 |
 |
|
|
Thursday, 30, 2004 Fox News beats all rivals The
Fox News Channel has taken the shovel that I loaned them and are just
beating the snot out of the other cable news channels. I'm not talking
individual numbers here. Fox news is beating all the other channels numbers
COMBINED! According to Nielsen Research, in the third quarter of 2004, Fox News averaged 1.8 million viewers during prime time. Their "competition" CNN, MSNBC, CNBC and Headline News all combined for a total of 1.7 million. CNN drew almost a
million less, averaging 882,000 viewers. MSNBC drew
421,000 and Headline News averaged 226,000. CNBC isn't being watched outside
of its friends and family members. It is almost sad that the
mainstream media doesn't see what is happening to them. It is going to be
fun to watch though. Bandits target beer festival punters Police in Munich say a
gang dubbed the ‘boob bandits’ has been robbing people at this year’s
Oktoberfest. This gang consists of one well endowed woman and her two cohorts - one male one female. They search the crowd and pick out guys who are obviously drunk. Then, after she gets their victims attention, she releases the fun bags for his approval. The male victim then does what males are programmed to do when they see a live set of bare breast - lose their minds, forget that anything else exists and just stare. While the victim is in this state of mammary mix-up, the accomplices grab his wallet. Brilliant. Can I
offer these thieves a little advice? Start going to Kennedy parties. There
will be more breast crazed drunks and they will have a whole lot more money
in their wallets. Just don't accept a ride home from any of them. Asteroid to Pass Close to Earth Wednesday An asteroid will pass within 1 million miles of Earth on Wednesday, making it the closest encounter with a major solar system object so far this century. Astronomers at
NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory said the asteroid, called 4179 Toutatis,
travels in an eccentric orbit that takes it from inside Earth's orbit to the
main asteroid belt, a loose agglomeration of planetoids and boulders
arranged in an orbit around the sun between Mars and Jupiter. It is the
closest-known asteroid that crosses Earth's orbit. We have learned
that Bruce Willis, if necessary, is ready to step up and do what it takes to
save mankind from the asteroid. Ben Affleck said it would be dreamy if he
could kiss the big lipped girl again, then blamed President Bush's policies
for everything under then sun. I offer myself up for a beating for even
coming up with that movie reference. Please forgive me. I shall endeavor to
do better in the future.
Citing Danger, Postal Service
Suspends Deliveries to Part of Shreveport The U.S. Postal Service Tuesday took the rare step of suspending mail
delivery because of fear carriers could be putting their lives in danger.
Residents in 28 homes along the Clanton Street in Shreveport must now travel
to their post office to get their mail.
Hours after that incident, a 5-year-old girl watching television in her bedroom, was shot by a bullet that came through her window. Since Sunday, Shreveport police have responded to at least three calls of shots being fired along Clanton Street. Police say the gunfire involves an ongoing feud between two groups of people who live in the area.
Interesting. So, the post office isn't going to deliver the mail because
there are a bunch of people running around going postal. hmmmmm... Wednesday, 29, 2004
"I am orange, hear me roar!"
Robber chased off by manager wielding broom Jacksonville police are looking for a man who tried to hold up the Burger King on U.S. 17 near the Triangle area Sunday night but was chased off with a broom handle. About 10 p.m. Sunday, a man walked into Burger King and behind the counter. He approached the assistant manager, who was standing near the drive-through window, said Sammy Phillips, deputy chief of the Jacksonville Police Department. "He held a boning knife and demanded money," Phillips said. The assistant
manager thought some employees were playing a trick on him and didn't
respond to the man who was wearing a mask.
"The guy held the knife up again and demanded all the money," Phillips said. The assistant manager backed away from the man, headed into the kitchen and grabbed a broom. He ended up chasing the would be robber out of the restaurant and into the parking lot where he was hit by a car. Not hard enough though, because he got up and ran into the woods. You know my
question here. Where was the shovel?
JACK DANIEL'S: LEMONADE NEXT?
JACK Daniel's has sparked outrage among serious
drinkers by unceremoniously lowering the proof of its famous Tennessee
Whiskey from 86 to 80. Ted Kennedy has accused the company of committing a coup on his personal ability to obtain a buzz. He stated that Jack Daniel's has now replaced Osama Bin Laden on his list of most wanted American terrorist. That leaves Jack second only to President Bush. WHAP! Fifteen years ago, Jack's people dropped the proof factor from 90 to 86 proof. Apparently, to members of the Kennedy family, country singers and Jack D fans, this was a slap in the face to those dedicated to the consumption of the 138-year-old recipe. There have actually been protest and groups fromed over the drop in alcohol content. No word yet as to
how this drop in proofage will effect
vomiting or the
impregnation of ones cousin! But we will watch. Stay tuned! So who are the "stoned slackers" watching Jon Stewart? The folks at Comedy Central were annoyed when Fox News Channel's Bill O'Reilly kept referring to "The Daily Show" audience as "stoned slackers." So they did a little research. And guess whose audience is more educated? Viewers of Jon
Stewart's show are more likely to have completed four years of college than
people who watch "The O'Reilly Factor," according to Nielsen Media Research. Blah, blah! Define
"completed", here, guys. Which they don't. I am assuming a lot of them
completed those four years as part of their eight year plan. Anyway, Bill
O'Reilly is more likely to watch his show than anyone else on the planet. If
his head gets any bigger he is going to need medical help! Is he pining for
Dan Rather's job? Maybe, he seems to have given him a pass in the whole
Rathergate story. Bill used to work for CBS. Anyway, I get the feeling that
Bill runs his show on an endless loop in his house. Tuesday, 28, 2004 WPA ( Works Progress Administration ) Posters were made during the WWII Era between 1936 and 1943 as part of Franklin Delano Roosevelt's New Deal. We are offering reproductions of approximately 800 of these posters which were originally silkscreen, lithograph, and woodcuts. They were designed to publicize health and safety programs; cultural programs including art exhibitions, theatrical, and musical performances; travel and tourism; educational programs; and community activities in seventeen states and the District of Columbia. The posters were made possible by one of the first U.S. Government programs to support the arts.
