A BABE WITH BRAINS

A farmer in Russia has asked the president to allow him to marry a cow.

Here in America, Tom Arnold was free to do that without Presidential approval. He just said, " I moo," and then handed Rosie the ring.

Boris Gabov, from Kemerovo, posed the question in a webcast in which people could ask Vladimir Putin anything.

He said: 'All the girls have left our small village, so I cannot find a woman to be with. But I love animals very much.'

It is unclear what Mr Putin's reply was.

Maybe he "pooted" in his pants.

I hope he gets jock itch and develops an irresistible urge to pump his pet hamster.

Two Whaleyville, Va., residents were stunned when a naked man accosted their car in their driveway and began hitting it with their pet pigeon.

The couple had just pulled into their driveway Friday night when Juan Lopez, 30, of Virginia Beach, appeared naked and began striking their car with the bird, the Virginian Pilot reported Tuesday.

They fled to a neighbor's house and called police who found the suspect in nearby woods.

A Suffolk, Va., police spokeswoman told the newspaper Lopez was "obviously having some sort of issues that night."

He had allegedly gotten into the homeowners' bird cages that held 15 chickens and four pigeons. Four of the birds were killed.

Lopez was charged with burglary, destruction of property and larceny of poultry.

Umm.... never mind!!! There are more question here than answers! I am going to take my shovel and just go sit in the corner.

An Australian man is recovering from a close brush with death after surviving a fall of nearly 30 metres into a ravine in East Vancouver on Tuesday.

The man, who had been drinking, climbed up onto a railing over the ravine near the Commercial Drive SkyTrain station, apparently looking for somewhere to relieve himself.

What do you think the chances are that this guy has the word Kennedy in his last name??

Old Ted grabbed a shot of Jack and headed into his "I will never be found guilty" office.

SHE bounds along on all fours through long grass, panting with her tongue hanging out. When she reaches the tap she paws at the ground, drinks noisily with her jaws wide open and lets the water cascade over her head.

Up to this point, you think the young woman could be acting — but the moment she shakes her head and neck free of droplets, exactly like a dog when it emerges from a swim, you get a creepy sense that this is something beyond imitation. Then she barks.

Does she then lick herself, and hump your leg? This is such a freaking load of Ted Kennedy! I am beating myself with my shovel for even putting this story on this page!!!

Robert Brooks had a simple explanation for the success of his Hooters chain, known as much for the tight T-shirts of its waitresses as for its chicken wings

"Good food, cold beer and pretty girls never go out of style," he told Fortune magazine in 2003.

Brooks, chairman of the restaurant chain, was found dead at his home Sunday at 69. Coroner Robert Edge said an autopsy found Brooks died of natural causes, but he would not be more specific.

69 seems appropriate doesn't it?? WHAP!!!

Bush was talking privately to British Prime Minister Tony Blair during a lunch at the Group of Eight summit in St Petersburg.

I love it!! I just wish he would speak like that when the national press had their cameras on him. SPEAK IT!!!

To the bafflement of insect experts, gigantic yellow jacket nests have started turning up in old barns, unoccupied houses, cars and underground cavities across the southern two-thirds of Alabama.

Georgia Tech Scholars and Buzz bit their lip, laughed and said that they had no comment.

GUARD YOUR daughters closely. On Wednesday, Batwoman will come out as a lesbian. No, it's not as big a deal as if, say, Strawberry Shortcake were appearing on the cover of Out. Most people — myself included — don't really know who Batwoman is.

Why should you guard your daughters? Did the lesbian just become a molester? This idiot has discredited themselves in the very first paragraph of their little mindless attempt at using the English language to try and make themselves sound relevant.

You don't know who Batwoman is? I would ask you, does the name Hillary Clinton ring a bell with you? Sorry. Batwoman stands for good.

Anyway, who in the hell is Strawberry Shortcake? I guess I didn't receive my issue of 'Dikes on Parade" this month. WHAP!!!!

