A BABE WITH BRAINS!

     Voted Website
       of the Month
       March 2004!

   A MUST READ

     Voted Website
       of the Month
       March 2004!

   A MUST READ

A BABE WITH BRAINS!

 
 A BABE WITH BRAINS!

     Voted Website
       of the Month
       March 2004!

   A MUST READ

     Voted Website
       of the Month
       March 2004!

   A MUST READ

A BABE WITH BRAINS!

           TSG

     Voted Website
       of the Month
       March 2004!

   A MUST READ

A MUST READ

     Voted Website
       of the Month
       March 2004!

   A MUST READ

A BABE WITH BRAINS!

           TSG

     Voted Website
       of the Month
       March 2004!

   A MUST READ

A MUST READ

     Voted Website
       of the Month
       March 2004!

   A MUST READ

A BABE WITH BRAINS!

           TSG

     Voted Website
       of the Month
       March 2004!

   A MUST READ

A MUST READ

     Voted Website
       of the Month
       March 2004!

   A MUST READ

A BABE WITH BRAINS!

           TSG

     Voted Website
       of the Month
       March 2004!

   A MUST READ

Thursday, 31, 2005

World's largest known prime number found

An eye surgeon in Germany has discovered the world's largest known prime number -- or at least his computer did.

The surgeon, Dr. Martin Nowak of Michelfeld, is among thousands of participants in the Great Internet Mersenne Prime Search, one of several big projects that tap idle computers worldwide.

Last month, Nowak's Pentium 4 computer concluded that a number it had been crunching on for more than 50 days was indeed prime, with only two integer divisors, 1 and itself.

Another computer which was using different software verified the results.

A prime number is a number that can only be divided evenly by itself and 1. Numbers like 2, 3, 5, 7...etc. The number 4 isn't prime because it can be evenly divided by 2. Got it?

Anyway, the number this guy came up with has 7,816,230 digits, and if printed in its entirety, would fill 235 newspaper pages. It would also equal the amount of doughnuts that Michael Moore consumes in an average year.

The first few Mersenne primes are easily verifiable -- inserting 2, 3 and 5 for n produces 3, 7 and 31, all prime -- but the math quickly becomes overwhelming for larger values.

In 1644, Marin Mersenne, a French monk, published a list of 11 prime numbers -- the highest being 257 -- for which he asserted that 2ⁿ-1 was also prime. That list was not fully checked until 1947, three centuries later. Mersenne turned out to be wrong about two numbers on his list and had missed three others, but his name still remains attached to the concept.

"Finding an additional prime doesn't enlighten us very much," said Dr. Andrew Odlyzko, a mathematician at the University of Minnesota.

Exactly! What an unenlightening waste of time, and they are wasting the resources of over 75,000 computers to do it. Hell, I can't believe I just wasted valuable space on my webpage to comment on this pointless story. Sorry. WHAP! To myself!.

Nude autograph session lands adult store in hot water

An adult video store in Massachusetts is being blamed for violating city ordinances because a porn star autographed and posed naked for pictures with fans.

The X-rated actress allegedly stripped and posed for photos. I hear that the line of fans was made up mostly of members of the Kennedy clan.

Peabody police detectives entered the Video Warehouse on Route 1 to investigate a complaint about a store promotion. Video Warehouse is in a location zoned for adult entertainment, but the store isn't licensed for live nude performances, said Police Chief Robert Champagne.

Ok, let me get this straight. You can buy a couple hundred gangbang videos, but you can't have your picture made standing next to a nude woman. WHAP!!!!! Serenity now!! My God! Our government officials just can't think logically. And, they damn sure don't live in enough fear of us. WHAP!

``It's one thing to go up and sign autographs, and another thing to pose for pictures in the nude,'' he told the Salem News. ``This is not like people signing baseball cards or something like that..."

You are damn right its not. If you want to get a baseball card signed, you have to give the shirt off of YOUR back in order to get one of those prima donna, self loving, "star" athletes to take the precious seconds out of their self-important life's to offer you a scribble. WHAP!

Wis. Professor to Test Stun Guns on Pigs
 

New Perfume Defines Celine Dion
 

Celine Dion has a new perfume out that is supposed to remind fans that she's a wife, mother - and confident woman. <and, untalented, annoying,  mouse faced, freak> It is called, Belong. 

Right. Whatever! I say out of the spotlight is exactly where she belongs. The article doesn't really describe the smell of the fragrance, or whether it will turn you into a talent less screaming banshee whose singing voice is very reminiscent of that of the screeching of a cat whose tail has been pinned under the leg of the rocking chair of a 400 pound woman.

Wednesday, 30, 2005

Police officer who stops speeding doctor gets suspended
 

Woman who found finger at Wendy's files claim against franchise

I once knew of a woman with twice her integrity who would have found the finger and then asked, "Where's the beef?"

A woman who bit down on a partial finger served in a bowl of chili at a Wendy's restaurant in California said she was disgusted by the experience while her attorney has filed a claim with the franchise owner.

Just how damn retarded do you have to be to not notice a finger in your spoon?

Anna Ayala, 39, of Las Vegas, was dining at the Wendy's in San Jose, Calif., on March 22 when officials said she scooped up the inch-and-a-half long fingertip in a mouthful of chili.

Proof positive that Wendy's chili is finger licking good.

China introduces new erotic kit for 'remote sex'

China has a new hi-tech sex invention that will allow people to enjoy the pleasure of "distant sex." The kits contain - a computer board, headphones and a microphone for naughty online communication.

Everything is complete with a vibrator or a vagina (depending on user's sex) - they are connected to personal computers through computer boards.

According to instructions, a male partner can control the vibrator of a woman and talk to her on the microphone, whereas the female partner in her turn is able to manipulate the vagina used by a man.

When the sensual system is connected to the computer and the online connection is established with a partner, the screen menu offers a variety of choices: vigorous movements or tender vibrations of a dildo, a strong or a delicate grip of a vagina. 

Or the usual what have you done for me lately, closed tight stay out grip.

Hopefully this will cut down on China's population explosion and Pee Wee Herman's trips to the "cinema."

It will definitely cut down on men need to learn the art of "spooning".

Cousins spurned by Pa. judge get married in Maryland
 

First cousins who were denied a marriage license by a Pennsylvania judge earlier this month were wed in a civil ceremony in Maryland, the couple said Monday.

I thought that only happened in the south. Damn, yanks! Always accusing us of doing what they are doing, but that is a whole other rant!

Eleanor Amrhein, 46, and Donald W. Andrews Sr., 39, of Logan Township petitioned the judge March 14, three days after a court clerk refused to marry them after learning they were first cousins. These freaks mothers are sisters. That would just make for a wonderful Christmas dinner wouldn't it?

They hoped the judge would grant an exception to the Pennsylvania law because they didn't plan on having any children. Huh? Or, I guess it would be better put, children that would have lived! 

The Pennsylvanian law, as is the law of man, was meant to prevent birth defects and other problems caused by marriage of close relatives.

"Everybody thought I should be ashamed of it," Amrhein said. "I am not."

Amrhein has no children; Andrews has three to other women.

Donald became close to Eleanor when he visited Pennsylvania for family gatherings when they were children.

"I started coming up here hanging out with mom's side of the family," Andrews told The Mirror of Altoona for Tuesday's editions. "I didn't seek her out. She didn't seek me out. But all along, there was something that clicked."

Seven years ago, the cousins met up again and they've been together for several years now.

"You can't control who you fall in love with," Andrews said.