Is it just me, or is this the freaking AOL guy? Somebody needs to sue somebody for some copyrights here, don't they? 
San Jose police officer involved in fatal shooting An afternoon coffee break at Starbucks turned deadly Sunday when a San Jose patrol officer fatally shot a patron who attacked him and threw a chair at him, police said. The victim was identified by friends and family as Zaim Bojcic, 40, who moved to the United States 10 years ago as a refugee from Bosnia. They described him as quiet but troubled. The victim? He attacked a cop and they are calling him the 'victim.' Can we all say, "Hello?" Dixon said the officer reported being approached by a Starbucks clerk
around 1:10 p.m. Sunday, saying she was having trouble with Bojcic, who was
sitting outside the shop with three other men. Dixon said the officer told
police that Bojcic immediately became confrontational, and picked up a patio
chair and threw it, striking the officer. The officer said he retreated and
called for backup, then pulled out his Taser and fired. Dixon said the Taser
apparently had little effect, either because only one of its two prongs
struck Bojcic, or because Bojcic quickly recovered from the shock. The
officer reported that Bojcic then charged him in the street, punching and
kicking him. At that point, the officer dropped the Taser, Dixon said. "He pulled out his gun while being beaten and fired several shots,'' he said. Bojcic was taken by ambulance to Santa Clara Valley Medical Center, where he was pronounced dead. Sounds to me like that cop needs a little target practice! Just so you know, this Bojcic character is a Muslim. Isn't that odd. Not! Damn Muslims. When are we going to get behind our police officers and supply them with what they need? A big, hard SHOVEL!
Feds seeking $61K from alleged call girl Federal prosecutors argue the government should keep $61,000 in cash seized from an Oakland woman who allegedly worked as a high-priced call girl to repay student loans from her time at Stanford Law School. Court documents detail how agents sifted through trash, conducted surveillance, interviewed clients and a colleague, pored over tax returns and surfed the Internet to build a case for keeping money seized from Cristina Schultz, 31 -- who they say used the name "Brazil" and charged $1,300 for two hours. I wonder how much it cost us an hour for those agents to do all of that
pointless 'investigating'? What a total waste! Our government and all of its
minions need to go get a hobby. Get the hell out of peoples lives. Do you
guys not find it ironic that any member of Congress could have the audacity
to call anyone a whore? Look yourselves in the mirror, you bunch of freaks!
Your livelihood is derived from offering favors.
Anyway, as I understand it - the forfeiture laws put the burden on the property's owner to prove their innocence. So they can take your money before they prove you guilty. That is a load!! Hopefully the Judicial Wing of The Shovel will clear this up, because it is beyond my vast range of knowing stuff.
Monday, 27, 2004
Man Accused of Trying To Attack
Men with Chainsaw Shoveline Texas - A bar in San Antonio almost made the next episode of When Freaks Attack. Witnesses say a man was thrown out of Double T's bar for starting fights,
but once he left, they say he didn't stop. He allegedly came to his truck,
pulled out a chainsaw and went back after them. "He allegedly came to his truck..." Where did this reporter learn to write? The University of I Ain't Got No and Done Been? WHAP! It is kind of odd. Read his sentence again. Came and went - in this case should have been went and came. Sorry, I guess I am just nit picking. But still -- It is sort of like.... He came to the whore house and went. Anyway, the people locked the bar door, but this guy started trying to cut through it. He was so out of control that the police had to hog tie him. We don't know yet if Leather face was able to provide an alibi for his whereabouts, but Tobe Hooper claimed that he may have a plot for another cult classic on his hands.
Teacher Sends Boy Home With Feces in Bag A teacher is on paid administrative leave after sending a first-grader
home with feces in his backpack because the boy soiled the classroom floor.
The teacher apparently was frustrated with the 6-year-old student's actions so she wrapped up the waste and sent it home with the boy Tuesday along with a note, Dallas school district spokesman Donald Claxton said. Appeantly this kids parents aren't showing him the business end of a shovel often enough. Also, this just goes to show that government educators should not be allowed around children. Man, and I used to think my homework was a bunch of CRAP!
Dog with a
'sixth sense' saves her master's life
If Howard Dean had had a dog he might be the
Democratic candidate now. Patrol Stands by 205 Speeding Ticket We had this story last week, guys. Here is a follow up. Do you notice a resemblance to another story that I have been commenting on? There's little doubt that a Stillwater motorcyclist could wind up his Honda sport motorcycle past 180 mph, but members of the motorcycle racing world question whether the State Patrol was correct to cite him for 205 mph last weekend. Soon motorcycle enthusiasts were buzzing about whether Tilley really broke the 200 mph barrier. <is this a bunch of right wing radio host and internet bloggers like yours truly?> "Theoretically, it could happen —
anything is possible — but I don't believe it," said John Ulrich, editor of
Roadracing World, a magazine that covers sport bike racing. "Guys who want
to break speed records and go over 200 mph have to go to great lengths to
get there." He said that if the timing were off by only a half-second, it would drop Tilley's speed to about 185 mph. He also said that the owner would have to change the motorcycle's transmission, fuel injectors and gears — and might have to add either a supercharger or pump nitrous oxide or methane into the fuel system. All of this is possible, but very expensive and not something that anyone would do just to ride around the city. The Department of Public Safety Spokesman, Kevin Smith, says that there was no reason to believe that the trooper, who had 27 years of experience, was wrong. They are standing by the story. This guy must have just completed Dan Rather 101. Experts be damned, I stand by my lie....errr... claim.