But the media have been all over this for months, and I'd be remiss if I didn't jump on the bandwagon (make that the Subaru station wagon; I used to own one, so I'm allowed to say this.)

I don't know if the new Batwoman will be bulletproof, elastic or able to fly, but if Kane's manicured appearance is any indication, I don't think she'll be using power tools or even playing acoustic guitar.

Ok. Enough. My head just exploded. I think Rosie O'Donnell wrote this under a "ghost name".

Hollywood heavyweights Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon are on hunger strike.

The pair are staging the protest in support of anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan, whose son Casey was killed in Iraq in 2004.

At a press conference in front of the White House, in Washington, Sheehan said: "Everything we do is to get the troops to come home.

"We want to show the world that there are Americans who are committed to peace. Fasting is such a time-honoured way of protest."

Fasting is a time honored way of protest?? Lets see, the was the great fasting protest of.....ummmm....errrr....ummmmm. Sorry, never mind. This woman is NUTS! Her cheese has slid off of her cracker! A complete moon loon!

Campaigner Sheehan will live on a diet of water, teas and juices until September 21 - International Peace Day.

How about a gig old' glass of Jim Jones Kool-Aid?

Penn, Sarandon and a host of other stars, including 'Lethal Weapon' actor Danny Glover and country music legend Willie Nelson, will take it in turns to abstain from food on set days in a "rolling programme" of fasts.

Typical liberal fashion here, guys. They don't even have the courage of their convictions. "We are going to fast, but not treally. We are going to do it in shits." WHAP!!! I guess Sean will skip breakfast, Susan will skip lunch and Danny will skip dinner.

Calista Flockhart and Lindsay Lohan agreed to join the protest by immediately vomiting up everything they eat until the troops come home. Michael Moore took a different angle saying that he would do his part by eating any, and all, meals that are skipped by the protestors during the protest.

But two years after a string of disturbing sightings of a naked, masked man in London's north end came to an abrupt end, a new incident has residents and police wondering if he's back and as bold as ever.

A woman reported seeing a nude, masturbating man -- decked out bizarrely in a decorative mask -- while she sat reading Monday evening at Elsie Perrin-Williams Estate, a beautiful park near the University of Western Ontario.

I think it is safe to say that this is one heck of a come back. The Bone Ranger runs again. HI HO, .....ummmm.... never mind..

SHOVELLINE -CROSBY, N.D. - A man was arrested twice in one day on alcohol-related charges, for illegally operating an airplane that veered off a runway and later for driving his pickup while drunk, authorities said.

Too bad he didn't run and jump into a boat and take off. I mean why not drink for the cycle? Pull the drunken machine operating trifecta !??

Backen is a U.S. Customs, Immigration and Border Protection agent who works at the Fortuna border crossing, Throntveit said. An agent at the crossing referred questions to Mary Delaquis, director of the Pembina border crossing station, who was out of state and unavailable for comment Thursday.

Backen's single-engine private plane veered off the Crosby airport runway and into a seeded field on Sunday afternoon, Throntveit said.

"He said his throttle got stuck when he was operating it, and he lost control," Throntveit said. "It never got off the ground."

Sounds like Kennedy speak to me.

Throntveit said Backen had been drinking, and was charged with operating a plane within eight hours of (alcohol) consumption, a Class A misdemeanor.

"He was arrested for that and then released on a $1,000 promise to appear," Throntveit said. "He was released at 3 p.m. At 4:30 p.m., he went to pick up his pickup at the airport. He tried to elude me."

BEER-swilling Baywatch star David Hasselhoff was booted out of Wimbledon — because he was “steaming drunk”.

A guard led him from the tennis tournament’s grounds after a series of clashes with security staff.

FIRST, the 53-year-old actor had a blazing row outside Centre Court. Guards would not let him in because he did not have a valid ticket.

