Friday, 29, 2004
Teresa Kerry on the campaign trail.
This woman doesn't
have what it takes to be called a lady. Much less the first lady. I wonder
if those beers are for her or if Ted Kennedy was at this rally and needed a
little something to get the taste of scotch out of his mouth. Man, this
chick is a beast! I can't wait until she disappears from the public light.
Hungary Bans Sale of Paprika
Hungary banned the sale of its signature spice, paprika, on Wednesday and
told people not to use whatever supplies they had at home after more than a
pinch of moldy toxin was found in products sold by three companies.
The ban on the spice began on Thursday and will last until they can
determine how much paprika was affected by aflatoxin, which is produced by
mold. The aflatoxin was found in products distributed by three of the
country's largest paprika companies. Aflatoxin....hmmm.. sounds like
something J Lo might have caught from Ben.
Just reading that, it sounds like they should shut down the companies if they found that
stuff in the spices, doesn't it? Well, if you read a little father into the
story you see that this is nothing more than an example of a government
being a government and sticking their noses where they shouldn't be. Monica
Lewinsky had that same problem.
Is the presence of aflatoxin in paprika dangerous to people? Yes, if they
went Michael Moore on the paprika and consumed more than 1 pound
of the stuff in a week. Actually, I don't even think that his fatness could
gobble down that much in a week. They say that the average Hungarian doesn't consume that much
in a year. Still they shut the plants down. Stupid! That is so typical of
governments. Ours sent the nation into a tizzy when they told us that lab
rats died after being injected with fluoride. That was true, but what they
neglected to tell us was that we would have to snort 20 tubes of Colgate a
day to ingest the amount of fluoride that they pumped into those rats. WHAP!
Hungary exports about 5,500 tons of paprika a year.
I have it on good word that half of that goes to Emeril Lagasse's house. 
Caregiver Stores Dead Woman in Freezer
This is just bizarre. A 59-year-old man went to the
Spokane police and told them that he had stuffed the dead body of a 57-year-old woman inside
of her chest-style freezer. He also admitted that they had been having a
'relationship'.
Police did not identify the man but said he was the woman's caregiver. He
told them he arrived at the woman's apartment about a week ago and found her
dead, then put her in the freezer.
"His underlying motivation, at least what he told us, was he wanted to
preserve her dignity," Roberts told The Spokesman-Review. "It's unique and
unusual, but at this point there is nothing criminal."
Unfortunately, we still haven't managed to pass a
law making idiocy a crime.
Detectives couldn't remove the woman, so they "took the whole freezer,"
Roberts said. There were no obvious signs of foul play but an autopsy was
planned once the body thawed.
7-Eleven Employee Gets Bonus After
Having 7-Pound, 11-Ounce Baby
SHOVELLINE ESSEXVILLE,
MICH. This story bothers me.
A 7-Eleven employee, Erin Kappen, got a bonus of $711 for having a baby boy that weighed 7
pounds, 11 ounces.
I know, you are thinking - well, isn't that really neat and nice of
company. Sure it is, but the downside to it is that it is, in an offhand
way, encouraging these people to breed! "Lets try it one more time, honey.
If we hit it this time we can buy a bed for the three other little ones and
they won't have to sleep in that shopping cart that you stole from Kmart
anymore." 
These people have trouble giving me correct change, so why in the world
would we want to entrust them with the rearing of child? Well, now that I
think about it, I guess we do need big Slurpie makers to make little Slurpie
makers or we won't have anyone to make our Slurpies.
Have a Happy Halloween, guys. If you don't have a costume just grab a shovel
and run around swinging it like a mad man. That will surely scare the spider
snot out of any liberals around you!
Keep your eye on 60 Minutes, there is
no telling what those 'unbiased truth seekers' might pull out on Sunday.
Thursday, 28, 2004
86 years
later....
Vandals Steal 4-Foot Tooth
A surveillance camera recorded a couple of
miscreants attempting to steal a 4-foot tall statue of a tooth from in front of
a dentist's office. After realizing how heavy the statue was they pulled a
France and gave up after moving it just a few feet.
It happened in
Cathedral City, Calif. A $2,500 reward is being offered by the dental office
for information leading to the vandals' arrest.
Apparently the dentist
wants the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth. I plan to take
my shovel and start my search for the criminals in Alabama. I have it on
good word that many people in that state would do anything to have a tooth.
Danvers officials accuse cops of
'silent strike' in ticket writing
Patrolmen have cost the town $173,000
by refusing to write traffic tickets in a ploy to influence contract
negotiations, top police brass and town management officials allege in a
complaint filed with the state last week.
Buford T. Justice would be shovel swinging mad at this news, but I think
it is great. The union cops are handing out warnings instead of tickets in
an attempt to try and get the upper hand in a contract dispute they are
having with the town. They
are demanding a 3 percent raise, but the town is saying that they can't
afford it due to huge cuts in state aid. The cops say, no raise, no tickets.
No tickets, no revenue.
During the first nine months of 2003, Danvers police issued 2,069 traffic
citations with fines. During the first nine months of 2004, only 254 traffic
fines have been issued, according to the complaint. At the same time, the
number of warnings issued has soared.