'Terminator 4' set for production, but will the 'Govern-ator' be back? The "Terminator" will be back next year, but will California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger reprise the movie role that made him a superstar? Warner Bros. studios has given the green light for "Terminator 4" to
begin production next year, despite doubts that the movie star turned
politician will be free to take on more enemies, Daily Variety reported.
After a year in development, the latest film in the hit movie franchise will return under the direction of "Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines" director Jonathan Mostow, the industry daily said. Studio bosses have held talks with the Austrian-born governor of the state over his availability for the film, the daily said. Maybe he can play a Democrat that has come back from the future to save the party in 2004. No. Wait. Zell Miller has already tried that. So I guess there is only one reason to make the film - say it with me -- special effects.
Friday, 24, 2004 Guys, we need to pool our resources and produce a "When Liberals Go Stark Raving Nuts!" book series, because these freaks are loosing it! The following in an excerpt from a column by Tina Brown of the Washington Post. "Like O.J. Simpson's infamous "struggle" to squeeze his big hand into the glove, the letter was just a lousy piece of evidence that should never have been produced in court. Now because CBS, like Marcia Clark, screwed up the prosecution, Bush is going to walk." What? WHAP! Just a lousy piece of evidence? Lady, <and I use that word loosely> the letters - or official documents as Dan Rather calls them - were THE EVIDENCE in this CBS "case"! Period! It is true that
they
never should have been produced. The problem here is that this logically depraved myopian
refuses to admit why. The evidence shouldn't have been produced because it
wasn't evidence! It was a big fat lie!
Liberals will not only put more credence into the charges than they will the evidence. They will also say to hell with the evidence if it gets in the way of their charges. It is crazier than an inbred possum! In this case, the media is doing nothing more than hurting themselves by basically ignoring Rather-gate. <Oh God, will one of you please beat me with a shovel for going to that trite little nickname!> Anyway, by - in essence- turning a blind eye to this Rather story the media elite are just destroying what little trust the American people have left in them. It is disturbing. They are, if I may be allowed to make my own equally absurd and insane O.J. reference - cutting their own throats!!!!
Steer Clear of Lloyd in the Brown Car, Warns insurer
This story comes to us
from the "things no one with a life has ever wondered about" file. Auto
insurers in the UK conducted an in-depth study into the names and genders of
people who had the most accidents.
Almost a third (30%) of men called Lloyd are likely to make a claim on their car insurance over the course of a year, and the same is true of more than a third (35%) of women named Natasha.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
Sorry, I dozed off halfway through this "story." Anyway, here in
America, the most likely name <man or woman> is Billy Joel. The van Gogh's not watching you -- it's just how you see itWho among us hasn't had a little creep bug crawl up their spine when they noticed that the eyes of a portrait seem to be following them around no matter where they go in the room? We all have, and it is especially creepy if the portrait is of someone who left this planet many years ago. Well, a new study explains the science of why those piercing eyes seem to move when we do. All it takes for the effect to work is to have the person in the painting, or photograph, look straight ahead, said James Todd, co-author of the study and a professor of psychology at Ohio State University. "The core idea is simple: No matter what angle you
look at a painting from, the painting itself doesn't change. You're looking
at a flat surface. The pattern of light and dark remains the same," Todd
said. Todd said the biggest reason for the following eyes is the way we perceive a three-dimensional object on a two-dimensional surface. Three-dimensional objects, in life, change with the way light falls on them as viewers move around the object. But "when we observe a picture on the wall, the visual information that defines near and far points is unaffected by viewing direction,'' Todd said. "Still, we interpret this perceptually as if it were a real object. That is why the eyes appear to follow you as you change your viewing direction." Interesting,
but, I think, pointless. The information will do nothing to allay the creepy
feelings that an old portrait can give off. It will continue to give us
chills no matter how they try and explain it away. And, I assume that
horror writers all across the globe are thankful for that fact. Big Donor Ordered To Remove Beer From Kinnick Stadium What would you say
if you wrote a $5 million check to the University of Iowa's Athletic
Department and then were ordered to remove the beer from your private
stadium box? Bill Krause, the CEO of the company that owns 420 Kum & Go convenience stores, said he has stocked his Kinnick box's refrigerator with beer for Hawkeye games for the past 10 years, thanks to an "accommodation" the school had made. Well, at an Iowa -Iowa State game, the freaking day after they held a press conference to announce Bill's donation - the fridge in his box was empty. He knows nothing, and the school officials don't know anything. Me smells a college
prank. Or, maybe Ted Kennedy stopped by that morning for breakfast and
didn't tell anybody. Thursday, 23, 2004 Singer Cat Stevens to Be Deported Homeland Security officials are saying that Yusuf Islam — a.k.a, singer Cat Stevens — is going to be deported. He was denied entry to the United States after being placed on a government "no-fly" list because of his associations with potential terrorists groups. Cat was on United Airlines Flight 919, en route to Dulles International Airport from London, when someone matched his name to the Security watch list. The plane was then diverted to Maine, where it was met by federal agents at Bangor International Airport. Homeland Security Department spokesman Dennis Murphy identified the passenger as Islam. "He was interviewed and denied admission to the United States on national security grounds," Murphy said. One official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said Islam, 56, was identified by the Advanced Passenger Information System, which requires airlines to send passenger information to Customs and Border Protection's National Targeting Center. The Transportation Security Administration then was contacted and requested that the plane land at the nearest airport, that official said I say, EXCELLENT! This just shows that the system
is working. I say deport this guy if for no other reason than the terror that his music inflicted on our auditory senses via the public airwaves! I swear, he should be locked up, naked in a dark room and be starved, tortured and beaten with a shovel just for unleashing "Morning Has Broken" on the ears of our country! "Peace Train," should be legal grounds for a lethal injection. Yusuf, Cat... err what ever he wants to call himself changed his name and ended his music career in the late 1970s after orthodox Muslim teachers convinced him that his lifestyle was forbidden by Islamic law. Hmmm.... is there any chance that those teachers might get a hold of Eminem and all the members of Green Day? Cross your fingers! WHAP!!
