Police Sgt. Jeff Skuza said the woman first poured water on her husband early Thursday morning, but that did not wake him up. "She then stabbed him with a pen in the arm twice," Skuza said.

After he went back to sleep after then pen stabbing, she woke him up again with a workout weight to his head!!!! Is it just me? Or who in the hell goes back to sleep after being stabbed with a F***ing pen?????

"I'm sorry, honey... I will be right up. I don't care about the pen stabbing thing in the middle of the night, but could you get me some syrup to go along with the dumbbell you just served me as an iron filled breakfast? Maybe maple?"

Wednesday, 29, 2005

Struggling US doughnut firm Krispy Kreme has parted company with six of its top executives after an internal inquiry recommended they be discharged.

Krispy Kreme said five of them had resigned, and one had retired. It did not name them or give any further reasons for their departure.

I think their stock dropped after Rosie O'Donnell lost her sweet tooth.

Their accounting practices are now being investigated by stock market regulators and some New York prosecutors.

Michael Moore, through a sugar glazed letter, has let Krispy know that will pay any attorney fees.

Cruise, 42, was on a red-carpet walkabout prior to the screening of the latest adaptation of the H.G. Wells classic in London's Leicester Square on Sunday when a bogus journalist stuck a joke microphone in front of him.

As Cruise started to talk, he was squirted with water from the microphone causing  him to loose his temper.

eeewww I am sooooooo afraid of Tom loosing his temper! What is going to do? Start a slap fight?  I would have asked him a question and then WHAPPED him with a shovel while he was answering. Then I would have gave him Jeff Gordon's phone number ---just so that they could spend quality time together. If you know what I mean.

"I'm here giving you an interview, answering your questions and you do something really nasty ... you're a jerk ... jerk ... you're a jerk," the actor told the prankster. I think he hurt his wrist throwing a few slaps while he went on that rant. If he had a sack on him he would have popped the guy.

This guy did the same thing to Sharon Osbourne last month, but there was a very different outcome. She turned around and grabbed a bucket of water and dumped it on him. Who is wearing the pants here Tom???

Tip: A $47G money belt will make anyone's butt look big
 

Quincy woman carrying $46,950 in cash through Logan International Airport claims she was on the way to see a Texas plastic surgeon when federal drug agents seized the money she planned to use for a procedure on her buttocks and breasts.

Your government at work, fellows Shovelers! What business is it of theirs wheather you 4 or 40,000 dollares?

The agent looked at my buttocks and told me that I do not need an operation,'' Ileana Valdez, 26, told a federal court yesterday in an affidavit contending she got the cash from selling her Dorchester business and two homes.

Valdez claims a male agent from the Drug Enforcement Agency asked her to take off her clothes to show her rear end.

I hear that happens to J-Lo a lot!

She refused but let a female officer examine her. `It's just sad they can associate money with drugs without having anything else,'' Blaize said.

They're putting the burden on her to prove it's not drug money. So much innocent until proven, huh?

China town needs "lifetime" to pay restaurant tab

Chinese officials ran up a bill at a rural restaurant so large it will take the cash-strapped local government 36 years to pay it off, the Beijing Evening News reported on Monday.

Over four years of frequenting the restaurant in northern Shaanxi province, local officials had paid only a tenth of their 200,000 yuan (13,000 pounds) total tab, the paper said.

This sounds like Ted Kennedy's debt to Jack Daniels!!

Thursday, 16, 2005

Runaway Bride May Get Movie Deal

Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks made a deal with a company that is pitching a movie about her life to networks — annoying officials who spent thousands of dollars searching for her.

ReganMedia, a New York multimedia company, told The Atlanta Journal-Constitution for a story in Thursday's papers it has acquired all media rights to the "life stories" of Wilbanks and her fiancé, John Mason.

"I am looking forward to developing the scripted project with Wilbanks and Mason," company president Judith Regan said in a statement. "Theirs is an unexpected and compelling story of love and forgiveness that has certainly taught me a thing or two."