Well, maybe not at 3 A.M., after you have been drinking Tequila since sun up! Which you shouldn't be doing with your cousin! Can't control????? WHAP!!!

About half of the states allow first cousins to marry, according to stateline.org, a research site on state laws.

Pardon me, guys. I'm going to go vomit. Let us just hope that his swimmers never meet her eggs! I don't think we really need that sort of prolific explosion of the number of mobile home parks in this country. WHAP!

Burning house was filled with marijuana plants

An Easter fire led police to find more than 100 pounds of marijuana, with some plants described as the size of Christmas trees.

When the firefighters responded to a house fire last Sunday, they discovered that the fire was caused by a pot-growing operation. The pot plants filled the entire house, which had been vacant for quite sometime. After investigating, they ordered 5 large Supreme pizzas, a couple of 2litre Cokes and 10 extra large bags of Cheetos. I think they also found copies of all of Cheech and Chong's movies and a few Willie Nelson albums.

Officers arrested John Tytus, 38, who lived across the street from the house. In his house, they found some marijuana in the toilet that they said he had apparently tried to flush.

He was charged with first-degree felonies of cultivation of marijuana and trafficking in marijuana. The police also found some cocaine - but no Robert Downey Junior crashed on the couch.

So What Rhymes With Big Mac?

 

Tuesday, 29, 2005

World's oldest monkey in captivity dies in Aichi

I had no idea Peter Jennings was even sick. Oh hold on....

The world's oldest monkey in captivity has died of a heart ailment, officials from the Japan Monkey Center said on Monday. In human terms, Buenos, a female black spider monkey believed to be at least 52 years old, would be the equivalent of 140 to 150 years old.

Which seems like how long Peter Jennings has been on the air.

Papua New Guinea's prime minister is to complain formally to the Australian government after airport security staff asked him to remove his shoes for a search, the Australian Associated Press reported Tuesday.

Sir Michael Somare was transiting through Brisbane airport on his way home to Port Moresby last week after attending a meeting of regional leaders in New Zealand when the incident occurred.

Somare told his country's EM TV News Monday that security staff had asked him to remove his shoes as he and his delegation passed through, AAP reported.

He reportedly called them all HEELS and wished horrible things on their SOLES!

Monday, 28,2005

I thought you guys would like to read this,

Normally I enjoy writing scathing rants about anti-American communists from Europe but when I read John Gibson's article on FOXNEWS.COM I was overjoyed.  I could not have put it better my self.  Although I shall try later on after Mr. Gibson's exquisite words.

Trust me ..... read it. Click the link.

Man Tries to Steal Gun to 'Rescue Schiavo'

A man was arrested after trying to steal a weapon from a gun shop so he could "take some action and rescue Terri Schiavo," authorities said.

Michael W. Mitchell, of Rockford, Ill., entered Randall's Firearms Inc. in Seminole just before 6 p.m. Thursday with a box cutter and tried to steal a gun, said Marianne Pasha, a spokeswoman for the Pinellas County Sheriff's Office.

Mitchell, 20, told deputies he wanted to "take some action and rescue Terri Schiavo" after he visited the Pinellas Park hospice where she lives, Pasha said.

Mitchell was in custody at the Pinellas County jail Friday after a judge set his bail at a total of $120,500 for the four charges of armed robbery, grand theft, aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and criminal mischief.

What do you want to bet they won't deny him food!

A 20-year-old man died when he accidentally shot himself in the head late Friday, Tucson police said. The man's younger brother and several friends were inside the car where the shooting occurred.

Adrian "A.J." White-Wolff, of the 7100 block of South Craycroft Road, was taken by friends to the Kino hospital emergency room, where he was pronounced dead at 11:07 p.m., according to a police report. Police reported that the shooting was accidental. Officials released few details about the shooting Saturday.

White-Wolff, his 19-year-old brother, Derrick, and a few friends were on their way home from a swap meet when he accidentally shot himself, said Doris Ann White-Wolff, his mother. "It was a stupid accident," she said. "Derrick said A.J. thought he was Marshall Dillon, flipping that gun around. They thought they were having fun."

Hmmm... I wonder what was going through his mind? Well, other than that arrant piece of hot lead!!!

U.S. still can't solve Azteca in qualifying loss

Prolific striker Jared Borgetti and Antonio Naelson scored four minutes apart in the first half, and the United States could only reply through Eddie Lewis in the 59th, the first U.S. goal in Mexico since 1984.

Mexico made up for the Americans' superior size by out hustling the visitors on both sides of the ball, said Mexico coach Ricardo Lavolpe.

"We were always taking the initiative," said Lavolpe, who received a congratulatory call from President Vicente Fox. "For 90 minutes there was only one team on the field."

The crowd booed the U.S. national anthem and a spattering of fans chanted "Osama! Osama!" before play started, and shortly after Lewis' goal.

One question. Why in the hell aren't we carpet-bombing the s**t out of those worthless bean suckers? They are the bane of our nations existence!

Friday, 25, 2005

Paula Abdul Charged With Hit-And-Run

We will file this one in our "How Ironic" section of the vast files of the Shovel library.

I must ask the musical question....  " straight up now tell me.....oh oh oh,.... am I caught in a hit and run...."

"American Idol" judge Paula Abdul was charged Thursday with hit-and-run driving for allegedly fleeing after her car clipped another vehicle on a freeway last December. 

I would like to see Simon involved in a hit and run.... as long as it involved a Mac truck and him walking across the street.

The city attorney's office filed the misdemeanor count, which carries a maximum sentence of six months in jail and a $1,000 fine. A message left for Abdul's spokeswoman wasn't immediately returned.

Authorities contend Abdul was driving Dec. 20 on a highway about 15 miles northwest of downtown when she changed lanes and struck another vehicle, causing minor damage. The driver and passenger snapped a photograph with a cellular phone camera and wrote down the license plate number of the car, which was traced to Abdul, city attorney's office spokesman Frank Mateljan said.

She had an alibi, but apparently it was about as legitimate as your average NBA's players child. What a moron! This prancing proprietor of intellect told the highway patrol investigators that her car couldn't have been involved because it was in the repair shop that day. Well, it didn't take a detective with the I.Q. of Sherlock Holmes to check the repair shop records and find that her car wasn't brought in until the following day. WHAP!

HBO MOVIE SHOWS RADIO 'AIR AMERICA' CHAOS

HBO is set to air a behind the scenes look at the launching of liberal radio network AIR AMERICA.

I wonder if it will be closed-captioned for the hard of thinking?

The documentary centers around what a fraud Evan Cohen, the founding chairman and main investor in the failing network is. 

It shows her coming into the Air America offices in the middle of the night to sign over the company. She then lies about how many ads have been sold and how much money is the Air America bank account. It turns out that the balance is a big fat zero. Which is actually a good number for liberals because they seem to have real problems counting much higher than that.

It shows how AIR AMERICA executives lied and lied again about not bouncing checks to their Chicago and Los Angeles affiliate owners. [The network was quickly thrown off the stations. The film captures AIR AMERICA staff first learning about the Chicago and LA nightmare by reading a DRUDGE REPORT exclusive on their computers.

There is a scene showing the phenomenally nauseating rodent, Al Franken ranting about President Bush at a staff meeting, then seconds after he is done he is informed that there is no money left.  I assume he was not be being all Stuart Smiley at that moment. 
 

The doubts. The lies. The bounced checks. The heartbreak. The viewer is taken up-close to witness the ugly business of media ambition.

LEFT OF THE DIAL shows an angry meeting of the writing staff being told how money was deducted from their checks to pay for health care -- but the money was never paid to the HMO and they were never covered!