French 'Spider Man' Climbs 59-Story Building Personal note here,
guys. Using the words 'FRENCH SPIDERMAN" should be a shovel punishable
offense.
Anyway, this guy, Alain Robert, who has climbed everything from the Eiffel Tower to the Empire State Building, decided to climb the Montparnasse Tower in Paris. Police
immediately set up a safety zone below the tower and dispatched officers to
the roof. They were there when Alain reached the top of the building. He
immediately
surrendered. Imagine that? Man Shoots Wife, Mistakes Her for Monkey A Malaysian man Yikes! This 70 year old man is being held for causing 'death through recklessness' after he shot his 68 year old wife because he thought she was a monkey in one of his mangosteen trees. Upon hearing this
story Scott Peterson exclaimed, "Damn! Why didn't I think of that?" Moonfrightening Cybill
No story here, guys. Just a frightening picture. NOTE! I am not responsible
for any erectile dysfunction problems that this picture might cause.
She appeared on GMTV in a red velvet hooded cape to hide her 'jetlag hair' and told the interviewer, Fiona Phillips: 'I didn't have time to do my hair. If you'd like a laugh, I'll take it off in a bit but it's a little scary. I bought this cape last year and thought, "Some day I'm going to wear this every day of my life". So far, I've been in London for two days and I've worn it every day.' This is one time you will never hear me yell, "Take it off!" I am going to go take a knee -- and try and catch my breath.
Wednesday, 22, 2004I am reserving comment on the latest beheading. I have read your emails and I am equally as angry as you guys. I just have to ask, how much more do we take before we unleash the full force of our power? I mean it. We have been pussyfooting around. Why not let them hold it from both barrels? Why not take the next step and just level that place? It worked in Japan. We ..... never mind, I will save it for a rant. On to the news...Conn. Man Gets Extra Time In Prison For Dropping PantsThree months ago,
during a robbery trial,
The little
act of exposing his AL
Franken got him six months for contempt of court, to be served after his six
month sentence for the robbery charge. I get the feeling that he won't be
"voluntarily" dropping his pants for the next year. Motorcyclist
Arrested For Driving 205 MPH
WHAP! Wouldn't be
pretty? That is the keen, omnipotent insight that you Minnesotans are
getting for your confiscated tax dollars. Sad! Isn't it nice that we are
forced to pay these people to inform us of the obvious? What do you want to
bet that waking up next to this lady wouldn't be "pretty"?
Scientist are
saying that they have been able to attain an image resolution at 0.6
angstrom, which breaks the previous record of 0.7 angstrom that the lab set
earlier this year. An angstrom is a unit of length that measures the
wavelength of light and it is about 500,000 times smaller than the thickness
of a human hair. Researchers say being able to see how materials bond together at an atomic level could prove a significant benefit to the semiconductor industry, chemistry and in the development of new materials. That is tiny, tiny
stuff. Using this technology they might even be able to see Michael Moore's
brain. Or even find some actual talent in Chris Burman. Dry Town Tries to
Overturn Alcohol Ban Except for a brief period after Prohibition, Rockport has been dry since 1856, when 200 hatchet-wielding women swept through town and destroyed anything containing liquor. At a town meeting Monday, nearly 1,000 people voted by a 3-to-1 margin to begin allowing the sale of alcohol at restaurants. Liquor stores and bars would still be banned. So, the town has
been dry since a bunch of women went Lizzy Borden on the place over 150
years ago. Now they want to sell alcohol again, but they don't want to have
bars or liquor stores. Yet, they will let them sell it at restaurants and
stores. Don't you just see the loop holes here?? Insane!
Light bulb Burns for 96 Years
Believe it or
not.... a light bulb in Texas celebrated its 96th straight year of burning
yesterday. Madonna said she knows what it is like to have something burn for
that long. Supposedly the light was turned on Sept. 21, 1908 and has been lit ever since. Ted Kennedy, in the bulbs honor, claimed that he is going to stay lit for the next 96 days. It isn't the longest burning bulb though,.... According to the Guinness Book of World Records, that honor goes to a some 4 watt bulb that has been burning at a firehouse in Livermore, California, since it was turned on in 1901.
Tuesday, 21, 2004
Couple Fined $94,000 for One-Child
Rule Lapse
A court in China
just fined a couple $94,250 and sealed off their house for having more than
one child! Take your shovel and sit down for this....... they had twins!!!
The pair were among nine couples who were fined "social fostering fees" for their extra children....punishment for having more than one child can include having the power to the offending couple's house or to the houses of relatives being cut off the newspaper said. That is just flat out whacked! Or is it? Is it any
more insane than what we do here in America? We pay people to breed - we
give them a check and housing. I say both approaches are mind numbingly
insane!
One good
fish story: Max closes in on 20 Within a week, all
the fish were dead. Except the one called Max.
