut of Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11. What
would he say? What would he uncover? What new theory would he attempt to
convince the public of, by cutting and pasting strips of footage, as he did
in Bowling for Columbine and Roger and Me? I had heard about many of the
phony claims and conspiracy theories to occur in Fahrenheit 9/11. And I knew
that sooner or later, I would be forced to debate one of the many automatons
who had been indoctrinated by his socialist propaganda. I knew, however,
that I couldn’t critique a movie that I had not seen without being
disingenuous. So I strapped on my Bush gear and headed toward the theatre to
watch the quasi communist in action.
That is the opening
paragraph of a rant from a 17 year old girl. It is worth you time when you
can get a chance to read it.
That is it for today! You local guys get out there and VOTE!!!
Monday, 19, 2004
Man Allegedly Leaves Heroin in
Rental Car
This idiot returned
his rental car
and some how forgot about the 88 bags of heroin he had with him. Whap! I
wonder why? He also forgot his wallet, which the police used to help find
him. The heroin was found under some napkins in the car's console.
The story doesn't
say if he is a John Kerry supporter or not, but...he had been released from a New Jersey prison in April after
serving time for heroin distribution.
"Enterprise spokesman Lee Broughton said
people often leave bizarre things in rental cars, but this was the first
time he had heard of heroin."
He also added that
Michael Moore once left a lard omelet under the passengers side seat.
Goblin Shark
The Goblin Shark has a shovel-like snout, flabby body, and a tail with a
weakly developed lower lobe. This species grows to 3.8m in length. It is not considered dangerous to humans.
Sorry, guys. This
story is flat out boring stuff! I just put it in because it said that the
shark had a "shovel-like" snout. heheheeee Wouldn't it be cool
if one went midday buffet on Peter Jennings?
Cursing on cell phone starts bagel-shop bruhaha
This story
starts...
The cell phone age is a tough time to be a Good Samaritan. Lunch at a St. Paul bagel shop turned into a tussle over a cellular phone
when two 70-something citizens tried to teach a younger man a lesson in
civility Thursday. All three ended up with citations for disorderly conduct.
"You know, there were about 15 people in there and some children and this
person, if he stood in the corner and talked in his cell phone, that would
be one thing, but he actually walked among the tables, pacing and talking
loudly and you could tell he annoyed a lot of people," said Gerfast, of
Mendota Heights.
If they had only
had their shovels on them! They could have shut this down real quick.
Anyway, this is my favorite line from the story.
He was met with a round of obscenities, according to a police report,
that would have made Vice President Dick Cheney blush.
What in the hell is
that? No bias, huh? hahahhaa
Would it
have made John F-ing Kerry blush? Anyway, no punches were thrown, but this
40 year old jackass was shut up by the 70 year olds. Shovel up a salute!!
.
Thursday, 15, 2004
YIKES!!!!!!!!!
Is that not one
scary looking mug? !!! ?? If that power hungry psycho were to ever get into
The Oval Office America as we know it would be gone forever. Hilary has no
aspirations to lead this country - she wants to rule it! Just damn! Modern
day Democrats are like that though, they could care less about governing,
they want to rule.
Anyway, the press
is trying to make a big deal about the fact that John Kerry asked Hillary to
speak and introduce President Clinton on the first night of the Democratic
National Convention. The story claims that Kerry chose her to end an intense
lobbying campaign by Hillary's backers that were angered by her non-speaking
role. The truth is he did it because the Clintons told him to, or else they
would go Vince Foster on him.
Make no
mistake about it, guys. The Clintons will smile and shake hands with Kerry,
but they are going to make sure that he is not elected. Just watch. It won't
be obvious, but I will point it out to you as it happens.
What the hell, how
about a caption for this horrendous picture too?
Go
to the message board!
Returning soldiers ride
first-class
"Eight soldiers flying
home from Iraq for two weeks of R&R flew in style instead of coach after
first-class passengers offered to swap seats with them."
The press treats
this story as news because they just don't understand that all of us would
have done the exact same thing. This isn't news. Well, I take that back. It
is, but it isn't in the way that they are reporting it.
It is news that our
soldiers are coming home safe and sound, it is not news that we stand up and
welcome them with open arms. WHAP!!!! Have you shoveled your local reporter
today? I hate the press!
Soccer Team to Wear 'Spider Man
2' Jerseys
A soccer team in
Madrid is going to wear navy-blue jerseys with a huge "Spider-Man 2" movie
ad on them.