Host Janeane Garofalo looks suicidal in nearly ever scene which she appears.
 

I imagine that is because the mindless little vagabond has finally figured out that she doesn't have the mental fortitude to enter the arena of ideas! I just wish she would figure out the concept of physical hygiene! NASTY!! Is she French? Because she looks like she has the same bathing habits. There isn't enough Clorox on this planet to clean her up enough for me to touch her - I would rather spend the rest of my life with a bottle of Nivea hand cream and the Farrah Faucet poster I got in 6th grade.

I told you guys when they started this that it would not work. They had to pay stations to take their show, which is 180 degrees out of phase with the way business works. WHAP!!!

David Cassidy Wants to Win Kentucky Derby

1970s teen idol David Cassidy thinks he has a contender for Saturday derby at Turfway Park..

"If I could win the Kentucky Derby, there would be nothing on the face of the earth, other than the birth of my son 14 years ago, to compare to the thrill and the high of it," he said Tuesday by phone from Florida.

He doesn't stand a chance. I'm betting he'll finish 3rd behind Julia Roberts and the obvious winner Sarah Jessica Parker. Why is it that I want to jam an apple in their mouths every time I see them?

         Have A Great Weekend And A Happy Easter!

                                                  See you Monday!

Thursday, 24, 2005

Many schoolteachers, editors and parents profess to be horrified by "Netspeak" - the distinctive language that young people are using more and more to talk with each other on the Internet.

Swiss to wrap glaciers in foil

Swiss authorities are planning to wrap mountain glaciers with tin foil this summer in an effort to stop them melting.

Upon hearing this, Ted Kennedy immediately drafted a beer.... err... I mean, drafted legislation, which he named  - "The security that there will always be ice for my scotch" bill. It is to include millions of dollars in new taxes for the development of BIG ASS glacier holding coolers.

I'm going to wrap my head in tin foil in an effort to keep all of these voices from entering my head.

Carlo Danioth, head of mountain rescue services in Andermatt, said: "We will initially cover around 30,000 square feet on the upper Gurschen glacier at the beginning of May as a test." Scientists hope that the high-tech foil will prevent the sun's rays from melting the ice in popular ski resorts during the summer months.

These environmentalist are nuts! They try and ban Freon, which is an element that will keep things frozen and cool, then they turn around and want to wrap the world in tinfoil, which is something that they don't want to see "clogging" up our landfills! Which do they want? WHAP!!!!!!

Protests Over 'Pornographer's Opera'
 

The prestigious Bolshoi Theater was embroiled in protests Wednesday by a pro-Kremlin youth group over the premiere of an opera by an iconoclastic Russian writer whom the demonstrators have branded a pornographer.

“We are protesting that a man who is a pornographer and uses foul language is being given a platform in the Russian State Bolshoi Theater, with state funds,” the group’s head, Vasily Yakemenko, told The Associated Press.

This opera is about a meeting of clones created by a Russian scientist of the five great classical composers—Tchaikovsky, Mozart, Wagner, Mussorgsky and Verdi. Oh boy, that sounds like an edge of of you seat gripper! If that plot made me yawn any harder my jaw would snap in half!

My one thought on this is the horror of the perfunctory act at the end of the show where the fat lady sings! YIKES!

 

A sting in the tale: drinking Snake Wine
 

If you’re looking for authentic Vietnamese snake wine there is no more obvious and better place to find it than Snake Village in Hanoi. Watching the drink being made is not for the faint hearted but if you’ve got as far as here then your curiosity will see you through.

These restaurants and bars keep various lethal snakes on show, in cages, for their customers to choose from. Once the customer picks the snake they want, it is pulled from the cage. Then it is held upright and sliced open from the head to the tail. Hmmm....Why can't we do this with Scott Peterson and Michael Schiavo?

Anyway, then the blood is poured into a vat and mixed with rice wine to form a tasty little drink. They also cut out the heart and gall bladder and mix them with wine in shot glasses. And to think that we have laws restricting the sale of Jell-O shooters here in this country!?? WHAP! The rest of the snake is then fried up and severed as an appetizer.  

Idol shaves his testicles
 

Billy Idol has decided to rebel against the ageing process by shaving off his grey pubic hair.

Ok, sorry about that visual, guys. Here is a complementary barf bag for each of you!

Idol, who has been bleaching the hair on his head for decades, has now resorted to a new tactic to combat unwanted color on his hair down below.

The 49-year-old rocker told Maxim magazine: "I shaved my balls - they were going grey, so I shaved them. It's like steel wool down there!"

I guess he must be doing a lot of dancing by himself as of late, then!

Texas Refinery Blast Kills Several People

An explosion rocked a BP oil refinery Wednesday, killing an undetermined number of people, injuring more than 100 and sending flames and black smoke billowing into the sky, authorities said. BP spokesman Neil Chapman confirmed fatalities but did not have a total number. The fire was extinguished after a few hours, and workers were searching through rubble for survivors or bodies.

The cause of the blast was not immediately known, but Democratic leaders blamed it on Halliburton, Dick Cheney and President Bush. Calling it a scam to line their pockets with insurance money.

The plant, which employs about 1,800 people,  is about 35 miles southeast of Houston, and it covers almost 1,200 acres. It has 30 refinery units that produce about 433,000 barrels of crude oil a day. That is about 3 percent of how much oil we use here in the United States. Or roughly .000005 percent of the oil that it takes to fry Michael Moore's hourly supply of mozzarella cheese sticks.
 

Veteran's memories are fresh

Jim Szakmary said war protesters spat on him when he returned home from Vietnam in 1969.

He doesn't want the same thing to happen to the men and women fighting in Iraq.

Memories of his own homecoming brought him to Fayetteville, where he and and about 200 others offered a counterdemonstration to Saturday's anti-war rally at Rowan Park. Szakmary said he wanted soldiers to know that someone stands behind them.

Yes we do!! Shovels in hand! Just incase those damn liberals get out of hand!

It was important enough to him to drive 11 hours from his home on Long Island, N.Y. He arrived in Fayetteville about midnight, he said.

One of our shovelers, Zak, a USMC '68 - '69 Vietnam Veteran, sent me some pictures from the rally. Click here to check them out!

Tuesday, 22, 2005

Friday, 25, 2005

Cows on I-75 lead to accident, injures

Felon Arrested For Letterman Kidnap Plot

A convicted felon who worked as a painter at David Letterman's Montana ranch has been arrested for allegedly plotting to kidnap the late night host's young son and the child's nanny.

According to police, Kelly Frank, 43, believed that he could extract a $5 million ransom payment from Letterman by holding the 16-month-old child for 48 hours.

The cops were alerted to this nuts scheme on March 13, when one of his friends told them that Frank had spoken to him about the kidnap plot and asked him to "think about it."

Additionally, Frank told the FBI that he had a key to Letterman's house, knew where the boy's crib was located, and had taken photographs of the buildings on the performer's sprawling ranch.

Everything turned out ok. So that is good. It looks like the little bastard is going to be fine. <note to those of you who don't get the bastard reference --  Letterman did not marry the mom> Gap toothed jackass.

An election experience

Incumbent mayor runs unopposed -- and loses

This guy - James Neville ran unopposed for a third term as mayor in a North Hempstead village, and lost.

He is the first to admit that he let his guard down.

"I got lazy," he said.

Running with the Unity Party in the tiny North Hempstead village of Baxter Estates, Neville shrugged off campaigning. A two-term village mayor, Neville, 51, came to office in March 2001, edging out challenger and two-term trustee John Maher by two votes.