Today, 19 years later, Max is still very much alive and swimming. He lives in the basement of Bennett's parents' house, and despite a few signs of age -- his eyes are a bit cloudy and one of his gills doesn't work very well -- he isn't slowing down. "He's a beast," said Bennett, 28, a Mount Prospect native who now lives in Elk Grove Village. "It's like nothing can stop him. We'd go on vacation for a week, and I'd just dump a bunch of food in his bowl. When we got back, he'd be swimming like a champ." This fish is now
almost a foot long and Bennett claims that he has always been very
low-maintenance. He also says he plans to have Max stuffed and mounted when
he dies. I say grab a pan and some tarter sauce and send him on his way in
style! Sheriff's Deputy Accused Of Giving Gun To Felon An off duty County
sheriff's deputy got drunk and handed his gun to a buddy that he was
partying with. What could go wrong, huh? Well, for starters,
his buddy is a convicted felon. But it gets better - or worse depending on
your disposition. This gun had a laser pointer on it, which his buddy found
fascinatingly funny. So funny that he couldn't help but aim the beam at the
backs of several peoples heads. The cops were called and the two were
arrested. The hearing has been postponed, but obviously the guy will be
relieved of his deputy duties. Barney has called him a disgrace to the
deputy profession. Andy G agreed. Teen dies after beating during gang initiation Six teenagers
were charged with homicide Thursday in the beating death of an eighth-grader
who agreed to the fight as part of a gang initiation. A medical examiner
said Williams died from a blow to the chest that crushed the left chamber of
his heart. No weapons were used during the fight, authorities said. I am assuming that
this gang started with six members and will forever only have six members.
Well, unless Jesus decides to join.
Monday, 20, 2004 Big ol' beer can turns into keg of cash I scanned this story for Ted Kennedy's name but it wasn't there. Anyway, this guy sold an empty beer can on eBay, for $10,999.99. And to think the Democrats are saying that the economy is in the toilet! It can't be that bad if someone was able to hand over almost eleven grand for an empty beer can. You know what their spin would be, don't you? "Economy so bad, man forced to pay $11,000 for an EMPTY beer can!" WHAP! A few months ago, Loewer took the Burger Beer can,
circa 1935 - mustard yellow with a cartoonish camel asking "Are you
thirsty?" - to a Dayton sports bar. Friends there told him he might have a
collector's item. Next, he discovered an identical can sold for nearly
$16,000 on eBay last year. So Loewer hired AuctionReach, a West Chester Township company that specializes in eBay auctions, to sell the can for him. The winning bid - from a Maysville, Ky., collector who prefers to remain anonymous - came in one minute before the auction ended 7 p.m. Monday. Auction Reach? There is actually a company that specializes in eBay auctions? How do you specialize in something that a chimpanzee could do? This just goes back to our economy. It is so strong that people too lazy to move their mouse and point at their keyboard can actually move their mouse and point at their keyboard and pay someone to do what they could have easily done for themselves. How in the hell do you specialize in something that is so mindlessly simple to do? Anyway, this can was patented, in Cincinnati, by this guys grandfather in 1934. They called it the "Can-O-Draft" and it held almost 2 gallons of beer. It was the first disposable beer keg. This guys grandfather used the money from the patent to put his daughter/Loewer's mother - through college. Loewer says he is going to use this money to pay for his son's high school tuition. The circle of life, huh? Can you say, a toast?
Britney Spears Reportedly Marries in California Ooops! Pop star
Britney Spears did it again and got married for the second time this year --
this time to dancer Kevin Federline in a private ceremony in Studio City,
California, "Access Hollywood" reported on Sunday.
Spears, 22, and Federline, 26, surprised their parents with the unexpected ceremony, which took place in a private residence, according to a publicist for the syndicated entertainment news program. We don't have word yet as to how this is going to
affect her MILF rating. I'm assuming it will remain at 10.
Guess Who’s On the Catwalk RIYADH, 19 September 2004 — Goat fanciers turned
out in force to admire and bid for beautiful goats showing off on the
catwalk at a weekend festival and auction of Al-Shami goats in Riyadh. Thirty goats were selected according to age and gender. Abdul Aziz Al-Khalaf, one of the five judges for the “Most Beautiful Goat” competition, explained that the winners are chosen on the basis of a combination of factors and overall appearance, not simply by their color. Particular points taken into consideration are the head, nose, mouth, ears, breast and eyes. The most important factor is the size of the head and the whiteness of the eye. The one-liners are just too easy here, so I am just
going to leave them alone. I wonder though, would Michael Moore be there to
eat or mate? 
Friday, 17, 2004 Hurricane Ivan Slams Alabama, Florida Hurricane Ivan
slammed into the U.S. Gulf coast
Man!! Three in a row! First Charlie, then Frances and now Ivan. Just damn! Do you know what Ted Kennedy calls three hurricanes in a row? BREAKFAST!
Father Faces Charges After His Two-Year-Old Daughter Got Drunk A guy in New York is now facing child endangerment charges because he got his two-year-old daughter drunk. I'm not making this up, guys. GRIP! This just makes me
ask -- why aren't people required to pass intelligence test before they are
allowed to breed? Procreating is a very essential function in the
continuance of the human race, yet we allow freaks who are a drag on the Anyway, need I tell you that the parents are divorced and it was daddy's time to "put up with" the little girl? He did his time and then returned the child to her mother. That is when she noticed that her child smelled like she had been having breakfast with Ted Kennedy. The mother took the kid to the hospital where they measured her blood alcohol level to be .14! That is almost twice the adult legal limit and nearly one fourth of Nick Nolte's average BAC. The child was treated and released and will be fine. The father was questioned and his profound explanation was that he... ".... was at a friend's house when he gave his daughter a taste of beer. He says she probably drank more on her own while he wasn't looking." Huh? The cops
should have taken a shovel and beat him into a coma! Just on principle.
Bad dog! Bad driving! A pedestrian in a Whitehorse suburb was taken aback Tuesday night when a dog drove by in a red pickup truck. Police say a person was out for a walk when the truck with a black Labrador at the wheel passed by. The police arrived to find the truck in the middle
of the road
with the dog sitting happily behind the wheel - having a dog gone good
time. There were no injuries, damages or wrecks. Maybe Billy Joel should
hire this canine for driving lessons.
