My visit to computer crash hell.

Sorry for the inconvenience, but in order to serve you better, we are currently upgrading things here at Shovel Central.  Blah..blah...blah...<did that sound like your typical customer service crap, or what??

Anyway, we are doing some upgrades. We should be back up and running in a couple of days. Until then, continue to send me your emails. We will catch up when this is done.

Hell, take this time to catch up on past shovel swinging greats! 

Mother upset over porn in brand new DVD player

A Cleveland area mother is outraged and offended after getting more than what she paid for at a local Wal-Mart store.

If I see that damn Applebee's commercial where those two Mongoloid idiots sing their  "Gilligan Island" song one more time, I am going to start taking hostages!!! That stinking restaurant has always had obnoxiously annoying commercials, but this one makes me want to jam ice picks in my ears!! Their food sux too!

Mother upset over porn in brand new DVD player

A Cleveland area mother is outraged and offended after getting more than what she paid for at a local Wal-Mart store.

Vandals smashed the window of a family home in Essex and threw a pig's head into their living room.

Thursday, 30, 2006

Poll: Americans See, Hear More Profanity

This is a story about words we can't print in this story. You probably hear these words often, and more than ever before. But even though we can't print them, we do have our standards, we can certainly ask: Are we living in an Age of Profanity? 

Huh? What the f**k is this guy babbling about? I mean, d**m! Who didn't know that?

I do know one thing, we don't have no standards as far as 'journalist' being able to write a cohesive f**king sentence goes. Read on... this guy has the writing skills of a d**m 4th grade a**hole.

Nearly three-quarters of Americans questioned last week - 74 percent - said they encounter profanity in public frequently or occasionally, according to an Associated Press-Ipsos poll.

Two-thirds said they think people swear more than they did 20 years ago. And as for, well, the gold standard of foul words, a healthy 64 percent said they use the F-word, ranging from several times a day (8 percent) to a few times a year (15 percent).

Ummm... this guy has to be one of the worst writers I have ever seen.  His writing makes me want to use the F word.

Why is it that most of our news today is based on polls? What f**king happened to actual reporting? Anyway, part of this guys 'investigation' brought him to a bartender who is sick of the F word and claimed that he says this to patrons who use the word too much. 

"Do you have any idea how many times you've just said that?" he reports saying from time to time. "I mean, if I take that out of your vocabulary, you've got nothin!'"

The fact is that you could say the EXACT same thing about Al Pacino's acting career. WHAP!!!

Tuesday, 29, 2006

Teen girl berserk in court

CHAV thug Leanne Black hurls eggs at newsmen yesterday — before going berserk in a courtroom.

The obnoxious 14-year-old, who became Britain’s youngest drink-driver when she was 12, was hauled before magistrates for being boozed-up at the wheel AGAIN.

Heart Disease Charity Exec Embezzled $237K To Pay Dominatrix

A charity foundation's former accountant, accused of embezzling heart disease research funds to pay an Ohio dominatrix to beat him, pleaded guilty Tuesday to grand larceny and admitted that he stole more than $237,000.

Wouldn't it be ironic if this guy developed a heart problem that little was known about because the researches funding request was $200,000 over the allotted budget?

Alexander's lawyer, Herschel Katz, said his client will raise as much of the money as he can by selling his interest in the Long Island house where he lives with his wife, who is divorcing him, and his two children.

Katz also said Alexander's guilty plea to second-degree grand larceny, a charge that would have been punishable by up to 15 years in prison upon conviction, means that he will probably be deported to his native India after he finishes his sentence.

Like prison is going to be punishment to this freak. He will enjoy the relentless ass poundings that he is going to get.

One question, though. Why are we going to use taxpayer money to pay for food, housing and health care for this pervert for 15 years??!!!?? Why not just go ahead and deport him and then garnish 50% of his wages for the next 15 years?? WHAP!! 

Note to this guy.... drop by my place and I will give you free unmerciful shovel beatings anytime you want.

Tuesday, 28, 2006

Pre-School Parents Upset Over Play-Doh Figures

Mr. Bill read this and screamed, "Ohhh... Nooooo!!!"