Upon hearing that the cops were only issuing warnings, Rodney King
notified friends and family of his immediate plans to move to Danvers.
Dead Man Cited for Traffic
Violations
Ok. We go from a story
about cops who refuse to write tickets to a tale of two officers who are so
jacked up that they issue citations to a dead man. WHAP!
The Blount County District
Attorney General's Office has asked the TBI
<Tennessee Bureau of Investigation>
to investigate two troopers
who allegedly wrote tickets to a dead man.
This story is as queer as a
New Jersey governor. Two troopers, Rick Harmon and
Stephen Parsley, are on paid administrative leave after writing tickets to
Antonio Flores who was killed in
a crash on September 17th.
The
Harmon guy actually wrote him a couple of tickets in
connection with the crash that killed him. What in God's name was he
thinking? But, even more bizarre, Parsley
wrote citations against Flores in connection with an incident on
October 27th. That is ten days after he died! These two must have really had
it in for this guy. If they are Democrats, the next thing they will be
doing is casting votes for the guy.
Popular Alligator
Found Swimming With Knife Stuck In Head
Florida Fish and Wildlife officers in Sarasota, Fla., are investigating
the discovery of a popular alligator swimming with a large knife stuck in
its head.
This alligator lives in a pond in Florida and apparently doesn't pose a
threat to any of the locals. As a matter of fact, they like him so much that they nicknamed him,
Elvis. And, like the man who he is nicknamed after, he is loved by all. The
King was spotted by a few residents
swimming around with the knife sticking out of his head.
Wildlife officials are trying to
determine if the alligator can be saved. If the attacker is caught, the person
faces fines and prison time, according to the report.
Paul Hogan could not be reached for questioning and Steve Irwin said,
"Don't look at me! I hunt crocs!"
Wednesday, 27, 2004
380 tons of weapons are missing. The New York Times
offered the story up like it had just happened and CBS was going to run with
it this Sunday. They were going to present it in a way that would make
President Bush look inept because it happened under his watch.
Bottom line -- This story was from April of last year and the
weapons were gone before our troops even got there. NBC pointed this out,
noting that they had an embedded reporter there before Baghdad fell. The
charges that the weapons disappearing had something to do with President
Bush's war plans are just complete B.S.
The weapons disappeared under the watch of John
Kerry's much coveted U.N. inspectors. They let 380 tons of weapons just
disappear and, still, that horse face wants to put everything that is going on over there
into their hands. INSANE! 
380 tons. That amount of weapons does not disappear by some towel head
cramming his camel bags full and riding off in the middle of the night. It
takes 18 wheeled trucks. Did
the U.N. just let them take the things or are they actually so stupid that
someone was able to take the weapons right from under their noses?
All of this should make you guys think, though. If
they can move 380 tons of weapons, how easy would it be for them to move and hide
hundreds of
liters of things like anthrax? If they can run around with tractor trailers
full of weapons, how easy would it be for them, in essence, to tuck a 2 liter coke bottle full of
deadly nerve agents under their arms and move it around, and hide it, at
will?
The left are claiming on one hand that we were lied
to about the weapons ever being there - and on the other hand they are
now screaming about weapons being stolen. Which is it with these guys? I am
one step away from setting my shovel on search and destroy.
The weapons were there, I just hope that we find
them before they end up here.
Anyway, expect more of this sort of stuff from the "unbiased"
media. These freaks will stop at nothing to unseat President Bush.
I don't think it will work though. President Bush
by 53% of the vote.
Man Shoots, Kills Intruder In Powdersville
Shovelline, Powdersville, S.C. -- Sheriff's deputies are
continuing to investigate a fatal shooting in Powdersville on Tuesday
morning.
I love stories that end like this. It was 8:30 when
47 year old David Devita, who was at home with his 7 year old daughter, got
a knock at his door. When he answered it he was sprayed with pepper spray
and attacked. He wrestled with the intruder, who continued to spray him, all
through the house. David managed to lead the guy to where he kept his
pistol.
He then returned the pepper favor by spraying the
guy with lead! The perpetrator, who I am assuming was a card carrying
Democrat and John Kerry supporter, died at the scene. I love it! Personally,
I never answer my door without a shovel in hand. <and a 9 on the hip> But
that is just me. Anyway, hats off to this guy. We all owe him a debt of
gratitude for removing this worthless carbon based life form from society.
Online extortion was a new, million
dollar fad, but it is now being shut down. It is a shame that we have yet to
develop the technology to shut down the biggest extortionist machine in this
country, Jessi Jackson. WHAP!! Whap! Whap! I guess technology just cannot
match up to political
correctness!
Anywho, this story is too long for me to pick apart here,
but it is a very interesting read. I recommend it.
Breast-feeding mix-up at hospital
Want to talk about hypersensitive overreaction!
This is just silly.
A newborn was given to the wrong mother for
breast-feeding Saturday at Winchester Hospital, a mistake that hospital
administrators said yesterday was ''terrible" and ''unacceptable" and
resulted in the firing of the employee responsible for the mix-up.
''It's a terrible thing for both of the families
involved," Whitney said. ''I don't think we can apologize enough to the
families involved. What we can do is rededicate ourselves to making sure
this kind of thing can't and doesn't happen again."