He lost to a guy who got more write-in votes than he did. 29 to 14! 29 votes??? How could 29 votes get you elected to anything? Other than, maybe, the employee of the month at the local International House of Pancakes?  Whap!!

"This was a well-orchestrated sneak attack," said Neville, a criminal defense attorney who was born and raised on the Port Washington peninsula.

HUH? This putz didn't care enough to think that he needed to campaign! The other guy wasn't even running! Well-orchestrated sneak attack? Thank God this moron hasn't found his way into any of our intelligence agencies! He wouldn't recognize an attack if it were shooting him in the ass!

Our government is deluded with absolute IDIOTS! And they all believe that they have a lifetime appointment once they manage to get in. WHAP!!

Oxygen tank fire kills Quebec man

A 65-year-old man in Quebec City died Wednesday night when the oxygen tank that allowed him to breathe caused a fire.

The police think that the guy was smoking when he went up like Richard Pryor on a crack binge. Smoking while you are hooked up to an oxygen tank!?? Darwin didn't have to work for his paycheck on this one! Seems like his job has become extremely easy as of late, doesn't it? Whap!

Third-Grader Commutes to School by Mule

BISMARCK, N.D. -- Saje Beard's half-hour commute to class is the envy of her four classmates at a one-room schoolhouse just south of here. Most mornings, the third-grader makes the trek on Ruth the mule.

"She's called many things, but Ruth is what we call her in public," Saje said of the 4-year-old gray mule. "Actually, that's my dad's joke. She's really nice and gentle. And she sure is smart."

Saje, 9, is an old hand at maneuvering mules. She's been doing it since she was in first grade.

"I feel more safe with her riding a mule than having her ride in a car or on a bus," said her father, Marty Beard.

Saje's classmates, who are in kindergarten through fourth grade, help take off Ruth's saddle and tack. It's stored in the school's cloakroom, next to basketballs and other playground equipment.

The five children then run to the school's flagpole to recite the Pledge of Allegiance and sing the national anthem. The mule, named Ruth, prances and kicks up dirt as the children sing.

They actually go to the flagpole! God Bless America! I'm sure when the Democrats find out about this, they will find some way to stop the kids from committing that heinous act!

Mules are known for protecting themselves and their riders. Marty Beard said the mule would likely attack anyone who hassled Saje along the route.

Mules protect themselves and their riders. Hmmm....  Obviously, mules aren't related to the Kennedy family. Well, other than the fact that they are ASSES!

Thursday, 17, 2005

SUPPORT OUR TROOPS! 

This Saturday, March 19 in Fayetteville, North Carolina, the Old North State Chapter of Free Republic is holding a rally to support our troops.

The rally will serve as a counter-demonstration of a so-called antiwar rally being held that same day in Fayetteville.

This small town in North Carolina is being targeted by the anti-American left because it is the home of Fort Bragg. The leftists are trying to undermine the morale of military families and the soldiers stationed there.

Freepers will be holding a peaceful, law-abiding demonstration in support for our troops and their mission fighting the war on terrorism in Iraq, Afghanistan and elsewhere.

Any of you guys who are around there, take a few minutes out of your lives, grab your shovels, your flags, and show up swinging! This rally starts at 11 a.m. just across from Rowan Park. Grab a Vet and shake their hand, which is something that should be second nature to you anyway! 

Both of the links below contain more detailed information. GOD Bless America!!!

                HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

Robert Blake Acquitted of Murder

Did whitey get one over on the man?

Most women, accustomed to paying more than men for goods and services like clothes and hair cuts, simply shrug it off as part of life...... 

Wednesday, 16, 2005

Hot Sauce Leak Shuts Down Lane of Willow St.
 

Lafayette police were forced to shut down a portion of Willow Street at the Evangeline Thruway Monday evening. Fire officials say an 18-wheeler loaded with Louisiana Hot Sauce began leaking its liquid cargo onto the roadway. Firemen say they not only succeeded in hosing off the road, they also ended up inhaling enough of the hot sauce to clear out their sinuses.

Michael Moore succeeded in following along and inhaling enough of the sauce to make him swallow 20 gallons of Blue Cheese dressing to offset the heat from the sauce. I think the amount of wet wipes he used to clean himself would have bathed every single one of our troops in Iraq for a week!  A-hole!

He then had some cheese cake, salsa and a box of Cheerios!

And then, ....he sat down for dinner!

Robotic dolls that behave like babies addicted to drugs and alcohol are being used to teach teenagers on Teesside the dangers of drink and drugs.

What the hell?  I'm just going to take my shovel and go lay down for a minute! Are we, as a world, going insane????

A Vancouver woman has filed a lawsuit against Cirque du Soleil alleging one of its clown's acts went terribly wrong.

I think the same thing happened back in 1978 with a one John Wayne Gacy.

Maria Miller had a stage-side seat at the July 2003 performance of Alegria Cirque du Soleil. Her lawyer, Val LeBlanc, said a clown tumbled across the stage towards the audience and was meant to stop. "It was supposed to thrill the audience, but a tether either broke or wasn't attached properly," he said Tuesday.

The lawsuit claims the burly performer tumbled into Miller, causing her numerous soft-tissue injuries.

Hold on, "burly performer"? What is that? Burly? Was this clown wearing a Rambo costume?  What is up with "burly"? WHAP!!!

She alleges negligence on the part of two performers and the circus. She is suing for her personal injuries, income loss and expenses because of the incident.

I'm going to go hunt down Bozo!!!

Personal injuries? I think she should sue herself for being worthless. It would be one hell of a suit - wouldn't pay a dime, but a hell of a suit none the less.  WHAP!!!!

Man arrested for sex with uncle's goat

A man was arrested for bestiality after he was found having sex his neighbor's goat at a village in Limpopo on Sunday morning, police said.

Police Inspector Ntobeng Phala said the owner of the goat heard the animal crying from the kraal at Zist Village, Ga-Maleboho, about 200km northwest of Polokwane.

He went to see what was going on and "came across this man stark-naked, busy having sex with one of the goats".

Phala said the man was even more shocked to discover the naked man, 42, was his nephew and his neighbor.

The shocked uncle summoned the police who arrested the man.

How could you do that to a kid? Kid! Get it? Okay, I am going to hell for that one. Sorry!!!!

Monday, 14, 2005

Mount Ida Widow Says Security Officer Adds Trauma to Tragedy

Even before Barbara Sprague lost her husband ten days ago, life wasn't easy for the Mount Ida woman.

This lady is at risk of going into shock from a condition that will force her throat to close up and cut off her air supply. So, she keeps a 5-pound dog with her when she leaves the house. The dog wears a backpack that is full of the medicine and instructions that will keep her from suffering a life-threatening reaction.

On Monday, after picking up her husband's cremains, Sprague and her service dog went to the Social Security office in Hot Springs to handle some of her husband's paperwork.

At the office, the security guard yelled at her and then physically removed her from the building, because of the dog. The local media went back to the building, but the security guard stood behind his actions, saying he doubted the need for her to travel with the dog.

He also says he needs to see proof that the dog is indeed a service dog. Disability rights advocates say, based on Sprague`s story, the guard is out of line.

Well, DUH! But, he is a government employee, so what more amount of logic would you expect from him? I wonder if he could even spell dog when he filled out his report on the infraction?

They go on to say that Arkansans who use service dogs are not required by law to offer up papers or other proof.