Play-Doh is a childhood standard, but in one nursery school program, the play turned naughty.

Parents in the Deer Lakes School District say ninth grade students who helped with a nursery school program made inappropriate figures with their play-doh.

Parents say some ninth graders assisting their children formed male body parts with the dough.

Male body parts?? Like what, an adams apple? Oh, wait. Maybe this journalist was afraid to use the word - penis. Well, I'm not. I'd even go so far as to call it a Dil-Doh!

Shoulder-Fired Missiles Pose Serious Threat to Passenger Jets

The potential target: an American commercial jet. The potential weapon: a shoulder-to-air missile that terrorists fire at the jet on takeoff. 

Although all the attacks to date have been on foreign soil, a potential attack on an American commercial jet remains a very serious concern. They say that an estimated 20,000 shoulder-fired missiles, most of them made in Russia, are for sale on worldwide black markets. 

WHAP!!! WHAP!!! WHAP!!! This story has been sitting on a shelf collecting dust for over four years - why is ABC bringing it up now? Oh, wait... me remembers - this is election season. It is bias time.

ABC News will most likely follow this story up with a story of how President Bush invented the shoulder-fired missile while he was AWOL from the National Guard and that he used the money he made from selling them to buy a ten gallon hat full of cocaine.

But in the United States, four years of warnings and congressional hearings and millions spent on feasibility studies have not led to an approved anti-missile system for commercial aircraft.

Huh?? BUTT THE HELL OUT GOVERNMENT!!! These are commercial, private sector airlines! Let them decide which systems they want to use. The systems will end up being 10 times better than anything our worthless government bureaucrats would pick out and they will cost US one tenth of the money! WHAP!!

The federal government still has no definitive plan to protect U.S. commercial aircraft, even though two companies have developed systems that they affirm will defeat the missiles.

While Congress has appropriated more than $200 million to develop and study the systems over the past three years, President Bush's latest budget requested only $4.9 million for the program, which some industry sources say could signal the end of its development.  

What ever, you little bleeding-heart liberal with a mouse and keyboard. Just because Congress appropriated it doesn't mean that it will cost that much. Those money and power hungry freaks up there on the hill would appropriate $10 million for a $10 dollar bag of marbles. I wonder how many millions of pork is buried in the small print of that $200 million.

Monday, 27, 2006

Sleep Deprivation: The Great American Myth

People who get only 6 to 7 hours a night have a lower death rate than those who get 8 hours of sleep.  —From a six-year study of more than a million adults.

Charlie Sheen read this and, after a moment of reflection, mumbled - ".. so, my  two week long coke benders are actually good for me? Hell, I might live forever!"

Thanks to the marketing of less addictive drugs directly to consumers, sleeping pills have become a hot commodity, especially in the past five years. People worldwide spent $2 billion on the most popular sleeping pill, Ambien (zolpidem), in 2004, according to the BioMarket, a biotech research company.

Earlier this month, it was reported that some Ambien users are susceptible to amnesia and walking in their sleep. Some even ate in the middle of the night without realizing it.

Ate without realizing it?? Am I safe in assuming that this disorder will be named after Michael Moore??

Reading bulls**t studies like this shorten my life span - but I do it for you Shovelers!

Actually, what shortens your life is listening to the press every time they run these baseless, moronic studies and then changing your lives and diets and habits accordingly.

You don't live longer by sleeping less, it just makes it seems that way!!

There will be 10 studies in the next week that will refute this finding. But, there will be none refuting the fact that stepping in front of my shovel has been proven to immediately induce sleep!! WHAP!! 

Church members beat, hog-tie burglary suspect

At about 1 this morning, a man broke in. Church members were waiting for him inside. They beat him with their bats and tied him up with tape. Police identified the burglary suspect as Ralph Thomas.

And, you will know my name is The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee! .... with a bat.

I wish it had been a Shovel. Robbing a church? Man, this guy must want a top-level  job in hell.  