THEN he was banned from press and players’ bars as he tried to get another drink

Hasselhoff, who has fought a long battle with booze, yelled at staff: “You should let me in. Do you know who I am? I’m The Hoff!"

Haaahaaaa! "The Hoff"?? What is wrong with this putz? Stope looking at yourself in the mirror so much, ya freak! He must have been drinking Kennedy style.

But, now that I think about it - isn't it common knowledge that you never hassle "the Hoff"!! WHAP!!!

My apologies for the image that this picture just indelibly burned into your mind.

On that note - I will say, go have a great weekend, guys!!!! Monday will be here before you know it and we will start swinging again!

Veteran sex symbol Sofia Loren, first featured on magazine covers half a century ago, will appear for next year's Pirelli calendar dressed up only in diamond earrings.

The voluptuous Italian screen legend, who will celebrate her 72nd birthday on September 20, joins a galaxy of international female stars posing in the nude for the 2007 cult calendar, the Italian magazine Gente (People) reported Wednesday.

Yummm......... 72, so what? The way she looks she could be102 and I wouldn't care - she still puts the shove in my shovel.

Muslim men praying at an Islamic center in Maine said they were shocked when someone threw a severed pig's head into the mosque.

Witnesses told the Sun Journal of Lewiston that a frozen pig's head slightly larger than a basketball was rolled into the Lewiston Auburn Islamic Center Monday night.

Pigs are considered unclean by Muslims, who are barred from eating pork, and the act was viewed as a deliberate insult against the religion.

When the incident occurred, about 40 men were bowed down as part of their prayer ritual. When the pig's head rolled in, the men got up and ran outside. None of them was hit by the animal head.

I say we start fighting the war in Iraq this way. We could silence the liberals anti-war whining and chanting and ranting by putting down the guns and bombs and just unleash 10 zillion pigs over there. Then we could just grab the terrorist when they took off running for the hills like a peeing themselves Frenchmen! WHAP!!

Duxbury man, 26, dies after hitting a tree: Crash comes minutes after fight with girlfriend over drinking, driving

Just a thought..... If Al Gore or John Kerry had been elected, we would be having a weekly weeping right now and be contemplating how bad the strength of our country is! WHAP!!!!

SHOVELLINE - OTTAWA -- Police are trying to identify the young men who were photographed on Canada Day urinating on the National War Memorial.

Canada has a war memorial??? France has one too. It is a big white flag and they wet themselves every time they go there.

The photographs of young men using the downtown monument as a bathroom were taken by Dr. Michael Pilon following the July 1 fireworks display. The pictures will make it easier for police to find the men who were caught in the act.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper commented on the incidents on Ottawa radio station CFRA yesterday.

"As you know, often people who get carried away do thoughtless things," Harper said.

May I translate that for you guys? "Ummmmm..... He was brave enough to just whip it out? Ok, I surrender!!!"

If I had been there they would have spent the rest of the night washing grey matter off of the wall.

In a plan the state Opposition described as "silly", polling booths will be set up in licensed premises for the first time under the planned changes to elections legislation.

Liquor will not be available in the polling area, which under the changes must be segregated from drinkers in the bar.

SHOVEL EXCLUSIVE! --- No Kennedy's will be Voting in Wales. WHAP!!!!!!

Katie Shroeder got her first glimpse of the slick tan, red and yellow beast when she was a waitress in Kansas. Grabbing a once-in-a-lifetime chance, she tracked it for 60 miles until it finally stopped.

Here at Shovel Central, we have heard that Richard Simmons and Elton John are having a slap fight over who gets to drive the other one.

The original was a 13-foot-long metal hot dog on wheels with an open cockpit in the center and rear, so the hotdogger could pop up. Hog dog whistles were given out starting in 1951, and many people still show up at Wienermobile events looking for the whistles. The 1952 version of the Wienermobile is in the Henry Ford Museum in Dearborn, Michigan.