Hillary didn't have to!! heeheeheee

D.M. council turns down chance to save $500,000

Des Moines City Council members rejected saving $500,000 on a water detention basin project, turning away all bids because the lowest was too low.

The savings would have been large enough to nearly pay for last year's decision to restore power to 4,200 streetlights that had been turned off in a cost-saving move.
 

Your government at work! WHAP! They will never do with less. There is never a cut in the budget. EVER! The budget has a yearly increase that is automatically figured in. Let's keep the numbers simple. We will say that the automatic increase is $10 dollars. The Democrats will ask for $50 million, and the Republicans will counter with $30 million. The Democrats will call that a cut, even though we are already spending $10 million more than we spent last year. Don't you just love the governments way of operating? WHAP! 

Officials of Corell Contractor Inc. of West Des Moines and a lobbyist for the Central Iowa Building and Construction Trades Council contacted council members before this week's vote and asked them not to hire Saxton. Corell employs union labor.

Iowa laws do not require cities to use union labor.

Des Moines Councilman Michael Kiernan this week made the motion to reject all bids, and all council members except Christine Hensley approved.

Kiernan maintained Thursday that his decision was not based on union pressure. He said he was concerned the bid was not legitimate despite Saxton's 35 years in business and high marks from former employers.

"We all want to save money, but sometimes deals are too good to be true," Kiernan said. "I'm sure they (Saxton) were disappointed, but the safest way in my mind was to reject all bids."

Why hasn't someone drug this guy out of hi office and beat him to death with a shovel? What a load!

The city will ask contractors to submit new bids for the detention basin project, located on five acres along the north bank of the Raccoon River near Southwest 14th Street. A detention basin holds thousands of gallons of water and prevents flooding.

Saxton said the company will again try to win the job. Des Moines, by Iowa law, is required to accept the "lowest responsible bidder," which is why officials said they rejected all bids and will start over.

Saxton, a Leon company with about 25 employees during peak construction months, submitted the low bid of $800,486 for a project city employees estimated would cost more than $1.3 million.

The company's bid was low because they had found someone to take the 163 million pounds of dirt that will be excavated from the site, thus saving thousands of dollars. Government! WHAP!

Man beaten, painted red

Johannesburg - A young man accused of stealing a bottle of brandy was admitted to hospital after being beaten and red paint poured over his naked body.

This sounds like a Richard Simmons fantasy to me.

Vusi Tosche, 21, said he went to Robby's Liquor Store in Hillbrow, Johanneburg on Saturday to compare prices as he wanted to buy some alcohol to take to a friend's birthday party.

Tosche said: "I was just holding a bottle of Klipdrift when a security guard approached me."

The security guard took Tosche to a storeroom at the back of the bottlestore and left him there while he went to call the owner.

"The owner came in with a bottle of cane spirit, which he forced me to drink. I was unable to drink it all, so they forced my mouth open and poured it down my throat."

Tosche said he was threatened with torture if he didn't finish the bottle.

"But I couldn't finish it. I drank half of it." He was then ordered to undress.

"The owner left the storeroom and came back with a five-litre can of wall paint. He told one of his employees to paint me," he said.

The employee poured the can of paint over Tosche. "After painting me they beat me with a steel rod."

A steel rod??!?!? Where was the shovel? If you are going to administer a beating, it has to be done with a shovel. We all know that, right? 

Bowling Balls Come in Different Scents

Would that be beer, lite beer, or your cousins favorite perfume?

From, of all places, this one come to us from Milwaukee....

Odors associated with bowling traditionally include smelly feet, cigarette smoke and beer. But what about grape, amaretto and cherry? One bowling ball manufacturer — Storm Products Inc. — is putting fruit and other popular scents into its mid- to high-end bowling balls, resulting in a steady increase in sales

Thursday, 10, 2005

Dan Rather: A Reporter Remembers

CBS News will mark the end of Dan Rather's 24 years as anchor and managing editor of the CBS Evening News with a one-hour primetime CBS News special.

I didn't watch it, I watched something a little more interesting and germane to my life - the wind blowing through the branches of the trees in my back yard.

In an honor to the love of his use of trite epigrams, let me say of Dick... errr... I mean Dan, that "this guys cheese had slid off of his cracker years ago!" and "it will be like saying good bye to that itch that your doctor finally found a salve for.", to see him go.  And the "Big Enchilada" thingy and of course, COURAGE

"Up yours, Dan! R.I.P."

Rather announced last November that he would step down from the broadcast on that day, exactly 24 years from his first day in the anchor chair for the broadcast.

He will continue to work full-time at CBS News as a correspondent for both editions of 60 Minutes, as well as on other assignments for the division.

In other words, we can fully expect to be fed more lies from old "objective" Danny Boy!

They had an hour which was supposed to be a candid memoir of Rather's extraordinary career, told in his own words. Told in his own words? Will there be one single ounce of truth in that thing? NO! God Almighty! WHAP!!!!!

Anyway, in his honor,

I have put him under the shovel, so go there and give him a beating! Send him out in a Shovelers fashion! WHAP! Click below and swing away!! Shovel him out in good fashion! Have fun! 

Nude Man Covered in Cheese Gets Probation

The police caught this guy running naked and covered in nacho cheese last summer. 

Bill Clinton to Have Scar Tissue Removed

Six months after undergoing heart bypass surgery, former President Clinton will return to the hospital this week to have a rare buildup of fluid and scar tissue removed from his chest.

Seriously though, I hope all goes well for Bubba.

Cat accidentally shoots owner in Iron County home
 

Prosecutors Subpoena Dog in Murder Case

Today's act of idiocy comes to us from Arkansas.

Prosecutors hoping for a witness in a murder case to roll over were barking up the wrong tree.

What a wordsmith!  uggghhhh!

They sent out a batch of subpoenas for anyone who had contact with Albert K. Smith while he was jailed awaiting his murder trial. One of those subpoenas went out to 5-year-old Murphy Smith -- Smith's dog, it turned out.

Albert had written his Shih Tzu a letter from his jail cell. Seems perfectly normal, doesn't it? I often write my dog, because he is a voracious reader and it cuts down on the time he spends licking himself. So, this story is a win-win, in my eyes. WHAP! 

Prosecutors realized the mistake on Tuesday after the defendant's brother brought in Murphy to answer the subpoena and a deputy would not let them into the courthouse because no dogs were allowed.

Prosecutor Robin Green said she apologized to the brother for any inconvenience, and added: "The dog was friendly enough and probably would have been a very cooperative witness."

Lassie claimed that it was nothing more than an attempt to keep the "barking man" down.

Oh, and just for the record, this Albert Smith freak is accused of shooting his ex-wife's boyfriend to death. What a man, huh? I'm betting this putz is the type of guy that buys his underwear at garage sales. He needs to be beat to death with a shovel!

Wednesday, 09, 2005

Japanese Siblings Live With Dead Parent

This is just strange!

An illegal immigrant from Mexico who filed suit after being seriously injured on a construction job won a four-million-dollar settlement in what his lawyers said is the largest payout ever to an undocumented immigrant, local media reported.

Ok. I am white-knuckle gripping my shovel after reading the headline and that first paragraph. Why in the name of all that is Holy does the press feel the need to call an illegal immigrant an "undocumented worker"??????  They just did that in the same damn sentence!!! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!

Drop the political correctness, please!! He is an ILLEGAL Immigrant!! Illegal!! Are we going to start calling rapist "undocumented sexual participants'??? Give me a damn break! WHAP!!! This sort of stuff makes me want to take my shovel to my own dome!