Man gets probation for shooting at remote-controlled planes

A Washtenaw County man says he was defending his family when he shot down his neighbor's radio-controlled model airplane.

David Nuttle of Webster Township pleaded guilty to one count of malicious destruction of property.

Nuttle pumped two shotgun holes in the plane. He says it crashed when the child who was operating it lost control after being frightened by the shots.
 

You don't pump two shotgun holes into something. Obviously this MORON reporter has never fired a shotgun!! Probably never even held one. Also, can we all assume that the 2nd Amendment makes him curl up like a slug that just had a pound of salt dumped on it? WHAP!!!

A judge in Chelsea sentenced Nuttle to six months of probation and 50 hours of community service. He also must pay 154 dollars restitution and 550 dollars in fines.
 

He will also be sentenced to 69 hours of watching a tuxedo clad midget running in circles shouting, "DA PLANE, BOSS! DA PLANE!"

Nuttle regrets his actions but he says the planes have been a nuisance. He says they scare his children, spook his chickens and cause his goats to faint from exhaustion.

Insert your own fainting goat/Alabama resident joke here!!!

'99 Red Balloons' Video to Air for an Hour

They're kidding, right? VH1 Classic will present a full hour of the English and German music videos for the 1984 hit "99 Luftballons," aka "99 Red Balloons," by German rock group Nena.

The music video presentation, to air Sunday (2 p.m. EST), caps off the cable channel's "Pay to Play for Hurricane Katrina Relief," which raised over $200,000 for Mercy Corps, a humanitarian relief organization.

Viewers could request one video to be played on VH1 Classic for every $25 donation. For a $35,000 donation, they could select an hour's worth of music videos from the 1960s through the early 1990s.

VH1 has not released the name of the viewer, leading us here at the Shovel Swinging Unit to believe that this is just one big publicity stunt, or an attempt at causing worldwide suicide. We are keeping a sharp spade on it.

Personally, if I were going to attempt to cause worldwide suicide I would request a  Barbara Streisand tune. That way you would only have to play it once. Oh, wait.... her tunes only SEEM like they last for an hour. WHAP!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, 24, 2006

Repeat child sex offenders could face death
 

State senators are considering a proposal that would allow South Carolina to execute those convicted two or more times of sexually assaulting children.

The amendment came as the Senate took up sexual offender legislation crafted in response to a Florida girl kidnapped and killed last year and a week after a Hartsville man was charged with abducting two girls to an underground shelter and assaulting them.

Currently, South Carolina prosecutors can only seek the death penalty for murder with aggravating circumstances. If the proposed amendment by Sen. Kevin Bryant of Anderson passes, South Carolina would join Louisiana as the only other state to allow the death penalty for an offense other than murder, senators said. 

Child sex offenders should have their day in court and then be immediately taken out back and beaten to death with a shovel!! Very slowly. How many body cavities could we actually get a shovel into? Wouldn't it be fun to find out?

I would like a few others to be allowed for consideration for the death penalty in amendment - people who walk slow, people who don't use their turn signals, people who make you stand in line at the checkout isle while they write a check for $3.15, people who feel a need to start a casual conversation with me in an elevator, people who say - 'I didn't pay any taxes this year, I got some back', and people who send  Cindy Sheehan fan mail. And people who drink Pepsi.

Ecstasy-related memory impairment can be permanent

Taking the drug Ecstasy can impair memory and learning, but giving up the drug can stop the slide in mental capacity, a new study shows. However, researchers also found evidence that in heavy Ecstasy users, the effects on memory may persist even after they quit.

The researchers looked at the same 15 people after another year had passed. Seven were still using the drug, while eight had become abstinent. The researchers evaluated their memory and learning using three tests, including the Rivermead Behavioral Memory Test, which is designed to evaluate everyday memory function.

In all of the former users who had been abstinent for at least 32 weeks, test scores improved compared with their scores one year previously. However, some individuals' scores stayed the same.

Some improved and some stayed the same?? In other words..."this test proves absolutely nothing.!!"  WHAP!!!!