Hold your swing a second here, guys. Did we just have a story about a Wienermobile that used the words cockpit, rear, and pop up, all in the same paragraph??

Oh baby! You can make it, carry it around for nine months and bring it onto the planet whenever, wherever and with whomever you’d like (theoretically, at least), but when it comes to naming it, one Mexican state says you’d better say adios to your favorite funky baby names.

Authorities in the state of Chihuahua are enforcing a new set of rules — extremely specific rules at that — on what the baby-makers can call their kiddos, KVIA reports.

BABY MAKERS??!!!!??? This is a damn press report and they just used the phrase - baby makers!!! Sad. Sick! WHAP!! Journalist just can't get out of their own way, can they?? And to think that they wonder why we no longer take them seriously! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!!

It seems the state was displeased with a rash of tots running around with odd, creative and foreign names, so it decided to issue a reminder of what’s considered appropriate and what isn’t.

Remember, if you want an amnesty pass, register as a Democrat and call yourself one of them good old American names like - Bob.

In related news, blacks will continue to give their children names like Chiquannta, and Shalitta and Drawacheckfromwhitey........ thus insuring that they will be turned down for any jobs that pay more than the minimum wage! WHAP!! Come on!

so this website has said the same dorky thing for over 4 years now, so i think it is time for a change.

i review root beers, birch beers and sarsaparillas here. i am always looking for more of em. let me know of any in your area that are not here. also, if you see any links i am missing or want to talk about root beer, email me.

Obviously this guy spent more time sucking on sodas than he spent in his grammar classes. At least that is what i think! WHAP!!!!

Ted Kennedy emailed this guy, wanting to talk about his root and having some cold beer there while he was doing it.

The American Society of Anesthesiologists called on its members not to attend executions of death sentences by lethal injection, even if called to do so by a court.

In a letter addressed to some 37,000 members, association president Orin Guidry recalled the American Medical Association's code of ethics, which says: "A physician, as a member of a profession dedicated to preserving life when there is hope of doing so, should not be a participant in a legally authorized execution."

However, the procedure has come under scrutiny. If the condemned is not correctly anesthetized by the first of the three drugs, the final two, which paralyze the muscles and stop the heart, are extremely painful.

Aaawwww, damn!! WAAAAAWAAAAWAAAA. Painful??!!!?! Who cares??

Why do liberals spend so much time fretting over what might happen to the culprits?

The death should be painful. If the first swing of his knife didn't kill his victim immediately, then the next two swings were definitely PAINFUL!!! Die you liberal MAGGOTS!!!!

Theses scum bags ought to be executed wide awake, with no dugs and feeling every millisecond of the pain.

"as a member of a profession dedicated to preserving life when there is hope of doing so,........."

Hey there, putz face!! Killing these scum bags insures that you will be acting to preserve life when there is hope of doing so!!

The dirt bags will be dead. Thus, they would no longer be able to take another innocent life! Hello??!!!!??! Think about it. Or are you too logically impaired???

I say go back to public hangings - or shovelings - either way, it would cost less because ropes and a shovels are reusable!

Police did not have too much trouble catching a stolen vehicle making a getaway from one of Wales' top hotels.

Not surprising really, as it was a "courtesy buggy" - similar to a golf cart - doing 5mph on the main road from the Celtic Manor Resort at Newport. Gwent Police received several calls from motorists who saw two men in the buggy on the A449 on Friday night. The Celtic Manor said it was unusual, as the resort had tight security. Police said two men were arrested.

The seven-seater buggy in hotel livery normally used to ferry guests around the resort site was intercepted on the road.

Two men ran into nearby woods and were arrested shortly after walking on the A449 towards Newport.

NOTE TO SELF... when choosing a getaway car, always pick a car that the cops can't out run.... ON FOOT!!!!!!

And for 40 years Herbie - or the 'Love Bug' - as the Volkswagen Beetle was dubbed in its first movie outing - has enthralled millions of families in a series of Hollywood sequels.