The cops had to go door to door, but they finally found the owner. He was at a friends house watching the hockey with a friend. Oh, I forgot to mention that this happened in
Canada. I think that gives us a little different insight into what was going
through this dogs mind. He was a Labrador living in a land of frenchy,
french, french poodles! Obviously he was trying to get back to the USA to be
with his actual real dog brethren. Girl cries after Bush/Cheney sign ripped up Three-year-old Sophia Parlock cries while seated on
the shoulders of her father, The people who did this were members of the UNION. Union people need to be introduced to the business end of a shovel! WHAP!! Anyway, why should we expect anything less from a Kerry supporter? After all, they are the dregs of society. WHAP! Beat them!! Don't expect the media to make headlines out of this story. Sad! On this day in 1972 "M*A*S*H," premiered on TV. Never has anti American sentiment been so funny and widely accepted. WHAP!!! May Alan Alda develop a demonic case of uncontrollable diarrhea. And may Mike Ferrell wake up gay! Don't get me wrong -- I loved the show! Before I was old enough to recognize the slant. Have a great weekend. See you guys Monday! Thursday, 16, 2004
Mayor Nagin Opens Shelter Anyway, the
Superdome will be open to those seeking shelter.
The Mayor stressed that the City is providing shelter, but those heading to the Superdome must bring their own food, beverages, and a few limited personal belongings. No alcohol, cooking utensils, pets, or weapons of any kind will be allowed in the Superdome. No alcohol? On that note, Ted Kennedy called the state a quagmire and proposed legislation to pull out of Louisiana and remove it from the union. All I have to say
is, give
all
these people shoulders pads and helmets and the Saints will be facing
another loss this Sunday! Batman 'Dumped by Fed-Up Girlfriend'
Fathers 4 Justice protester ‘Batman’ Jason Hatch has
been dumped by his girlfriend after she became fed up with his
publicity-seeking stunts, it was reported tonight.
Robin, the Boy
Wonder, grinned, giggled, exclaimed "finally!" and reached for the
moisturizer on his "utility" belt.
Ms Polson told newspapers he had made a promise to
end the demonstrations. She said: “It was all going too far.”
Again, Boy Wonder reached for the moisturizer on his utility belt. Students In Custody For Campus Attack Dear Diary, I wanted to offer an opinion on this, but sometimes stupidity is just too stupid to comment on. I'm just going to go play with my shovel. Timm Five University of
Wisconsin-Milwaukee students accused of attacking a classmate late Saturday
night on campus were taken into custody Tuesday. All five of them were film
students at UW-Milwaukee. They told police they wanted to see people's
reaction. A 19-year-old girl was attacked late Saturday night as she was leaving Sandburg Halls. She told police a group of men wearing black clothing and white face makeup threw her into some bushes and fondled her. She fought back and was able to get away. Police told 12 News
that four suspects turned themselves in early Tuesday morning. The fifth was
later arrested. The district attorney is expected to file formal charges
sometime Wednesday. The charges could be sexual assault. If convicted on
those charges, the suspects could face up to 10 years in prison. Body found in York, Maine A resident made a grisly discovery Monday evening, the body of a woman stuffed into a trash can just off of Riverwood Drive. State Police Sergeant Matt Stewart of the Crimes Investigation Division said police are investigating the death at "suspicious." I didn't embellish
on that at all. Those are the first two paragraphs of the story. What is
wrong with this reporter? The SHOVEL has
learned that the investigators sent detectives to Sesame Street where they
confronted a bitter and bellicose, Oscar. He refused comment, but his alibi
was solid. Records showed that he hasn't left his can in over 25 years. XXL Bra Sparks Hunt for Heavy Crooks Shovelline, BERLIN - How would you like to open your electricity bill one day and see that it had jumped up to $600? This happened to a lady in Germany. She called the electric company who could only tell her that her electricity consumption had gone up. She couldn't figure out how that could be until she discovered that someone was sneaking in and using her private clothes dryer. How did she find that out? Very big undergarments. The German police
are searching for an obese couple who they say have been sneaking into the
apartment building to use a woman's private dryer. The only evidence police
found was an oversized XXL bra and a jumbo pair of men's underpants left
behind in the dryer. Let me tell you
guys something - the German police are making a big mistake looking for an
obese 'couple' here. Just look at the evidence.... a XXL bra and a jumbo
pair of men's underwear. Hello, Sherlock? How hard is it to spot Michael
Moore's laundry?? Case solved! Go grab gravy boy! I will bill you for my
expertise later. Wednesday, 15, 2004
Pitcher Arrested After Oakland Brawl
Texas
reliever Frank Francisco was arrested Tuesday morning on a charge of
aggravated battery after he threw a chair into the right-field box seats and
hit two spectators in the head during Monday night's loss to the Oakland
Athletics The chair hit one guy in the head and then ricocheted over and hit a woman in the face. The commissioner's office says that it is working up a good spin..... errrr... I mean, investigating the incident. The lady suffered a broken nose and was rushed to the hospital. In other injuries, ten trial attorneys attending the game suffered broken necks trying to be the first one to reach her and hand her their card. Personally, I don't see why this story is so
surprising. I mean, pretty much everything the Rangers' bullpen throws ends
up in the stands. Cancer Institute Starts Nanotechnology Drive The U.S. National Cancer Institute announced a new five-year plan on Monday to develop the use of tiny tools to fight cancer, saying nanotechnology just might provide the edge needed to defeat the disease. Nanotechnology
involves the use of devices that are the size of molecules to detect,
diagnose and treat cancer in its earliest stages. Plus, it will almost
eliminate the side effects because any drug delivered using a nano-device
will be able to precisely target the cancer cells and not destroy the
surrounding healthy cells the way chemotherapy and radiation do.
