JOE WASHINGTON FOR PRESIDENT

                                                      ONE MAN, ONE GOAL, ONE THOUGHT

Why should you cast a vote for Joe Washington? It is simple. Joe has a true vision for the future of Our country. He doesn't just want to be the President of the United States, he also wants to fulfill his lifelong dream of "living in a big white house."

He is a man of many ideas and is still pouring over all the issues in an attempt to decisively pick his platform. "I will definitely have a platform. But I'm kind of fat in the ass, so what ever platform I pick I'd suggest that you stand for it and not under it."

Party affiliation. "I will party with anyone, but I consider myself to be an independent because most of my thoughts are independent from one another."

Joe is a natural born leader. He began displaying his leadership abilities early in life when, at the spry age of 13, he lead the State Patrol on a six hour car chase that spanned sixteen counties.

When it comes to public service, none of the other candidates can come close to touching Joe's record. Joe has selflessly served the public most of his life. He spent all of his adolescent, and much of his adult, weekends picking up trash on the side of the highway. He was happy to give his time in this manner, despite the fact that he was court ordered to do so. As a matter of fact, he was so happy to do it that he waved a single middle finger at each and every car that passed by, just to let them know that he thought they were number ONE! 

He is a candidate for CHANGE - and often walks around begging for it.

Joe wants to crack down on underage drinking. This is one issue that he is very passionate about. He has already drafted legislation on this issue and plans to have it signed into law by the end of the first week of his administration. When implemented, his plan will instantaneously eliminate underage drinking by lowering the legal drinking age to 4.

Joe is also against drinking and driving, "you might spill something," he says.

Joe knows that the Social Security program is headed for certain doom unless reforms are made. He believes he is the man to make those reforms. His first step in saving the Social Security program will be to stop all research into preventative medicine. Secondly, he is authoring a bill that would require that all Bingo games be played with automatic weapons. Third, he is proposing legislation that would constitutionally change the definition of  Social Security from 'a Federal system to provide for retirement' to 'you are older than my parents, so go get in that coffin!!'

The war on terror is a central issue in this election. Joe is firm in his stance on terrorism and how he would handle the situation. "I will immediately pull all of the troops out of the Middle East and bring them home to face our real enemies! Canada, Mexico and our mainstream media.

"I will rain hell from above on Canada until all of those pasty white Frenchy, French men are obliterated. My plan will leave Michael J. Fox shaking!  After that, I will have the US of A repopulate the country.

"Can you imagine the boon to the economy just from the sales of soap, and other hygiene products alone when that happens? It will drive this economy through the roof." 

He continues, "And then there is Mexico. Can I introduce you to my friend 'Manuel Labor' ?!! I would use our troops to bomb Mexico into oblivion! Nuke them until they glow! That would put the breaks on the flow of illegals into this county.

"Think about it...... they would no longer be able to sneak into our country under the cloak of darkness because they will all be glowing! We will be able to spot them from a mile away. Just think of how much money our border patrol would save on night vision goggles alone. That is bottom line budget cutting stuff! Most candidates don't think about stuff like that!" 

As far as gas prices go - Joe has one word, "drill, drill, drill!"

"I will go to Alaska and run the drill through a baby penguins head if I have to. I will drill any where there is oil in America. Our nation will look like a huge piece of Swiss cheese by the time I am done. Gas prices will drop faster than my pants when my new issue of Playboy arrives."

On abortion and Planned Parenthood, Joe's stance is simple. "Every woman has a right to her body and her reproductive organs. As a matter of fact, I think we should expand the 'partial birth abortion bill' so that it includes the right to abort the child up until the time it reaches the age of 18."

He also adds that he would pass special age exemptions for the parents of Michael Moore, Dan Rather, Martin Sheen, Al Franken, Sean Penn, Keith Olberman, Katie Couric and Rosie O'Donnell. 

On gay marriage -- "I am all for it as long as you can throw bricks and small incendiary devices at the reception. I hate throwing rice."

Joe wants happiness for everyone, "If there is something wrong, I not only want to be the ointment to make it better; I want to be the applicator."

His view on dealing with the budget, "I would balance the budget by raising taxes on all the cults we have running around here in America. Like, say, the Amish. What is up with those people? Always wearing black and growing long beards to conceal their identity. I'm pretty sure they are up to something. I bet they are making money hand over fist and they would be a goldmine in tax revenue!"

On the appointment of special counsels, "Why not? We have the Special Olympics. It just seems fitting that we should have Special Counsels. I would pat them on the head and say 'good job little buddy - here is a Klondike bar."  

On race issues, "I'm a huge RACIST! I would watch NASCAR twenty four seven if I could."

He thinks tax cuts should be targeted and would like to see a tax cut on the sale of peroxide because he really likes blondes.

Joe would also like to note, "I can hold my liquor very well, and that is important considering the fact that I will be attending a bunch of fund raisers and rallies. Not to mention all the meetings with foreign leaders and dignitaries. I mean, God knows I will be doing some pounding at those things. Considering that - it is a good thing that I can knock them back and still keep my wits about me. Those vodka slugging Russians don't have sh*t on me. Keep pouring, I'll be standing long after they have slumped over in a puddle of their own vomit!"

Lastly, when it comes to punching the ballot on election day, Joe says .... "I would appreciate it if you would remember me come election day. Do what you will with your ballot, all I ask it that you take a few minutes out of your day to punch something."

                         VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!
                            

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