Rededicate? What a phony, meaningless, feel good word
that is. Please just shut up! I will guarantee you one thing, if a trial
lawyer <such as John, I swear I'm not gay, Edwards> gets a hold of this, the
only way you will be able to "apologize enough" will be by festooning the
families and lawyers with millions of greenbacks.
Both families have been offered counseling, Whitney
said, and the hospital expects both mothers and their newborns to be
discharged routinely.
Counseling? Over this? Are you kidding me??? What
is happening to us? Counseling? Give me a break!
I say, pat the kid on the head and congratulate him
for copping his first feel so soon after entering this world. I wonder if
this is how Bill Clinton got his start?
When asked how he
would handle the situation, John Kerry said that the problem could best be
handled by reminding everyone that Dick Cheney's daughter is a big ol' lesbo.
Californian motorists 'drunk' on herbal tea
After their first
successful conviction in San Mateo County, prosecutors are now filing DUI
charges on tea drinkers.
Kava, while not
considered as a drug by federal health officials, is classified by the US
Food and Drug Administration as a nutritional supplement that can be used to
relieve anxiety
Motorists under the
influence of Kava had a "thousand-yard stare", Feasel said. "They're
drooling on themselves sometimes, their motor function is so bad," he added.
He said that police
had pulled over kava-addled motorists who were swerving, veering into other
lanes and drifting onto the road's shoulder.
"Kava basically has
the opposite effect of alcohol," Feasel said. "Kava affects your motor
skills before it affects your mental abilities."
Cracking down on tea drinkers. Out of all the problems facing California,
this is the one thing that they choose to crack down on. Whap! Ted Kennedy was
heard mumbling, "....mmmm...Kava and scotch...."
Tuesday, 26, 2004
Eclipse to overshadow World Series
This World Series
battle will add another "first time in history" element to its record
Wednesday night. 
For the first time in
World Series history, there will be a total lunar eclipse during the game.
The moon's disk
will be completely blotted out by the Earth's shadow between 8:23 and 9:45,
according to Sky & Telescope magazine.
Talk about curses,
superstitions, karma and any other voodoo type references that you would
like to toss in. This series has them all.
The Shadow knows!
Transit system that transformed New
York City turns 100
Tomorrow the New
York subway will turn 100 years old. Graffiti artist, bums, and coked up
stockbrokers are expected to celebrate the event. The stockbrokers say they
are going to commemorate the event by laying out some really long "rails"!
The artist and bums say that they will honor the event by simply doing what
they normally do -- walk around aimlessly and smell really bad.
When the subway
first started the fare was only a nickel. They introduced tokens in 1953
when the fare went up to 15 cents. Why the tokens? Because the
turnstiles couldn't accept both dimes and nickels. Imagine that! Your inept
government at work! I wonder who they considered to be disenfranchised on
this issue? The nickel or the dime holder? WHAP!!!!
The inaugural
subway trip carried mayor George B. McClellan Jr. from City Hall to 145th
Street.
"City Hall to
Harlem in 15 minutes!" was the exclamation from the minions.
"For New Yorkers,"
said Jonathan Marfey, 39, exiting an F train at Roosevelt Island, "it's part
of life."
Dozens of exhibits,
events and testimonials celebrate the subway centennial. An exhibit at the
Museum of the City of New York shows off subway photography. Other planned
events include the crowning of Ms. Subways on Oct. 25 and a Grand Finale Jam
concert at Grand Central Terminal on Oct. 27.
The subway carries
about 4.5 million riders a day <1.4 billion in a year.> I think that adds up
to the exchange of 10 zillion F**K you's an hour. I'm not exactly sure
on that last number because I have no scientific data to support my
assumption. On top of that, I did the math in my head. Still, I would bet
that I am dead on - give or take an F you or two.
Managing and paying
for the trains costs almost $5 billion a year. That is just outrageous! The
people running that thing need to contact Amber Lynn's agent! She will pull
trains all day long for just a couple of grand and two nostrils full of
blow.
Monday, 25, 2004
Drunken bees will help treat
alcoholism
It seems that a
scientist thinks that she can understand the effects of alcohol on the
human brain by giving bees a few too many drinks.
"On the molecular
level, the brains of honey bees and humans work the same,” said Dr Julie
Mustard, the study’s co-author and a postdoctoral researcher in
entomology. <for those of you logging on through AOL, entomology is the
study of bugs> Mustard is one of a group of American scientists from
Ohio State University who
fed a sugar solution laced with alcohol to a group of bees in order to see
how closely their actions resembled those of drunken humans.
The behavior of
the drunken bees was familiar to anyone who has ever experienced that one
drink too many. The larger the dose of ethanol – the intoxicating agent in
alcoholic drinks – the less time the bees spent walking, flying or
grooming themselves. Instead, they fell over and lay motionless on their
backs until they sobered up.
It sounds to me
like the bees were just your average Democrat, or Kennedy!
The bees also
claimed that they weren't drunk - just buzzed. ugg! ok shovel me for
that one!
I don't have a
headline for this story. This is part of a Rolling Stone interview with
that tower of intellect, Eminem. My headline would be, "Why don't you just
shut the f**k up!!??!!"
Anyway, why
hasn't someone taken a shovel to this guys dome?