"If we can do that then we can eliminate this disease," said Richard Smalley, a professor of nanotechnology at Rice University in Houston. Ya know guys, 5 or
10 years from now we are going to look back at the way we treat cancer today
and it is going to seem so freaking barbaric. Well, that is as long as we
don't allow the government to take over healthcare. WHAP!! Anyway, why
don't they take this nanotechnology and use it for some real good, like
curing liberalism and idiocy? Safer switch required on car windows Speaking of idiots. Our government has decided it can somehow protect stupid kids by requiring automakers to install "safer" switches on power windows by 2008. Officials with the
National Highway Traffic Safety Administration announced the requirement
yesterday in Columbus, Ohio, with Senator Mike DeWine, Republican of Ohio,
who pushed for the change. The regulation aims to help prevent a child's
head or limb from being caught in a power window, said Dr. Jeffrey Runge,
NHTSA chief. ''Although these incidents are infrequent, a simple, inexpensive remedy is available and should be standard practice," he said. The incidents are infrequent, yet they want to force the auto manufacturers to install the switches anyway. WHAP! This is so typical of the government we have today. Punish all for the actions of a stupid few. The passage of this regulation is really nothing more than the government removing the chlorine from our nations gene pool! Breed stupid people! Breed! Thanks a lot! NHTSA reviewed death certificates and found that approximately two children die every three years because they hit a power-window switch with their arms or legs and accidentally strangle themselves. Huh??? WHAP!!! Millions of times a year there are millions of kids in millions of cars and the government thinks we need to change everything because ONE of these millions of kids dies!!!!?? This should make you put a finger to your temple and make little circles while screaming CUCKOO!! One thing about this that really picks at my nerves is the fact that the government wasted our money coming up with this regulation when they knew that most car manufactures were already installing the feature. Power hungry
freaks! That is all that this is. The latest in doggie gear: the designer nappy A Canadian
inventor's latest idea could make poop scoops a thing of the past for dog
owners. Poop scoops
will never be a thing of the past as long as we have the French walking
around. I am not 100%
sure that this is related -- but an obviously annoyed Snoopy just called and
asked if he could borrow the SHOVEL for some sort of covert mission.
Tuesday, 14, 2004 Surprise! Oprah gives entire audience new cars Oprah Winfrey
celebrated the premiere of her 19th season by surprising each of her 276
audience members with a new car. "We’re calling this our wildest dream
season, because this year on the Oprah show, no dream is too wild, no
surprise too impossible to pull off,” Winfrey said on the show that aired
Monday. The audience members were chosen because their friends or family had written the show claiming that they needed a new car. Being the sly fox that she is, she began by calling 11 of the audience members onto the stage and then gave each of them a car. After the rejoicing subsided, she had gift boxes passed out to the rest of the audience. She claimed that one of the boxes contained keys to a 12th car, but when everyone opened their boxes, they all found a set of keys. Cars for everyone! Fancy that! I say, good for O!
That should bring her some good ratings and karma. I just have to wonder...
why didn't she make the story REALLY fun and give away Hummers????
Making scents She's had more than
80 careers, ranging from photographer to pilot to presidential candidate.
She's owned more than 43 pets. She adds about 100 new items to her wardrobe
every year. Now, Barbie finally has her own fragrance - called, simply,
"Barbie." I don't know why I
put this in the news, other than to point out that some people need to take
some of that extra time they have on their hands and try and use if for
good! Barbie perfume? I guess Ken's feminine deodorant spar isn't far
behind. Schwarzenegger outlaws sex with corpses Having sex with corpses is now officially illegal in California after Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a bill barring necrophilia, a spokeswoman says. Huh? It took California until the year 2004 to make having sex with a corpse illegal? How insane! Shouldn't that have been illegal since, well... ummmm FOREVER!!!
It gets even more
insane, though. The first time they tried to outlaw necrophilia in
California was when they had a case where a man was charged with having sex
with the corpse of a 4-year-old girl!!! A dead 4-year-old girl! WHAP! Get a
good grip here.... the law that would make having sex with a corpse illegal
actually stalled in a legislative committee! Can you believe that? I know
those people are whack jobs and nothing means more than breast implants and
Brad Pitt sightings, but damn! How could a bill against having sex
with a corpse, much less the corpse of a 4 year old, stall in committee?
WHAP! whap!whap! Now, want to know what happened to make the California lawmakers revise the bill this year and make it a felony that can result in up to eight years in prison?
Remain seated. Take a
deep breath. Maybe put on some soothing music.... Ok........... The law was
brought up for revision because they were unsuccessful in convicting a man
who was found in a San Francisco funeral home drunk and passed out on top of
an elderly woman's corpse. This next quote should make your shovel glow. "Prosecutors didn't have anything to charge these people with other than breaking and entering. But if they worked in a mortuary in the first place, prosecutors couldn't even charge them with that," Ochoa said on Friday.
That is just completely vacant of logical thought.
Anyway, Arnold signed the bill. Thus making sex with his wife a felony.
Yikes!! Have you seen that bag of bones lately? What kind of weekend at
Bernie's stunt is he pulling off bringing her out in public?? Krispy Kreme Auditor Delays Review Krispy Kreme
Doughnuts Inc. The Winston-Salem,
N.C., doughnut chain didn't specify what the auditors' concerns were, but
indicated in a Securities and Exchange Commission filing Friday that they
relate to an unspecified acquisition during the fiscal year that ended
Hmm... Imagine
that? They found
holes in the Kreme records? Sorry. That joke
was easier than Madonna on a belly full of date rape drugs. The truth is
these guys have been in trouble since the Atkins diet latched onto the
American culture like a crank-crazed spider monkey! Their stocks have been
dropping and they have been "restructuring" for a while now. I'm thinking
that the unspecified acquisition will most likely be linked to Michael
Moore's swallowing hole. Texans' turnovers help Chargers top Houston in season openerThe Houston Texans had enough glitches of their own with ill-timed fumbles and interceptions and some big penalties Sunday as they lost a season opener for the first time, bowing 27-20 to San Diego. A blackout with 5:07 left in the fourth quarter interrupted the game for about 10 minutes Four plays after
the game resumed, Houston's Domanick Davis fumbled at the San Diego 14 yard
line -- his second fumble of the day -- and effectively short-circuited any
thoughts of a Texans comeback as the Chargers ran out the clock.