So they claim that taking drugs can affect you negatively. DUH!!!!!  I hope this analysis into the flagrantly obvious wasn't paid for with taxpayer money.

Still, I wonder, did they take into consideration what their subjects memories were like before using ecstasy? Some people are just flat out stupid and are hard pressed to remember their own names.

Studies, polls.... can we stop the madness??? WHAP!!!!

Dekalb Alderman Harris charged with DUI
 

An allegedly intoxicated Alderman Karega Harris didn't want his vehicle blocking a driveway near his home, so instead he lightly rear-ended another car, fell asleep and was awoken shortly thereafter by police and charged with drunken driving.

This putz was passed out in his car, at  4 a.m. with an open beer between his legs, when the police arrived and woke him up.

Harris reportedly told police he parked that close to the Grand Am because he did not want to block the driveway and get towed. He was released on bond and given a court date and a ride home by police. He did not return messages left on his voice mail this morning.

Harris, who was elected to city council as 1st Ward alderman in April 2003, has had previous run-ins with police. In April 2004, Harris reportedly failed to slow down as he was approaching the intersection of Lincoln Highway and First Street and his vehicle struck an unmarked squad car. He was not hurt, but received a citation for driving without insurance.

In August 2003, Harris was riding his 2002 Yamaha motorcycle in the 800 block of Lucinda Avenue when a vehicle pulled out in front of him. Harris couldn't stop in time and his motorcycle skidded into the back of the vehicle. Harris was not cited, but his motorcycle was totaled.

A search of DeKalb County court records this morning shows he was cited for nine moving violations between May 2000 and April 2004, including three citations for driving with a suspended license and three for driving from 15 to 30 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

City Manager Mark Biernacki said this morning that under state law, if Harris is ultimately convicted on the DUI, he would not have to give up his council seat.

Of course he wouldn't have to give up his seat.... there is no such thing as ethics in government. Ted Kennedy drove drunk and killed a woman-- and look what it got him..... a permanent seat in the United States Senate!!

Sure, the 'representatives'  have committees and hold hearings about ethics, but in the end it ends up being nothing more than a "cover our own asses" campaign. No one, especially if it is a Democrat, is forced to take responsibility for their own actions.

By the way, this jackass just happens to be a Dem. Notice that the story didn't mention that at all. But, had he been a Republican, you can bet your shovel that it would have been mentioned several times. I bet the headline would have been 'Dekalb Alderman Harris, well known Republican sot, charged with DUI '
 

BIAS!!!! The media sucks!!! WHAP!!!!

Thursday, 23, 2006

Ottawan makes record stick

Pamela Anderson not involved.....

OTTAWA - After about 14 hours of mental and physical pain and exhaustion, 21-year-old Matt Robison of Ottawa broke the world record for the most body piercings in one sitting.

About 15 minutes before midnight Saturday, Robison's friend Ryan Cook pierced the last needle through the skin on Robison's arms, breaking the world record of 1,015 and claiming the Guinness World Record.

An apprentice at The Pit tattoo studio, Robison spent most of his day Saturday lying on his stomach as he attempted to break the record, set by someone from the United Kingdom only a couple weeks earlier.

He had planned to get 1,200 piercings, but after about 500, Robison said the pain was so severe he fixed his goal on just beating the world record.

Robison and Cook began the stunt at 10 a.m. Saturday, at a pace of just over 70 piercings per hour.

Monday afternoon, Robison is back to his original 26 piercings. He had planned on keeping the record-breaking piercing, but by the end, he said he didn't care. It was on his elbow anyway, Robison said.

Robison said Cook became physically ill down the stretch, and his fingers are still a little swollen, but not as bad as Robison's back.

If you are bored and have nothing to do... Pics here....

After the record was broken, Robison removed all the piercings, which he said was just as painful as putting them in. However, he said it was totally worth it. "I feel like I've done something memorable with my life," Robison said. "At our 10-year class reunion, we can say we've got a world record in our name." Robison graduated from Ottawa Township High School.

'Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the ....NOTHING!!!' Get a job and then see if you can save up enough money to buy a freaking life, you loser!! Man, talk about an exercise in futility! What is next on this modern-day Einstein's list? Set the world record for most time spent trying to get through a metal detector?  WHAP!!! WHAP!!! WHAP!!! WHAP!!!

At the 10 year reunion he will be saying, "Remember - two days later - when that guy did an 8-ball, drank a 5th of Jack and got 1,070 piercings and made my record irrelevant before Guinness even had the chance to recognize it?... and then that one time at band camp...."

Trust me, Shovelers! It will be done, and no one will remember this putz or the putz that breaks it a few day later and the putz that breaks it a few days after that. And on and on and on and htgbhbvtjbgvhjnhcgbv   ..... sorry, just passed out, forehead first on my keyboard from lack of interest.

But then there was this one time at band camp, when I took a shovel and................

Jail and deportation for expat for sexually assaulting cow
 

A Bangladeshi laborer allegedly turned into a wild beast after dashing into a cattle pen and sexually assaulting a cow. He was detained and referred to the court, which sentenced him to six months in jail to be followed by deportation.

What a WHACK JOB!! I guess he was trying to make a milkshake the old-fashioned way. Tom Arnold had no comment. WHAP!!!

Wednesday, 22, 2006

Man Accused Of Deodorant Heist

SHOVELLINE, BRIDGEPORT, Conn. -- A 28-year-old Bridgeport man is facing theft and weapons charges in a hygiene heist from a drug store on Friday, police said.

Emilio Dominguez is accused of stuffing about two-dozen containers of Secret deodorant in his pants and jacket, police said.

Police said he then claimed to have AIDS and threatened to stab a clerk with a needle.

Police said Dominguez hopped on a mountain bike for his getaway and was captured a short time and a short distance later.

Hold on a second, Shovelers.... who in their right mind jumps on a bike with 2 dozen deodorant canisters in their pants?? Sure, your pod might smell nice, but it would be smashed into one big wad of pain!

Lance Armstrong read this story and laughed, saying -"man, and I thought I was half-nuts!" 

He was charged with sixth-degree larceny, carrying a dangerous weapon and threatening. He was jailed on $20,000 bond.

Lets all hope that they chose the RIGHT GUARD to keep an eye on him.

The French read this story and then turned to each other and asked, 'what is this stuff they call deodorant??!!?"  Then they surrendered.

Pa. Pizzeria Goes for Record-Size Pizza

PITTSBURGH - A pizzeria is vying for a spot in Guinness World Records for the world's largest commercially available pizza. The $99, 150-slice pizza isn't a one-time deal. In fact, The Big One is already available, though Mama Lena's Pizza House has had few takers so far.

The would-be record setter measures about 3 feet by 4 1/2 feet and takes up nearly all the space in the shop's brick oven.

The current record holder is a 4-foot diameter pizza offered by Paul Revere's Pizza in Mount Pleasant, Iowa. Dubbed the Ultimate Party Pizza, it uses more than 10 pounds of dough, 48 ounces of sauce and about five pounds of cheese.

The Big One takes about 15 minutes to prepare and another 20 to 25 minutes to bake, said Rob Carrabbia, whose wife, Wendy, owns the pizzeria in the suburban Pittsburgh town of McKees Rocks.

My bet is that the person who ordered this pie also ordered a Diet Coke to wash it down with.

1,500 Venezuelans Pose Nude for Artist

Some freaks really need to at least try and get a life. If this isn't a freak show, then I don't know what is. 

Nude volunteers prepare to pose for a photograph by American artist Spencer Tunick, not seen, at sunrise on Ave. Bolivar in downtown Caracas, Venezuela, Sunday, March 19, 2006.

Richard Simmons attended this and claimed that it was the closest he'd been to heaven since he'd been to the last gala at Elton John's condo. He was heard wandering around singing,  "junk up in your trunk"
 

The Satirical Political Beliefs Assessment Test

Hey, guys! Check this out....Let me know how you score....