RS: You get deep into your feelings about
President Bush and Iraq on “Mosh.” Do you think the Iraq War was a
mistake?
E: He’s been painted to be this hero and he’s got our troops over there
dying for no reason. I haven’t heard an explanation yet that I can
understand. Explain to us why we have troops over there dying.
umm....E... or M, if I may call you M. Or is it EM?
I don't know... how about I just call you dumb ass.
Stick to what you know -- Stealing other peoples rhythms and using them to
produce obnoxious soundtracks for you to spew your annoying, mindless, angry
rhymes over. WHAP! You don't have s**t on Dr. Seuss! You, rap boy, have all the talent
of a box of instant oatmeal! Sorry, lost it for a second.
He hasn't heard an explanation that he can
understand. I can completely understand that. "Understand" being the key
word for him there! After all, someone who has a problem understanding 2 plus 2,will
obviously
have problems understanding remainders and denominators. This clown is a
million dollar idiot!
Understand this,
you wanna be. 90% of your albums are bought with allowance money!
People who actually earn a living tend to blow their spending money on more
important things. Like stocks and bonds, and even those amusing little
rectangular shaped things that are full of words -- otherwise known as
books. Your fans invest their money in overpriced bass speakers, shiny
hubcaps and that strong mixture of barely and hops -- otherwise known as
malt liquor.
But it goes on. The Rolling Stone interviewer feeds
him this question. Whap!
RS: There is no good answer.
E: I think he started a mess. America is the best country there is,
the best country to live in. But he’s f**kin’ that up and could run
our country into the ground. He jumped the gun, and he f**ked up so
bad he doesn’t know what to do right now. He’s in a tailspin, running around
like a dog chasing its tail. And we got young people over there dyin’, kids
in their teens, early twenties that should have futures ahead of them. And
for what?"
For what? WHAP! How
about so that other teens
will be able to have the future that you just spoke of, you freaking moron. You don't
understand this, so please just shut your rap hole!
"It
seems like a Vietnam 2. Bin Laden attacked us and we attacked Saddam. We
ain’t heard from Saddam for ten years, but we go attack Saddam. Explain why
that is. Give us some answers."
Ain't? I love it
when these erudite entertainers get pedantic and drop an 'ain't' into their
argument. It always makes me drop my shovel in intellectual surrender.
Right. PLEASE! Ain't!!??!
I would go off
here, but if he ain't understood it yet, he ain't going to, so I ain't going
to waste my time explaining something that he ain't going to understand.
Frankly, I ain't got time to try and explain the obvious to someone who
ain't going to understand it. So, I ain't going to. I ain't, I tell ya.
Another quote from a moron crooner, Cher. This ladies head
belongs at the top of a totem pole.
"All the gay guys, all my friends, all my gay
friends, you guys you have got to vote, alright? Because it would only be a
matter of time before you guys would be so screwed, I cannot tell
you.  Because, you know, the people, like, in the very right wing of this
party, of these Republicans, the very very right wing, the Jerry Falwell
element, if they get any more power, you guys are going to be living in some
state by yourselves. So, I hate scare tactics, but I really believe that
that's true."
"I think that as Bush will, if Bush gets elected, he will put in
new Superior Court judges, and these guys are not going to want to see gay
pride week."
WHAP!!!!!!! There is a rant to tear her apart here. But I won't. Before the election, she is going to open her screeching hole again and
provide me with a much better opportunity to take the shovel to her! heehee
Bill Maher is a jackass and needs to be beat to death with a shovel!! I mean
he really, really, really needs to have a spade slammed into his dome.
This particular page won't let me copy the story onto my page. Imagine that?!?
Damn liberals! It is an interview he gave in Canada. Limp wristed, wimp
bastard!
Just read the first two paragraphs of the interview. You will be grabbing
the rosin bag and rubbing your shovel down to insure that you have a good,
solid grip.
Just damn! Check it out. I think I have a rant due on
this guy. Or maybe just a beating! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!!
Friday, 22, 2004
Love-making British couple sparks
emergency
Sorry to put the
image of a dentally challenged couple bumping uglies in your heads, but it
is the story.
It seems that this
man and woman were going at it so hot and heavy that she didn't notice her
foot hitting the phone. She unknowingly dialed 999, the British equivalent
of our 911. <it sounded like Bill O'Reilly had gotten loose on the phone
again.> All the operator heard when she took the call was what sounded like
a woman crying in distress and the voice of a man in the back ground. It was
the middle of the night, so she alerted the police who traced the number and
went over to the house.
They found the
couple to be right in the middle of a discussion on the Big Bang Theory.
Police traced
the number and rushed to the scene, where they found the embarrassed and
disheveled couple who explained they were “messing around.”
“It certainly
put a smile on the faces on the police side," the spokesman said. "We were
just very relieved it wasn’t a violent situation and that the couple was
clearly getting on very well together.”
Getting on very well
together? Those Brits sure do have some proper slang. You just have to love
it. WHAP!
Rabbits take over man's home
Pick your shovel up if you want, but this story is
only worth a few practice swings.
There was a very
lonely man in New Orleans who bought a
pair of bunnies because he wanted a little company. Rabbits for company?