A bug-eyed freak just decided to pack her stuff and haul ass across the country. Then her fiancée' says that it is ok and he still loves her????? What is that? My fiancé would beat me to death with a shovel if I unexpectedly didn't come home from a Friday night pool tournament! That is insane!

I can sum this up in two words -- disrespect and IDIOCY!!!!! Lets all pray that they don't manage to sire a child! WHAP!!!!!

Saudi Arabia Exempt From Nuke Inspections
 

'The Hokey Pokey' really is what it's all about, ya know

I got an e-mail from a friend last week informing me that Larry LaPrise, the lyricist who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," has died.

This bit of intelligence arrived on my desktop about nine years late – a not-uncommon occurrence given the vagaries of our office e-mail server. The hokey-pokiest actually died April 4, 1996, at the age of 83.

And so I reviewed the lyrics in my head – I confess to some confusion over whether you are to put your behind in and put it out before or after putting your head in and out

 ......... I do believe that Amber Lynn can definitively answer that question for you! And it will involve the word POKEY! Hokey will just be a description of the movie.

Wednesday, 15, 2005

Russian Village Cooks World's Largest Omelet

Dozens of cooks spent hours cooking a record-setting omelet that weighed more than 1,000 pounds. More than 11,000 eggs went into making the world's largest omelet.

Michael Moore's personal chef laughed and said that was nothing more than an average breakfast for Michael.. The omelet broke the old world record, which was set in 2003 when Hungarian cooks made one with 5,000 eggs. Again, Michael's chef laughed and said he only wished he could use so few eggs. He then questioned what the bacon, lard and mayonnaise record was.

Authorities say a man is in jail this morning after a bizarre incident in Green County.

50 year old Sharon Dotson of Greeneville says she went to a cookout at her daughter's house next door to her ex-boyfriend, 62 year old Peter Gresham, on Susong memorial Road. 

Dotson says Gresham threw a zip lock bag filled with gasoline at her an then shot her with a flare gun, causing her to catch fire. 

Mike Tyson said, "eat that you bitch!!!"

Dr. Phil ate a valium and called Opera. She said she would return his call right after the fire department put out Stedman's bed.

Teen Charged With Battery for Vomiting on Spanish Teacher

A high school student who vomited on his Spanish teacher has been charged with battery against a school official. The misdemeanor charge was filed Monday against the Olathe Northwest High School student. The 17-year-old was charged as a juvenile and his name was not released.

Prosecutors said the vomiting was intentional, and the teacher, David Young, called the act "outrageous."

Karen Carpenter called the act normal and then hurled her ham sandwich on Saint Peter.

Monday, 13, 2005

Dean's Zeal Is Looking Like Zealotry, Some Fear

When Howard Dean was chosen to head their party, Democrats looked forward to the benefits of his bristling energy and zest for political combat.

But at a private meeting Thursday on Capitol Hill, a number of worried Senate Democrats warned Dean that he had been going overboard and needed to choose his words more carefully.

The former Vermont governor and unsuccessful presidential candidate recently referred to the GOP as "pretty much a white, Christian party" and declared that a lot of Republicans have "never made an honest living in their lives."

Sen. Russell D. Feingold (D-Wis.) said that at the Capitol Hill meeting, "there couldn't be any doubt that there was some concern, even by Dean himself," about how his comments had been received.

The meeting had been scheduled to discuss party strategy before Dean's controversial comments.

Also Thursday, two Democrats seen as rising stars — Rep. Harold Ford of Tennessee and Virginia Gov. Mark R. Warner — made a point of distancing themselves from Dean's remarks.

Ford, who plans a Senate run next year, said on the Don Imus radio show that if Dean could not "temper his comments, it may get to the point where the party may need to look elsewhere for leadership, because he does not speak for me."

Ford later told The Times that Dean was "leading us in a direction that makes it difficult to win…. His leadership right now is not serving any of us very well."