Tuesday, 21, 2006

Group: Geico Insurance Rates 'Very Unfair'

A leading U.S. consumer group Monday accused Geico Corp. (BRK) of using consumers' education backgrounds and occupations as criteria in setting auto insurance rates, resulting in discrimination against minorities and lower-income people.

Blah, blah, blah.... discrimination is a word that is about to become as irrelevant as the word racist. People will hear it and yawn!

Man goes fishing in flooded cellar

Belgrade - A man whose house was flooded after a storm has found the lighter side by catching trout in his cellar.

Mile Tutic, from Tutici in Montenegro, astounded neighbors by catching eight trout in his cellar when a nearby river burst its banks.

Tutic said: "It's great that I can go fishing whenever I want and I will be sad when the floods subside."

Wow! This guy should be given the "when life gives you lemons....." award!!!

'My cellar is ruined, but at least I can do me some fishin' down there. ..... Rolland Martin ain't got jack on this guy! What a freak!!

House Bill Seeks To Change Election Day Liquor Laws

SHOVELLINE -OKLAHOMA CITY -- Should liquor stores be allowed to sell alcohol on election days? It's a question Oklahomans could soon answer at the polls. The state House recently approved a bill that would put the issue on a statewide ballot. Current law bans liquor sales on all election days until the polls close at 7 p.m.

Oklahoma is one of only seven states with similar bans. Rep. Kevin Calvey, R-Del City, wrote the bill that would change the law. He said the current ban is a relic from the days of the Wild West, when candidates and their supporters would pack local saloons.

Known in the modern days as "the Kennedy campaign rallies." One burp one vote...

 

Monday, 20, 2006

Volkswagen Removes Billboards From 3 Cities After Complaints

Volkswagen said Friday it will remove billboards in New York, Los Angeles and Miami after receiving complaints that a word used in an advertisement was offensive to Hispanics.

The ad for the new GTI 2006 had a photo of the sports car accompanied by the words "Turbo-Cojones." Cojones, which means testicles in Spanish, has become a casually used term for boldness or guts in English but has never lost its more vulgar connotations in its native language.

A billboard in Little Havana caused several complaints, so Volkswagen decided to remove it.  No one complained about the billboards they had in New York and Los Angeles but they pulled them also. WIMPS!!! WHAP!!

Ana Roca, a professor of Spanish and linguistics at Florida International University, said the English usage of the word "doesn't have the same power it has in Spanish."

"People who are reading it in a Spanish neighborhood, it will have a different effect for them ... because they realize the real connotation," Roca said.

The billboards will be replaced with two ads, with one saying "Here today, gone tamale" and the other "Kick a little gracias."

Haahahaaaa Are they kidding? How is that any less offensive to the hypersensitive have-no-life obtuse louts that complain about these type of things? They should have used "huevos grandes" 

Do any of you guys eat at Chi-Chi's restaurant? It is Spanish slang for "boobies"! Laugh at that the next time you pull up to one. Yo realmente como mucho chi chi's!

Georgia rejects honor for Fonda

Anyway, I did a little more searching and found out that it was the phenomenally stupid and gutless, Steen Miles, from Decatur, Ga. who tried to sneak the resolution in. She didn't have the courage of her convictions though, and backed out when she saw the opposition coming. She didn't even vote in favor of her own resolution! WHAP!!! Only one jackass voted for this, a one Emanuel Jones. And yes, he is a Democrat. Not to mention a scum sucking looser!!

Man, will this bitch please just slide into oblivion!!?? Why would anyone give her airtime or buy her workout tapes or her books. What was her last one? 'My life as a howling, skank, traitor, whore bitch'  or was it 'My life being a treasonous skank, slut bag, harlot witch, tramp'? I forget which it was, but it was something like that - I think. If not, it should have been.

Kurt Cobain Action Figure

Many other musical icons have been brought to plastic and NECA is proud to be able to bring that same respect and admiration to Kurt Cobain's memory with our figure.

Based on his appearance in the video for "Smells Like Teen Spirit" this Kurt Cobain Action figure includes his guitar, rendered in painstaking detail, and part of the gymnasium floor as his base. Be on the lookout for Kurt to stand with his guitar again on store shelves late in June. Here is our first look at our "Smells Like Teen Spirit" Kurt Cobain.