The jackass, who was in our country illegally, lost his sight in one eye and his sense of smell, broke several teeth and sustained serious injuries to his head, liver, kidneys and a lung after falling 30 feet from a scaffolding in New York in 2001. Cut the Tequila out of your daily lunch routine, you simp - and you might not have fallen! And count your loss of smell to be a blessing, considering the fact that the ilk you were born from, work around, and live with, day in and day out rarely give consideration to the act of bathing! 

Santo Domingo - The 21-year-old winner of a competition to drink the most tequila died on Monday and three other contestants were gravely ill in the hospital, officials said.

Ricardo Ivan Garcia drank more than 50 shots of tequila on Sunday night at Santo Domingo's Blanc, Dance and Lounge discotheque to win the prize of 10 000 pesos at a Mexican night celebration.

But he had taken ill, and rushed to hospital where he died within hours, apparently from heart failure brought on by alcohol poisoning, said public prosecutor Jose Hernandez Peguero.

Three other contestants remained in serious condition in the hospital. Ted Kennedy wants a further investigation because he says that, "50 shots never killed anybody - especially not old Uncle Teddy! 50 is a well balanced breakfast at The Kennedy Compound." He said. "Especially around the holidays, like Thanksgiving and Christmas." He then did a shot of Jack and accused Jose of faking his own death.

Another man cuts off penis, eats it

Ok, sorry, guys... but to me there is just something inherently wrong with that 'head' line! ANOTHER man cuts off penis, eats it. Just nonchalantly, like - another man cuts ham sandwich in half and eats it. He cut his Michael Moore off and ate it! Another man??  Insane!!!!

They apparently have a rash of this going on over there in the Philippines. Maybe they have a beanie-weenie shortage or something, I don't know, but the headline makes it sound like an everyday occurrence. Say, like  -- Another liberal puts his foot in mouth!.

Asked about Ernesto Almonte's mental state, a hospital spokesman said: "If you cut your sex organ and then eat it, then something is wrong with you."

DUH!!! I guess modern mental medicine is finally making its way to Malaysia! If you cut off any part of your body and eat it, not to mention your most coveted possession, THERE MIGHT BE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!!! I don't think they needed Dr. Laura or Dr. Phil to tell them that!

In 2003 a Malaysian man cut off his penis and fried it up before making a meal of it.

heard 'voices', probably caused by taking hallucinatory drugs, which urged him to mutilate himself.

Or he might have been channeling a very hungry, no food in the fridge, Michael Moore.

Upstate teacher suspended after she was found with 17-year-old
 

A man given six months to live by his doctors has been told by an Italian court to come back in 14 months to hear the outcome of his demand for insurance damages.

How is it that so many stupid people manage to get appointed, or elected, to the courts all over the world?

This guy has been diagnosed with an inoperable spine disease and all he wants is to get some of the $596,300 in damages that his insurers have agreed to pay. The monies are to help ease the pain of his final months of life. The courts are holding the money up.

Democrats be damned!

Tuesday, 08, 2005

Casino Company Buys 69-HH Stripper's Implant

A former stripper once cleared of battering a customer with her enormous breasts sold one of her silicone implants on eBay to the same company that recently bought a grilled cheese sandwich said to bear the image of the Virgin Mary.

Internet casino company GoldenPalace.com won the bid for the infamous implant at $16,766 on Saturday, according to the eBay Web site and the seller, known professionally as Tawny. Last year GoldenPalace paid $28,000 for a 10-year-old, partly eaten grilled cheese sandwich with an image many likened to the Virgin Mary. The company sent the sandwich on a national publicity tour, encased in clear plastic bag.

In 1999 this freak had her 69-HH breast implants removed.

She gained national notoriety in 1998 when a guy visiting the strip club she worked at sued her. He claimed that he suffered a whiplash injury when she swung her breasts into his face - saying that they were "like two cement blocks."

We large breast lovers should hunt this moron down and beat him with a shovel!

"The People's Court" television show picked up the case and the guy lost.

The judge, former New York City Mayor Ed Koch, ordered a female bailiff to examine Tawny in private. I hear that Ellen DeGeneres offered to pay to perform the examination, but was refused due to the amount of foam coming out of her mouth..

Anyway, the bailiff found the breasts to be "soft" and to weigh about 2 pounds each.

Koch ruled they were not dangerous and refused to award damages.

Dolly Parton laughed and went looking for some sequin "thingy's" for her knockers!

PEZ collectors hold convention in Wisconsin

For most people, PEZ is just a candy. But Barry Umbs calls his addiction to collecting PEZ dispensers "a bit of an illness."

Years later O.J. Simpson turned his wife into the first human Pez dispenser, but that  is a different story. 

The Rev. Al Sharpton is calling for a 90-day ban on radio and TV airplay for any performer who uses violence to settle scores or hype albums.

He then plans to immediately blame the ban on "whitey racists crackers who are trying to keep the rhyming brother down!"

Green Day awakens boy from coma

Corey suffered severe head injuries when he was involved in collision with a 4x4 vehicle while he was on his way to a shop to spend his birthday money.

Hell, or Green Day music? Beelzebub doesn't sound so bad at this point!

Wal-Mart to skirt size limit by building side-by-side

Wal-Mart is trying a new tactic to skirt local ordinances limiting the size of its stores

The company now plans to build two stores side-by-side at a site in Calvert County where plans for a single big store were thwarted by a size limit adopted last year.

Wal-Mart officials are calling it one of the first arrangements of its kind in the country. The store and garden center in Dunkirk will have separate entrances, utilities, and restrooms. And the combined size of the stores will be 30 percent larger than the 75-thousand square-foot limit for a single store.

The community affairs manager for Wal-Mart's eastern region, Mia Masten, believes it's the first time Wal-Mart will build two adjacent stores in response to size restrictions.

Can they try that same principle with Rosanne Barr's ass? Split it up?

People in Asia burn the midnight oil, sleeping later than most Americans and Europeans and then waking up earlier, a global survey on sleep habits has found.

They sleep more than us? One word, Ginseng. Shovel on! heehehheheeeeee

Monday, 07, 2005

Worker allegedly beat up by family in 'trash rage'

This comes to us from a Philadelphia family. Imagine that? Not Philly. I couldn't imagine that! Anyway, this family is facing aggravated assault charges because they beat up a city trash collector.

Richard Meyers says it started after he passed a house that didn't have its trash at the curb.

Meyers says he and a co-worker were slowly following their city garbage truck, picking up trash bags, when a man yelled for the truck to stop after it passed his house. Meyers says the truck kept moving, although slowly enough for the man to put his trash in the back.

Meyers says the man got angry -- then began hitting and kicking him, with his wife and two sons joining in.

Freaks! Oscar, from deep within the bowls of his can on Sesame Street, let it be known that these heathens heads were gonna roll.

Charlie, Denise & the Prenup

Actress Denise Richards just filed for divorce from Charlie Sheen.

Lets all say it together. "DUH!"

The chick writing this story rambles on ....

"There were some clues that all was not well in the Sheen/Richards household," she says. "They apparently were supposed to do a Valentine's Day photo shoot for a magazine that was called off at the last minute. There have been some whispers of Charlie just kind of enjoying the nightlife recently."

Umm .... would that be 10 pounds of blow and 69 hookers?

Man accused of making 40 prank calls to police

A Greenville man found out the hard way Tuesday it's not a good idea to mess around with the state police.
State police said they warned James J. Babcock, 39, to back off or be arrested after he allegedly placed 10 rapid-fire prank phone calls to the emergency line of the state police barracks in Middletown Tuesday.
Babcock apparently didn't get the message. Police said he immediately placed 30 more prank calls to the station after the warning.
And got arrested.
Babcock was charged with second-degree aggravated harassment, a misdemeanor, and disorderly conduct, a violation. He was released to appear in court at a later date.

