But, I digress. Is there something going on in your life that you want advice on? Relationships, money, etc? Just ask and I will respond with humorous sage advice. It will be fun and if I can’t help surely there will be someone out there who can. So, lay back, relax and e-mail Dr. Timm. <anyone thinking of following this advice should haul ass to Milton Bradley and purchase about 10 copies of the game Life!>
Dear Doctor Timm;
I am 34 & my wife is 30.
My father in-law divorced my wife’s mom 5 years ago. The reason he claimed she was batty. 10 months after the divorce, we find out my mother in law is starting to loose her memory. Doctor’s performed a brain autopsy. Fortunately, they found nothing malignant. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law has no short term memory. My wife & I take care of her. My wife’s dad is 56 & dating a 26 year old. They are interested in getting married. We have 2 kids under 4 and are concerned about the situation.
No smack here Timmy….need some good advice!.
Thanks!
Confused in Connecticut
Dear Confused,
First off, Confused -- and I do mean confused! If the Doctor performed a brain "autopsy", I would have to assume the woman is BRAIN-DEAD!!! Are you confused? Autopsy?? Where was this doctors office located? Inside a huge pine straw covered lean-to? Did he have your mother in law stand inside a small circle of gun powder, holding a pet rock, while he rubbed his Fisher Price Viewfinder around her head? Man her insurance coverage must suck!
Anyway, I always try and take a positive look at all situations. You have an enormous opportunity here, Confused. Visit your mother in law as often as you can and ask her if you can borrow some cash. She will forget about the loan and you will be sitting in the green! If she forgets things by the hour, then go over there and borrow some cash, then go drive around the block a few times and then come back for some more. Continue this until she is flat broke and then you can stick her in a home and let Uncle Sam pay for her upkeep! No more annoying mother in law and you have a brand new free pool in the backyard. Sweet!
If she is a MILF send her my way and I will give her a full examination.
<Side note, Shovelers, never trust a doctor who claims that he can take your temperature with his finger.>
Now, onto the father in law. If I were you, I would shake the guys hand and say, 'congratulations!'. If you really want to be a good son in law, go buy him a big ass bottle of Viagra. He will thank you for it and you won't have worry about him leaving his bedroom long enough to bring his concubine over to visit you and the kids.
I wouldn't worry about it though. The kids are to young to remember it anyway. Plus, later, when the kids reach their late teens, you can tell them granddads story and - if they are boys- it will only make them respect him even more!
There is my advice. As usual, there will be no charge for this session. Especially sense I think that you don't actually have a problem.
Shovel on
Dr. Timm
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Dear Dr. Timm,
I had a dream last night that I met a beautiful woman. To make a long story short, the dream led to us getting hot and heavy. I then woke up before the dream ended. This is why I am writing you. I woke up "rubbing against my dog - if you know what I mean. She is a black lab and always sleeps with me, usually curled up around my feet. This night she just happened to be curled up near my waist. It freaked me out and I sort of jumped. She jumped too, and went out the doggie door and crawled into her dog house. She avoids me now and only comes around when it is time for me to feed her. She won't play ball with me any more or chase her Frisbee. I know this is strange, but do you have any idea what I can do? George, N.C.
My Lord! I don't get paid enough to deal with things like this!! You are one sick puppy. This turns my stomach! I just crushed up half a bottle of Tums and cut it out into fat lines and I am snorting it while doing shots of Pepto-Bismol just to keep from heaving up everything that I have eaten since the late 70's. Twelve steps aren't going to help you here. Hell, I don't think a one hundred and twelve step program would help you. A nice tall glass of Jim Jones Kool-Aid might just do the trick, though.
It seems to me that you might be suffering from BUC's disease. < banging ugly chicks> A dog is a dog, right? Seems you just took it to the next level. I think your dog is avoiding you because you took "playing ball" just a bit too far for her, you twisted freak. I'm not schooled in pet therapy - nor do I believe in it. Hell, I don't believe in any therapy other than a good shovel to the skull! So that is my advice to you. Find a nice spade and go ballistics on yourself with it. After that call P.E.T.A , I am sure they could offer you some advice. In the meantime -- STAY THE HELL OFF OF MY PAGE!! You freak!!!
I'm gripping and there will be no charge for this session as I am hoping that you won't live long enough to pay the debt!
Dr. Timm
Dear Dr. Timm
I have a crush on the guy who delivers the meat and stuff to the deli I work at. I don't want to just ask him out but I flirted and dropped hints and he ain't done nothing. I'm pretty sure he ain't got no girlfriend so that cain't be the problem. I ain't ugly and have a very great personitaly. How can I get something done without looking cheep?
Jan
Duncan, Miss.
Dear Jan,
Where to start here? I would say he might be gay but I think that that is illegal in Mississippi. I'm just going to venture a guess and say, IT'S YOU!!! You and your very great personITALY! Combine that with your demonic abuse of the English language and I'd say that I have answered the question as to why he has shunned all of your hints, trailer park!
Actually, I'm thinking that about half way through the date, after several of your "ain't got no's" and "cain't be's", he would have pulled out a shovel and beat you to death right there at the dinner table! So, you should look at the fact that the two of you haven't hooked up as a good thing.
My advice to you is to go back to the elementary school you dropped out of and re enroll yourself! You'll be moving on to high school before you know it. Until then, start dating your cousin again, I'm sure he has been lonely since you two broke up.
Not very optimistically yours,
Dr. Timm
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