Oh, joy of all joys! I can't wait to run out and get one. WHAP! I don't know about you guys, but my favorite Kurt Cobain release was the release of the safety on his shotgun! BANG!

Iran's cabinet nullifies decision on daylight saving time

Bainbridge man charged with bestiality

Friday, 17, 2006

Big rigs collide on I-35

SHOVELINE - AUSTIN, TX -Two tractor-trailers collided in the fog on Interstate 35 early Thursday morning. One of the trucks dumped boxes of frozen hamburger patties on the median between the highway and frontage road.

Michael Moore, pledging to help in any way that he could, showed up at the scene with a grill, a trunk full of buns and 10 gallons each of mustard, ketchup and mayonnaise.

The accident happened in the southbound lanes near Slaughter Lane.

Slaughter Lane. How ironic.

New law will allow public breast-feeding

Mothers may soon legally breast-feed their babies anywhere they want in Kentucky.

The House of Representatives approved a measure 98-1 yesterday that affirms a mother's right to breast-feed in public. The proposal has already won unanimous approval in the Senate and an aide to Gov. Ernie Fletcher said yesterday the governor will sign the bill.

The only no vote came from Rep. C.B. Embry Jr., R-Morgantown, who said he was concerned that the bill would allow teachers to breast-feed in front of their students. "I think that would be really disruptive," Embry said.

Leave it up to a Congressman to worry about something that is never going to happen!

MAN!! Like a teacher is going to walk up in front of her class and say, "Good morning, class. Today we are going to discuss gerunds and determiners, but first I would like to explain homonyms by sticking my child's lips on my teat."  

WHAP!!!

Man, if we were to try as hard as we could, is there any chance that we could elect a larger group of absolute morons???  WHAP!!!  What a complete jackass! I wonder how C.B. Embry kept his finger out of his nose long enough to cast that vote. Somebody really needs to introduce him to the business end of a shovel!  

Government wanting to tell you how and where you can feed your kids. This just reeks of Castro!! 

Clerk , passersby detain suspect after 7-Eleven robbery

The Idaho Statesman Boise Police say the quick actions of a store clerk with a Squeegee handle and two concerned passers-by thwarted an armed robbery at the 7-Eleven store at Ustick and Maple Grove roads Wednesday night.

Tyson B. Morgan, 18, is charged with robbery and was booked into the Ada County Jail on a $50,000 bond.

Boise Police say a 19-year-old clerk at the store apparently foiled the robbery attempt by first chasing the knife-wielding robber out of the store with a Squeegee handle. Then two neighborhood men passing by joined the clerk chasing after the man, tackled him, and took him back to the store, where Morgan was arrested.

The squeegee is mightier than the sword? The robber must have been French. 

Have a great weekend, guys. See you back here on Monday!!! Shovel on!! Timm

Thursday, 16, 2006

Denmark's Little Mermaid vandalized with dildo

What a headline, huh?

Denmark's national symbol, the Little Mermaid sculpture perched on a rock overlooking the Copenhagen port, was splattered with green paint by vandals and adorned with a dildo.

"We are taking this very seriously because one cannot accept vandalism, not on the Little Mermaid or any other public statue," deputy police commissioner Peter Steffensen told AFP.

Mermaid? Since when do mermaids have LEGS!!!

The attackers scrawled "8 marts" across the rock on which the Little Mermaid sits, marking the date in Danish of International Women's Day which was celebrated around the world on Wednesday.

Celebrated by who?? Women who need the object that was left at the statue.

A nanotechnologist has created the world's smallest and most plentiful Smiley, a tiny face measuring a few billionths of a meter across that is assembled from strands of DNA. 

I assume it resembles O.J.'s DNA after the verdict was delivered.

Fifty billion Smileys, each a thousand times smaller than the diameter of a human hair, can be made at a stroke under the technique pioneered by Paul Rothemund at the California Institute of Technology (Caltech).

DNA, the molecule that comprises living things, has long been known for its versatility as a microscopic building block.