Ok I did the same thing. Prove it and sue me!

Yuck! Wanted Woman Hides in Septic Tank

Getting tanked has a whole new meaning for a woman on the lam.

Brandy Shante Moss, 19, decided that police wanting to talk to her about a domestic dispute complaint would never think to look in a septic tank.

This freak tried to hangout in a septic tank

"Brandy you're a fine girl! What a good septic manager you would be.yaaayaayayyaaa"

Anyway, the tank collapsed on her, injuring her so much that she had to go to the hospital. Talk about stepping in it!!!

How high do you have to be to even consider hiding out in a septic tank? This girl must have woke up and went Cheech and Chong on herself!  Read on.....

Elderly woman impaled in tub for six hours

92-year-old Harlem woman who fell in her bathtub became impaled on the cold water tap and screamed for help for more than six hours before she was rescued, the fire department said.

Firefighters cut the metal tap with bolt cutters and took her to Harlem Hospital.

 Just damn! You want to talk about "help I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Fossett's Solo Flight Ends in Success

The millionaire adventurer on Thursday became the first person to fly around the world alone without stopping or refueling, touching down in central Kansas after a 67-hour, 23,000-mile journey that appeared endangered at times by a troubled fuel system. Fossett, who failed five times before successfully circumnavigating the globe solo in a balloon, needed just one try to make the trip in a plane. A very impressive record. But, 67 hours without taking a leak Very impressive!

Friday, 04, 05

Zippo Upset by Federal Airport Ban

The war on terror is making an American flame sputter.

Zippo Manufacturing Co., which prides itself on its classic brass-and-chrome lighters, says new air travel security regulations could cut into sales by as much as 30 percent.

The U.S. Transportation Security Administration has announced it will ban butane, electric and absorbed fuel lighters aboard all aircraft and in areas behind airport security gates beginning in April.

What is the point of this? New government regulation make my eyes light up - much in the same way they do when I see my doctor put on the rubber glove! It makes me wonder, does our government purposefully hire people who don't have the cerebral fortitude to run a dishwasher, much less an administration that was formed to watch out for our security? I think government jobs are proof positive that we have an employment safety net. The problem is, these lummoxes are turning the net into a big damn hammock!

The airport and commercial airliners are Zippo's most reliable routes. Millions of the lighters are bought on impulse at the duty-free shops and at vacation spots.

The company makes all its lighters in Bradford, a town in northwest Pennsylvania with a population of about 9,500. The company sold 14 million of them last year, said Greg Booth, president and chief executive officer.

The Zippo lighters have passed all the very stringent standards for both the American Society for Testing Materials and those of the International Standards Organization. They had been classified as nonhazardous. So what is the beef here? Your wonderful government at work, guys. Don't you love it?

So, what does all this mean? A 30% drop in Zippo sales and a 0% drop in the possibility of an act of terrorism being committed on our airliners! WHAP! 

The video game industry announced a new category Wednesday. It will be for children approaching their teens. The new category will be called the "E10+" category and it is meant to make up for the gap between the "E" for everyone category and the "T" for teen, that is for games that some parents consider too violent or mature.

With the new category, the game, which includes a little more violence than other Mario-based games, might have gotten a permissible "E10+" instead. At the least, it could bring more choices to parents and their young children, who often don't see eye-to-eye when it comes to the form of entertainment that has infiltrated millions of American households.

The ratings range from "EC" for early childhood to "AO" for adults only. I hear they are working on a few new ratings, "HNL" for have no life, "RRS" for really really stoned and "NBL" for never been laid.

Police: Choking man coughed up cocaine packets

I know, just like me - you guys read that headline and thought, "Oh man, Robert Downey Junior is on another bender. Not the case though.

As police officers brought Terrance Haynes into the Sixth Precinct in Coram Tuesday night on a charge of marijuana possession, he had trouble speaking, then breathing. Then, Haynes turned blue.

The Long Island police had to give him the Heimlich maneuver. Good thing it wasn't San Francisco or it might have been the Hindlick maneuver. Ok, sorry, take your shovel to me for that one if you want! Anyway, they give him the squeeze and out popped the bag.

The bag was a plastic baggy that contained 11 little paper packets of cocaine, with each probably containing a half-ounce to an ounce of the drug, police said.

They approached the guy because he was parked on a corner, talking to another guy and they thought it looked like a drug deal. They didn't find any drugs on the other guy. They assume this jackass tossed the bag in his mouth and planned to spit it out when they weren't looking. He could get 25 years for the possession charge.

That is just flat out ludicrous! If he'd had a naked 8 year old girl in the car with him he would probably get 5 years. Our court system is so backwards! I need to take my shovel and straighten the damn thing out!! WHAP!

Danish filmmaker Lars von Trier, who is putting the final touches on the sequel to his 2003 movie "Dogville", has reportedly cut a scene showing the slaughter of a donkey after receiving heaps of protest mail. According to Danish news agency Ritzau, the scene in "Manderlay" shows starving inhabitants of a small town slaughtering and quartering the animal.

What? But slaughtering humans in movies is just fine. I hate those P.E.T.A. people! Can't we put them all on a giant ship and set a course for a huge iceberg? 

"I'm the George Washington of mayors. I can't tell a lie. If they didn't want the answer the kid shouldn't have asked the question," Goodman said. "It's me, what can I do?"

I assume that not only is this guy Mayor, but he is also the CEO of the the Phenomenally Ignorant Coalition. These are 4th graders!! You oaf! Why not just let it all hang out? "I like drinking, gin, and banging the snot out of those high dollar hookers that the casino owners send over as "gifts."  Obviously this guy wasn't channeling Mr. Rogers while he was talking to these kids. What a putz! WHAP!

SEOUL, South Korea -- North Korea demanded that the United States apologize for designating the country as an "outpost of tyranny" and it threatened to resume long-range missile tests. However, the North also held out the possibility of returning to nuclear disarmament talks if Washington agrees to coexist with the communist country.

What a joke. How about we halfheartedly apologize for turning your country into one big sheet of glass just seconds after you threaten us? Shut up! WHAP!  

Wednesday, 03, 2004

Bubba the huge lobster dies at Pittsburgh Zoo

Bubba, the 23-pound-lobster that got front-page treatment today after a seafood store spared its life, died at about 3 p.m. today at the Pittsburgh Zoo and PPG Aquarium.

They are going to do an autopsy to determine the cause of death of this crusty old crustacean. Who in the world is going to pay for that? I hope to God it isn't taxpayer monies.

It is a damn lobster, guys!

They think the thing is around 100 years old. 100 years old! I think you have your answer here. He died because he heard the false rumors that President Bush was going to take away his Social Security money. They say he did not eat after his transfer. Obviously, he was doing his impression of your average super-model. It cost him his life.

Michael Moore showed up at the wake in a bib, with a tub of garlic butter and a basket full of warm little cheddar biscuits.

Get this off my penis!

Raju Shetty’s (28) attempt to adopt an inventive method to enhance sexual pleasure landed him on the surgeon’s table yesterday.

Inspired by the fad of body piercing, the Pantnagar resident substituted a ring with a metal nut and pushed it around his penis. Problem was, the metal stayed stubbornly stuck to his organ for over two hours.

A hex nut? This sounds like a pit crew story that NASCAR would be working very hard to keep under wraps. 