But now German car giant Volkswagen has turned fiction into reality by unveiling a fully automatic car which really can drive itself - and at speeds of up to 150mph.

The GTi has electronic 'eyes' that use radar and laser sensors in the grille to 'read' the road and send the details back to its computer brain. A sat-nav system tracks its exact position with pin-point precision to within an inch.

The car can then work out the twists and turns it has to negotiate - before setting off at break-neck speed through a laid out course on a test track.

To prove their claims, these guys invited people to use road cones to design their own courses at a test track near the world headquarters in Wolfsburg, Germany. They could set them up and then sit back and watch the cars navigate though them

He would be able to drink his gin-vodka-rum and whiskey tonic while writing his America hating Legislation on his way to the Senate floor.

He said, "Burp...who cares, BURRRRRRRRPPPP!!!! I have had a chauffer since my car slipped into that creek and I injured my neck......ummmm and oh yeah, injured that Mary Jo girl. errrrrr..... I mean ...... hey it's not my fault that she couldn't swim. I did everything I could. I paddled my way to the bank and screamed, "Swim, Mary Jo!! Swim!!!

What was I supposed to do? It was dark and I needed a drink. Aghhh.... never mind. I have to go, I have an appointment with my good friend Jack Daniels."

Trying to look at a bright side to this...............secretaries could finally, safely, do their make-up on the way to work.

SHOVELLINE - JAKARTA, The editor of Playboy Indonesia and two models whose pictures appeared in the magazine's first edition are being investigated for violating indecency laws, police said on Friday.

They weren't even nude, guys. The pictures look like something out of a Victoria's Secret catalog! Look them up.

Yoga said under laws banning public indecency offenders face a maximum penalty of 32 months in jail.

I think you should be put in jail for at least two years for wearing clothes in Playboy!!! WHAP!!! I mean, what a waste of precious photo space???!!???!!

Earlier this month, Playboy Indonesia ran its second edition despite attacks on their Jakarta office after the April launch.

The June issue had no advertisements and was issued from Bali, a Hindu enclave where conservative Islam has little clout.

Arnada wrote in it that Playboy was good for Indonesia.

"The absence of a growing monopoly of a set of values and views in our beloved country in the end is our final purpose. We believe that is also the target of all of us who live with reason and want to understand the meaning of democracy and a pluralistic society," his editorial said.

Gunawan told local media she did not regret posing for Playboy because it was a legal publication.

"If it is halal, why not take it," the Jakarta Post quoted her as saying. Halal is an Islamic term for permissible.

Jakarta police have said they want Playboy to hold off publishing again until they investigate accusations it might have violated laws such as indecency statutes.

I think I am safe in assuming that "Barely Legal Shaved Beavers" won't be on the stands there anytime soon.

Muslims. They suck!!! Indonesia has 220 million people and about 85 percent of them are Muslim. Go shovel yourself!!!!

THE Group of Eight industrialized nations set a deadline of July 5 yesterday for Iran to give a “clear and substantive response” to an offer of incentives for it to scale back its nuclear program.

But Iran said that it needed until August, threatening to drive a wedge between the G8 members in the run-up to the group’s annual summit in St Petersburg from July 15 to July 17.

At the same time G8 foreign ministers failed to agree on how to respond if Iran did not reply, or turned down the June 6 offer from the United States, Britain, France, China, Russia and Germany.

President Timm's 4th of July 'Address to the Nation' would go like this--- "Ya'll enjoy today and have fun celebrating our nations birth and enjoy your family cookouts. God bless, enjoy your dogs and burgers! But, the real FIREWORKS won't start until tomorrow...... just look towards the east!!!!

Can I marry a cow, please?

Young man survives ravine plunge

Sean Penn's hunger strike

Man accused of operating airplane, pickup while drunk

The self-driving Golf that would give Herbie a run for its money