Please! Maybe for stew or kabobs, but company? All the things do is eat, poo
and sit there with their noses twitching like Michael J. Fox after
forgetting to take his medicine.
Anyway, I guess
no one told this guy that these little fur balls reproduce more than NBA All
Stars jacked up on Viagra.
In less than a year, he had 73 rabbits. The man's name was withheld by the
Louisiana Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals on grounds that
he was embarrassed enough already.
They chewed the furniture. They
burrowed into chairs, couches and mattresses. They processed food faster
than their owner could clean up after them.
Hugh Hefner, from
his housecoat, said that he would be willing to offer counsel to the guy.
Pointing out that he had, on more than one occasion, adroitly handled over
100 bunnies in his house at the same time.
This guy waited a
year before doing anything. Can you believe that? That is one hare raising
story! Ok.. Sorry... feel free to turn your shovel on me for that one.
Divorce
and drive - bloody idiot
A report
shows that being newly divorced or
separated boosts the risk of you having a road accident by over 400%. It is
a
French study, so I don't know what sort of clout I would put into it.
Three per cent of all road accidents in France occur among people who have
just broken up with their partners, amounting to an annual tally of 170 dead
and 3000 injured, the study in the journal Epidemiology said.
They attributed the heightened risk
to emotional stress and the use of antidepressants.
A Frenchman on
antidepressants? No, it can't be! Actually, how can you be a Frenchman and
not be on antidepressants? I mean if for nothing else other than
having to live with the way you smell?
Keychain Remote Control Turns Off
Most TVs
A lot of people love television but apparently some people have had enough
of it, too. A new keychain gadget that lets people turn off most TVs —
anywhere from airports to restaurants — is selling at a faster clip than it
would take most people to surf the channels on their boob tubes. "I thought
there would just be a trickle, but we are swamped," the inventor, Mitch
Altman of San Francisco, said Monday in an interview. "I didn't know there
were so many people who were into turning TV off."
Since it debuted in Wired magazine, this guys little gadget, the TV-B-Gone,
has been selling faster than three-for-one packets of cigarettes in a
trailer park. The unexpected surge actually shut down the Web site of his company, Cornfield Electronics.
All you have to do
with this keychain is click one button and it runs through almost 200 infrared codes
which control over 1,000 different television models.
Altman, 47, first got the idea for TV-B-Gone a decade ago when he was out
with friends at a restaurant and they found themselves all glued to the
perched TV instead of talking to each other. No one was around to turn the
TV off.
So this geek, who has a masters in electrical
engineering, decided that he needed to do something about TV's. He professes
that he hasn't owned a TV since 1980 and apparently he thinks that all TV's
should be subject to the whims of anyone who might be around. He thinks
anyone should be able to turn them off anywhere at anytime.
WHAP! This is just insane.
God help them if one of these retards wanders into
a sports bar with one of these things. The ass whipping they will receive
will make the Reginald Denny beating look like a welcome home party!
Have a great weekend, guys. See you Monday. Next week is going to be
interesting!
Thursday, 21,
2004
My deepest
apologies to you guys. I spent the evening watching the NY and Boston game
--- I know my review and comments on the news reflects that. Sorry.
HISTORY MADE!
Man burns his car to spite
parking attendant
This insane Iranian
doused his car with gas and set it on fire after getting a parking ticket.
He begged and pleaded with the attendant to not give him a ticket, but the
guy did it anyway.
Apparently,
fines have increased heavily since March as they are trying to get Iran's
reckless drivers to straighten up. Billy Joel's license has been suspended
and Ted Kennedy's has been revoked by the Iranian government.
I say don't worry about it - American bombers will be sending those guys to
the curb before you know it.
Expos'
last hotdog fetches $2,605
I know, upon
reading that headline, you guys were thinking what I was thinking -- Michael
Moore had a craving and was willing to pay whatever it took to fill his
obnoxiously fat belly. Not so. This was part of a radio stations charity
promotion. They put the hotdog on EBay and donated all the money to a
charity that buys gifts for poor children.
For his high bid,
Laliberte will receive a plaster replica of the wiener along with the
original which is hermetically sealed in a stew of preservatives to ensure
it survives forever. The bun has been dried and varnished and placed with
the replica wiener in the original Styrofoam container atop a trophy.
The guy who bought
the hotdog for the auction went back to the hotdog stand every inning
because he was afraid they would run out. He grabbed the last dog during the
eighth inning just as the concession stands shut down.
Wednesday, 20,
2004
School security guard was 5-time
killer
A former mafia hit
man, on the run from authorities since 1999, has been found working as a
security guard at one of Montreal's most reputable schools.
For nine months,
Réal Simard was employed under a false name at Collège Jean de Brébeuf, a
private high school in downtown Montreal that included former prime minister
Pierre Trudeau and his sons as alumni.
This guy went to a
cemetery and picked out a name of some guy that was about the same age as
him. This allowed him to get a passport, driver's license and all the other
papers he would need.
Police say Simard
held several jobs under other assumed names, including a stint as chauffeur
for Richard Holden, former member of the provincial legislature for
Westmount .
He had admitted to
murdering five people in Montreal and Toronto at the request of a well known
organized crime family.
A mafia in Canada?