From what I can glean from the story you won't even notice the team logo on
the jersey because it will be swallowed up by spider webbing and the movie
title.
The team is being
paid $6.2 million for the publicity deal. Which just happens to be the exact
amount that Michael Moore spent at the Wendy's drive through last week!! I
think I will do my own Spidey advertising. What ya think?
Atheist to deliver opening 'prayer' at
Tampa council meeting
The Tampa City Council is going to let an atheist lead the prayer at their
July 29th meeting. An atheist leading a prayer? How asinine can our
government workers get? They claim to be doing it to be 'fair'.
Councilman
John Dingfelder said, "Everybody deserves their opportunity, as long as it's
respectful.''
I would like to respectfully CRUSH YOUR DOME WITH A
SHOVEL!!! Sorry about that. Sometimes the news just does that to me. How
about more spiders? Just to calm the nerves.
Wednesday,
15, 2004
Danza fearless about show
This
story reports that Tony Danza has promised television critics that his
upcoming talk show will be lively and unpredictable. Right. Unpredictable in
that none of us will actually be able to predict how bad the show is going
to SUCK! What do you think, guys? Should we start a pool on the over/under
on how long this show will last?
"They hired
me to be an entertainer," he said. "I might break out in song or tap dance,
but that won't be a big part of it."
hmmm Would
that be because he can't sing? Or would that be because tap dancing would
draw a .000000001% rating?
"I want to explore
what interests me about people and see if it interests the audience. I'm
ready for anything, and I'm willing to try anything."
Translation -- get
ready for alcoholic, midget, three legged, Kerry voting, freaks who have
been arrested for stealing socks because they have a foot fetish and an
insane infatuation with President Clinton's cat!
Cooking segments
also will be a significant part of the show -- a kitchen has been built into
the set, he added.
I wonder if we will
see anything other than meatballs and pizza?
Doctor's report gets
beer-drinker's license yanked
This is flat out
insane! A man who told his doctors that he knocks back more than a
six-pack of beer everyday is now fighting to get his driver's license back
because the doctor reported him to the state.
Can you guys
believe that? And it happened here in America! In Pennsylvania of all
places! Anyway, this44 year old guy - Keith Emerich, said that he told
the doctors of his drinking habits while they were treating him for an
irregular heartbeat.
"I told them it was
over a six-pack a day. It wasn't good for me -- I'm not going to lie,"
Emerich said in a telephone interview from his home in Lebanon, about 30
miles east of Harrisburg. 
Well, not long
after that, he received a notice from the Pennsylvania Department of
Transportation that his license was being revoked! They revoked his liscnee
because he told his doctor that he drank more than a six-pack a day.
All of this stems
from a state law that was passed in the 1960s which requires doctors to
report any physical or mental impairments that could compromise a patient's
ability to drive safely. So much for doctor - patient confidentiality, huh?
"Pennsylvania is
one of six states that require doctors to report motorists with medical
conditions that could affect their driving, according to the American
Association of Motor Vehicle Administrators. The other states are
California, Delaware, Oregon, Nevada, and New Jersey."
That is SICK!!!!
The government is requiring your physician to report to them!!! My GOD!!!
Grab your shovel and run to the hill!!! Don't get me wrong here, Shovelers.
I don't want a drunk driving around - but, look at the bigger picture. Does
anyone in our government need, much less deserve, to know what goes on
between you and your doctor? Those megalomaniacal freaks will do just that
if you let them.
Why do they need to
know anything about you at all? Especially if you haven't broken the law?
The next thing you know you doctor will be telling them that you are over
weight and you will have the Gestapo at your door planning your meals for
you!
Slim-Fast Cans Whoopi Over Bush
Remarks
Speaking of being fat.
Fox news is reporting that The Slim-Fast diet drink company has dumped Whoopi
Goldberg from its advertising because some of its executives didn't like
remarks she made at a recent Democrat political rally.
"We are
disappointed by the manner in which Ms. Goldberg chose to express herself
and sincerely regret that her recent remarks offended some of our consumers.
Ads featuring Ms. Goldberg will no longer be on the air,"
This story would be
all over the news if she had said these things about a Democrat, but we all
know the media bias which means you are not going to hear about it.
I think they fired
her because people lost their appetites after viewing her in the commercials
so they didn't need the Slim Fast, and that really hurt sales. Do you guys
remember when Whoopi was funny? Yeah, me either!
Ky. Woman Watching Web Cam Helps
Nab Fla. Burglars
This story proves
that Web Cams aren't just for porn. The report here is that two burglars
were captured because of a live-in-home Web cam. Pretty freaking cool!!