The molecule can be "cut" using enzymes and reassembled using matching rungs in its double-helix structure. This theoretically opens the way to making DNA quantum computers and nano-level devices including injectable robots that can monitor the body's tissues for good health.

Interesting. But, couldn't that become quite tedious? Between that and the voices in my head, that would be just too much of my body talking to me.

"In this research, Paul has scored a few unusual 'firsts' for humanity," his colleague, Erik Winfree, said. "In a typical reaction, he can make about 50 billion Smiley faces. I think this is the most concentrated happiness ever created."

Most concentrated happiness ever??!!??? This nerd needs to try another one of life's experiments..... its called SEX! What a freak WHAP!!

Wednesday, 16, 2006

Women Tackle, Pin Carjacking Suspect

Two women in Orange County, Fla., fought off a suspected carjacker by tackling and then pinning the man to the ground on his stomach until deputies arrived.

Investigators said Shannon Corley drove her car into the River Oaks Bend apartments located at 2284 River Park Circle in Orlando Tuesday night and noticed a young man watching her in the parking lot.

As Corley exited her car, the man, who police identified in a report as Morgan Piggee, 21, allegedly ran at her and attempted to grab her car keys. Veneil Kleiber, who did not know Corley, heard her screams for help and rushed over to help.

Both women then attacked and knocked Piggee to the ground, police said. "They had one arm behind him and he was on his belly and they were on his back and he wasn't able to get away from them," Christopher said. "I think they were proud on one hand and they were nervous and the adrenaline was hitting them afterwards. Their biggest concern was getting hurt. They did a great job."

Piggee was transported to Orange County Jail where he faces carjacking, battery and criminal mischief charges.

This punk, if he had any, just lost all of his street cred.  Not to mention the fact that he will most likely be facing hour after hour of relentless ass-pounding!

Burned Man Says He Was Better Off Naked

Paul Kuschel would have been better off naked _ like many of the folks at Sunnier Palms Nudist Park. Instead, he was wearing a pair of nylon shorts Sunday when a generator he was working on backfired and sprayed him with starter fluid, setting him ablaze.

"I would have been better off wearing nothing on at all," Kuschel told Scripps Treasure Coast Newspapers. The fire seared his shorts to his backside.

"It's a good thing I wasn't wearing a shirt," he said.

Kuschel, 43, suffered second-degree and third-degree burns.

He was taken to a hospital with non life-threatening wounds and was treated and released.

Authorities said the fire erupted as Kuschel was trying to start the generator on a motor home in the park, which was also damaged in the blaze.

Kuschel reported to his carpentry job Monday morning, even though he can't even swing a hammer because of his injuries.

"I'm just a tough old mule," Kuschel said. "And I don't want to lose this job."

He said he and his wife, Carol, have lived in a tent since moving from Dayton, Ohio, in February and had planned to move into the motor home, which he just bought Saturday.

"Guess we'll be back in the tent until I can get the motor home fixed," he said.

Generator? I'm calling bulls**t on that. This has exploding meth lab written all over it. "....better off wearing nothing on at all." Ummm... NO!

Darwin just missed on this one.

Movie theaters may ask to jam cell phones

Movie theater owners faced with falling attendance are considering asking federal authorities for permission to jam cell phone reception in an attempt to stop annoying conversations during films, the head of the industry's trade group said on Tuesday.

I, being the supreme swinger, officially announce that they have permission to jam these obnoxiously uncouth swine's phones - and I will draw a diagram showing them exactly where they need to be jammed. Proctologists businesses should pick up, and become much more interesting.

Theaters are trying a number of ways to silence cell phones, from sweeps by ushers to funny fake movie trailers urging viewers to shut off phones.

That is too complicated. Just supply each moviegoer with a shovel and a license to swing freely. WHAP!!

Tuesday, 15, 2006

Study challenges image of depressed widows

The sad image of a grieving widow may not be entirely accurate, according to a study published on Tuesday showing that six months after the death of their partner, nearly half of older people had few symptoms of grief. And 10 p