What business are they "protecting"? White flag makers? We know it was not
deodorant manufactures. Anyway, the cops were able to run this guy down
after he gave a television interview. Duh! Whap! John Walsh laughed.
Bambino curse hits Wall Street
Standing around all
day screaming, trading, gesticulating and tossing ten tons of paper on the
floor doesn't bother your average trader on the floor of Wall Street. They
will finish out the day, go home and drink until their livers take out a
restraining order on them and then be back the next day, bright eyed and
ready to do it again. 
But, if you mix in
a playoff game they just can't cope. Maybe it is just bad blow management. I
don't know. Granted these games between the Yanks and the Sox have been
unbelievably long. Monday nights game was the longest in League Championship
Series history, taking 5 hours and 49 minutes. Sunday night's game went more
than five hours, ending at 1:22 a.m. and Saturdays game lasted more than
four hours. But, still, stop your whining!
"Everybody is
exhausted. People are walking around like they're zombies. I don't know if
we can take much more this," said a Boston trader, who did not want to be
identified. "And it's not just traders. Analysts, fund managers, it runs the
gamut. We're all tired."
Babe Ruth rolled
over in his casket, grabbed a six pack and a hotdog and exclaimed, "Suck it
up you bunch of lily livered, skirt wearing, poodle walking pansies!"
Estonian Offers to Strip to
Avoid Ticket
TALLINN, Estonia -
A woman pulled over by police on suspicion of driving while drunk tried to
get out of the ticket by performing an impromptu striptease that was
captured on police video.
Tallinn police spokeswoman Jana Zdanovits told the
AP on Tuesday that the woman, who was not identified, was pulled over Monday
night in the capital's Mustamae area. Zdanovits said that after the woman
took, and failed, a breathalyzer test, she suddenly bared her breasts to the
two officers. The police spokeswoman confirmed a tabloid report that the
woman then offered the pair of officers a private performance.
The chick faces charges of drunk driving and if she
is found guilty, she could be fined $478 and lose her license.
Ted Kennedy declared that $478 was a ridiculously
low fine, but then began arranging plans to move to Estonia, claiming that
it would save him hundreds of thousands in cab rides.
South Wire: South Carolina
readies for big battle over tiny bottles
South
Carolina voters will decide Nov. 2 whether to maintain another of the
state's modern peculiarities: the tiny bottles of liquor used in restaurants
and bars.
South
Carolina is the only state in the country that doesn't allow bartenders to
pour drinks from regular-sized bottles of liquor. Instead, for every drink,
they have to open 1.7-ounce bottles of booze like the ones served on
airplanes.
How insane!??! The
tiny plastic bottle business must be lobbing hard in that state. There
is another Ted Kennedy joke here, but never mind. I wonder if this crucial
issue will bring out voters more than that other little thing that is being
voted on?
Tuesday, 19, 2004
Irate wife gives unfaithful
husband the chop
Maybe this is just
me, but if my wife cut of my Clinton I think I would remember to take
it to the hospital with me.
Sornlam
Yotbanya, 24, had a heated argument with his wife Rungnapha Pongalee, 32, on
Sunday night about his mistress, then went to bed and was rudely awoken
hours later when his wife sliced off his member.
In Sornlam's haste to get to Bangramrung Hospital in Chonburi, 60km
south-east of Bangkok, he left his penis behind in his bedroom.
The hospital sent a nurse back to the couples place to
retrieve the severed winky, but it was too late because too many of the
cells had died by the time she got the little guy back to the hospital.
The final
paragraph of this story struck me as odd.
Thai hospitals, especially Bangkok's Police Hospital,
have achieved some fame for their high success rate with penis reattachment
operations, providing they are carried out swiftly with all the parts in
place.
High success with
penis reattachment? How is that? Is the country overrun with Bobbits?
Desperate women use pumpkins to
aid childbirth
Pumpkins in
cute little hats are making a fortune for a woman from rustic Kagoshima who
sells them online to a growing number of people looking for a bit of better
fortune of their own, according to
Flash.
"My mom sent
me one of these pumpkins about three years ago, telling me it might bring me
a bit of good luck. I gave it to my friend and she was suddenly blessed,
first by getting somebody to arrange a marriage for her and then with a
kid," Asako Kawahara, the 46-year-old housewife with the magical pumpkin
touch, tells
Flash.
Charlie Brown threw
this story at Lucy and said, "In your face! Long live the great pumpkin!"
Scholars Grapple With Godzilla
Legacy
He's attacked other
monsters and terrorized Japan for decades. Now Godzilla is confronting
academics who want to wrestle with his legacy. The University of Kansas
plans to pay homage to the giant lizard later this month, organizing a
three-day scholarly conference for the 50th anniversary of his first film
It's not just about celebrating campy creature features. Planners want to
provoke discussion of globalization, Japanese pop culture and
Japanese-American relations after World War II.
WHAP! Can you believe this?
"I would like people to take Godzilla more
seriously," said Bill Tsutsui, a history professor at the University of
Kansas and author of the book "Godzilla on My Mind," which discusses the
history of the monster's movies.
Take Godzilla more seriously? And this guy is a
history professor!??
"Hello class. We are going to discuss the
Revolutionary War and the impact it had on history, but first I'd like to
start by talking about this huge, green, radioactive fire breathing,
fictional lizard.