Go Howard GO!!!!!

Teens' rings are pledge of purity

Shovelline, Toledo, Ohio — When Katie Chromik put a silver ring on her finger and promised at church to save sex for marriage, her junior high school friends giggled.

"Some people have made bets on me that I'm not going to make it," she said. "It just makes me more determined."

Even if pledging purity draws snickers, it's still gaining acceptance among some teens, especially those who attend Christian schools and churches. They say they're standing up to a barrage of sex-related messages.

Most of them coming from Madonna.

Hamburger salesman and clown Ronald McDonald is getting an unlikely image make-over — as a snowboarding, hoops-shooting fitness guru for tots. The new, athletic Ronald, McDonald's Corp.'s mascot for the last 42 years, will even be sporting a more form-fitting version of his trademark yellow jumpsuit.
 

Images of fruits and vegetables abound in the spot, while hamburgers and fries — the foods McDonald's is known for — are conspicuously absent.

The decision to leave out images of McDonald's foods was deliberate, an executive said, because the company wants its message to be about all food — not just the food it sells at its 30,000 restaurants across the globe.

Both marketing and nutrition experts said McDonald's was making the right strategic step by using such a recognizable character to promote physical activity at a time when it is being blamed for contributing to the roughly 15 percent of U.S. children and adolescents who are overweight.

How about blaming the big fat lazy gravy sucking parents who use the XBOX as a babysitter?

Naked doctor rushes to rescue man

A doctor who was taking a bath rushed nakedly to rescue her colleague who got an electric shock, the Daily Sunshine reported Thursday.

The doctor, surnamed Tang, heard her neighbor Doctor Chen scream in a next-door bathroom at about 11 p.m. Sunday when she was having a bath in her clinic’s dormitory building in Pingshan Subdistrict, Longgang. She thought Chen must be in danger after he did not respond when she called out for him.

Tang rushed out of the bathroom in such a hurry that she forgot to put on clothes. After the security guards broke the door, she found Chen lying unconscious and stopping breathing with the shower head in his hand.

Tang asked security guards to cut off the electricity and began artificial respiration on Chen. Chen’s heart began to beat again about five minutes later.

Chen could not have been saved if his heart beat had stopped for more than eight minutes, Tang said. Tang said her first instinct was to save Chen and she did not even think about being naked.

Sorry, but I couldn't pass on a story about a naked tang.

Answer machine altered

A German city is rushing to install a series of drive-in wooden "sex garages" in time for next year's Soccer World Cup and an expected boom in the local sex trade, a city official said on Wednesday.

Dortmund, one of 12 cities to host World Cup matches, is anxious to keep prostitutes and their clients off the streets by providing them with discreet places to do business.

Suddenly Bill Clinton decided that he is a soccer fan.

Experts estimate as many as 40,000 prostitutes may travel to Germany to offer their services to fans during the tournament.

"The World Cup has put us under added time pressure, as we don't want a situation where prostitutes and their clients disturb residential areas," the official said.

Prostitution is legal in Germany in designated areas.

Hong Kong prosecutor says U.S. woman killed husband, asked workers to remove body

An American woman accused of killing her husband asked maintenance workers at her Hong Kong luxury apartment complex to help her haul away a roll of carpet that contained the man's body, a prosecutor said Wednesday.

Prosecutor Peter Chapman alleged that 41-year-old Nancy Ann Kissel killed husband Robert Kissel on Nov. 2, 2003 the same day the Merrill Lynch investment banker planned to discuss the couple's divorce with his wife.

Nancy Kissel is accused of drugging her husband with a milkshake laced with sedatives before fatally beating him on the head with a metal ornament. The woman, who has pleaded innocent, faces a mandatory life prison term if convicted.

The prosecution alleged that the wife had a lover in the United States and that her husband, a New York native, had hired a private detective to investigate the affair.

She needs to call Johnny Cochran..... oh wait, he is in a very hot place right now.