The event went down
in Volusia County, Florida after a woman in Kentucky saw two punks breaking
into a friends home while she was watching a live in-home Web cam.
Anyway, she just
happened to be watching and saw them and called the Sheriffs department of
Volusia County, Louisville, Ky.
"I would have
called 911, but I'm calling from out of state," the woman told a sheriff’s
dispatcher. "I'm watching a friend's from a Web cam, and two men just broke
into his house. They’re in the house right now."
Hello, OnStar?
More than a dozen
patrol deputies, investigators, K-9 handlers and nearby motor units were
dispatched to the scene.
A dozen police?
Florida cops must not have much to do, I guess! Anyway, they caught the
guys. One was caught by a police dog and had to go to the hospital to be
treated for bite marks. SWEET!!! SHOVEL UP!!!! WHAP!!!! hhehehehee
I just checked all
of my sources, and reports claim that Michael Moore is still fat and stupid.
I will keep you informed!
Wednesday, 14, 2004
Man Arrested For Allegedly
Fondling Self In Sears
Is it just me or
did you read that headline and immediately think that Timm Allen had hit a
new low??
Turns out
that that it was a 21-year-old man who just happens to be an illegal
alien. He was caught after mall security saw him going Pee Wee Herman in the
men's section of the store. The story says he could face deportation, and
lets all hope that the freak does.
I'm sure the Democrats are busy drafting some no deportation for
masturbation legislation.
New U.S. Cholesterol Guidelines Are
Strictest Ever
"U.S. cholesterol
guidelines issued on Monday set the lowest level yet for high-risk patients,
with recommendations for aggressive use of drugs to get levels down."
I guess this will
be the theme of Michael Moore's next movie about "Big Cholesterol!"
Somewhere down the line Halliburton will be blamed for cholesterols very
existence.
The new
recommendations say that no one should rely on drugs alone to lower their
cholesterol levels. It goes further and reports that people should watch
their diet and exercise. No! Really?? DUH!! Don't you just love the
keen insight into the obvious that our government provides us with. Just a
reminder - swinging a shovel is a very good form of exercise and 9 out of 10
doctors recommend it. Ok, maybe they are witch doctors, but hey -
witch doctors are only one level below psychologist and people consider them
to be actual doctors. 
-"The lower the better for high-risk people," Dr.
Scott Grundy, who chaired the National Cholesterol Education Program panel
that wrote the guidelines, said in a statement.-
Thank you for that little pearl of wisdom, Dr.
Grundy. Lower is better for high risk people? Why don't you take it a
step further and tell us that nonalcoholic beverages are good for members of
the Kennedy family? Maddening! Dr. Timm says a swing a day will keep the
doctor away!
No headline here,
this is just a picture from Yahoo's odd photo section.
This is weed that
Greek police said they found over the weekend at a cannabis plantation during the Olympic
torch relay through the Island of Crete. I didn't realize that Tommy Chong
and Whitney Houston were representing us over there this year. These
Olympics are going to be a mess!!
Braille T-shirts let people get
touchy-feely
This is neat. A company in Vancouver is coming
out with a new line of T-shirts for chicks. The cool thing about the T-shirts
is that they are going to have
naughty messages written in Braille across the chest area just to encourage guys
to run their hands over it to find out what it says.
The story
reports that the sayings will include things like, “Lickable,” “Use Me,”
and “Spank It” All of which any
mother would be proud of. Right? WHAP!!! Where is the NOW gang on this one?
Anyway. It gets better!! If the guy can't read Braille - which 99.9% can't -
the dame can just turn up the bottom of the shirt and the translation is
printed at the same spot on the inside. The broad can just flash them! How
sweet is that?
“We liked the idea that someone
could wear a graphically cool-looking T-shirt on the street and really be
saying something a little naughty and cheeky,” he said. “It was the wearer’s
dirty little secret, if you will.”
Tuesday, 13, 2004
Exclusive: Election Day Worries
American
counterterrorism officials, citing what they call "alarming" intelligence
about a possible Qaeda strike inside the United States this fall, are
reviewing a proposal that could allow for the postponement of the November
presidential election in the event of such an attack, NEWSWEEK has learned.
As a result, sources tell NEWSWEEK, Ridge's department last week asked the
Justice Department's Office of Legal Counsel to analyze what legal steps
would be needed to permit the postponement of the election were an attack to
take place.