Man! My shovel is swinging itself!
They even go so far as to try and tie Godzilla to
actual history by noting that the first Godzilla film was released only
eight months after the United States tested a hydrogen bomb in the South
Pacific. For those of you who don't know, it was an H-bomb testing that
brought the big green lizard out from his undersea habitat.
What is next? A study about General Electric and
Mothera?
Monday, 18, 2004
Men more willing to sleep with
their boss
More men are willing to have sex
with their bosses to get a promotion or a salary increase than women,
according to a Belgian human resources weekly.
According to the Vacature poll -- based on 12,078 Belgians interviewed --
12 percent of all men would be willing to sleep with their boss to try to
advance their career, compared to only 1 percent of women.
This survey is beyond pointless! Duh! Who didn't
know that most guys would sleep with their boss? Even if it meant a
demotion! I am assuming that they meant female bosses. The story didn't say.
Woman With Smelly Litter Box Sets Fire
Today's crazy lady
with cats story brought to us from Port Angeles, Washington.
Court documents filed in Clallam County Superior Court
tie an alleged arson in an apartment complex to a smelly cat litter
box. Prosecutors on Wednesday charged Marie Adeline Calkins, 63, with
first-degree arson, accusing her of setting a fire Tuesday in her apartment
on South C Street. 
Why, pray tell, did she go Lisa 'left eye' Lopez on
her apartment? Well, she said it was because she was depressed and upset
because her kitty litter box was full and
smelled bad.
Hey, who among us, huh? We've all been there,
haven't we? Empty the litter box - torch the pad? Empty the litter box -
torch the pad? Empty the litter box - torch the pad? Empty the litter box - PLEASE, GOD IN HEAVEN WHERE ARE THE
MATCHES!!??
What a nut job! I think we should conduct a study,
because I think that cats cause insanity. Seriously! Have you ever known a
cat owner who didn't seem like they were just one gin-and-tonic away from a
rubber room and a Rorschach test?
I used to have a cat. His name was, Dropkick. He
ran away. I don't know why.
Judge George L. Wood set bail at $50,000 and ordered a mental health
assessment.
Wilson captures title of Miss Licking County
Kasey Wilson, 18, of Granville, won the title of
Miss Licking County during the pageant Saturday night at Heath High School.
The Miss Licking County Pageant is a preliminary to
the Miss Ohio and Miss America Scholarship Program titles. There is more
than $4,000 in scholarship money available.
No real story here, guys. It is just that this is
the first time I have ever heard of Licking County. What an odd name for a
county. I'm sure, much like a girl named Debbie living in Dallas, they have
heard all the jokes. So I will leave this one alone. She does seem worthy of licking.....
eerrrrr.... I mean, Licking.
Youth Center visit lands mom in jail
This Omaha woman ended up in
jail after visiting her 17 year-old son at
the Douglas County Youth Center. Why was he in? Weapons charges. Why was she
tossed in jail? .....
When the woman was asked to empty her pockets before
going in, she pulled out a baggie of cocaine and a baggie of
methamphetamine, said Officer Chris LeGrow, a spokesman for the Omaha Police
Department.
Isn't there a commercial in there
somewhere? "Honey, don't forget your Campbell's Chunky Crank!"
With a mom
like that I can't believe that this kid ended up in Juvenile. Not. What do you
think the over/under is on this kid ending up in the NBA?
Ga. Man Watches Disaster Movie, Burns Home
There was no "Day After Tomorrow" for Charles Alton
Adams' mobile home, which the south Georgia man told police he set on fire
after watching the disaster movie and drinking beer.
"set fire on" ?? Sorry, just
picking a nit, I guess.
Adams, 32, walked into the Crisp County Law Enforcement Center early
Thursday and told deputies he had burned down the doublewide home.
He told deputies that after watching "The Day After Tomorrow," a
special-effects extravaganza depicting deadly natural disasters caused by
global warming, and drinking nine or 10 beers, he decided to set fire to
pillows on his bed.
Badly written sentence. It almost reads like
natural disasters are caused by global warming and the drinking of nine or
ten beers. My edit..... He told deputies that, after drinking nine or ten
beers and watching "The Day........" so on. I'm sure I will get
corrections on that.
Sorry, guys. I guess I just went into editors mode
on this story. Or maybe its just that I am allergic to ignorance. WHAP!
Anyway, the guy remains in jail while his family
members attempt to raise money for his bond. I think they are having a hard
time because Bo and Luke are trying to keep Uncle Jessi from finding out.
Friday, 15, 2004
Physics Professor Goes on Rage
in Class
This story is just
more proof that those Cajuns are nuts. A University of Louisiana at
Lafayette physics professor was banned from the campus and taken off to have
his noodle examined after threatening his class.
A student,
Kacie Spears, said that the professor, Louis Houston, just started screaming
and cussing at the students.
"Then he told us if we got out of our seats he's
gonna kill us. He went on the black board and wrote "911 now", so we were
really in fear for our lives," Spears told KATC-TV.
She also said the guy slapped a student and then
told the class he was God. That is insane! I mean - John Edwards just
informed us, via his all cripples will walk if John Kerry is elected
president comment, that John Kerry is God.