Thursday, 09, 2005

German woman lays waste to property with 43 goats

A German woman living with 43 goats was evicted from her rented house after the animals left "knee-high" piles of droppings around the garden and laid waste to the building's interior, authorities said on Tuesday.

Michael Moore's mother was puzzled by the fact that it took 43 goats to do what her son does hourly!

'Back in Black' cracks all-time top 5

AC/DC's 1980 breakthrough "Back in Black" has been certified for U.S. shipments of 21 million copies, tying it for fifth place with Billy Joel's "Greatest Hits Vol. 1 & II" on the Recording Industry Assn. of America's all-time best-sellers list.

The news caused Billy to go have a drink with Davy who is still in the Navy, and probably will be for life. Then Bill ran his car into the side of someone's house and gave them the finger while screaming, "you thought you were a BIG SHOT......didn't, ya!!!!"

Wednesday, 08, 2005

Monster shark swallows diver in Jaws-style attack

A SCUBA diver was swallowed almost whole by a great white shark yesterday in a Jaws-style attack just offshore from Cape Town.

Police Chief Brody immediately shut down the beaches and Quint grabbed a bottle of liquor and a fishing pole.

Conservationists are now expecting renewed calls for killer sharks to be hunted down following the death of medical student Henri Murray, 22 - the latest in a series of attacks. Great whites have been a protected species in South African waters since 1990, but calls for a cull have been growing following the deaths of several South African swimmers and surfers this year.

Two British surfers survived - although one needed 200 stitches to leg wounds and the other had to have 100 stitches to torn hips and buttocks. In yesterday's attack, Mr Murray's diving partner, 23-year-old Piet van Niekerk, shot the great white with his spear gun in a desperate attempt to drive it away, but he did not see his friend again.

Divers from the National Sea Rescue Institute (NSRI) recovered a weight belt - so damaged that it looked as though it had been sliced through with a knife - a mask, a spear gun, a rubber flipper and a buoy with speared fish that had been attached to a trailing line.

You're going to a need a bigger boat!

U.S. Supreme Court Rules Against Use of Medical Marijuana

The U.S. Supreme Court dealt a setback to the medical marijuana movement, ruling that federal narcotics laws make it a crime to grow and use the drug even when it never crosses state lines and is used only to relieve pain or nausea.

Tuesday, 07, 2005

Charlie Brown Statue Disappears in Calif.

SANTA ROSA, Calif. - Good grief! Charlie Brown, where are you? A six-foot statue of the lovable "Peanuts" cartoon character has mysteriously disappeared from an honored spot in front of a restaurant here.

"I can't believe it," said Bob Forsyth, owner of Michele's Restaurant in downtown Santa Rosa. "It's just wrong. It's Charlie Brown."

He's offering a $2,500 reward for the return of the statue, which is estimated to weigh as much as 300 pounds.

I hear that the FBI is looking to question The Great Pumpkin.

Two giants toads were married in a traditional Hindu ceremony in eastern India.

Is it just me, or did that sentence just make visions of Rosanne Barr and Tom Arnold dance through your head? 

Anyway, the villagers did it hoping to appease the rain gods and end a dry spell. California did that with Madonna and Shawn Penn and all they got were mudslides.

Some 400 people cheered and blew conches as women put streaks of vermilion on the female toad's head while a band played music and priests solemnized the marriage to the chanting of Hindu hymns.

The toads were picked up from separate ponds, dressed in bright red clothes and brought to the marriage venue in a decorated palanquin in Khochakandar village in West Bengal state late on Sunday.

We don't know yet who will handle the divorce if there is no rain. But, I have heard that Kermit is ready to offer council to either party.

Jackson is awaiting a verdict in his child molestation trial. "The King of Pop," 46, is accused of molesting a now-15-year-old boy, a cancer survivor, who spent time at Neverland ranch and appeared with him in the 2003 British documentary "Living With Michael Jackson." He faces 10 charges that include felony conspiracy with 28 overt acts involving child abduction, false imprisonment and extortion. Jackson has denied all the charges, and his defense has argued that the alleged victim and his family made up the allegations in an attempt to get money.