I'm sure you guys don't want a play by play breakdown, so I will just shovel in the ironic part of this story. The game was
played at Reliant Stadium -- which is named for the Reliant power company.
ZING!! Bad PR there! Monday, 13, 2004 Obesity Levels: State-By-State Mississippi is #1. Congratulations
to you guys! Click below to see where your state
ranks. A side note.... a visit from Michael Moore could have a huge impact
on your states ranking. More Tuesday. Sorry, the news was lame! Friday, 10 2004 '60 Minutes' Documents on Bush Might Be Fake
On their webpage,
CBS is claiming that their 'expert' is sticking to his contention that the
documents are real. I wonder if his name is Michael Moore? I am assuming that
will be all that they will have to say
about it, too. Well, that is unless they can come up with some inane claim
that Halliburton forged the documents just to set them up. We will keep the shovel on this one and see what
comes up. Thanks for not speeding, say New Hampshire police This is one of those stories that will make you scream for a "take me away Calgon!" moment. The notes began
with the centered, bold heading "thank you," and continue, "Route 11 is one
of the city's most hazardous roads. In an effort to make it safer, the
Rochester Police Department is conducting a speed enforcement campaign and a
public awareness campaign which targets commuters, shoppers, and residents
who regularly travel on this road. We would like to thank-you for driving in
a safe and respectful manner today." The cop who came up with this nifty little idea must have been sporting one hell of a sugar buzz. Was he snorting doughnut batter off the counter of the local Dunkin Doughnuts? They pull people
over and detain them just to give them a ticket that thanks them for not speeding. WHAP!! Did they
not take into consideration that they probably just threw the person off
schedule and that they will now have to speed to get to where they were
going if they want to make it there on time? Britons shot dead near bridge over River Kwai Shovelline, Thailand. This is a case of chivalry going into reverse!
Well, he doesn't like couples negative response to his offers to mediate.... so ... HE SHOOTS THEM BOTH!!! He pumped three bullets into the woman and two into the man. Both of them died. This guy must have
gone to the Manson Family school of counseling. Yellow tomato causes legal dilemma in Germany I think German lawmakers need to lay off the beer. A disgruntled
German threw a tomato at a prominent member of Chancellor Gerhard
Schroeder's Social Democrats. What is the problem? The guy hurled a yellow tomato. Had he hurled a red, and much softer, tomato he would have faced the charge of causing malicious damage. But, since he threw a harder - and much more deadly - yellow tomato he might be facing a tougher charge of bodily harm. Note to tomato
slinger -- the only socialist on the planet who enjoys having food thrown at
them is Michael Moore.
Potter film hope for disabled dog
A two-legged dog that has learned to walk
like a human could be considered for a role in the next Harry Potter film,
according to reports.
The family has been contacted about the possibility of doing a few scenes in the fourth Harry Potter movie, The Goblet Of Fire, currently being filmed in the UK, but no plans have been finalized, they said. The family adopted the
Labrador-chow cross because she was being rejected by her mother and was
going to end up soaked in sweet and sour sauce on a Chinese buffet... errr,
I mean, be put to sleep. The dogs front legs, due to a birth defect. were
not fully formed and had to be amputated. The owners taught her to stand, hop and
eventually walk and run on her two back legs.
Thursday, 09, 2004 Shoppers foil juggling lipstick thief I guess this thief
doesn't understand the concept of being stealthy. He walks into a store and
begins |
Can I go ahead
and tell you how the left will respond to this? The same ones who claim that
we aren't doing enough are going to stand up now and claim that the
administration is out of control and going too far. WHAP!!!! Shut up!
France
does not have superheroes, much less one of the caliber of ol' Spidey!
Spidey is pure Americana! France has.... I don't know.. Pepe Le Pu, an
obnoxious little pervert that smells bad. How fitting, huh?
shot and killed his wife after he mistook her for a monkey picking fruit in
a tree behind their house, the New Straits Times said on Wednesday.
Richard
Brown turned and dropped his pants and mooned Connecticut Superior Court
Judge Patrick Carroll. Obviously this Brown guy isn't the fastest microchip
on the motherboard. 
on Thursday with furious winds and flooding, ripping roofs off homes and
hotels, washing out bridges, downing power lines and spawning tornadoes that
killed seven people. 
development of our race to spawn trailers full of little freaks who will
most assuredly contribute to the demise of our race. Maddening! 
Phil Parlock, after having their Bush-Cheney sign torn up by Kerry-Edwards
supporters on Thursday, Sept. 16, 2004, at the Tri-State Airport in
Huntington, W.Va. 
Why does he feel the need to tell us that a dead woman stuffed into a
trashcan might just be considered 'suspicious'? I don't know -
are corpses in trashcans normally a common thing in Maine, but there was
something fishy about this one? Who knows? Maybe the people
in the media assume that we all ride the short bus. WHAP!
Man
sees a couple standing near the bridge, arguing very loudly. Man goes over
to try and calm things down. Very gallant of the man.
He was arrested and is going to be punished, but it is going to take a
little deliberating among law makers as to what the charge will be. 
juggling lipstick and