Anyway, after class ended one of the students
called campus security.
This led to the entire hall being evacuated. And
just for really insane safe measures, the FBI, State Police, Lafayette
Parish Sheriff's Department Intelligence Unit, and bomb sniffing dogs were
brought in for assistance.
They found nothing, so their alert level went from
extremely hot to slightly mild.
Sex and the walking sleeper
Before you know it we are going to have a
condition/excuse for EVERYTHING we do! This is a story about a woman who was
"unknowingly" living a double life. She had a problem with sleepwalking.
Seems she would get up - still asleep - in the middle of the night, go sleep
walking, find a stranger and bring him back to the house and have "sleep"
sex with them. Did I mention she was married?
Her husband knew she would sometimes sleep walk and
did find a few things strange.
"He was aware of
some sleepwalking and there was circumstantial evidence, including the
unexplained presence of condoms around the house," Dr Buchanan said.
"On one occasion he awoke to find her absent from the bedroom and searched
until he found her - engaged in such activity."
Her condition,
known as sleep sex, is a recently identified form of parasomnia, or sleep
disorder, Dr Buchanan will tell the Annual Scientific Meeting of the
Australasian Sleep Association in Sydney this weekend.
He said sleep sex
was increasingly being recognized as a real and personally devastating
condition. He expects it will be included in the next revision of the
International Classification of Sleep Disorders, giving it the final stamp
of legitimacy. 
Right. WHAP!!!Why hasn't this Doctor been locked
up? What a load of crap!
I know you male shovelers are reading this and
thinking "Oh yeah! I feel a disorder coming on!" Don't! Trust me, this
"Doctors" finding are going to show that this is definitely a 'female only'
disorder.
Think about it. There is no way in the world that a
man walking around the streets in the middle of the night, asleep and half
naked, will EVER be able to get a female stranger to come home with him.
Much less to have sex with him!
Gunman tries to take boy's lunch money
This story comes to us from my "people I definitely
need to hunt down and beat to death with a shovel" file.
A sixth-grader was held up at gunpoint at a bus
stop by a man who demanded his lunch money, authorities said.
"It's an act of serious desperation," Cleveland police spokesman Lt. Wayne
Drummond said. "How much money can you expect to get from an 11-year-old kid
on his way to school?"
This freak grabbed the kid by the arm, asked him where
he lived, pointed a gun at him and then demanded all of his lunch money. The
kid didn't move, because he was in shock. So, the guy freaked and ran off
behind some buildings.
Police said they are going to step up patrols in the area. I'm going to send
the kid a shovel. Michael Moore said that the kid could keep his money, he
just wanted his lunch.
Groom Gets New Heart on His
Wedding Day
DETROIT - Steven
Dulka III knew Oct. 2 was going to be a big day — but he didn't know how
big. Hours after marrying Deidre Jacoboni, Dulka was at Henry Ford Hospital
getting a new heart.
The 51 year old was
on a list for a new ticker because he suffered from inflammation of the
heart. Just hours before his wedding, he got a call from the hospital's
transplant coordinator letting him know that there was a heart for him and
that he needed to come to the hospital immediately.
He, his wife and a
bunch of friends made some frantic cell phone calls and managed to get the
ceremony moved up an hour. He was married and then taken straight to the
hospital for surgery. All went well and he is recovering and is expected to
be fine.
Well, that is until
the sedation wears off and he realizes that part of the surgery, per his
wives request, included the removal of his testicles.
Couple told to become siblings
A happily married
couple in Haryana has been told to regard each other as brother and sister
by a council of similar caste villages which decreed their marriage was
unacceptable on social grounds.
In Sunday’s bizarre
ruling in Asanda, Jhajjar, near Delhi, a Rathee khap panchayat
ordered Rampal and Sonia, who is three-months pregnant, to terminate their
marriage of one-and-a-half years.
The panchayat, comprising elders from three villages, said there was “bhaichara”
(brotherhood) between members of Rampal’s gotra Dahiya (a sub-caste
in the Jat community) and Sonia’s Rathee gotra.
Sorry, I know that
was a tedious read. The story comes to us from India.
But it made me
think ... if the story had came to us from Alabama -- wouldn't the headline
have been SIBLINGS TOLD NOT TO BECOME COUPLE ???
Have a great weekend, guys! See you Monday!
Thursday, 14, 2004
Cell Phones Double as Credit
Cards
Motorola is the
latest company to move towards adding a payment function to its line of cell
phones, the company announced this week.
Motorola plans to begin trials
of
NFC-enabled phones in the U.S. later this year,
the company says. The phones will be used with MasterCard International's
PayPass payment service, it says. Motorola did not specify where the trials
will take place.
Whoever hatched this idea needs to be thrown into
intellectual rehab! Do they not see the inherent disaster of producing a
cell phone that will double as a credit card? Imagine what a teenager would
do with that. Or even worse, A WOMAN!
Teen Queen Duff fails to deliver
in 'Raise your voice'
I generally find
movie critics to be tedious megalomaniacs who should not only be ignored,
but also beat to death with a shovel.
The opening line of this guys review is pretty damn funny. He name is
Spencer Ziegler, he writes for the
Massachusetts
Daily Collegian, and he is reviewing Hillary Duff's new flick.
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