I don't trust
NEWSWEEK, but if this is true, Tom Ridge and everyone under him needs to be
shoveled out!!!!  Gone and I
mean gone today!!! Come on! Why don't you just send the terrorist a huge
rose festooned invitation to attack us?
Nice to know that
the person in charge of our nations security is afraid of his own freaking
shadow! Man, what a jackass! Politically correct freaking WIMP!
This is the wrong
message to send to the people who want to attack us. He should be standing
there pounding the every living hell out of a podium and yelling that we
will go about our normal election processes even if we have to crawl in and
out of a burning building to do it. WHAP!!!! My God!! Postponement should
never even have crossed his mind!
What the hell is
that? Postpone the elections? That makes me sick!! That should deeply
disturb all of you shovelers! We are the worlds super power and this
pantywaist JACKASS is actually proposing postponing elections because some
third world moron might detonate something? I'd like to take my shovel
and put a "ridge" in that guys forehead!
This idea is
nothing but bad, guys. BAD! White knuckle gripping BAD!!! I will let you
know how it goes!
Huge blaze hits paper warehouse
This comes from the
BBC news wire. More than100 firefighters are trying to extinguish a fire in
a paper warehouse. There were 21 fire engines fighting the blaze at one
point.
"The fire
service said it was too early to judge what caused the fire, but an
investigation would be conducted."
The story doesn't
explain what that investigation might involve, but I wonder who they will
question first -- Ray Bradbury and Michael Moore?
Really Old Dog About To Turn 27
Years Old
I am not so
sure that I believe this one, but if it is true the dog is 189 years old in
human years or 39 in Liz Taylor years or immortal in Richard Gere's gerbils
years.
Anyway, the
pup, named Jerry lives in Australia and is about to break the
Guinness record held by a 27-year-old beagle in Virginia. Jerry's owners say
that he has grown up on up on kangaroo, rabbit and emu meat.
You
just know that the PETA freaks love to hear that!
President Reagan's son is going to be a key note speaker at the Democratic
convention. ssssssssnooze!!!!! This is not a surprise and it is not NEWS! He
has always been a liberal and always shown that he didn't have the brains or
convictions of his father. He even showed it when he spoke at his fathers
funeral. The media is going to have fun with this though.
Watch.
Monday, 12, 2004
Teens Admit To Playing RTD
'Sniper'
What is up with the teens in Colorado? These two guys - aged 15 and 18
- thought is would be funny to sit at a distance and point at people with a
laser pointer.  Several people
thought that is was the beam of a laser sight from a snipers rifle. One guy
did actually yell for everyone to get down. I can't confirm or deny if that
was James Brown, but I am looking into it!
No one was injured and the kids did turn themselves in. If I were judge they
would both be beat with a shovel and then released.
Man dies burning brush in fire pit
Open your file
cabinet and put this one in your 'I am an idiot and should be dead' folder!!
This happened in America, Shovelers! Michigan -- a 51-year-old died when he
fell into a giant
370-square-foot fire pit. 
He fell into a pit
that he had dug with a backhoe just days after he had been issued a burning
permit!!! Me dig big hole and fall in!
'Terrorist' tots
Two-year-old twins had their dream
Disneyland holiday ruined – when French airport customs officers swooped on
them for carrying plastic swords.
The idiots at security actually stopped them for their
plastic swords. In the meantime a few terrorists, whose name will will soon
be known, walked right on through. HELLO???
"Nobody in their right mind would think that the swords that went with their
outfit were real. It's security gone mad."
Amen brother!!
Don't you just love unions!? WHAP!!!
Thursday, 08, 2004
Local
DJ arrested for hoax
Can we please do away with morning DJ's? They never shut up, have zero
talent and are usually about as funny as a case of genital warts. This moron
from Austin, Texas was arrested and charged with making a terroristic threat
after he went into a convenience store wearing a stocking mask.
As part of
the hoax, he bought a pack of gum and left the store. The employee at the
food mart called the police, not knowing that the stocking cap stunt was a
hoax for the radio station.
Wouldn't it have been sweet if the change dispenser --
errr-- I mean, employee, had taken out a shovel and beaten this jackass into
oblivion? I know you guys are listening to radio in markets all across the
country and I have no idea what is going on, but here in Atlanta FM radio is
un-listenable until after ten o'clock.
WHAT IS GOING
ON HERE???
Does Kerry want a running mate or just a new mate?
We all know that
John Kerry marries for money. John Edwards makes it by the bucket load. I
think Teresa might want to call her attorney, because we might be seeing a
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