This guy was infatuated with body piercing, but I guess he didn't have the money to go out and actually purchase a ring, so he grabbed a hex nut and jammed it onto his Bill Maher.... eeerrrrrrr, I mean dic... errrr.. I mean organ.

After two hours of failing to try and get the nut off of his Bill Maher... errr.. I mean penis,  he BOLTED to the hospital.
 

The surgeon said, “The nut was so tight that it caused a severe swelling on the organ due to which the blood supply to that part of the anatomy was stopped. It took us almost two hours to get the nut out. Had the patient delayed admission by few hours, we would have had to amputate the organ, as the affected area may have developed gangrene.”

Earnhardt Junior's pit crew claimed that they could have had him in, the nut off, and back out into the rat race in under 10 seconds!

Logo draws fire from N.Y.
 

New York has no love for North Carolina, at least not when it comes to the state's famous "I [heart symbol] NY" logo.

A North Raleigh clothing designer named Michael Stewart is in hot water with the state of New York over T-shirts he designed with an "I [heart symbol] NC" logo.

Police: Southwestern Pa Men Trade Goat Meat For Crack

State police said a goat is the unlikely victim of drug trafficking in Fayette County.

Police charged four Connellsville men Tuesday with stealing and killing a 4-year-old pygmy goat on Christmas Eve.

A pygmy goat? Heartless bastards!! A pygmy? Willie Wonka will surely be pissed!

Police identified the suspects as Charles Smith, 48, and Charles Smith Jr., 20, James Walter Albright, 37, and Gilbert Wesley Fisch, 38.

They cut the goat up and traded its meat to a drug dealer -- in exchange for crack cocaine.

A goat for crack? Do we need anymore proof that illegal immigration from Mexico is out of control??? Or that the DEA needs to take a closer look at Starr Jones?

Police said Albright dragged the animal from its pen and tied it to a shrub, where he and the younger Smith killed the animal by beating its head with either a hammer or a steel pipe.

Would one of you guys petition your representatives to pass a law stating that I can tie these guys to a shrub and beat them to death with a shovel???

                                           Just a picture from Iraq.

Tuesday, 2, 2005

Study: Drinking Triples Injury Risk

There's more evidence that overindulging in drink can have very serious consequences: A new study finds drinkers are three times more likely to die from injury as non-drinkers or former drinkers.

The story says that the study found that you were 3.6 times more likely to drown if you had been drinking than if you were sober.

Might I ad to that list a few other things you might be more likely to do if you have been drinking? How about dropping your pants at the company Christmas party, waking up naked with your cousin, vomiting uncontrollably into your own shoes, thinking to yourself, "that Rosanne Barr is kinda cute", forgetting for a moment that Peter Jennings needs to be beat to death with a shovel and of course, the mother of them all - yelling to your friends, "Hey watch this!" 

The study, by researchers at the Center for Injury Research and Policy at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, also found that female drinkers had a greater increase in the risk of committing suicide or murder than male drinkers.

I guess they took Ted Kennedy out of the equation in this study.

Drinkers were defined as people who had consumed at least 12 drinks within a year. The researchers examined U.S. data from two nationwide surveys involving more than 48,000 people.

What? Well, there went the validity of that study! 12 drinks in a year?? That is not drinking!  It usually takes 12 drinks in a few hours to cause these deaths. Maybe these people have an anti-alcohol agenda. Maybe? What am I saying? You know they do.

The Shovel just did a study. The results show eating 12 potatoes a year increases the chances that you might suffer any and every injury or cause of death known to man by 100%. WHAP!

Tucson police search for partially nude man who escaped custody

You Arizona Shovelers keep an eye out for a half-nude dude in handcuffs. It seems that the Tucson Police are searching for a man who escaped from the Tucson City Court room this morning.

Joe Ochoa, 41, of the 6700 block of East 17th Street, was supposed to appear for a drug paraphernalia violation and also had pending felony charges of burglary, theft and probation violations. Police say his hands are cuffed to his waist and he is wearing only gray boxers. They found his clothing just outside the court.

Is it just me, or does this sound like a Charlie Sheen sighting? Anyway, note to future escapees -- Being handcuffed and half naked isn't the best way to insure that you will blend into the crowd and not draw attention to yourself. WHAP!

A 15-year-old who has eaten little other than jam sandwiches for 11 years has had tests to see what effect they have had on his body.

Tests revealed that while Craig's liver and kidney functions are normal, he is close to developing iron deficiency.

Iron deficiency can lead to severe anemia that often lands people in the hospital.

The kid plans to start eating things from other food groups. I think they should hire Michael Moore to help the boy in his quest to become an omnivorous food hound! 

The Good Eats Drinking Game

Since Good Eats is a cooking show, you could substitute food for drink, but I wouldn't recommend it. Why mess with a proven success. Of course, I do not wish to encourage any activity that would cause health, legal or other issues. So, use whatever drink you would like. If you are over 21, one drink equals: 1 (one) chug o' beer (not a sip), 1 (one) chug o' wine (not a sip), 1 (one) healthy intake of mixed beverage (not a sip), or one (1) shot of spirits (if you don't want to watch the entire show.)

Take one drink when...

This is a bizarre page. No comment, just thought I would pass it on. If you are into juvenile drinking games, or cooking, read it. Funny stuff. 

Tuesday, 01, 2005

Uproar over naked photos of dementia residents

Two freaks who work at a Christian nursing home in Brunssum have been fired for taking naked photos of residents who are suffering from dementia. 

People at Huge Juggs Magazine do that everyday, and get paid well to do it.

The photos were taken about a month ago, but it is not yet certain if they have been published on the internet or elsewhere.

These jackasses were caught because they showed the photos to colleagues. The colleagues then turned around and told management. Say it with me.... DUH!!! WHAP!

The workers are accused of using a mobile phone to take photos of naked residents who are suffering from dementia, the client council of the South Limburg Christian Healthcare organization said.

An Eyeful a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

What was that smell? Gas company not sure

A smelly story from the windy city? Ironic?

A mysterious, gas-like odor in Northwest suburbs stretching from Park Ridge to Crystal Lake early Sunday left fire departments and Nicor Gas officials searching for a source but coming up with no definite answers.

While fire and police officials in affected communities initially relied on explanations ranging from a refinery fire in northwest Indiana to an over purging of a natural gas system near Lake Michigan, it was soon discovered that none of these theories might be true.

They never figured out where the smell was coming from, but we have it on good word here at the Shovel that Rosanne Barr was vacationing in the city and was on a hotdog binge!

Teen accuser told investigators he knew more about "birds and bees" than Michael Jackson

The Los Angeles boy who has accused Michael Jackson of molestation told investigators that the singer was a naif when it came to "the birds and the bees," claiming that his alleged abuser "didn't know much. I knew more than he did."

At the interview's conclusion, a detective asked the child about conversations he had with Jackson about girls and any related guidance offered by the performer. The boy, who was 13 at the time of the alleged molestation, replied that Jackson would "always, like, try to give me" advice about "the birds and the bees."

However, the boy told investigators, "He didn't know much. I knew more than he did."

Can I borrow a vomit bag from one of you guys?

Buffalo Nickel is Back

A pair of Buffalo nickels are displayed in Washington, Wednesday, Feb. 23, 2005. Watch out for the stampede! Millions of American buffalo are headed to cash registers near you. Sixty-seven years after the government minted its last buffalo nickel, the symbol of the American West is returning to the five-cent piece.

I hear that Starr Jones is going to be on the flipside of the coin.