One of his accusers offered this detailed drawing of his penis. I hope that none of you are reading this during your lunch.

In relation to the case I decided to include my own picture of a d**k.... eerrrr I mean penis. I am not sure if there are splotches... but I think you guys get the picture. Although it could easily be mistaken for someone's rendering of an asshole.

SIU Probes Death at Ottawa Airport
 

Ontario's Special Investigations Unit is investigating the death of a 43-year-old man at the Ottawa International Airport.

The S-I-U says an Air Canada passenger began acting in a bizarre manner yesterday morning, with passengers and airport staff hearing loud screaming in French.

Obviously he was trying to surrender to an invisible aggressor.

Spokesperson Rose Bliss says the man went into medical distress when he was handcuffed by Ottawa Police officers. He was pronounced dead at the Ottawa Hospital Civic Campus.

Now the French are dropping dead instead of simply surrendering? WHAP!

Monday, 06,2005

Hundreds Of Cases Involving Breath-Alcohol Tests Tossed In Seminole

Hundreds of cases involving breath-alcohol tests have been thrown out by Seminole County judges in the past five months because the test's manufacturer will not disclose how the machines work.

All four of Seminole County's criminal judges have been using a standard that if a DUI defendant asks for a key piece of information about how the machine works -- its software source code, for instance -- and the state cannot provide it, the breath test is rejected, the Orlando Sentinel reported on Wednesday.

Ted Kennedy announced that he will be running for office in Seminole County and that he was looking for his pants and the keys to his car.

Kite-flying event claims 13 lives
 

Thirteen people were killed and more than 500 injured during a kite-flying festival in the eastern Pakistani city of Lahore. Can those freaks over there do anything without killing and injuring multitudes? 

Seven people with severe head injuries died in the city's General Hospital alone, and about 220 people were admitted with a variety of injuries including broken bones, hospital officials said.

The two-day festival of Basant, marking the start of spring, began with thousands of revelers perched on rooftops.

Two teenagers were killed when they fell from a roof, and two more were killed when a car hit them while they were trying to catch a stray kite, police said.

A man was killed by a stray bullet, while another was electrocuted when metal wire used to fly a kite became draped over live electric lines. Meanwhile, the festivities continued amid chants of "Bo Kata" (We have cut) as rival kites came down.

This gives new meaning to the phrase, "Go fly a kite!" huh?

FREAKS!!!! WHAP!

Queer Eye guys to pitch Red Sox show at Fenway

Four of the Fab Five from ``Queer Eye for the Straight Guy'' will reunite with their fave jocks-to-tszuj June 5 when they toss out the first pitch at Fenway Park.

I think this will finally answer their little squabble over who throws more like a girl!

The long-running scientific debate about whether homosexuality is determined

by nature or nurture is dramatically closer to resolution after new scientific evidence was published yesterday.

So they are trying to explain human nature by studying freaking fruit flies??? Who paid for this study, Jeff Goldblum??? Does the word fly stick out to you guys?????  And isn't ironic that they are studying sex on a FRUIT fly???!!!!!!!!  Anyway.....

Biotechnologists have found evidence that sexuality is, after all, determined by genes and not environment.

Unless the fly spent a lot of time watching Will and Grace.

Researchers discovered a single "switch gene" that swaps the sexual orientation of males and females. In the research, published yesterday, genetically altered male fruit flies spurned females and became attracted to other males. Genetically altered females engaged in complex male mating rituals, vibrating their wings, licking other female flies' genitalia and curling their backs ready for copulation. They rebuffed males that tried to mate with them.

Oh, man. This makes my brain hurt. WHAP! The study is so vapid that it makes me want to go swallow a fist full of Valium and lay back in a tub of mud with some cucumbers on my eyes